[NF] Good Interpersonally? Great! Help, please!!

[boondocked]

I'm co-writing my thesis with a wonderful, intelligent, complementary peer (ISTJ). Things have been going swimmingly (I spewed ideas, she culled the good ones and made them stronger, I did the writing, she kept us on task, etc.) However, our last draft was killed, absolutely brutally murdered , by the head of my track. We have only one week left for rewrites, and she has unexpected house guests or something of that nature and just wants to get the rewrites done as quickly and efficiently as possible.

I don't. I want to spend every waking moment on the thing. It's our thesis, for craps sakes.

I'm more than willing to do most of the work, much more than willing! But I know that she'll think that she isn't doing her part and feel absolutely terrible. I'm afraid that she might even go so far as to resent all the extra work and ideas I want to put into our thesis. I want us to continue our great relationship, but I don't know how to handle this exactly, so I thought I'd come to NFs for some guidance.

 

[TopherRed]

I recommend you doing all of the work and having her edit over it. You NEED her to get sucked back into this assignment if you intend on getting a good grade on it, and the only way to do that is if she believes she is more needed to correct your "mistakes" than dealing with her future in-laws or whatever. *hint...make mistakes that you can edit out yourself later hint, clears throat obnoxiously* Kapeesh?

 

[Rhapsody]

I'm more than willing to do most of the work, much more than willing! But I know that she'll think that she isn't doing her part

From what you said, it sounds like she really *isn't* doing her part, especially if for the first draft you did all the writing and she just strengthened the ideas/kept everything on task (which doesn't sound like much of a contribution from her). As you said, it's her thesis as well as yours, and she should be willing to put as much effort into it as you are. I don't understand why she's allowing house guests to take priority over that or why she even allowed guests to stay at her place when you're both in the middle of the biggest project of your college (graduate school?) careers.

For now, I would suggest talking to her about how important this is to you that this get done right, asking her what this means to her and why she's letting the unexpected guests take priority (maybe this will prompt her to re-evaluate the decision she's made), and last but not least, diplomatically call her on the fact that she's not pulling her weight (or, if push comes to shove, bluntly call her on that).

And don't worry about making her feel bad. She should feel bad. Seriously, who spends the last week they have to finish their thesis entertaining guests instead, especially when someone else is depending on them?

Also, have you tried posting something about this in the SJ Guardhouse? Maybe the ISTJs will have some insight into how to get your partner motivated.

 

[JustHer]

Is this what NFs think about? Is this real? You guys mean it?

 

[JustHer]

From what you said, it sounds like she really *isn't* doing her part, especially if for the first draft you did all the writing and she just strengthened the ideas/kept everything on task (which doesn't sound like much of a contribution from her). As you said, it's her thesis as well as yours, and she should be willing to put as much effort into it as you are.

Are you for real? Why do you get to be the judge of how much work is enough and how much isn't? Wanting to get the job done quickly hardly means she doesn't want to put in as much effort. Read the OP again.

 

[boondocked]

I recommend you doing all of the work and having her edit over it. You NEED her to get sucked back into this assignment if you intend on getting a good grade on it, and the only way to do that is if she believes she is more needed to correct your "mistakes" than dealing with her future in-laws or whatever. *hint...make mistakes that you can edit out yourself later hint, clears throat obnoxiously* Kapeesh?

Kapeesh

I may do just that. She was completely, and I mean UTTERLY, depressed by our recent arse kicking. I spent over an hour yesterday trying to cheer her up, but it just wasn't happening. So I don't have it in me to sit her down and say, "Hey, LOOK, I need you to find some way to do more."

Your suggestion seems like an emotionally intelligent way to get my work done without stepping on her. I like.

Like JustHer pointed out, it's not like she doesn't want to do the work. She just wants it done efficiently. I'm just not sure that efficiency is our greatest concern anymore. She wants to meet a few hours every day until it's due whearas I feel like working on this every moment until they pry it from my cold dead brain next week.

From what you said, it sounds like she really *isn't* doing her part, especially if for the first draft you did all the writing and she just strengthened the ideas/kept everything on task (which doesn't sound like much of a contribution from her).

But I can't describe to you how much she's helped me by strengthening the ideas and MOST of all by identifying the good ones. I need guidance! Desperately! The best projects I've done during my grad school career were done with her, for just this reason. She knows what's good and what fits. I simply cannot tell what's a crazy bad idea and what's a crazy good idea, ya know?

For now, I would suggest talking to her about how important this is to you that this get done right, asking her what this means to her and why she's letting the unexpected guests take priority (maybe this will prompt her to re-evaluate the decision she's made), and last but not least, diplomatically call her on the fact that she's not pulling her weight (or, if push comes to shove, bluntly call her on that).

If there's a diplomatic way to remind her that guests will probably need to take second billing this weekend, I'm hot to hear it.

