[INFJ] INFJ - a constant search

[Sniffles]

Probably is, I feel that way too but not so much about relationships and people, I guess for INFJs it would be.

What do you usually feel that way about? I'm also curious how secondary Ni tends to play out in this situation.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

What do you usually feel that way about? I'm also curious how secondary Ni tends to play out in this situation.

well this entp doesn't have aux Ni, no? unless he's (she's?sorry) entj.....

 

[Sniffles]

JJ must've changed her type.

 

[JustHer]

I'm no ENTP

peguy - PM on way!

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

JJ must've changed her type.

I'm just going by that little bit o' info below her avvy. You know, the place where you put your 4 letters for type? but i realize i'm missing something.

 

[INTPness]

My thing is that I *have* felt that I have met a few people I've really connected with - really deeply, and really sensed great possibilities as far as longterm romance/relationship goes, but they have never been emotionally available or desirous of exploring that. I guess one could argue they were 'just not that into me' (which is a possibility), but at the same time I *know* they really liked me and cared for me. I don't know if it was fear, or selfishness, or self-protection, or what..any number of reasons. Just has never lined up for me - both people in the same place at the same time, both attracted, similar life goals, etc etc. Ah well. I associate romance/chemistry with bittersweetness. I have it in small doses that don't ever go anywhere.

I obviously don't know the "type" of those you have had connections with, but when I read this, I couldn't help but think, "this could have been me". What I mean is, someone who cares about you deeply, would do just about anything in the world for you, and who you can experience a deep connection with, but who also may seem to be emotionally unavailable - could very well be INTP. Maybe it's an NT thing in general, but I can only really speak as an INTP. If it was someone like me, you should realize that it's not that we "aren't into you". It's just that we don't really know how to "do that". We can be a little bit inept in that area - especially compared to INFJ's. We can care about you tremendously and love connecting with you and talking about deep things, growing together, etc - yet still be very inept with our emotions.

I know for a fact that I would have a great time with most INFJ's. I love reading what you guys write (threads like this make me wonder if I have a little bit of INFJ in me), so I know that I could be a good listener if I were dating an INFJ (can't say that for all types), but I worry about you INFJ's. It seems like if I met one, I could totally be into her and feeling connected etc, etc - but she would take me emotional ineptness as me not being into her - and, like the theme of this thread, she would want to "journey on".

I do believe it's possible (and likely), that two types such as INTP and INFJ could both feel really connected and have a great time together and truly be loyal to each other in heart, mind, and spirit, but that the INFJ might sometimes feel that the INTP wasn't emotionally available. To have all of those other great things, but to also realize that we just don't "do that" (not necessarily because we don't want to, but we sometimes don't know how or aren't good at it) - couldn't the relationship still be really great and meaningful - the type of relationship that INFJ's desire? Or is it like the situation where, "I've finally met the person who has all of the things I'm looking for, but he's too short. I like tall men." And then you've essentially passed up everything you've been looking for because of 1 item.

 

[hokie912]

I do think in recent years I have been able to embrace the moment more, and make the most of things and situations, and not miss opportunities that come up, but I also despair at times because I know, given my personality, that I'm someone who also needs purpose, and something I am moving/aiming towards. I can't just float along, day in and day out -- I need to be heading towards something. And in times when I haven't yet come up with that 'something', I am stressed or unhappy.

I've also realized that every 2-3 years I tend to hit stagnation -- not enough newness in my life, not enough growth, things just become too predictable and repetitive. So I have to then come up with a new 'challenge' or goal or purpose. Maybe 6 years ago I became depressed about this aspect of myself -- I went too far into the future and became incredibly *weary* about the prospect of an entire life - decades - of having to constantly find newness every 2-3 yrs. I just wanted to give up at the thought of decades of this pattern. Well, yeah. I guess I've gotten over a lot of that weariness and being upset about it, and just accepted this aspect of myself that will never change. The acceptance required being able to live more in the present - or try to - and enjoy the small things out of life. And to just try not to take all of it so seriously - treat Life as an Adventure. Try to let go more.

