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[NF] Is it too late?

rainoneventide

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I'm going to try and be as succinct as possible--I'm taking medication for depression, the medication worked and I'm not as depressed, but this has left me with the realization that my self-esteem has left the premises along with any sort of identity.

I want to change. I want to be that ideal self I see in my mind and that I feel most comfortable with, but I feel as if it's too late.

I'm a sophomore in college and I haven't really made any new friends. I don't know what I'll do next year because I'll feel so dumb rooming with someone I don't know at all again. I almost want to take a year off to work and do some soul searching, but I don't know anymore. That might just make me even more lost than I already am.

I think this may be because of my unbending perfectionism. It's like I haven't done things the way I wanted to do them since I entered college, so now I feel as if I've ruined everything, already.

I have no idea if this makes sense, lol.

But have any NF's had the same experience, the feeling that no matter what you do, it's too late? How do you motivate yourself? How do you find some compromise between your ideals and reality?
 

lamp

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Start being your ideal self. Slowly. Do not worry about being fully ideal for now. Even if you get ripped up Prometheus-style tomorrow, you will have lead a more interesting life.

How do you find some compromise between your ideals and reality?
Reality wins. Ideals only get you so far. You have to pick up the slack and do the dirty work to come up with the remainder. Take a look at what you want, what the various possibilities are for the situation, and realize that if you do not exercise any of those possibilities then said situation is going to advance slowly if at all.

Taking a year off will be painful unless you have activities/goals lined up. Goals like 'write a chapter a week' instead of 'write a novel'. Perhaps the problem with taking a year off vs uni is that you will have more time to think. You probably think enough already.

I think the key to building confidence is doing stuff and accumulating concrete results. Good results are not necessary; it helps just to be able to point to stuff and say 'these events have occurred on my path of awesomeness'.

I would not sweat the roomate thing. You get to meet a new person, and a friend could turn into a bitch once you are living with them. Plus you can avoid your room somewhat successfully. Library, campus, etc. Having to avoid your room seems bad. But it looks like thats a risk you are going to have to take.

Also get your thyroid hormone levels checked. People used to tell me I was depressed until we nuked the shit out of my thyroid.

now if any of that seemed sound to you go try it out. bin the rest.
 
P

Phantonym

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I can relate to what you have said here. And it definitely makes sense. :hug: One thing that I can tell you is that you definitely haven't ruined everything and it's not too late.

I have the curse of perfectionism as well. I haven't had the feeling that it's too late, however I find that I'm constantly picking myself off from the ground, the shapeless puddle in need of some definite identity. And I've been doing that for years on end. Every time I feel like I'm getting closer to that elusive "ideal self", I only find myself sinking even deeper and I have to start all over again. It's frustrating, to say the least.

Unfortunately I don't have any kind of concrete and useful advice to give. I find that I really do have so much inner strength and that's what helps me to stay focused on the future. That no matter how low I can sink, I can always get up and walk on. I've always had that feeling, despite having some really low moments. Somehow I've managed to keep myself grounded and realistic, without getting my head too high up in the clouds.

It's good that you want to change. That's what will give you the strength to keep yourself motivated, whatever you decide to do. It is not too late. Start taking small steps to narrow down the things that matter the most to you, start doing one thing at a time, something you've always wanted to do. It's too easy to take on too many things at once and then feel overwhelmed, that way there's a high chance that you might drop all of them. Nothing can improve if you don't start taking some risks.

Good luck with everything! :)
 
G

garbage

Guest
Haha, hell no, it's not too late.

I didn't really start living life and meeting people until after my master's degree. Pretty much all of the friends, activities, and hobbies that I'm involved with now are those that I've met/started within the last year and a half.

Suffice it to say, it took a long time for things to feel like they came together for me.. but once it did, it was on! And it's been on ever since.

Know that this doesn't mean that I'm even over my past experiences yet, or that I have it all together. It's a continual process that I apparently still struggle with.

