[NF] Angry rant

[pyramid]

fidelia, I like your tactful advice but you can't add more adverse things to someone's life to push them over the line into proactivity, they will have to do that for themselves. However I do think that you have provided a solid "am I considerate?" checklist of responsibility. While it promotes everyone operating at optimum performance, not everyone is going to fall into that or not yet. Some people even have legitimate reasons for being up at night (and what's wrong with loving the night time? many cities have 24 hour culture).

The world is pretty competitive and overcrowded these days. I think some can have unrealistic expectations of how difficult/easy it is to stand on your own in X city. I feel there's a lot more that demands your attention than when your parents' generation had to figure out early adulthood. But prove to them you can do it too, and do it better! Ignore them if they don't give you the opportunity to do it right and simply want instant gratification from their kids. You're going to school full time. Seems proactive to me.

 

[Fidelia]

Aw pyramid - I realize that I was not being so tactful either! I myself am a night owl and I understand that there are many reasons for some of what Sketchy mentioned. I'm just suggesting that in his mum's eyes, this is how it may look and he may have more luck if he weighs all of that out first...

 

[highlander]

You could try buying headphones. Some of the more expensive ones have wonderful bass and sometimes sound canceling.

They can get uncomfortable after wearing for too long, but the sound quality is much better than with ear buds (at least IMO).

She hates your music and thinks it is corrupting your mind and your soul. It's your mother and you won't be living there much longer. Suck it up, buy some good noise canceling headphones, and do your best to appreciate her for all of the good things.

Yeah, it's unfair. Yeah, you're old enough not to be treated that way any more. Mothers sometimes have a habit of acting in this odd fashion however.

 

[heart]

it's reasonable for you to wear headphones. You are being inconsiderate of the other people who share your living space. I wear headphones all the time here when my husband is home. I have never noticed any loss of musical enjoyment.

Her taste in music or anything else has no bearing on the issue.

It's reasonable for you to expect her to knock before entering your room. She's not giving you healthy boundaries.

 

[highlander]

Your mother is much more likely to treat you as an adult if you display characteristics that indicate adult responsibility and outlook:

- Sleeping/waking at regular hours so that you are prepared to go to work or be productive during the day.

- Contributing to the general atmosphere of the house and thoughtfully considering the needs and wants of the people you live with.

- Supporting yourself and either working or studying (not looking for work or deciding what you may sometime study).

- Taking responsibility for bad behaviour. When your failures are attributed to outside circumstances (even if those were contributing factors) it takes away your credibility to others.

- Showing that you can effectively manage yours/other's money.

- Cleaning up after yourself and contributing to household tasks that need to be done.

- Recognizing the things that you do have to be thankful for.

- Not spending your spare time in your bedroom masturbating. And if you need a lock, be proactive and buy/install one yourself.

That sounds a little harsh, but age is not what makes you an adult, or a man. The more responsibility and thoughtfulness you show, the more likely it is that others will find it less needful to check up on you or doubt your level of trustworthiness. You are 19, which is not that far past childhood to begin with. Your first venture has resulted in you quitting your job (blaming it on your messed up boss), misspending the money you made, and complaining that your mom won't let you listen to your music the way you want to whenever you want to. You right now are not even able to be in charge of your own moods/contentment/happiness. And if you want to wack off, has it not occurred to you that the bathroom has a locking door?

While it might be nice to have her be less intrusive, you have chosen to live there, my guess is that you are not paying rent, and it is her home. Therefore she and your dad have the right to decide what kind of environment that they would like in it.

And I agree with all of these things too.

 

[heart]

I agree with what Fidella says except the part about the bedroom door. No matter what a person does in their room, after a certain age a person has a right to expect a certain level of privacy. This is not about being "adult." Children entering puberty have a right to expect privacy in their rooms and in the bathroom. Otherwise it's not healthy.

If course in his situation, he may just have to get a lock. But the truth is, he really should have to. But that's life. That's why people grow up and leave home.

 

[Fidelia]

I agree that everyone should be accorded some privacy. Knocking is generally considered a reasonable expectation for anyone. Even with children who haven't entered puberty, it is only polite to knock before entering their space.

