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[ENFJ] Obsessive ENFJ, a potential rommmate

Wyst

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So I need to move to a new place in about 3 months. A friend of mine whom I've known for well over a year suggested we get a place together.

This ENFJ has a lot of good traits. He's caring, considerate, organized (at least on his schedule), he's open-minded, and very extroverted - always looking for something to do.

He's a bit awkward though. He's pretty obsessive and will tell me the same story over and over again even though he knows I've heard it. I think he whips himself up into a frenzy sometimes trying to squeeze each last bit of satisfaction out of whatever happened by retelling stories.

I'm not nearly as introverted as I used to be but I know that he's going to want to have people over to our apartment a lot - kinda like how the girls' apartment in Friends was where most of the show happened. This sounds like a fun idea, especially because we have a lot of the same friends.

The only thing that really makes me think twice about it, is the obsessive stuff. I hate stopping someone in the middle of a story to tell them, "We've already been through this twice". Am I too accommodating? Should I just tell him straight up? I don't see how I'll be able to survive with him and keep quiet about it...
 

StephMC

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Am I too accommodating? Should I just tell him straight up? I don't see how I'll be able to survive with him and keep quiet about it...

I don't know how you will either... it sounds potentially disastrous. I keep imagining living with my ENFJ (And O.C.D.) brother that sounds just like that.... *Shudder* I'm sure y'all get along great, but in my experience, ENFJ (males at least) tend to be better living off with equally extroverted people. They practically live for entertaining and hosting people
 

disregard

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A guy I live with is obsessive in this exact way too (among others). I have to tell him, you've told me already, _____! Always with a generous smile, because he's a sweet guy that can't help it.

For me, it's not really an issue, because it's not like I'm ever in the same room as him for a long time, but this is your friend... so I can imagine it's expected that you'll be around each other often.

You have to listen to how much you are willing to take, because if confronting it doesn't work, then you should rethink moving in with him (if it's a big deal to you).
 

21%

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I think there are people who aren't aware they are retelling stories and people who enjoy retelling stories anyway even when they know it's annoying you. Maybe you could try pointing it out to him (indirectly) by saying something like "Oh, it's the time when you _______ that you told me about the other day, right?". I know it spoils his fun a little bit, but otherwise he might not know you've already heard it.
 

BlueFlame

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So I need to move to a new place in about 3 months. A friend of mine whom I've known for well over a year suggested we get a place together.

This ENFJ has a lot of good traits. He's caring, considerate, organized (at least on his schedule), he's open-minded, and very extroverted - always looking for something to do.

He's a bit awkward though. He's pretty obsessive and will tell me the same story over and over again even though he knows I've heard it. I think he whips himself up into a frenzy sometimes trying to squeeze each last bit of satisfaction out of whatever happened by retelling stories.

I'm not nearly as introverted as I used to be but I know that he's going to want to have people over to our apartment a lot - kinda like how the girls' apartment in Friends was where most of the show happened. This sounds like a fun idea, especially because we have a lot of the same friends.

The only thing that really makes me think twice about it, is the obsessive stuff. I hate stopping someone in the middle of a story to tell them, "We've already been through this twice". Am I too accommodating? Should I just tell him straight up? I don't see how I'll be able to survive with him and keep quiet about it...

I thought I was in for a much juicersl story than repeat story-telling!
What do you normally do when someone repeats a story?
I normally jump in enthusiastically with an *Oh my gosh, I know you TOLD me' and make a comment about the story that leads into a conversation ABOUT it instead of a repeat. Yes, I'm clearly cutting the person off, but people don't seem to mind as long as I continue talking about them. Big shock, eh?
 

TopherRed

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Yeah, that sounds weird. In fact, "weird" is the definition of all socially mal-adjusted ENFJs. It's kind of a forceful, 'let me entertain/help you vibe'. Not fun at all for the people surrounding him, and even a little scary.

I'd say, that if he doesn't shut off when you explain that you've been through it already, then you need to not move in with him. He's not ready for friends. He needs to sit in self-pity for awhile wondering why people 'hate' him so much (as nobody sticks around) before he turns the Fe-knife inward and starts surgically removing the negative aspects about himself. It's a long road. Ironically, his eventual independence from people will bring about what he desires most; unrequited love from others who genuinely care about him and what happens to him. He won't be repeating stories then, he'll just be grateful to have real friends.
 

