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[INFJ] NFJ Temperament Question

Domino

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I would like to ask the other NFJs how they view their tempers and their personal experiences with it. I ask this because I frequently feel, even when I'm calm and rather "Zen", that I've swallowed fire. When I watch other NFJs, I relate to the overmastering drive to help, rescue and connect to people, but also to that weird combustive underconscience that is no more malevolent than real fire, but just as blistering. I want harmony and safety for people, and I also have this war-like pounding in my blood. Rescue and contention: Are the two meant to go together?

I've struggled with feelings of ambivalence over this since I was young, like I *should* be "cool" because that's what was constantly thrown up in my face as the ideal when I was growing up. Even minor displays of emotional reaction were yelled down or considered bad or startling.

I try to ignore or hide it because I can't make it go away. My father, an INFJ, has a very fiery personality, and two other male friends of mine, both INFJs, are the same way. Very intense and combustive by nature (read: not insane, flighty, irrational, malicious or shrill...).

When I see Sidney Poitier, I relate to him strongly. He was/is pretty intense, but not out of control or unreasonable. I don't feel out-of-control or unreasonable either, but I *do* feel that being this naturally ferocious (even when contained) is frowned upon? My twin is very understanding and tries to help me be comfortable with myself.

I'm really DONE with feeling like I have to disown part of me to be acceptable.

I want to hear from other NFJs what it's been like for them. Do you have this same thing? Can you tell me about it/describe it to me?
 

Kyrielle

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Yes. I can try to describe it. I'm protective of certain ideas to the point where it can take people by surprise with the sudden turn from someone who is very calm, cool, and collected to someone who is assertive and passionate about the topic. I also have a tendency to appreciate warrior societies. Not sure what that has to do with anything, but for some reason I really like the idea of a hunter or a warrior being celebrated as a protector and provider. I think it satisfies a part of myself that contains the same mentality as a warrior--a part of myself that doesn't quite mesh with the rest of myself due to its potentially volatile nature. I suppose this is why I always choose classes in video games that satisfy that part of myself (How many times have I played the knight, the hunter, the champion? Too many.)

I suppose it's just a very passionate part of myself that does, as you suggested, burn like a fire (and is impartial and analytical in essence, though it can be tied to and released with emotion). But it's a fire that is kept safely within the boundaries of my cooler, more conscientious self.

Hope that makes sense.
 

runvardh

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So that's why the INFJ I was with a while back would suddenly have 10ft flames coming off her once the doors were closed... :devil:
 

nightning

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I have a temper... it's rarely appears in front of people. Only time that it happens is when something seriously violates other people's rights.... misinterpreting something for personal gain, general brainwashing... that kind of stuff. I think the NFJs in general have this need to defend and protect innocent and ideals.

The fire burning analogy works well for me too. When it hits, it scares me. Although the clear thinking analysis is used while I'm angry. It's fire on the outside with a cool core.
 

Domino

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(*puts Run in an empty cardboard box*)

I've gotten something from everyone's responses so far, and I thank you. Please keep adding to the thoughts presented as they crop up.

My twin said, after reading Protean's post, that she knew I was at least still vaguely myself if I was reacting at all. To her, the moment I stop reacting and go stone cold or silent, she says that's when I stop being me and that's when she gets concerned. If I'm remotely exhibiting a sign of fight or emotion, she says she doesn't fear for me.
 

Atomic Fiend

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I find my displays of anger somewhat funny in a poetic justice sort of way, as when I blow my top, people often don't expect me too, It's usually at some fool who believes he can get away with doing something wrong to me, and expects me to stay in my favored reserved state .

They've obviously never heard the phrase "It's always the quiet one".

The responses to my short but potent burst of anger, are always of shock.

"You've never seemed like that kind of guy."

"In all the years I've known you, you were never like that."

"Wow, bro."

"He's like the Incredible Hulk"

I don't like getting angry.

My response is always the same. "I a pretty lax guy, If someone actually managed to get me angry at them, they probably deserved it."
 

runvardh

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Sorry girls, I was just talking about some of the passion I've seen. It's amazing and at times calls to one to bow down when recieving the more positive end of it.
 

The Third Rider

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Well for the most part I try to hide my emotions and I have a huge amount of selfcontrol even when I am EXTREMELY pissed off. I am not sure who I can keep myself rational all the time. However, this doesn't always help me because I start to feel like my anger/hatred starts to eat me from inside. When someone pisses me off I rather leave the room for a few minutes and gather myself. Onether way that I noticed that I can control my emotions is by going to the gym. Working out kills all of my emotional energy. I guess I try to supress my emotions because I don't always find a use for them.
 

