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[INFP] INTJ needs help with INFP....

Rezdawg1

New member
Joined
Jan 14, 2010
Messages
18
MBTI Type
INTJ
I come here in peace. I mean no harm. I do not want to be taken to your leader, I am here to humbly ask for your input. And there is no mothership...

To the point:

I am an INTJ who has met an INFP. I am single but she is not.

We have amazing conversations and are in agreement about all the important things, i.e. politics, religion, world views, etc. We talk about very personal things. We look forward to talking to each other.

She is a writer and the main character in her book was giving her some problems. She asked me if she could incorperate some of me and my life into him. She also told me that few people "allow" her to just talk, think on her feet type free flow talking without censoring herself.

She is currently out of the country, but before she left , she hugged me twice. The first time was after I gave her a small gift that was a token of something we are both into. It was just a short hug, nothing big. The second was after we had been talking for a bit, rather excitedly, and then two family members walked in. We both reacted like teenagers. Guilty looks, stop talking, jump up from sitting positions, the whole nine yards. That is when she hugged me, a bit differently this time. She put her head on my shoulder, for just a brief second. That was the last time I saw her before she left.

We e-mailed off and on (computer issues on her side) but when she is in an area that allows for computer use, our e-mails have gotten longer and more in depth. She tells me she misses our "long, awesome" conversations.

What I am trying to get to is this: Is it just me, or is this woman attracted to me as more then a friend? I really do not know.....Am I seeing something that is not there or not seeing the obvious?

Help?
 

Fecal McAngry

New member
Joined
Oct 31, 2009
Messages
976
I come here in peace. I mean no harm. I do not want to be taken to your leader, I am here to humbly ask for your input. And there is no mothership...

To the point:

I am an INTJ who has met an INFP. I am single but she is not.

We have amazing conversations and are in agreement about all the important things, i.e. politics, religion, world views, etc. We talk about very personal things. We look forward to talking to each other.

She is a writer and the main character in her book was giving her some problems. She asked me if she could incorperate some of me and my life into him. She also told me that few people "allow" her to just talk, think on her feet type free flow talking without censoring herself.

She is currently out of the country, but before she left , she hugged me twice. The first time was after I gave her a small gift that was a token of something we are both into. It was just a short hug, nothing big. The second was after we had been talking for a bit, rather excitedly, and then two family members walked in. We both reacted like teenagers. Guilty looks, stop talking, jump up from sitting positions, the whole nine yards. That is when she hugged me, a bit differently this time. She put her head on my shoulder, for just a brief second. That was the last time I saw her before she left.

We e-mailed off and on (computer issues on her side) but when she is in an area that allows for computer use, our e-mails have gotten longer and more in depth. She tells me she misses our "long, awesome" conversations.

What I am trying to get to is this: Is it just me, or is this woman attracted to me as more then a friend?

I suspect she is, but ask her. She won't mind.
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
Yeah. Just ask her.
 

Rezdawg1

New member
Joined
Jan 14, 2010
Messages
18
MBTI Type
INTJ
:laugh: Well you're both productive. INTJs do not usually like the risk of asking and being wrong about it.

Oh so true!

I would love to ask her, but......I do not want to risk harming a good friendship (between her and I) if that is not the case, nor do I want to interfer in her relationship. So, I am wondering around an emotional nomansland...
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
:laugh: Well you're both productive. INTJs do not usually like the risk of asking and being wrong about it.

You've got to take an occasional risk in life, especially when it comes to relationships.




Oh so true!

I would love to ask her, but......I do not want to risk harming a good friendship (between her and I) if that is not the case, nor do I want to interfer in her relationship. So, I am wondering around an emotional nomansland...

I understand this. Ultimately it's up to you whether you think it's too much of a risk to your friendship. Only you know how you feel. At the same time, only she knows how she feels. We can't tell you that.
 

