BerberElla
12 and a half weeks
- Joined
- Sep 25, 2008
- Messages
- 2,725
- MBTI Type
- infp
Hey lady! Your brother sounds like a very sweet, lost young man. I agree with Tallulah that he may be depressed. He still has to take responsibility for getting help though. You can't be everything to him. Definitely take a strong stand but do it kindly. I don't know what the exact financial situation is so please do what's best for you and your kids.
Explain the situation to him especially that concerning the kids and how they are different because they are not old enough to take care of themselves like he is. Ask him for his "help" in taking care of himself and becoming independent - tell him you need him to do that for all of you. I think your strategy is wise. Just don't take away everything at once. There's no reason you should be providing him pocket money. Even parents don't do that beyond 18 for many of us. I'd ask him to start contributing an X amount towards rent and food in 4-6 weeks. That's plenty of time to find a job, any job even flipping burgers to make that rent. Everyone can find something. He is a man and I understand well the pride that stops them from doing a job they consider beneath him. You not enabling him by providing for him will help him overcome that. Everyone has to start somewhere. If he fails to do that then consider turning him out.
As you take away physical support in food and shelter, offer more non-material support. see if you can just ask him what's going on. Be there more which must be mighty difficult if you're playing the mother role to your kids and him. That's what siblings can do in the long run, right. He's fortunate to have you in his life and that you're an ENFP. Slowly move to offering more comfort and encouragement and less material support.
That's what I have got out of this thread now, I won't give an ultimatum, but I will make my boundaries clear but do it in a way that makes him feel like I need him in on this with me, camaraderie so to speak.
This feels right at least, the ultimatum felt like me not being me.
Na, you are not being unreasonable.
I've been unemployed for a bit, it's tough out there. It's easy to lose motivation and give up. A good kick up the butt is maybe what he needs.
The fear of starving is a BIG motivator. I can understand losing momentum, but some times you have to keep going even though all you want to do is curl up and sleep the days away. I've survived a failure in business, and potential homelessness, and I tell you nothing feels better than knowing, soon, I'll be standing on my two feet again. Seriously, he might not like it at the time, but in the long run, he'll feel better for it once he's got a job and is contributing.
I was even tempted to put a lock on the kitchen as he raids my fridge and cupboard once I go to bed and I end up needing to replace things so quickly lol but I would rather it was done off his own back and his own understanding.
Glad to hear things are getting better for you though.
Thanks everyone for your kind words and supportive ideas.
I feel like I have a more workable solution now at least.
Now, to call a family meeting muahahahaha feel so grown up.