BlackCat

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I dunno... you both prefer J so living with him shouldn't be all that bad.

But, one thing to keep in mind about ANYONE living with you... establish boundaries very early. I need a lot of time alone, and I really don't like talking to the people I'm living with constantly (an hour or two over a meal is fine, but I don't want to be constantly bugged). An ENFP was living with me back in NC and she just wouldn't stop talking... so I had to lay some rules out. Then she just talked to herself. :p
 

luminous beam

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So I need to move to a new place in about 3 months. A friend of mine whom I've known for well over a year suggested we get a place together.

This ENFJ has a lot of good traits. He's caring, considerate, organized (at least on his schedule), he's open-minded, and very extroverted - always looking for something to do.

He's a bit awkward though. He's pretty obsessive and will tell me the same story over and over again even though he knows I've heard it. I think he whips himself up into a frenzy sometimes trying to squeeze each last bit of satisfaction out of whatever happened by retelling stories.

I'm not nearly as introverted as I used to be but I know that he's going to want to have people over to our apartment a lot - kinda like how the girls' apartment in Friends was where most of the show happened. This sounds like a fun idea, especially because we have a lot of the same friends.

The only thing that really makes me think twice about it, is the obsessive stuff. I hate stopping someone in the middle of a story to tell them, "We've already been through this twice". Am I too accommodating? Should I just tell him straight up? I don't see how I'll be able to survive with him and keep quiet about it...

you think you're being acomodating, but you're really not. because in the end, if his behavior drives you crazy and he's got no real notion to stop, you will end up snapping and blowing up in his face. i think you should just tell him straight up, perhaps not in these same words but something like this "dude, you told me this story like 5 times already! lol i love you and all but if i hear that story one more time i think i'll stab my earsdrums with a pair of scissors!" lol and then encourage him to tell you a story you haven't heard yet. yes, awkward i suppose, but if you can't beat them, join them. he might get butt hurt, but he'll prob be self conscious enough to stop himself before telling you any story to make sure you haven't heard it yet. and if he's really that extroverted and charming or whatever, eventually you'll get back to the place where you two will be ok again.

hm maybe also come up w/a punishment, like a jar he will fill with a quarter every time he tells you a repeat story lol
 

jenocyde

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Ooooh, listen to Fuzz and BC.

I have a lot of the "weird" ENFJ males in my life and all of them are exactly the same. Great, fun loving and warm. But at the same time obsessive, almost OCD and AD(H)D - don't know what it's called anymore - and totally un-selfaware.

It's funny though, each one of them will swear up and down that he's an introvert while he has yet another person "stopping by". Totally un-selfaware.

An ENFJ guy lived with me for a while and at most points, I would have to hide away in my bedroom for hours just to get him to stfu for a few seconds. I would literally be afraid to dash to the bathroom, in case he would see me and "hello" would turn into the same old song and dance. Either he's telling me something I already know, or asking for advice that he won't take - that's if he can even stay focused enough to hear the answer before trailing off to another subject.

I am not one who gets rattled by confrontation, so I had no problem telling him to stfu point blank at times when my brain wasn't occupied with other things. At first, it would lead to his horrible temper, but after a while, he just saw it as being "grumpy old jenocyde" and stopped taking me seriously, and started up again.

Honestly, if this was the only issue, it wouldn't have been that much of an issue but it was coupled with so many other things that I had to cut into him. Hard. A few times. He vanished for a few months and came back the nicest, sweetest person I have ever met in all my life. He still gets a little long winded and repetitive, but I enjoy it now. He's just "silly old ENFJ" to me.

Extroverts, in general, don't spend a lot of time introverting. Sometimes one needs to hit a brick wall of truth before they can really see themselves. If you're not up for dealing with all of that, don't move in together.
 

Qre:us

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The only thing that really makes me think twice about it, is the obsessive stuff. I hate stopping someone in the middle of a story to tell them, "We've already been through this twice". Am I too accommodating? Should I just tell him straight up? I don't see how I'll be able to survive with him and keep quiet about it...

