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[NF] What causes NF to drop ppl?

SUPER

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?


to me (and possibly other NTs) once you're in...... you're in. Always keep my options open and never really drop ppl (unless there's a really good reason to). I might fade away or lose touch for awhile, but with NFs its like a switch is flicked and suddenly they dont want to talk to you anymore. Like one day they're pushing themself on you and the next day you're strangers.
 

BlueSprout

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?


to me (and possibly other NTs) once you're in...... you're in. Always keep my options open and never really drop ppl (unless there's a really good reason to). I might fade away or lose touch for awhile, but with NFs its like a switch is flicked and suddenly they dont want to talk to you anymore. Like one day they're pushing themself on you and the next day you're strangers.

I'm sorry that has happened to you - on multiple occasions no less. What kinds of NFs have dropped you? An ENFJ may have very different reasons for dropping you than an INFP would. Could you explain more about how they drop you too? For instance, how do you become a "stranger" to them? Do they rebuff you when you try to connect, or do they just stop making as much of an effort to connect with you? With a little more info, it will be easier to help you better understand why the NFs in your life might be acting the way they are.
 

Synapse

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I would say J's in general have a stronger urge to reshuffle and are more what's the word savvy in their delineations of who they feel comfortable with than P's who tend to clutter their open ended acceptance a lot longer. This might be going from personal growth vs possibility. how much change is there vs how much potential is there. how much have I gained vs how much haven't I gained. Really depends on an individualistic and or personal level. letting go is harsh hashish, start smoking some. :newwink:
 

SUPER

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An ENFJ may have very different reasons for dropping you than an INFP would.

Elaborate please




Could you explain more about how they drop you too? For instance, how do you become a "stranger" to them?

I told NF I didn't want a relationship because I have to get my own life sorted out (which is true). Told NF that I didn't think things would work out between us. Said I still liked NF though and cared about her. Kinda hinted that I just wanted a booty call *shrug*. We "made up" after a fight and then things were supposedly fine. Few days later NF said pretty much the same thing I did, doesn't want to be in a relationship because NFs life is messed up too. We broke up. Also said she still liked me but didnt want to waste time if 'things wouldn't work out'. NF said she wanted to be friends (doesnt everyone say that? lol) and I was like alright cool. TBH I think NF wouldve been better as a friend than GF any way so I was cool with that. Continued below..........................

Do they rebuff you when you try to connect, or do they just stop making as much of an effort to connect with you?

Yes to no effort to connect. I've made a couple efforts to connect and we talked a bit online but it felt forced on NFs behalf. Like NF was just doing it to be nice lol. So I'm not gonna talk to said NF any more unless she initiates it.

It's not a big deal to me as it was never really serious to me. I find it more intriguing than anything.... How before I said certain things NF was basically inviting herself to my house, asking me to go out, etc - and then a few days later NF doesn't want to talk at all. ie. both on messenger at same time and NF doesnt say hi or anything. :boohoo:



EDIT: Think I figured it out on my own from reading my own post. Cause it happened before with another NF. We were friends. Both liked each other and it was obvious. I never made a move on her because I was young and liked a lot of other girls at the same time. Any ways she went on long enough with the friendship until she really saw that nothing more than friendship was happening. Then she dropped me as a friend because I didnt do the relationship thing with her.

My point - NF's use guys for relationships. Once they see I;m not into the whole relationship thing, they drop me as a friend. I'm like :doh: just because things wouldnt work out that way, does that mean we cant talk anymore


NF's are users.
 

Amargith

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I'm sorry for what you experienced :hug:

I also am amused to see that the thing men complain about, aka, 'are we going to get laid?/dating?' and they blame women for not picking up on, has been reversed here. We had a bunch of threads on how men expected sex/relationships from women and women just wanted to start out with friendship, with the whole friendzoning-thing following that. This isn't personally aimed at you, but when men want to get into the girls pants and she friendzones him, she's being cruel and/or ignorant and 'using' him emotionally. When an NF female does the opposite...she's 'using' you as well? How can we win???
 

