[INFJ] INFJ: Are you afraid to try new things in public?

[Misty_Mountain_Rose]

My sister was here to visit me this past week. While I had a great time with her, I was stumped (and a little frustrated) a few times because she has a very stubborn resistance to trying new things: Food, activities, etc. At least, when people are watching! I can't understand it and it drives me crazy, but after a few times of being turned down for things I suggested and having my sensitive INTJ feelings hurt, I realized that it wasn't personal... its just the way she is.

She refuses to go to a restaurant with food that she doesn't know (foreign food) because she doesn't want to try it 'in public'. She said if we brought it home she would probably try it... ?

When we were playing games on the Wii she watched for hours, refusing to participate. She only started playing when everyone assured her that they weren't very good at it either.

When she DOES participate in something and happens to do well at it, she is dramatically boastful.

It seems like basic insecurity to me... fear of being riduculed maybe? I was curious though if this was an INFJ thing or perhaps just her own peculiarity.

I love her, and really wish that I understood her more. I really think she's more closed off than I am.

 

[Synarch]

I don't think it's an INFJ thing.

 

[brainheart]

No offense to your sister or anything, but the food thing is... odd. I have images of a wolf dragging sushi back to his lair because he doesn't want any other wolves to see him eating it.

I can see the wii thing, though. I kind of have to figure things out on my own and I am pretty competitive and a perfectionist to boot, not to mention an introvert. So if it's something like that, I would prefer to have some time alone with it to figure it out. But if I had to play with others I could drink a few beers, shrug, and get over it.

But not like you probably care about my opinion, seeing how I'm not an INFJ and all.

 

[nightning]

+1 on synarch's comment.

I love trying new food, new games etc when everybody knows I've never tried that before. I get a little skittish when I am expected to know how to do something when I don't.

 

[cafe]

If the food in restaurants was free, I'd try new stuff all the time. I fear paying for something I turn out not liking and feeling like I either have to eat it or send it back, when it isn't their fault I don't like it. This is about the only thing buffets are good for.

I didn't use chopsticks in public until I had the hang of using them, but I was okay with practicing in front of our Korean foreign exchange student and my family.

I don't mind trying new games in front of my family. Don't know that I'd want to try them in front of a live studio audience. I'm usually only an obnoxious winner if I beat my brother.

 

[ubiquitous1]

I am not a fan of trying new things/places. However, my extroverted friends are good at getting me to try new things/places and one of my friends always gives me a back-up plan incase I ever become too uncomfortable, doing this increases the likelihood that I will try something new. I think I don’t like trying new things/places because it forces me to use my Se, my least developed function. I can’t identify with being boastful about stuff though, it actually makes me very uncomfortable to be “better” than other people.

 

[21%]

If I had to go with a group of people I don't know well to a foreign food restaurant, I might feel a bit uncomfortable, but I'm perfect okay with going with my friends or family. It seems like she is a bit oversensitive to how 'the public' might perceive her. I can identify with not wanting to make a fool out of myself in public, especially when I was younger, but I think it gets better with age. How old is she?

 

[Lightyear]

Oh dear, this thread title just made me laugh! Don't ask.

 

[brainheart]

Does it have to do with a lowercase 'l' potentially being absent from the title?

 

[Phantonym]

I don't think that it's something intrinsically INFJ-like. Personally, I'm always up to trying new things, foods, activites and so on. As long as I feel that I am being in control.

I can relate to your sister's hesitation. I agree that it might be fear of being ridiculed. And possibly the fear of unknown, the need to be in control. She probably wouldn't have any problems if she could try these things on her own terms and deal with her reactions on her own so beforehand so that she could know for certain how to react in public without the fear of being ridiculed.

 

[pyramid]

I like this thread!! Everyone's post is great!

My sweetheart INFJ friend has social anxiety and if it were coming from her I'd see this as someone who doesn't want to make a scene if they can't hide their disappointment of the hypothetical situation. Eg, you're... ordering anything that includes anything familiar on a menu you can't read, then being disgusted by the sight of this food, not caring for the taste, and perhaps it was expensive. INFJ does not see it fair either way to send it back or have it in front of them and may feel trapped in an uncomfortable social situation. Effectively this sucks and might cause undesired emotional reaction from INFJ. In the case of my friend, one of the things she is passionate about is culture so being around explicitly foriegn stuff is her preference. Though, if you want her to come to X social event and the theme isn't something with which she's familiar, she could be very hesitant without further info and sentiments.

 

[pyramid]

She refuses to go to a restaurant with food that she doesn't know (foreign food) because she doesn't want to try it 'in public'. She said if we brought it home she would probably try it... ?

I love her, and really wish that I understood her more. I really think she's more closed off than I am.

