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[INFJ] When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

Ivy

Strongly Ambivalent
Joined
Apr 18, 2007
Messages
23,989
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6
your asking what's wrong from not seen the other side in your relationships? your asking what's wrong with not learning how your own actions affect people from perspectives other then your own so that you can recognize potential mistakes that might not apear to be obviously so from your initial perspective and thus learn from them and grow as a person?

meh, absolutely nothing.

It's entirely possible to consider their perspective, find it abhorrent, and block it to protect yourself. It's a valid and very human tendency. Like my mama always said: be open minded, but not so open minded that your brain falls out.
 
S

Society

Guest
That's going beyond merely trying to understand what happened between you and your wife in my view.
huh? they addressed my theory so i responded to that, very little addressed anyting i said about my relationship with my wife.

If someone is stomping all over my boundaries and causing me stress to the point that I dread having contact with them, then I am not close to that person even if they think they are close to me.
see by opening up to their perspective you might actually be able to consider what caused them to "stomp all over your boundaries", can they be just douchebags you never realized when you got close to them in the first place? perhaps, or maybe you set a pretex by crossing theirs, or maybe you didn't express your boundaries well enough, or maybe you unintentionally gave them the impression that the boundaries changed... there are a lot of possibilities, learning from them will be a hell of a fertilizer as far as your capacity to handle relationship goes, doorslamming them just means you'll blind yourself to the reasons.
 
S

Sniffles

Guest
huh? they addressed my theory so i responded to that, very little addressed anyting i said about my relationship with my wife.
That's been my impression from glancing through the past 20 pages or so.

In anycase I'm done with you.
 
S

Society

Guest
That's been my impression from glancing through the past 20 pages or so.
seriously the one thing i did say was that she doorslammed me because she felt i publically humiliated her by talking about her, wtf would make you think this is what i'd be doing here? some people are able to recognize their own mistakes.
 

Rasofy

royal member
Joined
Mar 7, 2011
Messages
5,881
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I wanted to participate, but I think I've never met an INFJ in real life.
Do they really exist in the wild? :rly???:
 

Crescent Fresh

Diving into Ni-space
Joined
Mar 17, 2011
Messages
802
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
Now I just wish Mane's INFJ ex had doorslammed him earlier. She definintely doesn't deserve to spend time with someone who doesn't value other's (and her own) perspectives.
 
S

Society

Guest
I wanted to participate, but I think I've never met an INFJ in real life.
Do they really exist in the wild? :rly???:
hahaha, rare but existing... and can be very different from those here.

i think their are many added filter layers here - the INFJs who'll get tested by themselves or at work and move on, INFJs who'll get into the MBTI for whatever reason - such as understanding their relationships with people of one type or another - and the INFJs who'll get into it for the reason of bonding with other INFJs, the INFJs who'll view that as a tribal bond, and the INFJs who'll come in defense of their typological tribe when they feel it's "assaulted"...

this doesn't represent the INFJ diversity at large.
 

Rasofy

royal member
Joined
Mar 7, 2011
Messages
5,881
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hahaha, rare but existing... and can be very different from those here.
Cool. :D
i think their are many added filter layers here - the INFJs who'll get tested by themselves or at work and move on, INFJs who'll get into the MBTI for whatever reason - such as understanding their relationships with people of one type or another - and the INFJs who'll get into it for the reason of bonding with other INFJs, the INFJs who'll view that as a tribal bond, and the INFJs who'll come in defense of their typological tribe when they feel it's "assaulted"...
Hah, I've seem most of those!
this doesn't represent the INFJ diversity at large.
You bet....:p(don't take it too seriously though)
 
S

Society

Guest
Now I just wish Mane's INFJ ex had doorslammed him earlier. She definintely doesn't deserve to spend time with someone who doesn't value other's (and her own) perspectives.
...perspectives can be wrong, it can be uncomfortable at times, but its why we put it to the test by debating it with others - which is what i did with my perspective here. you have every bit of room to argue and reason against my perspective and fine tune both by contrasting it with your own.

as for the whole "believe in my conclusions or you dont respect me" BS, best described from the outside by another INFJ:
The hardest part of it is that they truly believe you don’t love/respect them if you don’t believe them (even though their beliefs are mistaken AND hurtful to you). It’s really twisted. I may be way off about Arc's experience being similar- all I know is the stuff he's posted here & there- it's just that the comments hit a familiar nerve to me.
please, none of that.

as for my wife, since you seem so interested, while at earlier stages of life it's entirely acceptable to doorslam someone because you don't like their hair as far as your right's go, in our case we raised our son together, concieved before i met her but mine in every other possible way, which makes the situation a little bit different. so if you really really want to go into personal aspects, you might want to stand for the traits your tribe is known for rather then "stand in it's defense".

and btw - this:
also, i would be grateful if you can keep it civil and avoid snide remarks about my marriage unless they are backedup with actual insight. there's already a member of this little INFJ front who has degraded herself into trolling outside of this thread, if you want to stand in defense of INFJ doorslammers you might consider trying to do so with dignity.
was for you.
 