I'm just saying that he should consider the fact that most adults don't spend hours and hours in their bedroom with the door shut, without being available in some sense to the other members of the household and if they are truly worried about being walked in on, they usually would move to a location with a door that locks or install a lock.

 

[heart]

I agree that everyone should be accorded some privacy. Knocking is generally considered a reasonable expectation for anyone. Even with children who haven't entered puberty, it is only polite to knock before entering their space.

Yes, I said it wrongly. Children as they age and learn to dress and take care of their own hygiene needs should gain greater and greater levels of privacy. It's not a matter of politeness though. it's a matter of keeping healthy boundaries. Some even consider a lack of privacy for growing children as a form of covert sexual abuse.

 

[Fidelia]

Of course! I also would never advocate just walking into someone's room if the door was shut, as that is an indicator that the person needs privacy. On the other hand, there aren't very many reasons (unless the relationship between people is quite bad) that there would be necessity for hours and hours of uninterrupted privacy. Dressing and caring for hygiene don't usually take that long. Parents (or even married couples sharing the dwelling) usually plan to be intimate only when they are fairly sure they wouldn't be walked in on, would use a lock on the door, or wait till other people are away or asleep. I would think the same principles might apply to a single adult who wants to masturbate.

My best guess is that the issue here has more to do with his mum being concerned about why he seems depressed/irritable and seems to need (in her eyes) an inordinately large amount of time alone. His defensiveness may make her concerned that he is either doing something wrong or harmful to himself. I agree this is not a great way to express her fears, but I think they are more likely fears than maliciousness.

 

[highlander]

Maybe a compromise - I'll stop playing that music if you agree to knock on the door before coming in.

 

[heart]

Of course! I also would never advocate just walking into someone's room if the door was shut, as that is an indicator that the person needs privacy. On the other hand, there aren't very many reasons (unless the relationship between people is quite bad) that there would be necessity for hours and hours of uninterrupted privacy.

A person has a right to as much privacy as they wish. It isn't just about sexuality. He's an artist, maybe he needs to use music to slip into creative trance and it's disruptive to him to be interupted? He's wrong to inflict his music on others but not wrong to want to spend hours alone in his room.

Dressing and caring for hygiene don't usually take that long. Parents (or even married couples sharing the dwelling) usually plan to be intimate only when they are fairly sure they wouldn't be walked in on, would use a lock on the door, or wait till other people are away or asleep. I would think the same principles might apply to a single adult who wants to masturbate.

If I am sharing my living space with other adults and my door is shut I expect someone to knock first. If I have my own bedroom, I don't think I need to wait for dark or until someone decides to leave to be sexual behind my own closed door. This idea that one must wait for others to be asleep or gone is foreign to me as a married person.

Anyone who cannot accept that a closed door means privacy is expected has issues with being invasive.

it isn't just about sex. I have to have time alone or I feel drained. I can be in the same room with my husband for long periods of time in shared quiet time but I can't do this with other people. If I had to live with someone else and they couldn't let me have time alone in my room, and yes that's hours of alone time, I'd go insane.

My best guess is that the issue here has more to do with his mum being concerned about why he seems depressed/irritable and seems to need (in her eyes) an inordinately large amount of time alone. His defensiveness may make her concerned that he is either doing something wrong or harmful to himself. I agree this is not a great way to express her fears, but I think they are more likely fears than maliciousness.

Her way of showing her concern is controlling and invasive. if she has issues with how he is spending his time and running his life, she ought to be upfront and speak up instead of using passive aggressive ways to insert herself into his private time.

it's a bad economy. He's completing his degree. It isn't like he's totally shutting down in his life.

 

[BlueFlame]

Maybe a compromise - I'll stop playing that music if you agree to knock on the door before coming in.

Thiat could actually be a good idea. I think both mother AND son could use a healthy dose of boundary control. Mother keeps barging in even though son has asked her repeatedly to stop because of a reason I'm sure she's decided is valid, and son keeps blaring music even though his mother constantly asks him to stop...and he's convinced that he has a valid reason.

Ah, the joys of wrestling with yourself, incarnate.