Introverts_Unite!

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I am not entirely sure of your original intention of the Fire question, but for me there is a big difference between righteous indignation on someone else's behalf and out-of-control anger. The latter usually has to do with my own personal blocked goals for my own purposes. But if I'm advocating for someone, it tends to manifest itself as indignant, righteous, in-your-face stubborness ... mother-hennish, if you will.

And lately ... not sure if this is a sign of age/wisdom/hard experience, but it also depends on whether I can change the situation with the indignation. Sometimes that's just a brick wall and everyone ends up bloody and bruised. Sometimes you just have to remove/rescue the individual from the situation.
 

helen

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I don't think I have much of a temper. I have a fairly high tolerance for inconvience, eccentricity, and stupidity and can laugh a lot of things off. But I do get angry sometimes, and it is usually because of someone being really nasty to a person I care about. It can feel quite intense. Sometimes I start shaking, and feel like I'm near tears, and that the world is a horrible place if such injustice can take place in it. The fire analogy works well for me, too.
Basically, I hate to see people being jerks to eachother.

On rarer occasions, I've lost my cool when someone has inadvertantly picked on a pet insecurity of mine. My INTJ brother has a habit of saying jokingly critical things, which I'm generally fine with, but occasionally he's hit on just the wrong topic and I guess he's quite a bit startled when I start screaming at him.

Um. Maybe I do have something of a temper after all. :)
 

wolfmaiden14

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Oh man. We've talked about some of my anger issues already, Pink.

As for a description..hmm..

I don't know. I think everyone has a demon or two in them. Some take it out with power, some manipulation, some self depreciation, some passive aggressive.. perhaps NFJs are just more prone to the explosive violence. Our shadow which would obviously be emerging since we're upset, would be an STP.. an acutely aware(sensing boosted with adrenaline), non-feeling and somewhat irrational being, yes? Definitely sounds like the violent type more than anything.

I agree with several of the things said. Usually, if someone's gotten me THAT angry, they deserve it. It takes a lot (unless I'm already frustrated with something and/or they hit a sore spot) so I give ample warning that you're pissing me off and should drop it before I explode. And it also does feel great to let that side of me show when it does to prove I'm not weak.

What really, really irks me is people who know damn well what is being asked of them, and it's not even any hair off their back to do, and they just deliberately don't do it or play stupid. Like, I love dogs, but when I worked at the kennel I had to fight the urge to massacre the dogs that KNEW I was calling them in from the play yard but would just look me in the eye and then run around and spite me.

I don't know.. it is a bit of a hypocracy, but I don't guilt myself about it, especially since it's under control. We're only human, and let's face it, some people really ask for it. You can't be expected to be a total doormat just because you like helping people. Nor can you be expected to dislike the rush that comes from a self righteous violence as long as you TRY to only use it when necessary. Plus, then it can remind you every now and again what you're capable of, so you remember why you don't act like that in the first place. ..Haha.. here's a theory. You think NFJs are so darn helpful simply because they're afraid of what the world would be like if they weren't?

Rescue and contention: Are the two meant to go together?

Yes. Sometimes it's necessary for rescuing people. Sometimes it's necessary for rescuing yourself. Sometimes it takes that firey beast to tame your other more irrational urges enough to BE calm and collected for other people.

Perhaps the reason it's there is because we hold ourselves to so high a standard, we get vehemently pissed when others can't do the same?

.. I'm sorry. I seem to have given you more questions than answers. :blush:
 

Atomic Fiend

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Haha.. here's a theory. You think NFJs are so darn helpful simply because they're afraid of what the world would be like if they weren't

The first thing that comes to my mind is an oligarchy of fed up INFJs who took over the world using a mix of force and a large group of followers, and rule with what some would consider an iron fist, In place of freedom we take peace. All that oppose wouldn't be eradicated immediately but only if they persisted. The main concern would be if this was the right thing to do, and surely enough an ENTJ would assure us that the world as it was, was in fact inferior the world that is, and that it was the only thing we could do. In an ironic twist of fate the ENTJ would later back stab us and take control of the world.