When people do that to me, rather than saying I already heard it, I give evidence that I've already heard it - like beating them to the punchline, conclusion, overarching sentiment, of the story. Slide it in when he's taking a little pause while recalling his story.

"So, guess what, the other day I was at the grocery store, and while standing in line...."

"The cashier flirted with you, didn't she?"

"Um...yeah, you heard this before, eh?"

*sheepish grin*
 

jenocyde

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When people do that to me, rather than saying I already heard it, I give evidence that I've already heard it - like beating them to the punchline, conclusion, overarching sentiment, of the story.

Hahaha, I do that too.

Drives them nuts.
 

Wyst

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Wyst, what kind of stuff does he repeat?

Usually some girl. Lot's of it is - what he emailed her, why he thinks it was received well, what she said next, and blah blah blah.

The way he talks about it - it's like his way of convincing himself that things are ok and will go well for him. It's a weird roundabout way of seeking validation but it seems like he needs some external outlet if he's going to be able to convince himself.
 

BlackCat

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One thing that I had a hard time with, when living with friends, is separating friendship from living together. Those two are very different things... I know it sounds redundant (I thought it did too) but it's important to know. When I was living with one of my INTP good friends, I learned this very quickly. It's a step up from just hanging out with the person; now you have to deal with their bad habits in the house and living style etc. What ended up happening for me was in the house we did our own thing, and then one of us would spontaneously want to go out and do something or play video games together. I think what I'm trying to say is, be sure that you and him are aware that the way you will be when living with them is different from how you are when hanging out with them. Because with the way it's sounding, you will get annoyed at his antics very quickly.
 

Wyst

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I thought I was in for a much juicersl story than repeat story-telling!
What do you normally do when someone repeats a story?
I normally jump in enthusiastically with an *Oh my gosh, I know you TOLD me' and make a comment about the story that leads into a conversation ABOUT it instead of a repeat. Yes, I'm clearly cutting the person off, but people don't seem to mind as long as I continue talking about them. Big shock, eh?

Wow - that's a great way of stopping the repeat story but not totally crushing him either. I like that.

I dunno... you both prefer J so living with him shouldn't be all that bad.

But, one thing to keep in mind about ANYONE living with you... establish boundaries very early. I need a lot of time alone, and I really don't like talking to the people I'm living with constantly (an hour or two over a meal is fine, but I don't want to be constantly bugged). An ENFP was living with me back in NC and she just wouldn't stop talking... so I had to lay some rules out. Then she just talked to herself. :p

Oh.. there WILL be boundaries if we live together.

you think you're being acomodating, but you're really not. because in the end, if his behavior drives you crazy and he's got no real notion to stop, you will end up snapping and blowing up in his face. i think you should just tell him straight up, perhaps not in these same words but something like this "dude, you told me this story like 5 times already! lol i love you and all but if i hear that story one more time i think i'll stab my earsdrums with a pair of scissors!" lol and then encourage him to tell you a story you haven't heard yet. yes, awkward i suppose, but if you can't beat them, join them. he might get butt hurt, but he'll prob be self conscious enough to stop himself before telling you any story to make sure you haven't heard it yet. and if he's really that extroverted and charming or whatever, eventually you'll get back to the place where you two will be ok again.

hm maybe also come up w/a punishment, like a jar he will fill with a quarter every time he tells you a repeat story lol


Lol! Nice.

Thanks everyone for the great input. I think I'll just have a serious convo with him and say, 'look dude, I'd like to live with you but I'm afraid living with you may ruin our friendship, which I don't to happen. In order for our friendship to survive rooming together here are a couple of things I think we need to talk about before rooming together..." and then go through them.
 

proteanmix

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Well I'm going to interject my twopence here.

I repeat stories and I know I do. I don't repeat things like "the time I..." "Me and my friends did..." Which is why I want to know the content of what Wyst's friend tends to repeat. When I have people repeat stories or instances, I think are they trying to convey something to me that they haven't completely worked out themselves? If wyst's says 'obsessively' I still need to know what this person is obsessive over. If it's a person who generally just likes to hear themselves talk, it's a confirmed pattern of behavior then I'm on board with beating them to the punch.