I get the feeling that she really wants us to set aside time blocks in which to work so that she can set up other time blocks for the extended fam and thus do it all. Frankly, I just want to do it all myself. If I'm going to work all weekend/next week, I don't want to go into our meetings and be catching her up to speed. I feel like she'd resist that, and maybe rightfully so. That's why I like Fuzzcrossed's editing suggestion. She'd still be an integral part and I could feel free to spend the time needed to create the content!!

Thanks, guys. Hopefully diplomacy pans out, because I'm going to her wedding this summer!!

 

[raz]

Holy shit, you really don't understand ISTJs. If I were you, I would try to invoke Te to set a goal. Think about what you accomplish with the final draft of the thesis. How do you want it to be? What will make it an effective candidate for a thesis? It is FINAL, which means you have take your ideas and come up with something in a timely manner that is cohesive and directed.

This ISTJ will be more upset with you about how unreliable you have become and whether you can complete the task on time. If I were in her situation, and I were *that* busy that I couldn't help you, I would ask you to at least do the most that you possibly can in your free time that you feel comfortable doing. By that, I mean something that you feel is presentable and professional. I would want excerpts, notes, pseudo-drafts from you. I would expect our meetings to be focused on me taking your work and turning it into a presentable finished product.

Think about her situation with her house guests. She planned to help you until you submitted your thesis, but regardless of your situation with your unexpected rewrites, those house guests must still be taken care of, and still taken into consideration that they expect to be treated with sincere respect, not rushed because you have a thesis to write.

That's all I can think of for now.

 

[Rainne]

SJs are the worst to deal with...they're always so nitpicky.

 

[boondocked]

Holy shit, you really don't understand ISTJs.

Nope. That's why I asked for help.

It is FINAL, which means you have take your ideas and come up with something in a timely manner that is cohesive and directed.

Believe me, I understand to the fullest extent how final this is, how cohesive it must be. I've been in school for twenty years (counting kindergarten!) and this thesis is meant to be the culmination of what I've learned in that time. I'm not ****ing around with it.

That said, I took your good advice to deploy my Te and consider what I want the end result to look like. I just sent my partner an email itemizing my current thoughts on what our thesis should include, what it needs to be, with the caveat that I'm going to keep thinking of new points and ideas and references and contexts until two days before it's due. Hopefully this will enough time for her to structure and expand on it?? Her guests will be gone by that time, and even if she ends up pulling an all-nighter, I'll have pulled three to her one. I feel like I can't give the wretched thing up any earlier. It's been accepted for publication by a magazine of note in my world (the severely pared down version, that is), and I can't let my name go on it unless I've given everything I've got.

As for our meetings, I'll take your advice and give her everything I've got, notes, excerpts, partially hashed drafts, etc. Hopefully it won't be too much brain splat

Gawd is this whole situation exasperating!!

You've been pretty helpful though. I don't know if you ISTJs get down with this, but

 

[Rhapsody]

Are you for real? Why do you get to be the judge of how much work is enough and how much isn't? Wanting to get the job done quickly hardly means she doesn't want to put in as much effort. Read the OP again.

You're right, doing things quickly isn't the same as doing a half-assed job. I tend to associate the two (which in retrospect is me projecting) which is one reason why I got the feeling from the OP that boondocked was doing more work than her partner.

All in all, I just wanted to make sure that boondocked wasn't letting herself get taken advantage of. That's why my answer was harsh towards her partner. I figured if I was reading the situation completely wrong (which obviously I was) boondocked would realize I had misinterpreted the OP and would simply disregard my response, no harm done.

If there's a diplomatic way to remind her that guests will probably need to take second billing this weekend, I'm hot to hear it.

Unfortunately I don't have one (I was hoping someone else would be able to think of something) but it sounds like the deploying-Te idea is much better advice anyway.

Good luck with all of your work!

 

[CzeCze]

ISTJs don't always clearly explain to you how upset they or why. I would ask to have a short but efficient talk with him/her about finalizing your strategy for the rewrite. I would also ask how s/he is feeling about the project, what her expectations are with the rewrite (does s/he just want to pass or does she want/need an A?) and what she feels about the setback. Specifically, does she blame *you* or have misgivings about working with you and if so, why. If she states grievances or misgivings, address them and work with her to incorporate them into your attack plan.
You can go over the parts of the thesis that were nixed by your advisor and figure out a strategy. Come up with a new thesis or arguments, and agree together on what will be done. Then who will do it.

You can be the idea person and regenerate some new ideas and s/he can okay the ones that will be used. Then you can take the lead to rewrite and give a deadline when you will give it to them for them to edit.

Basically, you just need to get an agreement from him/her about timeline and who does what. Then you can carry the load from there if she is limited on time. Since it sounds like you are not resentful of her or blame her for the bashed thesis, you just have to make sure she is on board.

Hope this helps and let us know how it goes!