.....Thats just what I think though.....:blush:
 

spirilis

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The first thing that comes to my mind is an oligarchy of fed up INFJs who took over the world using a mix of force and a large group of followers, and rule with what some would consider an iron fist, In place of freedom we take peace. All that oppose wouldn't be eradicated immediately but only if they persisted. The main concern would be if this was the right thing to do, and surely enough an ENTJ would assure us that the world as it was, was in fact inferior the world that is, and that it was the only thing we could do. In an ironic twist of fate the ENTJ would later back stab us and take control of the world.

.....Thats just what I think though.....:blush:
Would you keep a harem of NTs by your side?
 

Domino

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Sorry girls, I was just talking about some of the passion I've seen. It's amazing and at times calls to one to bow down when recieving the more positive end of it.

*pats the kitty*

I love that 10 ft flame feeling myself. And you've struck upon part of what I'm talking about. That consumptive passion that seems to be there whether I'm happy or sad or clinical or filing my nails or even asleep. I don't feel angry, as such. Just like FIRE. I don't know how else to describe it. I seem to engage everything this way by instinct. Something like a wild animal that can't help itself? It's on and running behind the scenes 24/7. This is one of those things that I've felt a need to back away from -- not because I think it's bad but because it doesn't seem to fit the idea of love for most people. I don't know many people who chose to take a tiger on its terms. I wish I was more benign? Is that the word I want?

I've got two modes -- on and off. When I love you, I love you forever. Therefore I resist love. And my nature fights back, driving me toward it. Likewise, when I hate something, the hate is hard to shake off. I have an elephant memory to aide this, for better or worse. I seem to love and hate in a big ball of fire, but it's not irrational or even destructive. It just seems transmuting? One state of being to another?

One of my INFJ friends, when he talks about his cameras, he combusts and smiles and it's intense. When he talks about something that makes him really angry, he combusts and bites his lips and it's intense. The intensity is the constant.


And lately ... not sure if this is a sign of age/wisdom/hard experience, but it also depends on whether I can change the situation with the indignation. Sometimes that's just a brick wall and everyone ends up bloody and bruised. Sometimes you just have to remove/rescue the individual from the situation.

Fascinating! That's not anything I've ever heard before! Can you describe a moment where you used this sort if indignation to force a change?


Well for the most part I try to hide my emotions and I have a huge amount of self-control even when I am EXTREMELY pissed off.

I can relate to this. I feel *everything* with an excruciating vividness, and anger is one I actively avoid because it hurts me physically. Sometimes the tidal wave breaks over me and I just stand there and shake, trying to contain myself.

I exercise every day, myself. I have to -- for psychological and physical reasons.


I find my displays of anger somewhat funny in a poetic justice sort of way, as when I blow my top, people often don't expect me too

Same here. Like I'm going to keep taking slaps without reacting because I've been reining it in. Everyone has their limits though.


"You've never seemed like that kind of guy."

"In all the years I've known you, you were never like that."

"Wow, bro."

"He's like the Incredible Hulk"

I don't like getting angry.

My response is always the same. "I a pretty lax guy, If someone actually managed to get me angry at them, they probably deserved it."

I've getting a mental image of you turning green and ripping your shirt!


Yes. I can try to describe it. I'm protective of certain ideas to the point where it can take people by surprise with the sudden turn from someone who is very calm, cool, and collected to someone who is assertive and passionate about the topic.

I do this too. I'm moderately extroverted (meaning I enjoy company, but need a LOT of recharge time every day, alone) and I *still* manage to turn on a dime when I'm caught up in a thought process and take people around off guard. I've really had to work on that, make myself conscious of my moods and thoughts so I can make others aware of what's happening and even to stop any cascade before it starts.

I suppose it's just a very passionate part of myself that does, as you suggested, burn like a fire (and is impartial and analytical in essence, though it can be tied to and released with emotion). But it's a fire that is kept safely within the boundaries of my cooler, more conscientious self.

Hope that makes sense.

Perfect sense. Thank you for sharing.

I have a temper... it's rarely appears in front of people. Only time that it happens is when something seriously violates other people's rights.... misinterpreting something for personal gain, general brainwashing... that kind of stuff. I think the NFJs in general have this need to defend and protect innocent and ideals.

You've just described things that personally enrage me.


The fire burning analogy works well for me too. When it hits, it scares me. Although the clear thinking analysis is used while I'm angry. It's fire on the outside with a cool core.

I like the way you put this. Sometimes I see it as a "thinking fire" or sentient fire, that's not unreasonable but just as combustive as anger, regardless of mood or mindset.