So, just hang in there! And everything else that everyone here said, too. :hug:
 

Alchemiss

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Been there, done that with perfectionism and I'll just say there's life after it! A much richer, more joyous life. :)

Perfectionism is about judgment and not discernment. Any time you call yourself dumb or say you've messed up or you just ought to quit you've been hooked. The part you have to excavate is what matters to you, what *your* value system looks like, who *you* are at the core. The judgment is distraction and keeps your true self from shining forth. Judgment is a choice; be it conscious or unconscious. Start observing yourself as objectively as possible (meaning resist the urge to judge the judging if you can) and notice what you choose to tell yourself about the world and about yourself. Over time, you can replace self-judgment with self-acceptance.
 

yvonne

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^ that was nice.

i know what you're talking about, too, rainoneventide. it's pretty hard, if you're afraid. i know i still am... but i think it's getting better. don't be afraid to make decisions that feel right to you. as some wise people said before... one step at a time. i want to become myself, also... it's not easy, but it's probably worth it.

:hug:
 

Lacey

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:hug:

I'm gonna let the wiser ones give the advice, but I just wanted to let you know that I relate.
 

quietmusician

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I'm going through this now. For me, the best way I deal with things is to take some time and step back from the situation. I close myself off from everything for a few days and just think. And after that I will have more energy and hopefully a tiny portion of positivity to grasp on.
 

CuriousFeeling

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It's never too late to find yourself. Rather than strive for "perfection", strive for excellence in your endeavors. Start off small. You will have much more motivation to achieve goals if you set small realistic ones that lead to a desired end (whatever it may be). Each small step leads to the end.

One thing for certain, do not beat yourself up over not doing well in something. It's actually counterproductive to motivating yourself. Think of the mishaps/mistakes as a part of learning. I get a bit hard on myself, I admit, a bit of a type A personality, I like to do well in things. It can be difficult dealing with the internal critic, but you just got to tell the internal critic to just eff off. ;)

And sophomore year is not too late to make friends either! Join a club that shares a common interest with you. What type of interests do you have? What's your major? Perhaps you could find a club that's involved in your major. It's a great way to network with people.
 

scortia

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There's already a lot of good advice in here. Just remember as an NF you're always going to be your own worst judge, so don't be too hard on yourself. A lot of us have had depression and identity issues, it comes along with the NF label for most of us. Don't feel alone with it, each personal failure is a step towards future success. Recognizing what you want to work on and seeing gradual change is what makes us NFs glee. Personal improvement, the greatest thing in the world! Find out what makes you happy, what makes you feel "complete" and focus on it intently and find yourself.
 

rainoneventide

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Thank you so much for the posts, I've read all of them and they're seriously a lot of help. Even if you guys don't have advice to give, it's amazing how comforting it is to know that I'm not alone. And just as a little update, I've given it more thought and I've decided that I'll continue with college instead of taking a break. I have a habit of dwelling on dark thoughts when I'm alone, especially when I don't have any schedule to follow, so it would probably be healthier for me to step outside my comfort zone and just go.

It's crazy how stressed out I get when I try embracing that change I want, though. It feels as if I'll like... disintegrate. So then I crawl back into my shell and give up with that "it's too late" mantra circling around and around my head.
 

gromit

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Is it too late? No. It is never too late! :smile: And besides, you are so young!

I think this may be because of my unbending perfectionism. It's like I haven't done things the way I wanted to do them since I entered college, so now I feel as if I've ruined everything, already.

When I find myself in a less-than-ideal situation of my own making, I just will sometimes fret about all the things I could have or should have done or how I wished I had acted. It can become really debilitating. Instead, I try to remind myself that what's done is done, that I cannot control the past, only how I respond to it. I almost imagine that I have been assigned the situation like randomly or something, that I have a blank page in front of me, that I can fill it however I like with the information that I have been given. It helps me to not freak out so much about dumb things I have done or mistakes I have made to imagine it assigned to me rather than of my own doing. Then it becomes like a challenge... almost fun, even.

