[MBTI General] Not being so harsh

[Malkavia]

Fellow NFs, Im a harsh bitch sometimes. Ok well, more like all of the time.

I'm really dry, sarcastic, and blunt. I like myself and my humor but sometimes I can tell people get offended. Now normally I dont care but me and my best had a talk where we each gave one thing we thought the other should work on. He told he definitely thinks I should learn not to be so harsh because it can make people feel like I dont like them.

I really do like almost everyone but I can see how my sarcasm and poking fun at people can sometimes be taken the wrong away.

Do any other ENFPs have this problem? With sometimes being TOO honest? Any way to maybe tone it down a little bit to help make everyone feel accepted?

 

[Moiety]

I definitely have this "problem". You can tone it down if you want...but do you really want to tone it down, or would you prefer people close to you just accepted you for who you are?

 

[Thalassa]

Fellow NFs, Im a harsh bitch sometimes. Ok well, more like all of the time.

I'm really dry, sarcastic, and blunt. I like myself and my humor but sometimes I can tell people get offended. Now normally I dont care but me and my best had a talk where we each gave one thing we thought the other should work on. He told he definitely thinks I should learn not to be so harsh because it can make people feel like I dont like them.

I really do like almost everyone but I can see how my sarcasm and poking fun at people can sometimes be taken the wrong away.

Do any other ENFPs have this problem? With sometimes being TOO honest? Any way to maybe tone it down a little bit to help make everyone feel accepted?

Yes. I am a very harsh ENFP. It doesn't help that my eSFP ex was on a mission in life to make me tough and street smart.

I have this weird ISTJ sense of justice which jumps out at lame times. I have that whole tertiary Te temptation/weakness.

I think it happens because I see the value in it. People used to take advantage of me a lot when I was younger, and I have learned to stand up for myself - I don't take shit from anyone, and I can in some ways protect other people.

The down side is that it comes out at inappropriate times because of my Fi and then it sucks. I'm working on trying to focus it to happen when it's actually appropriate.

It's really a challenge for me though. It can be embarrassing at times.

 

[A window to the soul]

Re: Harsh

Any way to maybe tone it down a little bit to help make everyone feel accepted?

Hmm... have you tried zipping your lips? It might just work.

That's my harsh two cents.

 

[Thalassa]

Hmm... have you tried zipping your lips? It might just work.

Typical.

 

[Malkavia]

I definitely have this "problem". You can tone it down if you want...but do you really want to tone it down, or would you prefer people close to you just accepted you for who you are?

Well my friend stated it while repeating over and over he wants me to stay myself because he along with all the rest of my friends enjoy my sense of humor. Which is nice. His problem was when i was first meeting people or talking to people who dont know me that well.

I do see where he is coming from. I dont see anything wrong with making sure I dont make people feel unwanted, especially if I WANT them to be around. Thats the main problem. There are people that I like however because of my harshness they get the wrong impression. Its good to know there are other ENFPs out there that can be a little harsh.

Hmm... have you tried zipping your lips? It might just work.

That's my harsh two cents.

Brilliant. Truly.

 

[Moiety]

Well my friend stated it while repeating over and over he wants me to stay myself because he along with all the rest of my friends enjoy my sense of humor. Which is nice. His problem was when i was first meeting people or talking to people who dont know me that well.

I do see where he is coming from. I dont see anything wrong with making sure I dont make people feel unwanted, especially if I WANT them to be around. Thats the main problem. There are people that I like however because of my harshness they get the wrong impression. Its good to know there are other ENFPs out there that can be a little harsh.

I understand what you mean perfectly. Just ask yourself how can it be that a person such as yourself managed to meet all those wonderful people whose friendship you value so much today. I'm sure not all of your friends are cold unfeeling bastards, so there must be something to you that still manages to appeal to those people.

The way I see it, you can be or become whoever you want to become. But there is something to be said about not getting to meet certain people because of the way you are VS meeting all kinds people because of the way you are not.

Call me a cynical, but my brashness has mostly enabled me to avoid meeting all kinds of "bad" people. If I know good people, it's safer to have a filtering mechanism than to end up having bitter disappointments and potential problems with people who are just not worth meeting. Even though I'm probably missing on some pretty cool people in the process. But I have no reason to believe that I would effortlessly get along with those pretty cool people I DON'T get to know because of how I am, after they got the idea I was NOT the blunt person that I am. It's about probability really. And quality over quantity.