I must admit, this thread is making me self-conscious. I have very specific people I do this to, even more specifically IxFJs who have a higher tolerance for my Fe natural behaviors than others do--as I do theirs. I trust these people, I ask directly "is now a good time?" but usually being IxFJs they'll say it's a good time whether or not it's really good time, but if they say it's not I bounce. I still check out receptiveness through other measures. I think I have a pretty good system for checks and balances in place: I bring things up during casual times like lunch or coffee breaks, on the ride home from work, and if they seem to be running out of steam for the subject I'll drop it. I also make sure reciprocate for them when they need it because friendship is a two-way street.

I do this for problems or situation I haven't worked out yet or can't make sense of, that I am unsettled about, that I'm not finding a solution for. I verbalize my thoughts and oftentimes they're incomplete because I'm still thinking them out. OUT LOUD. I tend to stroll and meander through my thoughts and they're not very linear at all which also leads to frequent rambling. But like I said, I'd like to think I'm aware of this enough to do it with those (really like three people) who are tolerant. Wyst, perhaps your friend feels like you're tolerant of this and you see it a lot.

I definitely see myself doing this, so if this is insecure and unself-aware I'm not going to duck under the table. But I know why I do it and it's not just to hear myself talk.

Thanks everyone for the great input. I think I'll just have a serious convo with him and say, 'look dude, I'd like to live with you but I'm afraid living with you may ruin our friendship, which I don't to happen. In order for our friendship to survive rooming together here are a couple of things I think we need to talk about before rooming together..." and then go through them.

Good idea, you can't go wrong with this one.
 
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jenocyde

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I totally get that, Protean. As a fellow extrovert, I think aloud too. I normally don't vocalize my personal problems, but I can still identify a bit with what you're saying.

You seem to be totally aware of yourself and aware of others, so you are one step ahead of a lot of us on the evolutionary chain.

It helps me when I know ahead of time if someone just needs to rant or if someone needs me to actively engage and help them. If I find myself repeating the same advice, or hearing the same stories over and over, I walk away feeling used and annoyed. But if it's made clear that someone needs to work something out, the tone changes considerably and I can be a great sounding board.

Part of maturity is realizing what you are doing. The other part of maturity is making allowances for those who don't. So we all have something to learn.
 

proteanmix

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I totally get that, Protean. As a fellow extrovert, I think aloud too. I normally don't vocalize my personal problems, but I can still identify a bit with what you're saying.

You seem to be totally aware of yourself and aware of others, so you are one step ahead of a lot of us on the evolutionary chain.

It helps me when I know ahead of time if someone just needs to rant or if someone needs me to actively engage and help them. If I find myself repeating the same advice, or hearing the same stories over and over, I walk away feeling used and annoyed. But if it's made clear that someone needs to work something out, the tone changes considerably and I can be a great sounding board.

Part of maturity is realizing what you are doing. The other part of maturity is making allowances for those who don't. So we all have something to learn.

True. I don't think my emotional validation thread is getting much steam, but I see this as part and parcel of the fraught concept of validation.

Wyst's friend is concerned about a romantic relationship, and needs to know if he's going in the right direction or not. I have a coworker who tends to be a one-trick pony as far as her concerns about her relationship so I can also understand the annoyance of hearing the same thing over again. I don't consider this person complaining or needing advice...sometimes people are just talking without being pushy nor really being aware of what they're saying or why they're saying it. A non sequitur that doesn't need any comment at all, just a semi-attentive warm body they feel comfortable with.
 

Unkindloving

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:Stands up: My name is Unkindloving and i'm a broken record. :sits back down:

You should have a conversation with him about this. I wouldn't just tell him to hush up or use the 'evidence' tactics. If you sit down with him and inquire about why he has broken record syndrome then perhaps everyone will have a better understanding of it.
I'm pretty aware of mine and will begin stories at times with "I don't know if i've told you this" "Sorry if i've mentioned it" "Stop me if it's familiar" etc or i'll go through a condensed version of the story if i have recent events or thoughts to add to it.

He may have no idea he does this or to what extent. If he does know, at least clarity over what he's looking to gain from it could be useful. It can help tone him down or with having him get to the point.
 
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