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[MBTI General] Dealing with others' problems/dealing with your own

SilkRoad

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Yesterday I dropped everything to go spend much of the day with a friend who'd had a sudden and tragic bereavement. We cried together, made each other tea, talked, she spoke with other friends and family of the person who'd died, etc.

It's a really sad situation and I felt awful for her. She's gone through a lot in her life and this is just another very bad thing, so I really feel pain for her. It wasn't just a friend, it was an ex-boyfriend who wasn't 100% "ex" and she was still completely in love with him.

I started thinking, though - I sometimes feel like it's much easier for me to handle other people's problems than my own. I'm generalising/speculating here, but I would guess that for instance NTs and SPs find their own problems easier to deal with than those of others. They're more likely to apply detachment/logic/moving on to their own problems, whereas strong painful emotions of others might be too frightening or intimidating.

But for me...I try to use empathy to reach out to others and help with their problems, even if I don't know quite what to say or do, and it usually seems to help. I become quite competent when helping others and I think I even detach a bit so I feel their pain but I'm not overwhelmed by it. But my own problems? They just seem to stay painful for so long, with a never-ending loop of thoughts and emotions running through my head, and it feels like some things stay unresolved forever. Like I'm too close to my own problems to free myself from those destructive thought/feeling patterns. I'll try to apply logic to my own problems, but often the emotions or hurt are too overwhelming and the still small voice of logic is drowned by all the screaming howling emotion.

I don't know, I'm just speculating. Maybe this is more of an individual thing than type-related.

EDIT: Seriously, I feel like I would make a very good therapist...who would then have to go for therapy herself... Is that common? :D
 

GirlFromMars

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Seriously, I feel like I would make a very good therapist...who would then have to go for therapy herself...

Oh God, yeah, I'm with you there. I have been to therapy myself, but know I'd make a good one. I'm good with other people's problems (in the listening/nuturing/giving gentle advice sense) But when it comes to my own problems, I'm not so hot. But a lot of people do say it's easier to give others advice, than to follow it ourselves.
 

SilkRoad

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But a lot of people do say it's easier to give others advice, than to follow it ourselves.

Yeah, maybe that's all it is :D it's not even just that though...it's the whole "dealing with emotional fallout" thing... From my perspective, it's almost like some people minimize the emotional fallout from their own problems, or deal with it very effectively, but they don't even want to go there with other people's. I "go there" fairly effectively for other people, but when I "go there" with my own problems, I sometimes just feel like I get more messed up!!

Not sure I'm making sense :D
 
G

garbage

Guest
First thought: others' problems are easier to deal with because we're farther removed from them, no matter how empathetic we are. We're careful when we deal with others' problems, sure, but we're not as prone to getting caught up in any resultant anxiety that prevents us from dealing with them.

I'm seeing a psychologist and I often act as one.. and I don't think there's a contradiction there.
 

Totenkindly

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First thought: others' problems are easier to deal with because we're farther removed from them, no matter how empathetic we are. We're careful when we deal with others' problems, sure, but we're not as prone to getting caught up in any resultant anxiety that prevents us from dealing with them.

Pretty much.

After all, when all is said and done, the empathizer is not the one who has to go home to an empty house and experience a large permanent hole in his or her life.

There is no escape from the loss, only a reprieve.

The empathizer can empathize but in the end can move on to the next thing.
 

SilkRoad

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Pretty much.

After all, when all is said and done, the empathizer is not the one who has to go home to an empty house and experience a large permanent hole in his or her life.

There is no escape from the loss, only a reprieve.

The empathizer can empathize but in the end can move on to the next thing.

All true...but wouldn't you agree that there are some who seem better at dealing with their own emotional pain/problems than those of others? That they just run away from situations where they'd have to empathize with someone else? That's more what I was getting at (and whether it was type-related or not, etc). Perhaps those people also run away from their own emotional pain...not sure.
 

