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  1. #11
    Aspiring Troens Ridder KLessard's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008


    My mother is an authoritarian ESTJ who planned my life for me before I was born. When she was around 37, she started planning about having a third child and thought she could do for it what she hadn't done for the others since she was so young and inexperienced then. Love equals discipline in her perspective, so I entered the ESTJ Armed Forces at three years of age. My childhood was over. Piano lessons and home schooling began, and learning to do chores around the house as well. I barely had time to play with other children, even if I had very good friends in our neighbourhood. Since all those activities were her own choice and not my own, I never worked at those things with my heart but because I was forced to. The only reward I could have had for my efforts would have been to please my mother and receive encouragement, but since she is very exacting, my performance was never good enough. "You're getting there," was the best compliment, and I ended up feeling defective. My piano teacher was an ISTJ, and just as demanding as my mother. I am highly sensitive to criticism to this day and easily ashamed of myself.

    Since my mother was so different from me and couldn't be my role model because
    a) I couldn't become the opposite of myself
    b) I didn't want to be like her,
    I started looking for female role models at a very early age, offering them the love I couldn't really give to my mother because I didn't feel like she loved me, even if she did in her own way. I am just starting to see and get out of this pattern now.

    Art was an escape for me. I was often grounded because everything I said or did was "rebellious" and spent hours in my bedroom reading, writing and drawing. I was not allowed to talk back, and if I complained, my mother would punish me, so I learned to keep my hurt and disappointment inside, eventually chanelling it into my writing. I still keep quiet when wronged, but often explode with anger later (months or years later, sometimes).

    My father was INFP and a constant comforter in all these trials. I didn't have to say anything. I would just sit with him and cuddle on the couch and feel better.

    My mother has changed now. Her authority and harsh judgment was challenged many times, and she realised she was hurting people more than helping them with this attitude, including me. She also admitted to me that the reason I was so often ill as a child was probably because of all the stress she put on me. I know she has taught me good things as well, but it is difficult for me to look at these and let the hurt fade away because I am still stuck with the consequences in my very being.

  2. #12
    darkened dreams Ravenetta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    4w5 sp/sx


    I experienced some harsh abuse from one adult authority when I was quite young. I think the greatest aspect of its impact was on my older siblings whose emotional scars lasted through life. My scar is having internalized what it feels like to be irrationally and deeply hated. That made me vow to never hate in that way. My immediate family was quite vulnerable. My mother sweet, gentle, and strong enough to figure out how to survive. We moved around every year as my mother was restless, frightened, and trying to work out a better, safer situation for us. I always considered myself strong and worried a great deal about my vulnerable family who moved through life like a pack of little rabbits being gawked at by wolves and hawks around every turn. So many tried to exploit my mother from the car repairman who ripped her off when our old car broke down while traveling, to the child molester who started courting her and later stalked her. Life was dangerous and in one way I was protected by having a kindhearted family, but more often I wanted to be protector.

    A great deal of my life played out variations on the theme of dismissal of all sorts. There were times it almost drove me to the brink of insanity, and other times it made me look inside to understand what actually matters. I consider myself tough in the ways that matter. I think being protector and provider even when your own resources are limited is the greatest show of strength imaginable.

  3. #13
    From the Undertow CuriousFeeling's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    4w5 sp/sx


    Reading these posts from you INFJs... seriously, you guys and girls need a hug.


    “Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings -- always darker, emptier and simpler.”
    ― Friedrich Nietzsche

  4. #14
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007


    High school really confused me, with it esculating to the point where I dropped out of HS some months before graduating. It was the best thing psychologically that I have ever done for myself. It really made me question a lot of things and find some answers to my confusion.

    Family wise, my upbringing was pretty good compared to the majority... I grew up in a big, alternative family and had a fun, creative childhood. I probably would have been pretty depressed if I had grown up in a strict, rigid household, so thanks mummy and daddy

  5. #15
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2010


    I have spent so many countless hours thinking how and why I became who I am. I had a rough childhood, physical abuse, watching my mom slowly succumb to cancer over four years. My dad was an alcoholic and a womanizer, both facts my parents believed they kept from me unfortunately my siblings are 13, 9 and 8 (twins) years older than me, so I knew the score. I could go on but you get the point and please dont judge my parents they were good people and only human, they did the best they could.

    Im pretty sure that between my mom and some stuff that happened to my sisters is the reason why I have great difficulty watching any sort of violence toward women. Seeing that stuff on TV like CSI or something will make me shake and well-up in seconds flat, to put it mildly. I also spent some time on the street and there were a few instances I witnessed some random violence like this, I did not standby.

    However, it is admirable to seek the positive in any situation and make peace with your grievances. When someone looses their sight the other senses become heightened, that is how I explain what I feel and the reason I first started looking into personality types when I was twenty-nine. I believe since I was walking around with eyes in the back of my head for like fifteen years trying to avoid a beating some sort of sixth sense was heightened in me. Precisely the ability to feel others true emotions and at a distance, take it or leave it but at 35 its the only explanation I have left, I refer to empathy manifested. The catch to this is that I live a very secluded life, serious too much contact and I feel like my head is spinning and I really loose focus, its like lucid dreaming.

    Two other positive aspects of my youth which definitely contributed to my character formation were religion and martial arts. My mother raised me Lutheran so I was in bible study till I was confirmed at thirteen. Martial Arts was my escape, I saved for months to join and after I did my Sensei really took me in. After the first year I just trained kids in lieu of paying for it, at thirteen I was a tall boy and quite rough and tumble so I always trained with the adults. Furthermore, beyond the classes my Sensei let me be the guinea pig in his black belt group, so I was there pretty much seven days a week. The training I received was very traditional and it focused as much on the physical and the philosophical, of which a true Martial Artists must understand they are an artist of life.

    This really takes me up to twenty, but in my non-professional opinion, you are still become the person you will be in adulthood for much of your twenties. Certainly all through life we evolve or become stagnant. I met the woman I would marry at twenty; we spent a wonderful ten years together and saw each other through University. Shes an ENFP and I loved her very much, unfortunately in my view of it a Virgo-Leo (me) and a Sagittarius were at odds about half the time. But she saw me through the darkness of my youth and was there beside me with the professionals that helped me understand how to make peace.

    If ever you're hungry you should never feel lonely if God is with you
    If I go, know that I will make a return, give me frankincense
    Myrrh it's ashes in the urn, but learn, life goes on
    -Abstract Rude

  6. #16
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2009


    I'm guessing I'm older than many of the posters here, which tends to give me a different perspective. I used to go through the miserable-childhood-never-lived-up-to-my-potential-because-of-lack-of-real-nurturing thing a lot. That doesn't seem to matter so much anymore -- it's more of a glass-is-half-full, look at how resilient you are, count your blessings attitude now. This is not to dismiss the real suffering that some of the posters on this thread have been through, but more to say that time can have a stronger effect on perspective and attitude than you might expect. I think INFJ's are a much tougher bunch than most people might think because they have so many internal resources.

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