Rezdawg1

New member
Joined
Jan 14, 2010
Messages
18
MBTI Type
INTJ
What I'm asking is...is this "normal" to the INFP type, or is there an interest? I know it is all individual, but there are some common behaviors.
 

letsplaytwister

New member
Joined
Nov 21, 2009
Messages
20
I wouldn't think an INFP would give those signals without being aware of them or having them mean something, especially since it seems most INFP aren't normally outwardly emotional people.
 

visaisahero

New member
Joined
Nov 13, 2009
Messages
557
MBTI Type
ENTP
Aww mate this is really kinda sweet. :)

When will she be back in the country? You should ask her out! It will be more fulfilling than trying to take your relationship to the next level via e-mail.
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
Joined
Mar 20, 2009
Messages
7,626
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
She most likely feels close to you, but whether it's romantic or not is not certain. You'll have to ask. I would suggest doing it as low pressure as possible, keeping it more like "what if, someday" talk to feel her out....the most touchy part is that she is not single. INFPs usually have a very strong sense of loyalty, so you want to respect that. What do you know about her relationship?

As for "normal" behavior....some of my best friends are guys, and I might behave similarly with them at times; but there are some indicators that she may like you as more than just a friend/brother figure, or be open to the possibility in the future if she were single again.
 

Stanton Moore

morose bourgeoisie
Joined
Mar 4, 2009
Messages
3,900
MBTI Type
INFP
"She tells me she misses our "long, awesome" conversations"


Hmm. This seems pretty clear to me. Take a risk. You lose nothing by telling her that you have feeling for her. IF she rejects you, you still have a good conversationalist.



 

Uytuun

New member
Joined
Apr 19, 2008
Messages
1,633
MBTI Type
nnnn
Yeah, I'd say not a lot in your description makes me say "romance!". This could easily be a girl that has a good connection with you, but doesn't want more.
 

visaisahero

New member
Joined
Nov 13, 2009
Messages
557
MBTI Type
ENTP
I'm a little amazed by the number of NFs saying "just ask her". I've always thought that the straightforward approach was favoured by the NTs and that NFs would prefer to be subtly romanced. (Bear in mind that when you instruct an NT to "just ask her", he will probably do it differently from an NF).

NFs: Are you really sure "just ask her" is the best advice? How would you actually react if someone you friend-zoned asked you to consider a romantic relationship? Would you really be able to maintain the platonic relationship as you did before? I have witnessed how my female INFJ and ENFP friends have grown distant from friends who "just asked them". I'm not saying that the OP is being friend-zoned of course, in fact I think he has a really good chance with her (unless he has been painting a rose-tinted picture of the scenario, which can sometimes happen to even the best of minds).

I suggest though, that rather than putting her in a position where her options are yes/no/maybe/i don't know (which is 25% chance of success and a 75% chance of a trip down awkward boulevard), he should be subtle and allow her space to play out the romantic possibilities more strongly in her head to increase his odds of success.

All the NF women (my favourite kind!) that I have been intimate with in a romantic, emotional level for a sustained period of time were my friends beforehand, and I'm pretty sure a couple of them thought of me as "just a really good friend". What worked for me was to spend time with them that is "ambiguous"- we would go out as friends and hang out and maybe do silly things, and we would end up in deep conversation somewhere we could be alone- the beach, a deserted playground, whatever. Lingering conversation, a little bit of physical contact (the subtle, accidentally-on-purpose kind when you're lying next to each other looking at the stars) and sustained, comfortable silence- and before you know it you're making out! Yay!

Sorry, I got carried away. I love romancing INFx's. :)
 

Stanton Moore

morose bourgeoisie
Joined
Mar 4, 2009
Messages
3,900
MBTI Type
INFP
I'm a little amazed by the number of NFs saying "just ask her". I've always thought that the straightforward approach was favoured by the NTs and that NFs would prefer to be subtly romanced. (Bear in mind that when you instruct an NT to "just ask her", he will probably do it differently from an NF).

NFs: Are you really sure "just ask her" is the best advice? How would you actually react if someone you friend-zoned asked you to consider a romantic relationship? Would you really be able to maintain the platonic relationship as you did before? I have witnessed how my female INFJ and ENFP friends have grown distant from friends who "just asked them". I'm not saying that the OP is being friend-zoned of course, in fact I think he has a really good chance with her (unless he has been painting a rose-tinted picture of the scenario, which can sometimes happen to even the best of minds).

I suggest though, that rather than putting her in a position where her options are yes/no/maybe/i don't know (which is 25% chance of success and a 75% chance of a trip down awkward boulevard), he should be subtle and allow her space to play out the romantic possibilities more strongly in her head to increase his odds of success.