Skyward

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All true...but wouldn't you agree that there are some who seem better at dealing with their own emotional pain/problems than those of others? That they just run away from situations where they'd have to empathize with someone else? That's more what I was getting at (and whether it was type-related or not, etc). Perhaps those people also run away from their own emotional pain...not sure.

Some people may not even know there is a problem, or they just escape it by distracting themselves with something (which seems an Extrovert tactic sometimes).

I think to those that understand there's a problem and want to fix it, their own problems are harder than other people's for the reason Jennifer mentioned. We can't just leave our own problems because they are with us all the time. A friend's problem is still close, sure, but far enough away that we aren't fearing for our own integrity.
 

Betty Blue

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All true...but wouldn't you agree that there are some who seem better at dealing with their own emotional pain/problems than those of others? That they just run away from situations where they'd have to empathize with someone else? That's more what I was getting at (and whether it was type-related or not, etc). Perhaps those people also run away from their own emotional pain...not sure.

I totally agree with this, I know two people who are just incredibly balanced individuals and can cope extreamly well with any of their own problems, even huge personal ones. They think very rationaly, objectively and calmly....weigh everything up, understand it, deal with it and move on
One is my other half and he's intj the other has been the best friend ever but i'm not sure of her type...deff not an intj though (too selfless)
 

BerberElla

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I totally agree with this, I know two people who are just incredibly balanced individuals and can cope extreamly well with any of their own problems, even huge personal ones. They think very rationaly, objectively and calmly....weigh everything up, understand it, deal with it and move on
One is my other half and he's intj the other has been the best friend ever but i'm not sure of her type...deff not an intj though (too selfless)

It's awesome to watch isn't it? I have so much admiration towards this ability, as being an NF I am much better at other people's problems too.

The fantastic advice I give, the lack of judgement when they make their choices, the supportive patience, all things I can never afford myself on any given day.
 

Betty Blue

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It's awesome to watch isn't it? I have so much admiration towards this ability, as being an NF I am much better at other people's problems too.

The fantastic advice I give, the lack of judgement when they make their choices, the supportive patience, all things I can never afford myself on any given day.

Tell me about it, when dealing with my own problems i get lost in emotion, have zero clarity and many conflicting views, so hard to step outside of it.

I have this friend who who rationalizes every part of the problem and comes up with a just solution thats always kind to me... it IS astounding
 
G

garbage

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I think the secret, when it comes to your own problems, is to not be as invested in the outcome as you're naturally prone to do. Accept that a situation could unfold in many different ways, then accept the worst among them. Then treat yourself as you would treat a friend in terms of giving advice and dealing with the problem.

Easier said than done, though, and it doesn't apply to every problem out there. But it's a start.
 

BlackCat

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First thought: others' problems are easier to deal with because we're farther removed from them, no matter how empathetic we are. We're careful when we deal with others' problems, sure, but we're not as prone to getting caught up in any resultant anxiety that prevents us from dealing with them.

Yeah, this. I often find myself helping others with their problems, and I do like knowing that I'm useful to someone in that way. The only time it's more difficult for me to deal with problems, my own or other's, is when there isn't an immediate solution or a solution that I can find in general. It just really irks me when you can't solve a problem or take action on it.

I don't really feel deep empathy unless I've experienced their problem, and it's difficult for me to do sympathy unless I have respect for the person and know that they would do the same for me. Sympathy doesn't really come naturally to me like it does to NFs it seems.
 

jenocyde

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I can't deal with other people's problems. I am the go-to girl for advice or motivation, but it's hard for me to coddle someone else. I'll feel sad for the person, but after the first 2 or 3 times I've repeated myself, I really just want to get the hell out of there. Most people grieving or emotional don't want alternative solutions to sadness, they want to feel sad and wallow in it. I am not able to hang around for an extended period of time in situations like that. I'm trying, but I'm still not there yet. But I'll do things for you. I can handle your bills or reschedule your appointments or buy you groceries. I'll come over every day and cook your meals or watch your kids.
 