This is really interesting, and I can definitely relate to a lot of it. I feel like I'm lost without some sort of achievable goal to work toward. I'm happy doing what I do now, but I know I won't be for too long because I want something more. I think you're probably right that it's something that settles down eventually, and as overwhelming as it can be, in a lot of ways it's good: you're motivated to do something new, and you won't stagnate the way a lot of people do. It's like a fail-safe against underachievement. But I agree, it's a horrible feeling when you don't know what the next thing is, or, worse, you do know and there's something standing in the way of pursuing it (which has happened to me before). Sometimes it seems like it would be nice to just be content and stay that way...but then, you wouldn't be you. I think that sort of anxiety kind of comes with the INFJ territory.

I obviously don't know the "type" of those you have had connections with, but when I read this, I couldn't help but think, "this could have been me". What I mean is, someone who cares about you deeply, would do just about anything in the world for you, and who you can experience a deep connection with, but who also may seem to be emotionally unavailable - could very well be INTP. Maybe it's an NT thing in general, but I can only really speak as an INTP. If it was someone like me, you should realize that it's not that we "aren't into you". It's just that we don't really know how to "do that". We can be a little bit inept in that area - especially compared to INFJ's. We can care about you tremendously and love connecting with you and talking about deep things, growing together, etc - yet still be very inept with our emotions.

Really interesting that you post this, actually, because in spite of my "I've never felt that" statement earlier, the one time I did think, "Well, maybe..." it was with an INTP friend. We had an awesome connection, identical senses of humor, loved talking to each other, etc., but I never got any signals that I could interpret as him being interested in anything more than friendship. And maybe he wasn't! But I did get the uncomfortable, emotionally unavailable vibe from him, and it occurred to me that I was never going to find out if he was interested without damaging our very good friendship. It's tough when two such reserved personalities come up against one another (and I think for an INFJ, I'm rather emotionally reserved).

 

[Lily Bart]

I get stuck in this rut where I keep repeating over and over again how bad my life is and how none of my expectations is ever met and finally it gets so overwhelming that I have to get very firm with myself and say "wait a minute -- you have a wonderful marraige, two incredible kids that you're very proud of; you live in your dream house.... and so on and so on..." In other words, I force myself to think of all the good things in my life and when I do, I have to admit that compared to most people, I have absolutely nothing to feel bad about. But nonetheless, that tape keeps running through my head that things aren't the way I ideally want them to be, which is insane, because the reality is, truly, far beyond what most people could ever expect. And it's not like other people are saying "what's wrong with you?" it's just me constantly being way harder on myself than necessary. I guess in some ways I'm scared I'll drift into complacency, which I dread more than anything else. If I keep that tape running through my head that things aren't really what I want them to be then I won't settle into some smug form of contentment -- although I'm not sure why that's such a bad thing -- I just dread it and hate it more than anything!

 

[Sniffles]

Lily, alot of these issues are related to inferior Se. I actually just reading over this earlier today.

 

[Skyward]

You see, the thing is, I believe that everything is constantly evolving. It's like with something you desire is coming and you look forward to it but when it finally arrives, it materializes and it's not the ideal anymore, it's not the same anymore because it's not really the end. You'll still keep on dreaming about something else, that "ideal", because maybe the "road" is what you're really after. Being on that "road", having that focus towards something is what keeps you going. I hope this makes sense.

This is how I view it too. We follow inspiration, but it changes. An INFJ that looks too much to the end result probably will be more disappointed than the ones that 'stop and smell the roses.' I think Enneagram affects this.

If I follow what I'm inspired to do (and keep my responsibilities and promises to keep off guilt) I tend to feel better for it rather than always have a goal in mind and constantly want that goal.

I hope that made sense

 

[LavaLucy]

I definatly relate to all of this - especially the perfect friend part. Isn't it a pain in the ass! I'll think I'll get reincarnated as a SP. I hate feeling like I've given up so I don't give up and ARGH. Too many possibilities =

 

[JoSunshine]

I am constantly trying to search for a community of people that can understand me, the kind of music that I write, and the kind of narratives I construct in my head about my own life and my place in the world. I need people to share my sense of humour and my value systems, and more often than not I never meet anyone in any place that meets those expectations. I have bounced around from school program to program, from job to job, not finding what I'm looking for. I feel perpetually "lost," with no identity, and no one to deeply share my own feelings about the world.

