[INFJ] When an INFJ moment unintentionally hurts someone

[CuriousFeeling]

Has anyone had an INFJ self-protective moment where it unintentionally hurts someone, particularly someone who's romantically interested in you? This happened to me recently, and now I feel his pain, although he hasn't expressed it. I wish I knew what to do to make it better, since I didn't mean to hurt him, I'm actually quite fond of him. INFJs, can you offer some advice?

 

[Fidelia]

Can you be more specific?

 

[CuriousFeeling]

Can you be more specific?

I've been chatting with someone online, he lives about 3 hours away from me. Things have been developing between us. My folks are alright with me meeting people, just they discouraged me from getting involved in a long distance relationship, since I was in one before and it didn't work out very well. So he wanted to go out on a date with me, and I would love to, just unsure if this would go over well with the parents. I explained this to him and that I was scared to ask them. From the way he's talking with me now, I can tell he's hurt. I feel bad that I've hurt his feelings and it wasn't my intention in the least bit. I wish I knew the way to repair this.

 

[Thalassa]

What have your parents got to do with anything? Are you under eighteen? If they don't actually have any legal power over you, it ultimately shouldn't matter if you really like this person. I need to clarify why this is even a real issue for you before I could respond.

 

[CuriousFeeling]

Over 18.

 

[Fidelia]

I think it's valid for people whose opinion matters to you and whom you are close to to affect your decision making. I think though that you were quite clear with the reasons for your reservations and so it's not like you left him wondering if he did something wrong.

 

[Thalassa]

Well, he may be under the impression that you're using your parents as an excuse to let him down easy - rather than coming out and saying that you aren't interested. Especially since you aren't under eighteen, and it's not a legal issue, there may be some misunderstanding on his part as to why you feel this way.

Or he may be just disappointed that he sees that moving forward with you may not be realistic and it's not so much that you hurt him, as that he feels let down.

Either way, it's ultimately up to you to decide. If how your parents feel takes precedent with you for whatver reason, then that's your choice and you're probably not going to be able to avoid disappointing him.

It's okay to disappoint people if it means asserting what you really want. On the other hand, if you truly want to date him, then you might want to explain further to him why your parents opinion is so important to you, so that he grasps that you aren't just using that as an excuse.

 

[CuriousFeeling]

Well, he may be under the impression that you're using your parents as an excuse to let him down easy - rather than coming out and saying that you aren't interested. Especially since you aren't under eighteen, and it's not a legal issue, there may be some misunderstanding on his part as to why you feel this way.

Or he may be just disappointed that he sees that moving forward with you may not be realistic and it's not so much that you hurt him, as that he feels let down.

Either way, it's ultimately up to you to decide. If how your parents feel takes precedent with you for whatver reason, then that's your choice and you're probably not going to be able to avoid disappointing him.

It's okay to disappoint people if it means asserting what you really want. On the other hand, if you truly want to date him, then you might want to explain further to him why your parents opinion is so important to you, so that he grasps that you aren't just using that as an excuse.

Yeah, that's exactly it. I'm not using my parents opinion as an excuse, rather I respect their opinions regarding who I'm dating and their judgment. It isn't like I don't like the guy, I really do and wish to date him. Problem is, both my parents and I know what I went through with previous relationships that went south when distance became an issue, particularly when the guy wanted to see me and I had schoolwork to attend to and tasks to accomplish at home. A previous relationship I had with someone I met on the internet did not go well at all either. Plus, when I first brought up with my parents about the guy, my dad could tell that I was interested in him and told me that I should date someone that lives closer than 3 hours away, and he cautioned me that not everyone is who they say they are on the internet. I didn't want to reveal that I had feelings for the guy, so I said that it wasn't my intention to have a relationship. But still, I carried on conversation with the guy and got to know him better and things got stronger between us.

So basically, it's a matter of what side do I listen to, go for something that seems impractical (long distance relationship) that will make me happy, or follow my parents advice regarding long distance relationships.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I remember when I was young placing a significant trust in the opinion of my mother and sister. I would feel a lot of inner conflict over relationships and not trusting that I should know what to do. This was in part because I was myself afraid of relationships and probably just not ready. Even at that point I had far more information about the person I was interested in than did my mother or sister, but they both had thoughtful input into any such issues.

As you gain maturity, you will eventually develop that same level of trust in your own judgment. There is some correlation to having personal trust and independence of judgment and being able to navigate a relationship (even more the case for serious relationships). If you are at a place in your life where you need external support and judgment on these things, then it might be natural to hold off on a relationship.

The inner conflict you feel will likely resolve itself over the next few years in favor of valuing your own judgment. That process will also indicate an increased readiness for the complexities of a relationship. You will be the only one to know from inside yourself when that is occurring. It sounds like it is starting to occur at this point.

 

[CuriousFeeling]

I remember when I was young placing a significant trust in the opinion of my mother and sister. I would feel a lot of inner conflict over relationships and not trusting that I should know what to do. This was in part because I was myself afraid of relationships and probably just not ready. Even at that point I had far more information about the person I was interested in than did my mother or sister, but they both had thoughtful input into any such issues.