JoSunshine

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There can be a lot of different reasons, but the two reasons that come to mind as "likely":

NFs usually have a strong value system. If someone does something that threatens that value system, it is possible that person can get a "bad" label slapped on them...causing the NF to withdraw.

Many NFs have issues with feeling like we are being "taken for granted" and are "unappreciated" but often have difficulty verbalizing that (directly) since we tend to avoid conflict so we withdraw to avoid the hurt feelings.

^Neither of those things is really fair. People deserve and explanation and an opportunity to succeed in making us happy or to at least express their perspective instead of walking around scratching their heads going, "What'd I do? What happened?" I personally try not to put people in that situation...but I do have to try...expressing my needs and hurt feelings is not the most natural thing in the world for me.


Edit: Where did you get that picture of me Super? I could have sworn I got rid of all the copies :)
 

Fidelia

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Yeah, I think it probably had more to do with how they felt with the arrangement that you came up with which they seemingly didn't even have input into. No one really wants to hear, "You're sure not the girl of my dreams and I don't want to date you though you clearly like me, but I'd still like to have sex with you while keeping my options open."

Yep, sounds like a user to me...
 

Prime

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Part of it may have to do with expectations. A booty call to a girl who may want a relationship could offend her. Depending on the complete temperament, it may be best to just move on. But remember next time you're in a situation with an NF -- if things end because you just "want to be friends," you probably will not be friends for very long.
 

Ivy

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LOL. Yeah, especially when some guy wants to relegate us to Booty Call status. :rolli:

Yeah, I think it probably had more to do with how they felt with the arrangement that you came up with which they seemingly didn't even have input into. No one really wants to hear, "You're sure not the girl of my dreams and I don't want to date you though you clearly like me, but I'd still like to have sex with you while keeping my options open."

Yep, sounds like a user to me...

I'm with the NFs.
 

Lurker

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I told NF I didn't want a relationship because I have to get my own life sorted out (which is true). Told NF that I didn't think things would work out between us. Said I still liked NF though and cared about her. Kinda hinted that I just wanted a booty call *shrug*. We "made up" after a fight and then things were supposedly fine. Few days later NF said pretty much the same thing I did, doesn't want to be in a relationship because NFs life is messed up too. We broke up. Also said she still liked me but didnt want to waste time if 'things wouldn't work out'. NF said she wanted to be friends (doesnt everyone say that? lol) and I was like alright cool. TBH I think NF wouldve been better as a friend than GF any way so I was cool with that. Continued below..........................



Yes to no effort to connect. I've made a couple efforts to connect and we talked a bit online but it felt forced on NFs behalf. Like NF was just doing it to be nice lol. So I'm not gonna talk to said NF any more unless she initiates it.

It's not a big deal to me as it was never really serious to me. I find it more intriguing than anything.... How before I said certain things NF was basically inviting herself to my house, asking me to go out, etc - and then a few days later NF doesn't want to talk at all. ie. both on messenger at same time and NF doesnt say hi or anything. :boohoo:



EDIT: Think I figured it out on my own from reading my own post. Cause it happened before with another NF. We were friends. Both liked each other and it was obvious. I never made a move on her because I was young and liked a lot of other girls at the same time. Any ways she went on long enough with the friendship until she really saw that nothing more than friendship was happening. Then she dropped me as a friend because I didnt do the relationship thing with her.

My point - NF's use guys for relationships. Once they see I;m not into the whole relationship thing, they drop me as a friend. I'm like :doh: just because things wouldnt work out that way, does that mean we cant talk anymore


NF's are users.

You're clueless and arrogant.

Anyway, I think you may be dropped by countless girls (of many types!) for a long time. Good luck on figuring out the problem!
 
