[MBTI General] Being Harassed by Extroverts Vent!

[MrRandom88]

Yes ma'am, i can feel where you are coming from. I am always willing to help, and since I am that way people take advantage of me. I get calls asking if I can go pick up something or fix something. but I cant say no...I guess we are just gonna have to start saying NO! :steam:

I know a great solution to this problem, but it requires a little balls on your part. When someone asks you to do something and you know that you arn't getting anything in return for it just say this:
"OK, let's trade."

and they'll be like "trade, huh?"

and you be like "yeah trade...i'll do this thing for you, and you gotta give me something in return. It's only fair "

 

[BRMC117]

Ugh, I have no balls

 

[MrRandom88]

Ugh, I have no balls

then instill a new value within yourself (because apparently INFP ppl can and will defend their own values until their death). This value of course would be 'FAIRNESS' and 'EQUALITY'...then carry on your life with this new value

 

[Unkindloving]

The only extraverts who harass me are horny ESTJs and we do not relate.

My thread title:
"Being Neglected by Introverts"

 

[metaphours]

This happens to me ALL the time. I hate how just because you're friends with someone you're suddenly OBLIGATED to hang out with them all the time, especially on the weekends (or at least that's the way it is in high school hehe). I usually deal with it by telling people that I see them 5 DAYS A WEEK and it's just tiring and I deserve at LEAST 2 days to relax, recharge my batteries, be by myself, and do the things I LIKE to do (as opposed to constantly feeling like I have to compromise with people) but they STILL don't seem to get it. Ugh. Extroverts. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em :/

 

[Charmed Justice]

can anyone relate to this?

I do. Completely. I try to avoid allowing people of that nature to do any "favors" for me; that way I stay out of their circle and keep the mutual expectations to a bare minimum. Better to call a trusted friend than to rely on someone I don't care to closely be involved with.

This happens to me ALL the time. I hate how just because you're friends with someone you're suddenly OBLIGATED to hang out with them all the time, especially on the weekends (or at least that's the way it is in high school hehe). I usually deal with it by telling people that I see them 5 DAYS A WEEK and it's just tiring and I deserve at LEAST 2 days to relax, recharge my batteries, be by myself, and do the things I LIKE to do (as opposed to constantly feeling like I have to compromise with people) but they STILL don't seem to get it. Ugh. Extroverts. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em :/

I wonder if the issue is really "extroverts" though. I met a lady a few years ago, a neighbor. She seemed reasonable enough, seemed to think the same of me, so we enchanged phone numbers. She had to have called me every day almost, multiple times a day. If I didn't call her right back, she'd leave me messages apologizing for potentially offending me on a previous day which she believed to be my reason for not getting right back to her. It drove me absolutely crazy because every other day I'd call her back and tell her that she didn't offend me! I'd explain to her that I was playing with my son when she called, or on the other line, or out of town, or in the shower, etc...I found myself constantly having to explain to her where I was and what I was doing so that I wouldn't offend her. She wanted to get together every single day, and I hated that. I definitely didn't want to see her everyday, but I felt obligated to do it because she seemed like she needed someone to talk to. I had to let her go.

 

[cafe]

I just get a couple of kids, one a neighbor kid, and one a kid from school, that like to come over. Both are special needs - one mentally retarded and one very extroverted Aspie.

The neighbor kid with mental retardation will just come sit on our porch for, like, twenty minutes. He's in high school, but he is about the same maturity level as my autistic 11 year old and he likes to play with toy guns. He can be kind of mean and doesn't listen very well when he's told something, so I have mixed feelings about them playing together.

The Aspie rides his bike, like, a mile or so to get to our house. He does it in all kinds of weather and if I let him, he will stay after dark. He isn't mean, per se, but he can have a temper (I've never seen it at my house, but the kids at school like to get him going). He has to have attention and he talks loud. He tries to be polite, but he doesn't listen very well and does not know when to quit. You have to be very explicit and/or rude to get a point across.

I wish their parents would not let them just run like they do or would work with them a bit more on the social cues, etc. It's frustrating because I already have four of my own kids (two of whom have autism) and a foreign exchange student to look after. I am not the local special needs after school center. It puts me in a position to have to be mean to their kids and I don't want to be, I just want to be left alone most of the time.

Edit: As for other folks, I don't have too many friends or go out of my way to make them. My friends know that if it isn't a good time to talk, etc I just don't answer the phone and I've gotten a lot better about saying no if I can't do something.

 

[Betsy]

Jen, you sound like an Introverted thinker, not INF. I relate to your not wanting to socialize too much and valuing privacy, but not the part about how everyone should be self-sufficient and never ask for help. I like helping other people. And I need help from time to time. There is no such thing as complete independence in this world. I have thinker-type friends who don't share that view. It seems to be the main difference between ITs and IFs. ITs aren't necessarily shy; they don't like most people. IFs are shy or reserved, but definitely interested in other people.