I don't think I have much of a temper. I have a fairly high tolerance for inconvience, eccentricity, and stupidity and can laugh a lot of things off. But I do get angry sometimes, and it is usually because of someone being really nasty to a person I care about. It can feel quite intense. Sometimes I start shaking, and feel like I'm near tears, and that the world is a horrible place if such injustice can take place in it. The fire analogy works well for me, too.
Basically, I hate to see people being jerks to eachother.

You and me both, Helen! I'd take on 20 people to protect my sister. And I feel an urge just as strong when I see weak or maligned people suffering under some terrible weight they can't shift. Like children dying of hunger -- that sends me though the roof. My mother changes the channel before I even get a chance to see it. With me, once something has happened, it's like trying to unring a bell. You can't. I saw it. I heard it. It's already going into me. I do everything in my power to avoid unhealthy situations too, because they go into me like poison.



Some take it out with power, some manipulation, some self depreciation, some passive aggressive.. perhaps NFJs are just more prone to the explosive violence. Our shadow which would obviously be emerging since we're upset, would be an STP.. an acutely aware(sensing boosted with adrenaline), non-feeling and somewhat irrational being, yes? Definitely sounds like the violent type more than anything.

That's an extraordinary thought. THANK YOU for sharing that! I never once brought the STP shadow into my realm of thought. Maybe that's part of it. It would make sense to me. Funny -- in the times when I've finally been pushed to the point of snapping and gone over a table after someone, it's the STPs in the room who never look freaked out. My best friend was an ISTP and he'd calmly peel me off the ceiling, as if what had just happened was going to be okay and I was okay and we were going to go quietly eat tacos, dear, until you get your claws back in and your fur laid down...

I agree with several of the things said. Usually, if someone's gotten me THAT angry, they deserve it. It takes a lot (unless I'm already frustrated with something and/or they hit a sore spot) so I give ample warning that you're pissing me off and should drop it before I explode. And it also does feel great to let that side of me show when it does to prove I'm not weak.

This is something that makes me feel helpless. When I'm being pushed beyond endurance. I feel the emotion rising in me and even if I can contain it, I know it's going to shred me unless I can get it back out. Problem is, I can't get it back out fast enough to stop physical illness from setting in. Bad mojo just JAMS in me. It's an injustice issue, no doubt. I hate being drawn into a bad thought or bad dark place because it sticks to me for days.
 

Domino

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Just so everyone knows -- this isn't strictly about an anger response. It's the whole sensation. I frequently get this fired up and combustive when encountering someone who hits all the right spots in my brain. It can be positive too. What I'd like to focus on is the authentic intensity of NFJs (if you relate to this or if you don't) and to the primal responses we seem to have to things/stimulus/situations.
 

Domino

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I also have a tendency to appreciate warrior societies. Not sure what that has to do with anything, but for some reason I really like the idea of a hunter or a warrior being celebrated as a protector and provider. I think it satisfies a part of myself that contains the same mentality as a warrior--a part of myself that doesn't quite mesh with the rest of myself due to its potentially volatile nature. I suppose this is why I always choose classes in video games that satisfy that part of myself (How many times have I played the knight, the hunter, the champion? Too many.)

Your inner NFJ Aragorn archetype asserting itself, perhaps?
 

runvardh

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I still miss that girl, someone else broke her though after she went home :cry:
 

runvardh

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There, there, darling... we'll find you another... :( :hug:

She'll be in good hands, or at least the best I can summon up. But yeah, 10ft high flames of OMG :drool: :worthy: :puppy_dog_eyes: :wubbie: :heart:

It does things to me that turns kitty almost slave-like :cry:

Please don't take this as an offense :sorry:
 

Theory

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Amen to absolutely everything that has been said. It's all me, all of it... especially the burning passion/flame analogy. It's weird, because I can even get passionate about the mundane things of life, and you know, maybe that's why ENFJs in particular burn out quicker than other extroverted types (or at least that's how it is with me).

Another interesting thing that someone pointed out was the deep love for heroism and ideals that NFJs possess. It might not go for all of us, but I can definitely relate to that. That's the one thing that gets me passionately angry faster than anything else -- when I feel that someone's humanity or rights are being violated in some way, or when my values and beliefs are being infringed. And I love the idea of fighting for those things... I feel like those battles are justified and noble and should be fought with enthusiasm (again with the passion). And for some reason I've also always been fascinated by battles and warrior societies. I'm the one girl in my family who absolutely loves watching war movies and long battle scenes (if they're done well). Granted, I usually go for the historical ones, simply because I find the tactics more interesting, but either way.

I hope that all made sense...
 
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