[ENFJ] Getting under all those ENFJ layers

[Malkavia]

ENFJ have layers and lots of them. They are usually a bit more complicated than other people I know.

What are some tips you ENFJs have for understanding you or at least learning to appreciate you better?

One thing I have learned is to not make snap judgements of what an ENFJ is saying or doing because I probably have no idea why they are doing it. Usually with other people I can figure out what someone is thinking and why, but ENFJs keep me stumped and thats why I love them.

 

[Unkindloving]

Ask Questions, Discuss, and Accept.

ENFJs are strange creatures that will take a lot of misunderstanding toward their external world, but not toward their internal world. I'd say that the internal world is very closed off to others as it's the one area where we actually deal with ourselves and that's a difficult thing for an ENFJ to do in the first place.
I know that my internal world can be completely closed off from someone if i feel like i have to defend it to them, if they don't understand and refuse to ask questions, or if they aren't open-minded to differences in individuals.

It feels like ENFPs have some of the best natural potential to get through more layers. They are more prone to play with eccentric concepts and pry in a more welcoming way, accompanied by how obscure they can also be.

(I would love to hear anyone's differing opinion. I just don't know another type that compares)

I said this to Mad Hatter the other day about ENFJs - "Emotional time bomb that always wants to be a support beam for other people."
If you're merely observing, try to take that description into account as you witness their choice of words or actions. Also, how we may advise people isn't usually the way we advise ourselves. There are always bits of that in our advice, but i feel as though we're more extreme with ourselves due to the intensity factor.

- Likely more later, if i learn to give brief and concise tips

 

[Malkavia]

Feel free to write as much as you want. In this thread, PM, or otherwise.

 

[BlueFlame]

Yes, questions. My inner world is scary, even to me, and on the rare occasions that I might feel inclined to really open up, I'm constantly second-guessing whether or not I should. Sometimes I just don't want to burden anyone else with myself, or I'm afraid I'll scare them with my intensity, so actually letting me know that you WANT to know can be helpful.
If you do get through, don't treat it as a small thing, even if the ENFJ appears nonchalant about it. Respond, affirm, ask more questions, and be understanding, or you may never get through again!
I know one insensitive moment when I'm vulnerable can permanently damage my ability to open up to that person ever again!

I think it's hard for me to advise on that because I'm very protective of my gushy center and I don't like thinking about how someone can plunge in.

 

[pyramid]

Yes, questions. My inner world is scary, even to me, and on the rare occasions that I might feel inclined to really open up, I'm constantly second-guessing whether or not I should. Sometimes I just don't want to burden anyone else with myself, or I'm afraid I'll scare them with my intensity, so actually letting me know that you WANT to know can be helpful.
If you do get through, don't treat it as a small thing, even if the ENFJ appears nonchalant about it. Respond, affirm, ask more questions, and be understanding, or you may never get through again!
I know one insensitive moment when I'm vulnerable can permanently damage my ability to open up to that person ever again!

I think it's hard for me to advise on that because I'm very protective of my gushy center and I don't like thinking about how someone can plunge in.

This sounds very ENFP to me too. We seem to be open books but we do keep our most intense thoughts to ourselves and if you can ask a provocative enough question to get to the chewy center, congrats!

ENFP will let you get very near the center though without much effort -- ENFJ are more reserved in this aspect.

 

[flameskull95]

Isn't it the same for INFJ's???

 

[ceecee]

ENFJ are more reserved in this aspect.

I agree. I have found once you give them a solid base of trust and open communication, they will open up more. The key is to not interrupt and to be genuinely interested in what they have to say. If they get one whiff that you aren't, the game is up and they close up. I'm not saying to drop everything, sitting with adoring attention lavished on every word. I just mean listen, make eye contact. Those normal courtesies go very far with ENFJ's.

 

[JocktheMotie]

Fe does seem to be the sports bra of functions. Hard to get underneath, and even if you do, you've probably sprained your wrist.

 

[JustHer]

Fe does seem to be the sports bra of functions. Hard to get underneath, and even if you do, you've probably sprained your wrist.

You really seem to dislike sports bras. Almost as if there is an excellent story behind it...

 

[pyramid]

Fe does seem to be the sports bra of functions. Hard to get underneath, and even if you do, you've probably sprained your wrist.

hahah!