I'm a sophomore in college and I haven't really made any new friends. I don't know what I'll do next year because I'll feel so dumb rooming with someone I don't know at all again. I almost want to take a year off to work and do some soul searching, but I don't know anymore. That might just make me even more lost than I already am.

I think either taking a year off or staying could be good, in different ways. Taking a year off would put you in a new situation, which - at least for me - always jump starts me into new directions and insights. If you stay, there is ALWAYS the opportunity to make new friends and meet new people. I think it's important to start small and look for people who are in a similar position (i.e. also looking to make friends). It's easy to look around and feel like everyone knows each other, but there are in reality a lot of people out there who want to connect to somebody.

I want to change. I want to be that ideal self I see in my mind and that I feel most comfortable with, but I feel as if it's too late.

How do you find some compromise between your ideals and reality?

Ideals versus reality - probably when there's a disconnect between the two you need to examine and possibly work on changing both. Can you adjust your short-term ideal? Can you set small goals to change your reality in small ways and then adjust the goal as you move toward each one? Maybe identifying an interest and joining a club? Then the next goal is then attending some of the activities and asking people about what they are interested in... then seeing if some of the people want to get together outside the club...

Building confidence takes time and patience. Believe me, I know... :hug:



So there's my two cents. This could be awful advice, but it's just what I've experienced in my own life, so take what is useful to you and ignore the rest. :unsure:
 

Fecal McAngry

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Oct 31, 2009
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I'm going to try and be as succinct as possible--I'm taking medication for depression, the medication worked and I'm not as depressed, but this has left me with the realization that my self-esteem has left the premises along with any sort of identity.

I want to change. I want to be that ideal self I see in my mind and that I feel most comfortable with, but I feel as if it's too late.

I'm a sophomore in college and I haven't really made any new friends. I don't know what I'll do next year because I'll feel so dumb rooming with someone I don't know at all again. I almost want to take a year off to work and do some soul searching, but I don't know anymore. That might just make me even more lost than I already am.

I think this may be because of my unbending perfectionism. It's like I haven't done things the way I wanted to do them since I entered college, so now I feel as if I've ruined everything, already.

I have no idea if this makes sense, lol.

But have any NF's had the same experience, the feeling that no matter what you do, it's too late? How do you motivate yourself? How do you find some compromise between your ideals and reality?

When you pass through the fire
you pass through humble
You pass through a maze of self doubt
When you pass through humble
the lights can blind you
Some people never figure that out
You pass through arrogance you pass through hurt
You pass through an ever present past
and it's best not to wait for luck to save you
Pass through the fire to the light
As you pass through the fire
your right hand waving
there are things you have to throw out
That caustic dread inside your head
will never help you out
You have to be very strong
'cause you'll start from zero
over and over again
And as the smoke clears
there's an all consuming fire
lying straight ahead
They say no one person can do it all
but you want to in your head
But you can't be Shakespeare
and you can't be Joyce
so what is left instead
you're stuck with yourself
and a rage that can hurt you
You have to start at the beginning again
And just this moment
This wonderful fire started up again
When you pass through humble
when you pass through sickly
When you pass through
I'm better than you all
When you pass through
anger and self deprecation
and have the strength to acknowledge it all
When the past makes you laugh
and you can savor the magic
that let you survive your own war
you find that fire is passion
and there's a door up ahead not a wall
As you pass through fire as you pass through fire
try to remember it's name
When you pass through fire licking at your lips
you cannot remain the same
And if the building's burning
move towards that door
but don't put the flames out
There's a bit of magic in everything
and then some loss to even things out...

Lou Reed, INFP, "Magic And Loss - The Summation"
 

toast

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rainoneventide, just the fact that you want to be a better you & you aren't in denial is a good sign & proof its not too late. You may think you're far from your mark but remember the judgmental perfectionist nature that's making that so overwhelming right now will adjust when you're in a better place. I'm betting you aren't seeing the truth about yourself.
 