You two should together pick a new place to go to that neither have tried before (or if she prefers, one you have visited before) and then research it a bit together. If you are going out to eat pick a place that has an available menu and look at it beforehand (perhaps there are pictures of the environment of the restaurant as well). Anything on the menu that you don't know, look up in an online encyclopedia. Make it a goal to end up ordering the best thing on the menu. Maybe try ordering in the first time, if she likes the food she might want to go check out the restaurant!

Would you describe her [re: food] as a picky eater or unadventurous and comfortable?

 

[cascadeco]

I don't think it's an INFJ thing.

Right; I don't think it has much to do with her being INFJ; it's just her own peculiarities, or psychologically, something outside of mbti.

 

[Fidelia]

Pyramid explained my behaviour well. Usually more information if it's an unfamiliar situation and a little time to get used to an idea is all I need. I like to be fairly sure of my own reactions, as well as the likely reactions/expectations of the people around me, and then I am very comfortable navigating a new situation.

I am not terribly open to trying new things until I have had a little while to get used to the idea. If I have it in my mind that we have certain plans, it's not that I am not open to change, but I like having a few minutes to get readjust.

I HATE doing anything in front of people that I am not sure that I know how to do at least respectably well. (And yes, I identify about the Wii thing. Usually I come around with some coaxing from someone I trust not to make me feel dumb in front of a group of people I know less well). I am very easily embarrassed. What may just be a throwaway joke or comment from someone else can make me feel inwardly wretched and self-conscious for a long time. I don't like being upset at other people and even if they are not critical of me, my own inner critic is fairly strong. As a child, I even felt embarrassed in front of myself reading poetry TO MYSELF with expression in the mirror, in preparation for a competition.

As far as trying new food, I often would if it is just with people I know well enough that I can try something and determine openly whether I like it or not. I usually don't order something new or go to many new restaurants though because I am not sure if I'll like it as well and then not only will I have spent the money on something I don't like, but I will be full too! I'm okay though as long as I have enough information, even if I've never been there.

Often when faced with the choice between an evening out with people I don't know well, or doing something at home that I already enjoy, I'll pick the more familiar of the two options. However, in most cases, I am glad once I actually do go out with the people. I just need the extra push to do so. I think that is why I am often attracted to extroverted people who get me to try new things, without seeming insensitive or cohearsive.

Having said all that, I actually am a reasonably adventurous eater, I have travelled many places and enjoy activities that allow me to interact with strangers or learn new things. You likely just need to be gently pushy and a little patient while the person warms up to a new idea and your INFJ will come around.

 

[Lexicon]

My sister was here to visit me this past week. While I had a great time with her, I was stumped (and a little frustrated) a few times because she has a very stubborn resistance to trying new things: Food, activities, etc. At least, when people are watching! I can't understand it and it drives me crazy, but after a few times of being turned down for things I suggested and having my sensitive INTJ feelings hurt, I realized that it wasn't personal... its just the way she is.

She refuses to go to a restaurant with food that she doesn't know (foreign food) because she doesn't want to try it 'in public'. She said if we brought it home she would probably try it... ?

When we were playing games on the Wii she watched for hours, refusing to participate. She only started playing when everyone assured her that they weren't very good at it either.

When she DOES participate in something and happens to do well at it, she is dramatically boastful.

It seems like basic insecurity to me... fear of being riduculed maybe? I was curious though if this was an INFJ thing or perhaps just her own peculiarity.

I love her, and really wish that I understood her more. I really think she's more closed off than I am.

Yeah.. this sounds less to do with specific type and more to do with some sort of sensitivity to rejection/need for acceptance stemming from some sort of inferiority complex. I don't know your sister, obviously, but based on the illustration you've offered, this seems like a very familiar behavior pattern. Like she's at a disadvantage to others by default, so she has to work harder just to feel like an equal human. Fears and needs for compensation. That's a stressful way to live, and sadly limiting.. hopefully she can eventually trace what may have caused her to develop this possible sense of inferiority/incapacity, so she can overcome it, and realize she's no more or less human than the rest of us. Some are just ok with that. And others are just good at pretending. I think being able to find the humor in almost any situation is helpful.. learning to laugh at yourself, learning to laugh with others.. seems to feel like an equalizer in some respects.

It seems infinitely beneficial to try to remind someone caught in a loop such as this, that things don't have to be this way. That discomfort and need to pull back doesn't have to exist, and she does have the power to change it, if she's willing to do the work, that her incapacity is only a blurry lens in her mind's eye, not an actual part of who she is.

It might help, to ask her, at a point in time when she's not actively distressed, to think for a minute, and try to figure out what thoughts are occurring in her mind in those moments of fearful emotional response, so she can try to narrow down and pinpoint what lines of reasoning and misconceptions/invalid conclusions compel her to avoid. If she doesn't want to break it down with another person, it may help to suggest taking it down in a journal, and looking through it for patterns.