[INFJ] When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

[NPcomplete]

If I was an INFJ vampire I would really take advantage of being able to suck at everything.

So if you were an INFJ vampire, would you doorslam someone because their blood wasn't very tasty?

*Bringing Interview with a Vampire to a whole new zenith!*

But would you swallow...

*puts shades on*

...your pride?

How very reverse-Horatio Caine!

 

[Anew Leaf]

So if you were an INFJ vampire, would you doorslam someone because their blood wasn't very tasty?

*Bringing Interview with a Vampire to a whole new zenith!*



How very reverse-Horatio Caine!

Ironically if I were an INFJ vampire, I would be unable to doorslam anyone.

 

[NPcomplete]

Ironically if I were an INFJ vampire, I would be unable to doorslam anyone.

Because you'd be homeless and there won't be doors?

Oh if you're a homeless INFJ (rarer than unicorns???) and you live in a tent (with a zip opening), do you doorslam or zip out?

 

[Z Buck McFate]

So if you were an INFJ vampire, would you doorslam someone because their blood wasn't very tasty?

Though non-vampire INFJs may doorslam over this as well.

 

[Anew Leaf]

Because you'd be homeless and there won't be doors?

Oh if you're a homeless INFJ (rarer than unicorns???) and you live in a tent (with a zip opening, do you doorslam or zip out?

This is a good question. I often wonder as to the exact nature of doorslamming myself. I mean, doors typically have certain features such as hinges, and doorknobs, and locks, and bolts. So how do we define the parameters of a door used in the INFJ doorslam? How tall is it? If it's only tall enough for a hobbit then that really isn't that big of a deal. If it's a doorslam like the black gates to Mordor, well then, let me be the first to say that "shit just got real."

 

[NPcomplete]

Though non-vampire INFJs may doorslam over this as well.

That is most curious. What business do non-vampire INFJs have with tasting blood? Are you implying that INFJs - both the vampire and non-vampire kinds - are all vampires anyway?

This is a good question. I often wonder as to the exact nature of doorslamming myself. I mean, doors typically have certain features such as hinges, and doorknobs, and locks, and bolts. So how do we define the parameters of a door used in the INFJ doorslam? How tall is it? If it's only tall enough for a hobbit then that really isn't that big of a deal. If it's a doorslam like the black gates to Mordor, well then, let me be the first to say that "shit just got real."

The height of the door is directly proportional to the slam? I agree. I'll even add one more layer to this onion and say that the sound quality of the slam matters.

Now peel it and cry!

 

[Anew Leaf]

That is most curious. What business do non-vampire INFJs have with tasting blood? Are you implying that INFJs - both the vampire and non-vampire kinds - are all vampires anyway?




The height of the door is directly proportional to the slam? I agree. I'll even add one more layer to this onion and say that the sound quality of the slam matters.

Now peel it and cry!

Yeah, if you are going to doorslam someone or "slam" as the kids nowadays talk, then make sure to do it in a place with good acoustics: mountain ranges, sky scraper alleys, canyons, and wherever yodeling is both honored and enjoyed.

 

[NPcomplete]

Yeah, if you are going to doorslam someone or "slam" as the kids nowadays talk, then make sure to do it in a place with good acoustics: mountain ranges, sky scraper alleys, canyons, wherever yodeling is both honored and enjoyed.

*adds to Doorslam Code*

Can we all agree then that by rejecting Echo, Narcisssus was the original doorslammer?

 

[Anew Leaf]

*adds to Doorslam Code*

Can we all agree then that by rejecting Echo, Narcisssus was the original doorslammer?

But what is the sound of one lake slamming shut?

 

[Z Buck McFate]

That is most curious. What business do non-vampire INFJs have with tasting blood? Are you implying that INFJs - both the vampire and non-vampire kinds - are all vampires anyway?

No, non-vampire INFJs don't taste blood, that would be silly. I'm just saying *if we find out* your blood tastes funny, it could be grounds for a doorslam. Cos it doesn't take much, apparently.

 

[NPcomplete]

But what is the sound of one lake slamming shut?

The same sound that bathtubs make when you drain them.

No, non-vampire INFJs don't taste blood, that would be silly. I'm just saying *if we find out* your blood tastes funny, it could be grounds for a doorslam. Cos it doesn't take much, apparently.

Selective memory on the part of the slammed, most probably. The latest edition of the Doorslam Code says that the slammed will be compelled to attribute radioactive qualities to the slammer and that their shroomed minds will only see mushroom clouds and rubble everywhere.

I just want to see the mutant babies!!

 

[Anew Leaf]

The same sound that bathtubs make when you drain them.



Selective memory on the part of the slammed, most probably. The latest edition of the Doorslam Code says that the slammed will be compelled to attribute radioactive qualities to the slammer and that their shroomed minds will only see mushroom clouds and rubble everywhere.