As you gain maturity, you will eventually develop that same level of trust in your own judgment. There is some correlation to having personal trust and independence of judgment and being able to navigate a relationship (even more the case for serious relationships). If you are at a place in your life where you need external support and judgment on these things, then it might be natural to hold off on a relationship.

The inner conflict you feel will likely resolve itself over the next few years in favor of valuing your own judgment. That process will also indicate an increased readiness for the complexities of a relationship. You will be the only one to know from inside yourself when that is occurring. It sounds like it is starting to occur at this point.

It is starting to occur. In previous relationships, I was ready to go into them, thick or thin. This time, I'm a lot more cautious. After being burned by previous relationships and having a traumatic experience involving the male persuasion, I've felt a bit hesitant to go into a relationship. I've gotten so skeptical of a man's true intentions when he starts getting interested in me, yet at the same time, I want to be loved. So, this is why I'm sitting on the fence. I'm very fond of the guy, yet at the same time, I just don't want to be rushed into something, or have him turn out to be the opposite of my own impressions. My Ni tells me that he's a good person though. Perhaps I should meet up with him over dinner, start off small. Before making plans, I'll have to ask my folks.

I really feel I owe him an apology. I hate it when I get into self-protection mode and end up hurting someone, or confusing them. Sometimes I don't even understand myself. My fear of asking for what I want doesn't make logical sense!

 

[Sniffles]

Has anyone had an INFJ self-protective moment where it unintentionally hurts someone, particularly someone who's romantically interested in you?

All the time, well except they're not "romantically interested" in me exactly.

 

[Aphex]

Give it a shot, OP. You only live once, stop wasting your time speculating and being skeptical and just go on the damn date.

 

[CuriousFeeling]

Give it a shot, OP. You only live once, stop wasting your time speculating and being skeptical and just go on the damn date.

Yeah, the way to find out absolute truth is through empirical knowledge, thus I should go out on the date to get to know how the guy is like in person.

 

[Skyward]

I hate it when I get into self-protection mode and end up hurting someone, or confusing them. Sometimes I don't even understand myself. My fear of asking for what I want doesn't make logical sense!

Sometimes I wish I KNEW what I wanted! You're a step ahead of me there

Yeah, the way to find out absolute truth is through empirical knowledge, thus I should go out on the date to get to know how the guy is like in person.

I think, if you can, try not to make it sound like a 'date.' There are a lot of inferences that can be made on that, and it's safer to say 'meet up with' or something that doesn't imply that both parties have decided to be in a relationship, because if the empirical data ends up showing you that you'd rather not be in a relationship with him, that first 'date' would be more risky. If it felt more casual, I would think it wouldn't be as hard a break up.

But then again. Meeting him face to face in the first place might cause stronger romantic inklings no matter what you call it. So, whatever, go for it but try to pass it off as a reconnaissance mission for both of you

 

[Aphex]

Yeah, the way to find out absolute truth is through empirical knowledge, thus I should go out on the date to get to know how the guy is like in person.

Was this sarcasm?

 

[CuriousFeeling]

Sometimes I wish I KNEW what I wanted! You're a step ahead of me there



I think, if you can, try not to make it sound like a 'date.' There are a lot of inferences that can be made on that, and it's safer to say 'meet up with' or something that doesn't imply that both parties have decided to be in a relationship, because if the empirical data ends up showing you that you'd rather not be in a relationship with him, that first 'date' would be more risky. If it felt more casual, I would think it wouldn't be as hard a break up.

But then again. Meeting him face to face in the first place might cause stronger romantic inklings no matter what you call it. So, whatever, go for it but try to pass it off as a reconnaissance mission for both of you

You nailed it. This mindset of a "meetup" rather than "date" will help ease some of my anxieties, I think. I don't like to commit to something unless I've evaluated all the pros and cons first.

Was this sarcasm?

About empiricism, not in the least bit. My Te/Ti kicked in action. I tend to flip-flop a bit between my T/F side. It goes with being immersed in science. I'm both logical and emotional. Just in the end, Fe wins.

 

[cafe]

Would you be open to moving to where he is if the relationship were to become serious?
If not, are there opportunities for him where you live?

If so, maybe he could come eat dinner with your family.
If not, it might be best to break it off and not get into long distance friendships with men with the understanding that a relationship is a possibility.

 

[CuriousFeeling]

Would you be open to moving to where he is if the relationship were to become serious?
If not, are there opportunities for him where you live?

If so, maybe he could come eat dinner with your family.
If not, it might be best to break it off and not get into long distance friendships with men with the understanding that a relationship is a possibility.

Maybe not nearly as far as he lives now, maybe somewhere between where I am and where he is. Luckily there are a lot of opportunities for him in the vicinity of my hometown.

I haven't thought about the idea of dinner with my folks. Definitely an idea I'll consider.