 

[Glycerine]

Te, baby! haha this is probably more the Fe approach, I think. 1st: Am I going to offend others? 2nd: Does the risk of offense outweigh the need for bluntness? 3rd: If so, is there a more tactful way of saying it? 4th: Is it really that important to say? This is my thought process for potentially offensive things.

 

[MrRandom88]

Fellow NFs, Im a harsh bitch sometimes. Ok well, more like all of the time.

I'm really dry, sarcastic, and blunt. I like myself and my humor but sometimes I can tell people get offended. Now normally I dont care but me and my best had a talk where we each gave one thing we thought the other should work on. He told he definitely thinks I should learn not to be so harsh because it can make people feel like I dont like them.

I really do like almost everyone but I can see how my sarcasm and poking fun at people can sometimes be taken the wrong away.

Do any other ENFPs have this problem? With sometimes being TOO honest? Any way to maybe tone it down a little bit to help make everyone feel accepted?

give everyone a verbal disclaimer saying "don't take anything I say personally". Then proceed to being yourself again. They'll love you for it.

 

[A window to the soul]

Brilliant. Truly.

...tu, tu very much.

Te, baby! haha this is probably more the Fe approach, I think. 1st: Am I going to offend others? 2nd: Does the risk of offense outweigh the need for bluntness? 3rd: If so, is there a more tactful way of saying it? 4th: Is it really that important to say? This is my thought process for potentially offensive things.

...hmmm, makes sense after doing some logical analysis, but it may be too complicated to execute "on the fly".

give everyone a verbal disclaimer saying "don't take anything I say personally". Then proceed to being yourself again. They'll love you for it.

It's so simple, i like it.

 

[Kasper]

Is it more a matter of ExxP speaking before you think or is it knowing it's harsh but saying it anyway?

 

[Malkavia]

give everyone a verbal disclaimer saying "don't take anything I say personally". Then proceed to being yourself again. They'll love you for it.

Great idea. I like it.

I understand what you mean perfectly. Just ask yourself how can it be that a person such as yourself managed to meet all those wonderful people whose friendship you value so much today. I'm sure not all of your friends are cold unfeeling bastards, so there must be something to you that still manages to appeal to those people.

The way I see it, you can be or become whoever you want to become. But there is something to be said about not getting to meet certain people because of the way you are VS meeting all kinds people because of the way you are not.

Call me a cynical, but my brashness has mostly enabled me to avoid meeting all kinds of "bad" people. If I know good people, it's safer to have a filtering mechanism than to end up having bitter disappointments and potential problems with people who are just not worth meeting. Even though I'm probably missing on some pretty cool people in the process. But I have no reason to believe that I would effortlessly get along with those pretty cool people I DON'T get to know because of how I am, after they got the idea I was NOT the blunt person that I am. It's about probability really. And quality over quantity.

True True you make a good point.

Is it more a matter of ExxP speaking before you think or is it knowing it's harsh but saying it anyway?

Both.

 

[cafe]

When I was a teenager and young adult, I used to get in trouble all the time for my harsh words. Eventually, I started evaluating my words from other people's perspective -- how would I feel if someone said that to me? -- and the light started to come on. I realized that just because I thought something or believed it was true didn't mean that it had to come out of my mouth.

IMO, it's just a basic social skill to consider the impact of your words upon others and to adapt to your audience. If someone is so hurt by the way you use your words that they can't hear what you are saying, you just aren't communicating effectively, even if you are being very clear -- it's terribly inefficient.

Sometimes it's just not about me, ya know?

 

[Moiety]

When I was a teenager and young adult, I used to get in trouble all the time for my harsh words. Eventually, I started evaluating my words from other people's perspective -- how would I feel if someone said that to me? -- and the light started to come on. I realized that just because I thought something or believed it was true didn't mean that it had to come out of my mouth.

IMO, it's just a basic social skill to consider the impact of your words upon others and to adapt to your audience. If someone is so hurt by the way you use your words that they can't hear what you are saying, you just aren't communicating effectively, even if you are being very clear -- it's terribly inefficient.

Sometimes it's just not about me, ya know?

That reminds me of something actually...the point of saying things should be communication for the most part right?

And I notice that for me harshness sometimes is a political move more so than wanting the person to truly understand my words...I don't always respect the intellect of the other person enough to believe they will end up agreeing with me if I talk with them about it...so I tend to condition them to hate me so as to achiever balance...


