What are you feeling right now?

[ThisName]

School says I have class from 8:30 until 17:30. Me says no. Brain says; you need sleep my child, sleep longer, devour that extra hour! So I listen to brain.

It's 1am... Forgive me.

I also feel as if I am going to have a lot of stress during my exams. The fact that my results were above average last year (and some just freakin great); gave me too much confidence. During my first exam period I was sick as fuck, couldn't eat, sleep, drink,... They put me on painkillers but I still managed to slay that shitt. And during my last examination period I was going through some emotional shit. I mean; imagine what I could do if I was fit. Imagine what I could do if I studied beforehand, went to all my classes... I can always dream about this right I would slay them extra hard, 20/20 on every test this time. Yes.

Though I am still a weird mixture of being too confident and always second guessing myself -when it comes down to it- into crippling anxiety and worthlessness. Getting good results also puts up some expectations; people will expect me to have good grades again.

And this people, is why it's better to pretend that you just suck at everything. Like yes I am stupid, I don't know anything indeed. Bye. People don't expect much from you then. Now they do. Crap.

Now I forgot if I already took my meds or not... Halp. I remember looking at them, but did I swallow them too ??? I feel as if I should sleep indeed. I am high on sleep deprivation. :')

[Yuu]

Better. Last night I was so ill I wanted to die. I may have, my lips were cold and blue!
I honestly contemplated never going to dialysis again.

When things been at their ‘worst’ I never got too down because I knew was temporary, that it would get better, but honestly, I don’t feel that way anymore. Things only get worse and I have no hope they will improve.

- I have no hope my husband will ever get a job, and because of that, no hope we will ever move out of this fucking ghetto
- I have no hope of getting off dialysis again. I told my Dr “ YES! I want to do the work to get on a kidney transplant list!” That has gone nowhere
- I have no hope of ever getting a therapist; I told my social worker I desperately need one, that has gone nowhere
- I was told that I had been referred to a spine Dr, that has no gone nowhere
- I was told I had been referred to a pain specialist (because my Dr refuses to give me a damned thing for the chronic back and knee pain, nor anything for the splitting headaches which start every other day after dialysis and go well into the next day
- I have no hope that my husband is ever gong to deal with whatever issues he has and become are more self- aware person I do not need to walk on eggshells around

The biggest problem, is that I never really needed ‘ hope’ in the past because to me ‘hope’ is not much different than ‘luck’ and I always had it within my power to fix things myself.
None of the above problems are within my control, they are all things I must rely on others to handle and I HATE it. The vast majority of people just don’t give a shit about things that aren’t their problem, that or they are just too lazy and unmotivated, happy to lie around because ‘ it’s too haaaard’ I wish they would just hand over their resources t9 me. I could make life better for all of us, but nope, they must keep all of the power so they can continue doing nothing with it.

Oh right, I said I was feeling better, I am, physically.

[Hexcoder]

Now I forgot if I already took my meds or not... Halp. I remember looking at them, but did I swallow them too ??? I feel as if I should sleep indeed. I am high on sleep deprivation. :')

I used to have this issue frequently until I bought a weekly pill container and downloaded a meds tracker called CareZone.

[Yuu]

Angry. Violated. Degraded. Dehumanized. Just saw the list of tests to be put on the transplant list. I’d rather stay on dialysis.

SO angry, so tired of being forced to do put with things that I find so utterly violating and against everything I believe in, in ways people never have to, would never ask to be, would argue is ‘ against their basic rights’.

Wish I could claim ‘ conscientious objector’. But no, that only works for people who want to infect their children and endanger everyone around them. Not for individuals who are just tired of being violated in a way that affects only themselves.

[Hexcoder]

Most people dont care about the problems, etc. of people they dont know.I am apparently not most people, just naive for expecting people to give a damn about their own species the same way I do.

[Hexcoder]

[Peter Deadpan]

I mean I could go for a full 8 hours of sleep...

[Earl Grey]

[Earl Grey]

Egh. Blaegh. Belgh. BLEIGHAGEAG

[Yuu]

I mean I could go for a full 8 hours of sleep...

It’s certainly the season for it. Dark. Grey. Cold. Fuck that. * goes back to bad*