[ENFJ] Trying to get an ENFJ to listen

[Unkindloving]

Does anyone have any tips on being a good in-between person?

As an ENFP its hard because Im normally so open about conflict and it seems like both of these types (or maybe because their siblings) arent. I think the sibling aspect throws a major wrench in most personality profiles.

I just dont understand how my ENFJ friend can give up all of himself to someone he doesnt know, yet cannot let go a small piece of his time or pride to solve a small problem with someone he's close to.

I'm actually on the other side of a conflict with an INTJ friend (she has avoided me for 3 months without reason) and my INFP is in the middle. My INFP spends a lot of time with me and lets me rant about the situation, but provides no input whatsoever. It's frustrating and makes me feel paranoid/crazy.
What you should strive for is share some information in a way where you don't say much at all or actually clarify taking either side. Either that or say that you may know a few things, but don't feel comfortable sharing and feel it would be better if they discuss it themselves.
The disconnect in my situation is my friend having no input aside from some noises or sighing. It weighs heavily on her, but sometimes any input is good/necessary, instead of acting like there's no problem at all.

ENFJ vulnerability is a weird creature. A person we are truly close to and who has a hold over a part of our core is someone we will withdraw from in certain circumstances. If the ENFJ has a problem that could offend the INTJ, he might be holding back due to the repercussion of bringing it up.

 

[Malkavia]

I don't think I'd even want to be involved in this kind of thing if it was between my own two children.

The ENFJ is probably really freaking out about the faith thing and needs some time to mull it over, sort it out and put it in perspective. You might tell him that you have noticed that he seems bothered lately and offer to be a listening ear if he ever wants to talk about it and if he asks for advice, you could give him suggestions, but that's about as far as I'd want to get up in that.

I know it seems like a terrible situation to be a part of but Im ok with it. Our household (and our groups of friends in general) is amazing. We share each others joys and burdens. Thats part of being in a community. You become interdependent on one another. Sure its scary and dramatic at times, but you love each other at the end of the day (I hope).

I think the faith thing really hit him hard. He's opened up to me about it. It hurts him a lot. It just sucks seeing both of them in so much hurt and not being able to do much about it. It hurts even more for me when the ENFJ talks to me because hes my first true, close friend. I care for him a lot and his emotions mean a lot to me, especially because I have gotten to see him open to me.

I'm actually on the other side of a conflict with an INTJ friend (she has avoided me for 3 months without reason) and my INFP is in the middle. My INFP spends a lot of time with me and lets me rant about the situation, but provides no input whatsoever. It's frustrating and makes me feel paranoid/crazy.
What you should strive for is share some information in a way where you don't say much at all or actually clarify taking either side. Either that or say that you may know a few things, but don't feel comfortable sharing and feel it would be better if they discuss it themselves.
The disconnect in my situation is my friend having no input aside from some noises or sighing. It weighs heavily on her, but sometimes any input is good/necessary, instead of acting like there's no problem at all.

ENFJ vulnerability is a weird creature. A person we are truly close to and who has a hold over a part of our core is someone we will withdraw from in certain circumstances. If the ENFJ has a problem that could offend the INTJ, he might be holding back due to the repercussion of bringing it up.

Thanks a lot for the input. Ive been giving my opinion which I now know wasnt a complete mistake. Ive told both of them that I'm not going to be able to take a side since I live with them and Im not going to split our household. I definitely let him talk to me about it, although Im the one that usually brings it up. Once I ask about it he starts pouring it out to me.

The INTJ is actually more than willing to bring it up because it pisses him off and he vents to me.

Im able to say how each one perfectly feels if I needed. They just need to tell it to each other.

Oh the joys of being in the middle.

 

[Heart&Brain]

I have long ago been mediating between two room-mates and I think an ENFP is not the worst mediator...
I don't know their types and their conflict was about money which I guess can fester as badly as family and faith matters. Anyways, FWIW, my role was to
1. not take side and be explicit about my neutrality (this may be harder for you since you may be biased from sharing faith with the ENFJ)
2. keep head cold and work towards a simplification, isolation and clarification of exactly what they disagree about. Find out what 'solution' they each try to force upon the other / refuse to accept.