Okay, that probably made no sense to anyone but myself, but I just had the thought

 

[cafe]

I'm probably missing the point entirely, but is it not possible that an intelligent person could legitimately disagree with you?

 

[Moiety]

I'm probably missing the point entirely, but is it not possible that an intelligent person could legitimately disagree with you?

Yes, of course Intelligent people also tend to not be as effected by my bluntness I've noticed and I tend to relax more in their presence. I think it's a matter of realizing the importance of all facts and not shying away from taboos or whatever when having a discussion. Having to stress out the importance of certain things when discussion something is what tends to trigger my bluntness. I'm not a fan of the drama queen deliver so I'm blunt.

It's difficult to explain exactly what I mean, hence my disclaimer at the end of my other post.

 

[sculpting]

I can be exceptional blunt and harsh. Caustic is the best word. My sense of humor can be abrasive and quite crude. Even when i "think" it can come out as pointed and blunt.

I wish I could say that this is okay with most people-but it isnt. It sounds very bitchy on the surface.

Yesterday I had lunch with an ISTJ who has to advise young soldiers who apply for aid for help paying their bills.

His comments: Inside his head he thinks, "boy what is wrong with your dumb ass? How could you have spent your rent money when you have kids to feed?" But outside he is very polite on the surface.

For me-I would say "Why were you so stupid as to have spent all of your rent money when you have kids to feed?" But inside I would feel very concerned and agstful understanding the stress he was in and would feel compelled to help him.

So I care deeply, even if i look like a total bitch on the surface with caustic comments.

 

[Moiety]

I can be exceptional blunt and harsh. Caustic is the best word. My sense of humor can be abrasive and quite crude. Even when i "think" it can come out as pointed and blunt.

I wish I could say that this is okay with most people-but it isnt. It sounds very bitchy on the surface.

Yesterday I had lunch with an ISTJ who has to advise young soldiers who apply for aid for help paying their bills.

His comments: Inside his head he thinks, "boy what is wrong with your dumb ass? How could you have spent your rent money when you have kids to feed?" But outside he is very polite on the surface.

For me-I would say "Why were you so stupid as to have spent all of your rent money when you have kids to feed?" But inside I would feel very concerned and agstful understanding the stress he was in and would feel compelled to help him.

So I care deeply, even if i look like a total bitch on the surface with caustic comments.

Wow, that analogy is perfect!! That's exactly my case! Lol, it might sound simple but having other people acknowledge/relate to that makes me very happy

Inside, I can have the sweetest thoughts in the world, but I usually voice the harsher side of things. That's why I test as an 8 I guess and why I can seem so rough.

But that's exactly what I meant by political...it's political in that it isn't voicing my true inner thoughts on the matter...it looks like Te...but it's Fi in disguise.

Wow, thanks so much for that post Orobas. I know I'm sounding very dramatic over it but it's something I can't ever explain to people without sounding like a liar or dishonest or hypocritical or cruel or whatever...

 

[Snuggletron]

maybe you just get off on getting a raise out of people. That's ok, but maybe you should consider what you say to others a bit more before saying it. When you do it too often on impulse people might interpret things you don't really mean. Just process what you say a bit more beforehand.

(this is assuming you're a typical ENFP and leap before you look)

 

[sculpting]

Wow, that analogy is perfect!! That's exactly my case! Lol, it might sound simple but having other people acknowledge/relate to that makes me very happy

Inside, I can have the sweetest thoughts in the world, but I usually voice the harsher side of things. That's why I test as an 8 I guess and why I can seem so rough.

But that's exactly what I meant by political...it's political in that it isn't voicing my true inner thoughts on the matter...it looks like Te...but it's Fi in disguise.

Wow, thanks so much for that post Orobas. I know I'm sounding very dramatic over it but it's something I can't ever explain to people without sounding like a liar or dishonest or hypocritical or cruel or whatever...

My guess? We are hiding what we feel, how we we care. To openly care for others feels like showing my flank, exposing my weakness to others. Exposing my gentler Fi judgments on people, rather than the harsher Te proclamation? The Te is typically "tough love". But very real love.

I dunno why.... If I openly tell you how much I care for you-that means something huge for me.

I am trying to work on this though-being more openly emotive as I do feel all this stuff inside and I think it is better to be able to actually express it-but yeah it is so weird, so not natural to do so.