I just want to see the mutant babies!!

Ok, so after an INFJ doorslams someone via the Narcissus Method, which way does the drain swirl? Clockwise or Counter? Let's say that the hemisphere hasn't been decided on.

 

[NPcomplete]

Ok, so after an INFJ doorslams someone via the Narcissus Method, which way does the drain swirl? Clockwise or Counter? Let's say that the hemisphere hasn't been decided on.

If it swirls clockwise, it means the door wasn't firmly closed. A breath of life can still make its way inside. If it's counterclockwise...well, to put it nicely, you'll get to experience the Cold War as it would have been felt in the Ice Age.

 

[Anew Leaf]

If it swirls clockwise, it means the door wasn't firmly closed. A breath of life can still make its way inside. If it's counterclockwise...well, to put it nicely, you'll get to experience the Cold War as it would have been felt in the Ice Age.

Ah, so if a butterfly flaps its wings in Shanghai, then there is a hurricane in Florida. And if a doorslammed person wasn't fully doorslammed then.................... Winter is coming?

So basically the entire Song of Ice and Fire saga hinges on a badly executed doorslam? Sigh. So disappointing.

 

[Intricate Mystic]

One thing I learned through experience was to not walk on egg shells, as long as i didn't deserve to do so. Then the infj comes around or I move on. If I deserve it, then i will walk on egg shells as deserved and try to make up for it.

Could you explain more about how you learned to not walk on egg shells? I'm just wondering because my NT ex talked about walking on egg shells around me when we went through a particularly difficult period. I didn't even know he was doing that! My concern after he told me was that I had induced this response in him without wanting that to happen. It seems like you can't have honest communication if one person feels like they have to monitor what they say or how they act around you.

 

[Vasilisa]

I would be willing to take the time to split the thread but I can see how it may be considered biased.

But since there is still discussion going on, please don't fluff this out much more.

 

[Society]

Could you explain more about how you learned to not walk on egg shells? I'm just wondering because my NT ex talked about walking on egg shells around me when we went through a particularly difficult period. I didn't even know he was doing that! My concern after he told me was that I had induced this response in him without wanting that to happen. It seems like you can't have honest communication if one person feels like they have to monitor what they say or how they act around you.

can't talk for balancefield, but i've being there...

when my exwife started reaching for the door - as her main solution to any problem (and later, when i got her to reopen the door ever so slightly for a little while before it got doorslammed again), when it feels like any "wrong" move on your part will lead to the doorslam, including bringing up any problem in your dynamics at the time and including bringing up this one as a problem, and yet she, having no such problems and having no problem doing anything that may be wrong by me, indulges in that freedom without you having the freedom to respond on equal terms.

you have to be understanding towards her in ways she won't be towards you, you have to be willing to take the crap in ways she won't tolerate from you, and you can say nothing about it or it will be the last thing you say. its' a point where you can no longer trust her to take what she dishes or to even notice what she dishes, you can no longer trust her to examplify the boundaries she needs, you can no longer trust her to be fair in her interactions with you, and worst of all - you can no longer trust her to be aware of her own power play. i know my exwife isn't because gods know how she judges people who are and would still do it.

i think what balancefield is saying is that in that situation, he would rather not do so at all - that if that is their solution then the relationship isn't worthwhile to maintain - and if the value of a relationship was based on mutual willingness and capacity to work on it and understand each other, he'd be right.

unfortunately relationships aren't equal, and sometimes relationships have carried value of what you invest in them. for him it was mainly posessions. for me it was my relationship with stepson.

 

[Vasilisa]

@INFJs

Sonnet 94

They that have power to hurt, and will do none,
That do not do the thing they most do show,
Who, moving others, are themselves as stone,
Unmoved, cold, and to temptation slow;
They rightly do inherit heaven's graces,
And husband nature's riches from expense;
They are the lords and owners of their faces,
Others, but stewards of their excellence.
The summer's flower is to the summer sweet,
Though to itself, it only live and die,
But if that flower with base infection meet,
The basest weed outbraves his dignity:

For sweetest things turn sourest by their deeds;
Lilies that fester, smell far worse than weeds.​

 

[21%]

Could you explain more about how you learned to not walk on egg shells? I'm just wondering because my NT ex talked about walking on egg shells around me when we went through a particularly difficult period. I didn't even know he was doing that! My concern after he told me was that I had induced this response in him without wanting that to happen. It seems like you can't have honest communication if one person feels like they have to monitor what they say or how they act around you.

This would be interesting for me to hear as well.

I do know, though, that occasionally, especially if I'm under stress, I can be very emotional -- and little 'insensitive' comments will hurt me and provoke a strong emotional reaction, like I would suddenly start crying over something that might be perceived as insignificant. My SO is an INFP -- so usually he tries to be sensitive about things, unless he's under stress as well. I can imagine that for NTs it would be even harder for them to gauge someone's emotional state in the first place and would think we are overreacting?