All the NF women (my favourite kind!) that I have been intimate with in a romantic, emotional level for a sustained period of time were my friends beforehand, and I'm pretty sure a couple of them thought of me as "just a really good friend". What worked for me was to spend time with them that is "ambiguous"- we would go out as friends and hang out and maybe do silly things, and we would end up in deep conversation somewhere we could be alone- the beach, a deserted playground, whatever. Lingering conversation, a little bit of physical contact (the subtle, accidentally-on-purpose kind when you're lying next to each other looking at the stars) and sustained, comfortable silence- and before you know it you're making out! Yay!

Sorry, I got carried away. I love romancing INFx's. :)

You know more than I do about dating NF women! I've dated more SJ's than any other type...
 

OrangeAppled

Sugar Hiccup
Joined
Mar 20, 2009
Messages
7,626
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I'm a little amazed by the number of NFs saying "just ask her". I've always thought that the straightforward approach was favoured by the NTs and that NFs would prefer to be subtly romanced. (Bear in mind that when you instruct an NT to "just ask her", he will probably do it differently from an NF).

In this case, she is in a relationship, so subtly romancing her is not appropriate.... Flirting with someone in a relationship and hanging out alone & seeing if sparks fly is not cool.

Being too direct is not good either, because it can be read as an ultimatum or something. It's easy to say little things like, "It's too bad you're not single" with a smile, and get the point across.

NFs: Are you really sure "just ask her" is the best advice? How would you actually react if someone you friend-zoned asked you to consider a romantic relationship? Would you really be able to maintain the platonic relationship as you did before?

I have experienced this, and while I did not return the feelings, we remain very good friends. It was not even that awkward, and I don't get the impression he experienced any long lasting disappointment. I appreciate him broaching the topic (as I was suspicious anyway). The wording was not direct, but the point was clear. Subtly can be more of a lightness in wording, but still to the point, not being cryptic. Some deep confession of love is what scares people off and creates weirdness.
 

Fecal McAngry

New member
Joined
Oct 31, 2009
Messages
976
I'm a little amazed by the number of NFs saying "just ask her". I've always thought that the straightforward approach was favoured by the NTs and that NFs would prefer to be subtly romanced. (Bear in mind that when you instruct an NT to "just ask her", he will probably do it differently from an NF).

NFs: Are you really sure "just ask her" is the best advice? How would you actually react if someone you friend-zoned asked you to consider a romantic relationship?
If I had to hazard a wild guess, the INTJ in question is dealing with an INFP in a relationship she is not happy with, and the INFP and INTJ both have feelings for each other.

That isn't a "friend zone" situation.

Yes, I prefer the direct to the indirect in this area. Of course there is risk involved...
 

Rezdawg1

New member
Joined
Jan 14, 2010
Messages
18
MBTI Type
INTJ
Okay, some highlights from e-mails:

I was asking her what was up about some female behavior on dates. She asked if that had ever happened to me and told me she had never been on a proper, getting to know you date, such as I was refering to.

I told her about some twit on-line that called me "emo" after I posted my reply to a thread about what INTJ men want in a woman. I quoted my post to her. Her reply was, basicly to defend me. She wanted to smear him on facebook, etc. Would she really do it? No.

Being the INTJ that I am, I have told her that I hope some of the things I am telling her about do not scare, offend or cross any lines. Her reply, "I am not scared of you,offended or anything."

She told me she thinks I am fascinating and inscrutable.

?
 

Litvyak

No Cigar
Joined
Oct 5, 2008
Messages
1,822
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I'm not competent in relationship issues and I realize you've posted this in the NF Idyllic for a reason, but

She asked me if she could incorperate some of me and my life into him.

The second was after we had been talking for a bit, rather excitedly, and then two family members walked in. We both reacted like teenagers. Guilty looks, stop talking, jump up from sitting positions, the whole nine yards.

She told me she thinks I am fascinating and inscrutable.

... these points tell me that she is interested in you. If you ask her about her feelings and she tells you that she's not romantically interested, that doesn't necessarily mean that you'll lose her friendship.

Keep it up! You're not the only one mesmerized by an NFP, they're so awesome :yes:
 
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