G

garbage

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I'm finding it difficult to not be snarky.. the only things holding me back are that others have already covered that ground and that I know you're frustrated and confused.

So I'll just say: don't insult the people you want advice from.
 

megm87

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There have been times in relationships where I have been really fighting nail and tooth for things to work out (I am truly the notorious impossible to break up with ENFP who has to make sure every single possibility has been explored before 'giving up' on the relationship) while oddly in the back of my head I almost agree with the other person. It's like I know one day things will probably not work out because I foresee the problems that will develop/the ones already present getting worse but I haven't exhausted my Ne curiosity about how the relationship will play out. It's like even if I see the train heading for the cliff I have to stay on just to see how it will land. It's infuriating for me and I'm sure for the guys I've dated. Anyway, sometimes after convincing the guy that we should stay in the relationship and pursue other avenues I start to have this dreaded feeling that we should have just ended then - however, I am glad that I am postponing the inevitable pain. But after awhile (in your NFs case I guess only a few days) I start to feel almost guilty for convincing the other person that we should most definitely stay together when I, too know things won't work out and realize that postponing the pain will only make it worse. I then will tell the person 'well actually I think you were right' or 'I'm really sorry I've been doing some thinking and you had some pretty good points when we were discussing where our relationship is headed last week' etc. How confusing that must be for you guys/gals that come upon us in your relationships! It seems like we want nothing more than to be with you (which is the truth) and that we are fully convinced we can make the relationship work (not so much the truth, just what we want to be the truth and want to convince even ourselves is the truth), and then randomly a short time later come back saying that you were right all along and that we think that the relationship should indeed end (out of seemingly nowhere to the other person involved.) Hope that helped! Other NFs let me know if I am the only crazy one who has suffered from this.
 

megm87

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Oh and PS I agree with the don't insult people you want advice from and also have to say that the NF you were dealing with might have had a suspicion you were trying to take the relationship down the 'booty call' route and thought at first she could do it because she wanted to make things work and then a few days in realized that she couldn't. Gah I can't ever stop with the possibilities!!!! haha
 

Kastor

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Sometimes it just depends on if I'm in the mood to be around that particular person. At least thats been one of my reasons. Other times the person may become annoying to me or I'll come to realize something I don't like about them/they show their true colors.
 

runvardh

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:rofl1::rofl1::rofl1::rofl1::rofl1::rofl1::rofl1:
:rofl1::rofl1::rofl1::rofl1::rofl1::rofl1::rofl1:
:rofl1::rofl1::rofl1::rofl1::rofl1::rofl1::rofl1:
:rofl1::rofl1::rofl1::rofl1::rofl1::rofl1::rofl1:

I needed this laugh.
 
P

Phantonym

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Going with the thread title, others here have addressed the "problem" of the OP already. I can "drop" people when I just don't know how to act around them or talk to them, everything is just so awkward and I don't know how to fix that without it being embarrassing for both parties (or at least that's what I always seem to think). I get into this "what if..." loop, all the different (negative) possibilities start haunting me and although I'd very much like to be friends with that person, it's just easier to stay away. So, I avoid initiating any contact. And when they show no desire to connect either then things just fall apart and stay in this "unknown" limbo. :doh:
 
G

garbage

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Going with the thread title, others here have addressed the "problem" of the OP already. I "drop" people when I ...

Let's repurpose the thread to discuss something along these lines. Please. This terrible, terrible thread can yet be salvaged.

I tend to drop people when it's impossible to maintain the right psychological distance--either they want to be way too close or way too far.
 

BlueSprout

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Elaborate please

An INFP might feel overwhelmed by too many social expectations and drift away from those that were too taxing. An ENFJ (an extravert with dominant Fe) is less likely to simply drift away from friendship without a compelling reason, least of all because he/she was too overwhelmed to deal with social expectations.

Also, what pretty much everyone else said, without any further information to go on, that is. Amargith, Prime and fidelia especially hit the nail on the head.
 
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