 

[BalanceFind]

Could you explain more about how you learned to not walk on egg shells? I'm just wondering because my NT ex talked about walking on egg shells around me when we went through a particularly difficult period. I didn't even know he was doing that! My concern after he told me was that I had induced this response in him without wanting that to happen. It seems like you can't have honest communication if one person feels like they have to monitor what they say or how they act around you.

Sure. Walking on egg shells happens when the infj is at an average level, not good, not terrible. I'd call it low average level. It happens when the infj is upset about something or somethings. This could be legit, or exaggerated reaction by the infj, or imagined. It is when the infj is very short, snappy in a negative way and finds fault with just about everything of the other. Often times this reaction comes across as pouting, disproportional to the offending action. The non infj can fight and argue but the sense is that the infj needs space and quiet. This doesn't work either because it is very important to the infj that you don't ignore them. Nothing seems to work to make the infj feel better. There is a concern by non-infj that nothing the non-infj can say or do will be greeted bu anything but negativity, not calm, objective, rational, reality. And the non-infj recognizes this mood of the infj and doesn't want rhe time and stress of dealing with too much negative feelings, which is exhausting and unnecessary. No balance.

So first it is hypersensitivity, overreaction, as well as finding fault with every little thing. It is also overanalyzing, overinterpreting comments, gestures from everyone in a negative way, when most of them are not meant to hurt you. It is also correcting people. Then when distance is given, pouting begins and it is a game of hide and seek. If this happens often or if an incident is prolonged, this is exhausting to the non-infj.

What I learned is a good balance. At first I am sympathetic, direct, caring, calm, polite, and this works quickly sometimes. But if the infj carries on too long about it, I just live my life normally.

Random example: She stays home instead of picking up food or running an errand. I will keep living life and getting it done with or without her. She likes to cook sometimes, as do I. She will stop entirely, trying to punish me in a small way. I will just do it. I will acknowledge her punishing me sometimes and her pouting. But if it is disproportional or too much I keep getting things done. If I am at fault, I am apologetic right away and I do the work until I believe she is carrying on too long about it.

What I learned is to be positive and supportive daily, which I was and am. Then it is up to me to be willing to calmly say enough is enough about whatever it is and keep living daily instead of coddling to her feelings. This takes healthy self esteem. I make sure to say I understand your feelings and respect them before I say enough is enough because ignoring an infj really angers them.

In the beginning I was too nice and tolerant of the egg shells. The only times I ever got a little snappy back was if I was ever corrected by her in public. That's a big no no.

The egg shells happened once in a while, but not that often. The infj can quickly realize he/she is overreacting and calms down. The infj can pout longer, then later over compensate by trying too hard to give the other attention, or in more extreme cases it can lead to a door slam.

It is up to me to be healthy for both myself and the infj and try my best. If I have healthy self esteem then that is plenty good enough for me. More often I would help my infj loosen up about small things that others did to irritate her and not me. Egg shells were not common but happened once in a while. If it was common it likely would have led to the end of the relationship much sooner.

Nobody is perfect. I have many character flaws and areas of needed improvement that I manage daily. So I don't expect nor want perfection in return. She was much better when not perfectionistic, just wanting good quality. So I have learned to take more control of myself in the situation and not let the infj wallow in hurt feelings. I keep living with or without her, preferably with of course. But I have learned that if the egg shells are unreasonable, to stand my ground and be okay with her response because it is 50/50 not just about the infj. If the infj can't see that, time to move on in life.

It's the thought or idea of doing my best and letting things fall where they fall and that's good enough. One person cannot dictate emotions, feelings, actions in a relationship. Many recipients of egg shells coddle the infj every time which lowers the non-infj's self esteem because they don't want to be yelled at or be embarrassed in public. That is too exhausting and too self defeating. The non-infj has to be okay with conflict and focus more on what's fair not just what the infj wants. That is a risk that the non-infj has to be willing to take. And, if the non-infj has healthy self-esteem they will.

I suggest your person tell you every time when it's egg shells, right away, early so it can be nipped in the bud quickly. Then you both have to decide was it big or small or nothing and solve accordingly.

I told mine when she would vent about a taxi driver or store clerk, etc.. that not everyone has the best day every day and it's not a big deal, after I agree first. Again this didn't happen often but the pattern was easy to spot. She even jokingly called herself a cranky toddler when in this state which I lovingly and jokingly would say later on as a warning for her. Humor helps a lot. Getting the infj to be less serious and laugh especially at oneself was very valuable.

For you, the infj, I would sit down with a friend or someone who knows and has seen the egg shells and you could get a better understanding to be able to recognize it in yourself so that you can better decide if your acrions or responses are appropriate for the events or situation.

Early direct communication, in person helps most.