3. Make them realise that either they go on with the conflict about who's right or wrong or they get pragmatic about finding a solution that gives both a bit. Lay out to them how close or far their concrete demands and expectations are from each other.

In my case they had a 'principled' disagreement of who were entitled to a sum of money. I refused to discuss entitlement, unwritten agreements and logical rights and instead calculated for them the actual monetary difference between what they each were hoping to gain from the conflict.
It was a relatively low amount that actually separated them. I suggested that they met in the middle of that amount. Initially, both were almost shocked that I didn't take their 'principled justifications' into account at all.
But then they accepted and were both very relieved afterwards.

Point was for me not to play along with or even listen to any their private obsessive 'rationalisations' of anger and conflict. I didn't want to change outlooks and I wanted them to stop the vain attempts to change the other's.

In other words, define and isolate a concrete problem so it doesn't get to invade all other areas of their judgments. This is always difficult for the parties involved, since all kinds of righteousness and imagined slights and old history and misunderstandings will mix into their perception when they are in the middle of conflict.

Keep it real, keep it isolated, keep it concrete - that's what the neutral mediator can contribute in my experience.

 

[Unkindloving]

Thanks a lot for the input. Ive been giving my opinion which I now know wasnt a complete mistake. Ive told both of them that I'm not going to be able to take a side since I live with them and Im not going to split our household. I definitely let him talk to me about it, although Im the one that usually brings it up. Once I ask about it he starts pouring it out to me.

The INTJ is actually more than willing to bring it up because it pisses him off and he vents to me.

Im able to say how each one perfectly feels if I needed. They just need to tell it to each other.

Oh the joys of being in the middle.

Yea, i would say you're doing everything right and all that you can . At a point, it just becomes up to them and can become unfair to you if it presses on for too long.
That's a problem i'm running into- not the issue with my INTJ, but her inability to assess how it affects our INFP is the issue. I can't stand things like that affecting other people when they can either be resolved or have closure.

Any update on when they may talk it out? Or is it a waiting game now?

 

[Malkavia]

I will for sure keep everyone updated. Nothing right now.

This is intertwined with another issue between me and the ENFJ, but I dont feel like posting it right now. Ive posted way too many ENFJ threads during my time here in Typology Central.

 

[ceecee]

Is there anyway to tell an ENFJ, "look your being a d-bag and you need to listen to me" in a nice way? He just doesnt seem to take what I say into consideration which is annoying, especially when I am more than sure that my solution is the right one. Ive talked to this INTJ about it, I know what he wants, and Im trying to help my best friend out with this but he wont LISTEN.

Generally I will tell ENFJ man - you're being a douchebag. And here's why. This is VERY important. The why. They also seem to like when you list the why's. With bullets.

• Douchey Reason one
• Douchey Reason two
• Douchey Reason three

They don't like this at first. However, if they have respect for you, they will listen and take what you're saying seriously.

 

[Glycerine]

Generally I will tell ENFJ man - you're being a douchebag. And here's why. This is VERY important. The why. They also seem to like when you list the why's. With bullets.

• Douchey Reason one
• Douchey Reason two
• Douchey Reason three

They don't like this at first. However, if they have respect for you, they will listen and take what you're saying seriously.

Actually this works well with me also. I need to know WHY or I will completely take it personally. If you don't tell me why, I read way into way too possibilities on why they are criticizing me leading to the "Oh I'm such a bad person" mentality. I may argue with it at first but then I step and consider the possibilities of my actions. The worst answers are "because I said so" and "because I love you/care about you".

 

[Staria]

Address the ENfJ with logic. I have an INTJ brother. He always thinks he's right, but he gets it when I'm logical. Break it down, whatever you need to say to your best friend. Make sure it makes logical sense. How and what you're saying. It will sink in....eventually. That's my 2 cents....Cheers 🍻

 

[Masokissed]

 

[PotatoPeeler68]

Hmmm... tricky situation. I think you need to let the ENFJ be his/herself. If they aren't talking about it, then they might not know that that is important. Or they may just need some time to cool down.