William K

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A lot of good advice already ahead of me so I'm just gonna keep it short :)

You're in your early 20s and think it's too late? Bah, youngling :D I think there are several threads in here about the Fi-Si loop that haunts INFP. We always feel like we could have done something better or different. The truth is you can't change the past so forget about it. I know, it's easier said than done. I love wallowing in my past failures (and successes). As many have said, take small steps. Look at your ideal goal as the final destination with lots of milestones along the way.

Find a hobby/sport/activity that interests you and can keep your mind occupied whenever you feel depression creeping in. It can be something you do on your own or in a group, whatever makes you comfortable. Sometimes it takes someone other than yourself to see the good qualities you have, so get your friends to list down what they find that's good about you. You'll be surprised at how ignorant of our own strengths we can be sometimes when we are busy bemoaning our weaknesses :)

Just remember that you can't change yesterday, and you should never walk forward in life with your head looking backwards. Today is the first day of the rest of your life and what better time to make that change? Good luck, and don't worry, you're not the only one who has had to face this and you won't be the last.

Ok, so maybe that was not so short after all....
 

Alchemiss

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... And just as a little update, I've given it more thought and I've decided that I'll continue with college instead of taking a break. ...

It's crazy how stressed out I get when I try embracing that change I want, though. It feels as if I'll like... disintegrate. So then I crawl back into my shell and give up with that "it's too late" mantra circling around and around my head.

Congratulations on deciding to move forward!

Crazy is just another judgment. The stress is likely inner conflict between who your true self is and who you think you "should" be based on others' opinions. Becoming the true Quiet may indeed require some disintegration of the false self to recover her. She's in there and she knows it's never too late. This is a call to consciousness; not comfortable but infinitely rewarding! :)
 

file cabinet

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since everyone has responded.. what do you want to do now?
step 1. stay in college (which you've posted)
step 2. what now?
 

yvonne

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what i'd do in your situation would be that i'd ask myself what i wanted... then move to that direction. do you really want to take a year off, do you have plans? is something unresolved you think you could resolve taking a year off?... or is it just a way out of something you could actually find another way out off/in?

i've also found it's hard sometimes balancing with your expectations and ideals and the reality/ probabilities. i think taking it step by step and giving yourself some kind of timelines and smaller objectives helps. it always helps to remember that at some point you are going to end up hitting your head on a wall. it's all about believing that it isn't the end of the world... risks have to be taken in order to create change...

good luck!! :)
 

Polaris

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rainoneventide said:
But have any NF's had the same experience, the feeling that no matter what you do, it's too late?
Oh God have I ever, and after a long and intricate journey, I've found that the answer is simple. You think positively, and that's it. As glib and cliched as it may seem, it really is the answer to every problem in life, as anyone who practices it can tell you. You may think other people are foolish for believing in themselves and you may look back and think you were foolish yourself, but if you believe in yourself right here and right now and live with all your will and faith, you quite literally become a god. It's something you can't question, because the moment you do, you weaken yourself.

That doesn't mean you should fake it, though; faking it is exactly what you want to avoid; you want to stop yourself from embracing your bad faith, your inability to pour yourself wholly into what you're doing. Rather than tell yourself it's all right when it isn't, you have to find an escape route that you can believe in. It begins not by denying your problems but by envisioning the brighter possibilities. Probably at first you'll only be able to see the darker ones, but the possible is never the actual; it's always in question, always subject to doubt, and here doubt can become your friend. Rather than question yourself, you can question your self-questioning and answer it with a brighter future.

This is self-belief, a belief beyond question exactly to the extent that you trust it. If you believe what I'm saying, that confirms its truth, and if you doubt it, the effect of your doubt only serves to illustrate my point.

So just believe in yourself.
 
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