 

[Giggly]

If her son has a violent streak, I see absolutely nothing wrong with being straight about your feelings with her. Yeah, she will get upset but you are protecting your child, too, which is your obligation. Whereas, she, is just protecting her own pride.

It seems like the bigger problem to me is that your kids don't see a problem and still want to play with her kids. Maybe they know how to protect themselves? I dunno, just asking, here. "Out of sight out of mind" only works for so long.

 

[Tigerlily]

Jen, you sound like an Introverted thinker, not INF. I relate to your not wanting to socialize too much and valuing privacy, but not the part about how everyone should be self-sufficient and never ask for help. I like helping other people. And I need help from time to time. There is no such thing as complete independence in this world. I have thinker-type friends who don't share that view. It seems to be the main difference between ITs and IFs. ITs aren't necessarily shy; they don't like most people. IFs are shy or reserved, but definitely interested in other people.

i'm pretty self sufficient. my husband is an INTJ and the same. we never ask for help and if we receive help it's usually because we've paid for it. i'm not saying that i'm not generous because i am. i'll go to lunch with a friend and pay for it or if a friend is having money trouble i'll help out if i can. i'm just not a charity for those who are unwilling to help themselves. as far as my neighbor helping out with the milk and soda, that's no big deal as i'd have done the same for her and i don't think she's sitting around thinking, "hmmm what can i get jen to do for me now" lol. my husband saved her laptop from an untimely death and we expect nothing anything in return. whatevs. ;P

If her son has a violent streak, I see absolutely nothing wrong with being straight about your feelings with her. Yeah, she will get upset but you are protecting your child, too, which is your obligation.

thanks, but this is a terrible idea. sometimes you just gotta keep your mouth closed and handle things with kid gloves.

my issue is that it's exhausting when you're introverted and like being left alone but your kids are more outgoing. i am taking them to music lessons this week to keep them entertained and my daughter is a girl scout which is awesome because she gets to socialize outside of school and loves it. my son is usually happy hanging out at home and my little one loves to play outside which does involve some interaction with others but i've found if i'm outside with a book that cancels out small talk from the neighbors. I'm not trying to sound like misery guts but I've tried to talk to my neighbors and all of them are conservative and religious and those topics seems to come up each time we speak so i'd rather not get into it since i am not either of those things. and let me be clear, i have no issues with people who have different beliefs than me but i expect them to treat me with the same respect and not push their beliefs on me.

 

[Giggly]

thanks, but this is a terrible idea. sometimes you just gotta keep your mouth closed and handle things with kid gloves.

I see. Does she get upset when her kid is being violent towards your kid and you say/do something about it in the moment or is she never there when it happens?

my issue is that it's exhausting when you're introverted and like being left alone but your kids are more outgoing. i am taking them to music lessons this week to keep them entertained and my daughter is a girl scout which is awesome because she gets to socialize outside of school and loves it. my son is usually happy hanging out at home and my little one loves to play outside which does involve some interaction with others but i've found if i'm outside with a book that cancels out small talk from the neighbors. I'm not trying to sound like misery guts but I've tried to talk to my neighbors and all of them are conservative and religious and those topics seems to come up each time we speak so i'd rather not get into it since i am not either of those things. and let me be clear, i have no issues with people who have different beliefs than me but i expect them to treat me with the same respect and not push their beliefs on me.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to hanging out with people whom you don't share important interests or beliefs with.

 

[Trentham]

In my experience, a lot of extroverts don't seem to understand/respect the introvert need for "personal sanctuary" (for lack of a better term). To them, things are always better when someone else is around, especially someone they consider a friend. They appear to assume that everyone is like that; some of us just need a little extra nudging which they're all too happy to provide.

 

[Giggly]

I think it's interesting how nice people who truly want to be left alone end up being magnets for the most difficult and unsavory people. I think it's because difficult people simply want to take advantage of them because they think they'll have the time and patience to deal with them since they aren't too busy with other people.

 

[Trentham]

I think it's because difficult people simply want to take advantage of them because they think they'll have the time and patience to deal with them since they aren't too busy with other people.

I agree, I think that's part of it. Nice people also have a harder time saying no, and 'difficult people' tend to interpret the lack of an outright "no" as an implied "yes."

 

[Tigerlily]

I'm just not a rude person but I can be confrontational depending on the situation. In this case there's no need to be rude to my neighbor as she's done nothing wrong. What she's asking is not abnormal, she just wants a playmate for her son and she likes me.