 

[pyramid]

I agree. I have found once you give them a solid base of trust and open communication, they will open up more. The key is to not interrupt and to be genuinely interested in what they have to say. If they get one whiff that you aren't, the game is up and they close up. I'm not saying to drop everything, sitting with adoring attention lavished on every word. I just mean listen, make eye contact. Those normal courtesies go very far with ENFJ's.

How do you deal with an ENFJ that has the most superficial, boring, trivial, mundane interests to you, and you can spend so long entertaining those things before they've burnt out??? Do I have to prod and pry? It seems like if I don't interrogate about the ADDITIONAL interests of the ENFJ they will only refer to their least fascinating qualities.

Everyone else might be entertained by this but my ENFPness can see the layers and want in!!!

It seems like unless you have the established trust though--too f'n bad.

 

[ceecee]

How do you deal with an ENFJ that has the most superficial, boring, trivial, mundane interests to you, and you can spend so long entertaining those things before they've burnt out??? Do I have to prod and pry? It seems like if I don't interrogate about the ADDITIONAL interests of the ENFJ they will only refer to their least fascinating qualities.

Everyone else might be entertained by this but my ENFPness can see the layers and want in!!!

It seems like unless you have the established trust though--too f'n bad.

Yeah this is a quandary. Start asking. Go places with them. You find a wealth of info just doing everyday stuff with them. The trust thing, I'm afraid you're right about. You could also say - this is a give and take sort of thing. Share or I'll smack you around awhile. Unless they like that. But I find they are willing to share if you are willing to share. YMMV.

 

[JoSunshine]

But I find they are willing to share if you are willing to share.

That's definitely true with me. It's also really important not to judge when I open up. Validation is super important to me.

I briefly dated an ENFJ who was very interested in me and my feelings, but I couldn't get him to open up even a crack...he would just tell a lot of funny stories and would quickly redirect the conversation if things got too personal (regarding him). It was frustrating and ultimately, I pulled away.

 

[proteanmix]

How do you deal with an ENFJ that has the most superficial, boring, trivial, mundane interests to you, and you can spend so long entertaining those things before they've burnt out??? Do I have to prod and pry? It seems like if I don't interrogate about the ADDITIONAL interests of the ENFJ they will only refer to their least fascinating qualities.

Everyone else might be entertained by this but my ENFPness can see the layers and want in!!!

It seems like unless you have the established trust though--too f'n bad.

I told myself I would not reply to these threads anymore because I never have anything nice to say and yet here I am!

If someone were doing this to me and I didn't want to play along, I'd throw more Fe shade at them.

I don't have to open the door just because somebody knocks. I don't believe anyone has a right to my insides just because they show interest. My insides are my own and if I choose to share I will and am perfectly capable of doing so. I don't need gentle nudging or reassurances the coast is clear because I have eyes to see and a brain to put all the pieces together. I find the bolded a little offensive because I guard my more tender parts viciously. I know how I am when I feel they've been violated and that's not pretty.

I have total confidence in my ability to vet and assess the character of those I want to get closer to and if I feel reservations about a person, I go with that feeling. I've got the most awesome group of people around me with so little drama it's ridiculous and since I have such great friends I know I must be doing something right. And to be honest, I don't feel like my nougaty center is any more fascinating than anyone else's so you're just as likely to get there and be disappointed as delightfully surprised.

 

[BlueFlame]

This sounds very ENFP to me too. We seem to be open books but we do keep our most intense thoughts to ourselves and if you can ask a provocative enough question to get to the chewy center, congrats!

ENFP will let you get very near the center though without much effort -- ENFJ are more reserved in this aspect.

Yes, I think we're a little more tightly wound, and we tend to bury whatever parts of ourselves we don't choose to project to a particular person, so it can go way beyond just thoughts and feelings. Your issue with an ENFJ who only has boring surface interests is a pretty good illustration of that.
It's almost like we project a sort of neutral version of ourself until we figure YOU out, and then open up a little more as we grow to trust you...or have a volcanic moment when we just dump it all.

The plus side of all of it is that ENFJs are full of surprises! You never know what might pop out. I've been with my husband for eight years and he still gets caught off guard occasionally!

f someone were doing this to me and I didn't want to play along, I'd throw more Fe shade at them

Yep.

 

[ceecee]

I don't have to open the door just because somebody knocks. I don't believe anyone has a right to my insides just because they show interest. My insides are my own and if I choose to share I will and am perfectly capable of doing so. I don't need gentle nudging or reassurances the coast is clear because I have eyes to see and a brain to put all the pieces together. I find the bolded a little offensive because I guard my more tender parts viciously. I know how I am when I feel they've been violated and that's not pretty.