Being an ENFJ (with a very slight E), I can relate to a lot of what you say as well as the general feelings expressed in this thread. These feelings were particularly strong when I was younger. It has only been in recent years that I have learned to "get over myself". That's how I put it anyway.

I think I felt for a long time that if someone didn't agree with my idealistic way of thinking, that it was a rejection of me. I took it very personally. I wanted the people I was close to agree with my values and world view. I felt they were rejecting me and "just didn't understand me" and couldn't really love me if they were rejecting of the values that were so closely tied to my identity, so would push and push, trying to get them to "understand" which really means "agree" with me. If I failed to "enlighten" them, I would eventually withdraw. One day I realized, it was me who was doing the rejecting, not everyone else (in most cases). NO ONE will ever have the same idealistic view of the world as I do because NO ONE is me. So I needed to understand that people can have different values than I do and still be very loving and accepting of me. I was the one who had a lesson to be learned, not everyone else. I needed to learn to be less self-righteous and more humble in my belief system. There are LOTS of good people out there, I just needed to open my eyes, my heart and my mind to them.

I do want to stress that this was always about values for me, I never ever rejected people based on superficial preferences or appearances. I have learned that I need to be respectful of others values. I do still have "standards" for someone I would consider a romantic relationship with, but the list is very short and there is a lot of latitude for differences. I got off of my idealistic throne and joined the masses...sometimes it is still a struggle keeping myself in check and God knows, I still have work to do, but it's worth it

 

[bcvcdc]

I think I felt for a long time that if someone didn't agree with my idealistic way of thinking, that it was a rejection of me. I took it very personally. I wanted the people I was close to agree with my values and world view. I felt they were rejecting me and "just didn't understand me" and couldn't really love me if they were rejecting of the values that were so closely tied to my identity, so would push and push, trying to get them to "understand" which really means "agree" with me. If I failed to "enlighten" them, I would eventually withdraw.

well, you're a better person than me. I still feel this ^ way.

 

[MonkeyGrass]

As I approach the ripe old age of 30, I'm finding myself becoming increasingly mellow and willfully content. It's a good feeling. I'm also becoming self-aware enough to channel that searching feeling into finding the perfect piece of antique junk at an estate sale, and less about plunging the possibilities of my immortal soul. I'm learning to trick myself into being happy.

Being married to an INTJ helps, too. When I'm pondering out loud in the middle of the night the possibility of collective consciousness and what knowledge I'm actually responsible for, he rolls his eyes at me and says, "You're over thinking non-predictable things. Wanna get naked?" It helps.

 

[JoSunshine]

well, you're a better person than me. I still feel this ^ way.

So I read this and then moved on becuase I wasn't really sure how to respond to that. I am still not sure how to respond to it, but it's been on my mind ever since I read it...so I'm back

I am sure you don't mean that literally, but none the less...

I don't think the changes I made made me a better person...definitely not better than anyone else. They just made me happier.

 

[Froody Blue Gem]

It hasn't always been in my conscious mind, and it's not always active with me. There was a time, actually a year ago, when I couldn't have cared less about finding a relationship. The thought of being asexual may have crossed my mind. I never labeled myself as that but my interest in the opposite gender or just any romantic partner had been significantly less than other people who I know. I had my priorities, my hobbies, and what I want to do with my life. If something relationship wise happened, great. If it didn't, I would still be a happy camper.

I still have my priorities and am not just throwing them away. But over a year ago, I had my first relationship, I was dragged into it somewhat unwillingly. I had never had a relationship before that, and he decided I was certainly not the one for him. I now worry if I'll ever find anyone else again, and I know it's kind of stupid. But I don't want to rush into anything or make my life all about finding the right someone too, but I think about it.