I recently asked my ENFP gym partner/friend why I see people differently to how others see them. She replied that most people are superficial and only scratch the surface, while you dig deeper and get to know the true them. I tend to over analyze people and likely frustrate myself to the point where I prefer to avoid them rather than deal with them. this neighbor for example makes weird faces and overreacts to little things. when i told her i home schooled our son for a year she took such pity on me like it was the end of the world. i said, "you're kidding right? you just survived lymphoma and you think my homeschooling for a year is terrible?" this woman almost didn't make it. we weren't friends then but got to know one another soon after. i have to admit i was pretty upset when i heard what she was going through and that she wasn't likely to survive. she has two children and as a mother of three myself i just couldn't imagine what that would be like for my kids to be without their mother. to me that was a tragedy while she reacts to what i consider little insignificant things. she did it last night when i told i wasn't feeling well. anyway i don't get it and don't think i ever will, so meh. lol

i'm not without flaws myself but with me what you see is pretty much what you get. if i'm not in a great mood, i don't pretend to be in one. i don't say things for the sake of saying things or to convince myself life is perfect because it isn't. overall i am happy but i am also realistic. i just need to realize that some people need mantras to convince themselves life is peachy.

 

[Trentham]

I recently asked my ENFP gym partner/friend why I see people differently to how others see them. She replied that most people are superficial and only scratch the surface, while you dig deeper and get to know the true them. I tend to over analyze people and likely frustrate myself to the point where I prefer to avoid them rather than deal with them.

 

[Giggly]

I'm just not a rude person but I can be confrontational depending on the situation. In this case there's no need to be rude to my neighbor as she's done nothing wrong. What she's asking is not abnormal, she just wants a playmate for her son and she likes me.

I recently asked my ENFP gym partner/friend why I see people differently to how others see them. She replied that most people are superficial and only scratch the surface, while you dig deeper and get to know the true them. I tend to over analyze people and likely frustrate myself to the point where I prefer to avoid them rather than deal with them. this neighbor for example makes weird faces and overreacts to little things. when i told her i home schooled our son for a year she took such pity on me like it was the end of the world. i said, "you're kidding right? you just survived lymphoma and you think my homeschooling for a year is terrible?" this woman almost didn't make it. we weren't friends then but got to know one another soon after. i have to admit i was pretty upset when i heard what she was going through and that she wasn't likely to survive. she has two children and as a mother of three myself i just couldn't imagine what that would be like for my kids to be without their mother. to me that was a tragedy while she reacts to what i consider little insignificant things. she did it last night when i told i wasn't feeling well. anyway i don't get it and don't think i ever will, so meh. lol

i'm not without flaws myself but with me what you see is pretty much what you get. if i'm not in a great mood, i don't pretend to be in one. i don't say things for the sake of saying things or to convince myself life is perfect because it isn't. overall i am happy but i am also realistic. i just need to realize that some people need mantras to convince themselves life is peachy.

People often treat you in the way that they want to be treated. Perhaps she gives you pity because what she really wants is pity from you.

 

[Vasilisa]

I'm really happiest when I'm not being asked to do things for other people. Can't people just be self sufficient and not bother me? Sometimes I keep the curtain closed because I don't want to answer the door and I keep the ringer on the phone off because I hate the sound it makes because I know its someone who wants something! i guess what it boils down to is that I'm feeling selfish. I want my kids to be happy so I go out of my way to keep them involved with activities so they're aren't bored but when we're home I don't want to be bothered.

can anyone relate to this?

In my experience, a lot of extroverts don't seem to understand/respect the introvert need for "personal sanctuary" (for lack of a better term). To them, things are always better when someone else is around, especially someone they consider a friend. They appear to assume that everyone is like that; some of us just need a little extra nudging which they're all too happy to provide.

I can relate to this. Most time its not the people I choose to be around, like friends, and its not family because I can be frank with them. Its usually people who I am obliged to be accommodating towards.

If I may get off on a tangent here, I will share a bit about when I most feel that my type clashes with other more extroverted types. In my case tension arises more because of the fact that I am territorial and need respite. As far as being territorial, I don't mean like a gang member. I mean that when I invite you into my space, in a way I'm inviting you into my private world. I have had rude people impose on me before and invade my space and take over without being polite or considerate and it really really infuriated me. Then if the rude guests are demanding my attention and I can't relax in my own place I feel overloaded. I don't accept pop-ins. Not to say that I am not inviting, I like to think I am a very good hostess. But simply I really need visits and things scheduled ahead of time and I need guests to have the courtesy not to impose. This makes me feel sorry that I can't be more easy-going and just lighten up. But I would never act that way to someone else, so I wonder why can't they be different. In the end I realize that it is our personalities. But like you, I just wish others would take a little notice and back off.

 

[cafe]

I tend to be very leery of accepting help because it has come back to bite me in the butt too many times. I'd rather limp along on my own or do without than accept help only to have it come back to me via the grapevine what a screw-up I am for needing help.

I have a few friends that I will help when I can. We've been in some tight spots, so I have compassion when people are struggling, but like Jen, I can only do so much. If I take away from my family to give to someone and they use my time, money, energy irresponsibly, I'll resent it just like anyone else. So I try to prioritize and ration my resources carefully and with a busy family, there isn't a lot leftover.

I know it's probably hypocritical and that I'm lazy and self-absorbed, but I've just got what I've got to work with.

 

[Thalassa]

I can't help but see this thread as "Harrassed by Extroverts in Vent!" which is kind of hilarious...