Ohhh yes. This is me. If I think you're pushing, you can fuck right off.

 

[Yloh]

Pretty much what the other ENFJs said, but I have something to add.

Don't expect to have us open up on our first or second meeting. It takes time and that time differs with every person. If you really want to dig deep into an ENFJ, then you should always show interest in that person and let things flow naturally.

 

[pyramid]

And to be honest, I don't feel like my nougaty center is any more fascinating than anyone else's so you're just as likely to get there and be disappointed as delightfully surprised.

I respect people's space and privacy, though ENFP can't help but be endlessly fascinated by a mysterious side of a similarly complex person! I feel ENFJs are full of profound reason but sometimes just placate others with typical life stuff or relatable small talk vs offering their wonderful worldly insights.

ENFPs are just extremely receptive to some genuine Fe and would love to show the other party that they can feel it and appreciate it. I think Fe is often effective but under praised.

basically ENFPs might be shocked or offended that an ENFJ would think we'd take advantage of a vulnerable side. we are always vulnerable in some respects and are very gentle with the feelings of others!! we know of and respect your emotional side so if we can't see it we're just concerned you're uncomfortable or upset!

 

[proteanmix]

I respect people's space and privacy, though ENFP can't help but be endlessly fascinated by a mysterious side of a similarly complex person! I feel ENFJs are full of profound reason but sometimes just placate others with typical life stuff or relatable small talk vs offering their wonderful worldly insights.

ENFPs are just extremely receptive to some genuine Fe and would love to show the other party that they can feel it and appreciate it. I think Fe is often effective but under praised.

basically ENFPs might be shocked or offended that an ENFJ would think we'd take advantage of a vulnerable side. we are always vulnerable in some respects and are very gentle with the feelings of others!! we know of and respect your emotional side so if we can't see it we're just concerned you're uncomfortable or upset!

Well thank you pyramid you sound like a very supportive person.

What I was trying to say is I don't worry about my "vulnerable" side getting taken advantage of because I'm in control of who has access to it. If I feel like someone is pressing for more...it just feels like someone's trying to get in my house and when I've closed the door. And then on top of it, I don't know how to unlock and open the door when I want to. Let me help you unleash your stifled feelings...

My particular thoughts on the matter are since I don't feel misunderstood by the people who matter or like I lack close friendships, I don't feel a need to be endlessly open to every person that expresses interest. Like I said, that doesn't mean I'm not receptive to them. To me it seems like if I've got a plate of tasty food in front of me but I already ate. Yeah I could gorge myself, but I find this type of emotional gluttony very addictive and eventually will have problems sustaining itself.

Each person has a different set of basic emotional needs due to whatever life circumstances they've been through and some people who haven't had very supportive relationships tend to be very receptive when someone like you takes an interest in them and wants to get to know them better.

If you're trying to create a safe space for your friend to open up then I'd pay attention to all those little mundane things this person says because those may be pieces of that person they're trying to give you but you're looking for the prime cuts. Maybe they're seeing how you treat the smaller, less significant stuff before stepping it up a level.

 

[Malkavia]

I told myself I would not reply to these threads anymore because I never have anything nice to say and yet here I am!

If someone were doing this to me and I didn't want to play along, I'd throw more Fe shade at them.

I don't have to open the door just because somebody knocks. I don't believe anyone has a right to my insides just because they show interest. My insides are my own and if I choose to share I will and am perfectly capable of doing so. I don't need gentle nudging or reassurances the coast is clear because I have eyes to see and a brain to put all the pieces together. I find the bolded a little offensive because I guard my more tender parts viciously. I know how I am when I feel they've been violated and that's not pretty.

I have total confidence in my ability to vet and assess the character of those I want to get closer to and if I feel reservations about a person, I go with that feeling. I've got the most awesome group of people around me with so little drama it's ridiculous and since I have such great friends I know I must be doing something right. And to be honest, I don't feel like my nougaty center is any more fascinating than anyone else's so you're just as likely to get there and be disappointed as delightfully surprised.

I am extremely sorry if I created a thread that pushed your buttons.

What I am mostly concerned is having an ENFJ wanting (or even trying subtly) to open up and I screw it up because I dont always pick up on the small things. I want to create a safe place properly and not screw something up.