JocktheMotie

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Much easier dealing with my own than others' problems, mainly because I think I have access to better information. For others, I'll give you my advice and thoughts and you can take it or leave it. Sometimes I am hesitant to give advice though because I think there is more pressure to be right than it is with myself, or I'm worried my advice will be interpreted incorrectly, misunderstood, and the resulting difficulty will be "my fault." I know I am not like others so my methods or thoughts won't work for most people. Instead, I try to guide someone's thoughts into reaching their own conclusion, instead of adding a perspective I think won't be understood.

The difficulty increases however, when someone else's problem becomes my problem, and I can't get them to do what I think they need to do. Very, very frustrating. So I try not to concern myself with others as much as I can get away with.
 

Totenkindly

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I can't deal with other people's problems. I am the go-to girl for advice or motivation, but it's hard for me to coddle someone else. I'll feel sad for the person, but after the first 2 or 3 times I've repeated myself, I really just want to get the hell out of there. Most people grieving or emotional don't want alternative solutions to sadness, they want to feel sad and wallow in it. I am not able to hang around for an extended period of time in situations like that. I'm trying, but I'm still not there yet. But I'll do things for you. I can handle your bills or reschedule your appointments or buy you groceries. I'll come over every day and cook your meals or watch your kids.

I'm similar, except more internalized about it -- I'm not particularly good at actually organizing someone's life, although I'm great with advice and encouragement and reframing things for people. I also am a wonderful listener, people say they feel safe, and know they can tell me anything without needing to feel embarrassed or ashamed. I'm also quick to grasp their perspective.

But I can't put off a lot of emo/sympathy vibes, it's more abstracted or channeled in other ways. I sometimes envy people who can do that.

I also don't have a lot of patience for people who want to wallow. I'm pretty quick to discern who just needs to dump before they get moving to fix something vs who just wants to be coddled and otherwise do nothing, and the latter quickly begins to repulse me. If I sense they cannot do better, I try to be patient... but I usually just want out.
 

jenocyde

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I also am a wonderful listener, people say they feel safe, and know they can tell me anything without needing to feel embarrassed or ashamed. I'm also quick to grasp their perspective.

But I can't put off a lot of emo/sympathy vibes, it's more abstracted or channeled in other ways. I sometimes envy people who can do that.

I also don't have a lot of patience for people who want to wallow. I'm pretty quick to discern who just needs to dump before they get moving to fix something vs who just wants to be coddled and otherwise do nothing, and the latter quickly begins to repulse me. If I sense they cannot do better, I try to be patient... but I usually just want out.

Yes, all of this exactly.
 

BlackCat

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Oh god I relate a lot to what you NTPs are saying. I hate it when people don't really want to solve their problems when they come to me, but just want to wallow. I get this feeling of "well why bother if it isn't being fixed?" :doh: And when that happens I lose motivation to try to help.

(Sometimes I wonder whether I'm actually an ISTP. :thinking: But I doubt it.) :ninja:
 

SilkRoad

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I can't deal with other people's problems. I am the go-to girl for advice or motivation, but it's hard for me to coddle someone else. I'll feel sad for the person, but after the first 2 or 3 times I've repeated myself, I really just want to get the hell out of there. Most people grieving or emotional don't want alternative solutions to sadness, they want to feel sad and wallow in it. I am not able to hang around for an extended period of time in situations like that. I'm trying, but I'm still not there yet. But I'll do things for you. I can handle your bills or reschedule your appointments or buy you groceries. I'll come over every day and cook your meals or watch your kids.

Well, to me, being there for practical things is still "dealing with others' problems" in your own way. I'm not as good on that side, I'm better at saying the right thing, crying with them, etc etc. If you're doing the practical stuff, it's certainly not like you're just running away and not wanting to get involved at all. You're helping in your own (practical!) way. Both are often needed - someone who could do both the empathy and the practical stuff would be fantastic!
 
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