[ENFJ] ENFJs and Neurotic Parents

[Thessaly]

Is it me or is there an obsessive compulsive parent/team of parents behind every ENFJ? I swear the moment I meet the parents I'm like "ooOOOoo that's why." I've yet to meet an ENFJ whose parents weren't even more accomplished and more anal about achievement/perfection than their offspring.

Or perhaps because ENFJs are so keen for approval they just end up mimicking this behavior?

ENFJs illuminate me....

 

[Unkindloving]

Upon meeting my parents, people just deduce why i can be so eccentric or irritable at times.

Neither has accomplished a ton. They definitely care about certain things more than i do, especially my Mom, but i feel like their nature has shaped me into someone who doesn't really put forth too much.
They are both soft-hearted and give a lot of their time and sanity to the people they know and see a lot of damage from it. I've watched this and made notes for myself, but they really aren't too crazy. I've become far more laid back than most people i know due to it.

My Mom may be ENFJ, as well. I'm not too sure. Neurotic, but not a perfectionist

 

[JoSunshine]

I swear the moment I meet the parents I'm like "ooOOOoo that's why."

That's why what?

 

[Thessaly]

That's why what?

ENFJs always give me the vibe of being unnaturally anxious either because they dwell on past relationships, are too critical of their present circumstances or are looking for ways to overwhelm themselves in the future. Sometimes I just wanna hold them against a wall and say BREATHE for the love of god BREATHE. Living in the moment is something I think they need to do more often.

 

[JoSunshine]

ENFJs always give me the vibe of being unnaturally anxious either because they dwell on past relationships, are too critical of their present circumstances or are looking for ways to overwhelm themselves in the future. Sometimes I just wanna hold them against a wall and say BREATHE for the love of god BREATHE. Living in the moment is something I think they need to do more often.

Well, I wouldn't say I'm overly anxious in everyday circumstances, although I am prone to the occasional melt down and I definitely have a tendancy to ruminate. I can definitely work on living more in the moment.

To answer your question...yep my parents are nuts...love 'em, but they are definitely control freaks and all-around "cooky". There is a right and wrong way to do everything and they are all about results, perfection and control for sure (ESTJ dad, ISxJ mom). I know for sure growing up in that environment had a profound impact on me.

 

[Tycho]

But would any ENFJ regret being an ENFJ, for that reason? I guess its another way of being "cut off" from parental warmth. But achieving things and having a wall of energy and positivity wrapped thightly around her, wherever she goes, does seem to work for the ENFJ type 7 that I know. She seems to derive a genuine satisfaction from doing that. If you figure out that you work that way, and you surround yourself with the right people, that show you the appreciation that you longed to receive from your parents, life can't be that hard anymore.

 

[BlueFlame]

Well...
I don't think *OCD* is the word I would use to describe my parents. *Insane* might be a better word. My mother has Bipolar II and the man who pretty much raised me had BPD, so I guess there was a lot of fear that there would be steep consequences for anything other than perfection - and there were. And I do come from a high achievement-focused, status orientated family, hence my enneagram type, I think.
Even when my mom isn't manic or depressed (which is most of the time, thank goodness), she's an ENFP, and her Ne, which serves her well, really had a negative affect on me in a lot of ways. She uses it to scan the horizon for possibilities and pitfalls to avoid on the way to success, and she's almost fearless because of it. But the constant barrage of warnings and cautions just ended up making me even more afraid of failure. Weird how things like that work. I'm not really an anxious person about the small things - but the small things can add up, and the big thing, well - I'm like a tightly wound spring.

And, yes, Thessaly, my friends and family often pin me against walls and force me to BREATHE!

And, Tycho, there are days that I would gladly throw my type into the woods and never look back at it for a moment.

 

[Venom]

the ENFJ type 7

well aside from this person... ...

...it seems that many ENFJs fall into "pleaser" enneagrams:

1s ..."if I can just be perfect..."
2s ..."if im really helpful and needed all the time..."
3s ..."if I can be awesome with achievement..."

All of those sentences COULD be followed by "...then maybe my demanding parents will back off". I could definitely see a "typical" ENFJ creating child hood....

 

[julesyx0]

Perhaps. My mom is an enfj and is quite anxious/critical. Ik her mom was very anxious and might have add. And her dad was very strict and very math-ticious lol. He always got frustrated when she wasn't understanding physics when she wasn't getting it. lol anyway my mom seems quite uptight and will tell me wen Ive done something wrong. She only gives me approval when I do something right. XD. Authoritarian. She isn't sure she's an enfj tho cuz apparently she was over thinking the questions when she took it xD. I'm an infj tho.