G

Ginkgo

Guest
INFJ doorslams can seem like the purest expression of not wanting to talk with someone in the world. I mean, I know it's happened to me, and it's difficult to figure out when I don't know where I stand with the INFJ. I know Peguy mentioned being it basically being the consequence of being overwhelmed and absorbing too much undesirable energy from someone, which I can understand, especially if the INFJ is trying to reevaluate where the best use of their time would be. I've even doorslammed people, but in my case it's more like nobody's home in the first place. Once you put the foot in my door, it's hard to get you out of my system, which means that I have to be vigilant about who romps around in my inner-life in the first place. I guess my point is that, in my experience, INFJ doorslams can be utterly unpredictable and mysterious in how they were caused, depending on the INFJ. INFJs can be pretty mild but it seems like their paths in life, and how their paths converge with the paths of others, can change radically and subtly. The discreteness can make it seem even more radical and bewildering.

It's not up to me how anyone else lives their life, but if I were to doorslam someone, I would make it clear that I was going to doorslam them. Yeah, explanations can dissolve the significance of the act itself. Nobody needs to know "Why" you do anything, and rationalizing it to someone else only makes you more vulnerable to scrutiny, putting an INFJ in a difficult situation if they are sympathetically invested in an individual they want to divorce themselves from. But vanishing off the face of the Earth's crust without sending a memo doesn't seem quite appropriate imo.
 

PeaceBaby

reborn
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
5,950
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N/A
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N/A
[MENTION=15291]Mane[/MENTION], I can see where you are going off the rails here - let me know if you want to get this train back on track and enter into more productive discussion with the INFJ's.

Otherwise, a whole whack of them are leaving you behind at the last station.

And, tell me what you want out of this - I hear what you are saying, but I am not sure what you WANT, esp from the INFJ's. If you want to vent, cool. If you want to improve your communications, cool ... etc. Explicitly state it, and forgive me if you have already but I haven't been staying on top of this thread. (I have read some of your previous posts so possess an awareness of your situation.)
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
Here's the thing Mane. We all are given a set of resources in different types of currency - time, money, emotional energy, physical energy and so on. If we start to overspend in one area, it usually starts spilling over and bankrupting other areas. Therefore, if someone is sucking an undue amount of emotional energy from me without any signs of the situation ever changing (temporary needs are one thing, ongoing with no intention/ability to change is another), then I need to draw way back. Otherwise, I run out of resources to care for the other people and obligations in my life that I am responsible for.

For most people, it takes awhile to learn at what point this is necessary, but I think the fact remains that for all people, there will be relationships at one time or another where it is necessary. I agree with Ginkgo that it is important to let people know why you are going, but it doesn't always mean that the going is negotiable. Hopefully efforts have been made before to amend the relationship, but sometimes if a pattern of one person doing an undue amount of adjusting giving, and the other person doing a lot of receiving while still maintaining decision making power in the relationship is just an unhealthy way to live.

I really can't comment on what happened with you and your wife, and I have no doubt that losing your son is searingly painful. I agree that if it's a marriage, you should be at least apprised of why it's over. However, the fact remains that whether you like it or not, your wife doesn't want to talk to you. Give her some space. If you are approaching it in the same way as you have here, I'm afraid you are likely to get similar results.

It's not really that the people here are entirely unsympathetic. It's just that there is frustration when:
1) Your purpose (other than fixing INFJs everywhere) is unclear.
2) You don't seem to be heeding numerous people who individually are expressing similar sentiments about the way you are approaching this issue. Take time to reconsider your approach and I really think more useful discussion for you will ensue.
3) You are new here, which means you will get a basic amount of respect, but don't hae a lot of collateral to fall back on if you are saying things that get people's backs up. Get to know some of us individually first and I think you will have better luck.
 

BalanceFind

New member
Joined
Nov 9, 2011
Messages
144
Let me ask you this Fidelia, or anyone else. Do you think there is ever a time where it is possible where the basic laws and rules of society are not applicable to you?

My infj had stress plus hurt feelings. She believes her feelings are more important than some basic responsibilities.

I have heard of some door slammers changing their life, address, phone, friends, disappearing. But what about pretty big loose ends? I am dealing with someone who has had a complete disregard for everything.

It isn't close to proportional. I respect feelings and hurt feelings. But what I don't understand is the basic disregard for all responsibilities.

I understand that some people are feelers first, and less logical, but I'm curious to thoughts about where the line is drawn when it comes to basic daily responsibilities.

When do you say, okay there are basic logical things that need to be taken care of first? Then feelings.

In my case, which I know is extreme, we are talking about hurt feelings along the lines of what I would call pretty minor. All feelings are important, but I find the complete disregard for important responsibilities amazing. The self sabotage and burning bridges with several people in my case, was so unnecessary. This was caused by door slamming and never comig back to reality. Her intentions are to stay hidden until everyone else gets too tired of the situation and fades away.

Do people think that generally speaking, this is extreme when it comes to door slamming? Do people think it is more common for a door slammer to solve major loose ends first, or just continue to irrationally disappear permanently leaving many open ended problems?
 

1487610420

Permabanned
Joined
Apr 13, 2009
Messages
6,431
INFJ doorslams can seem like the purest expression of not wanting to talk with someone in the world. I mean, I know it's happened to me, and it's difficult to figure out when I don't know where I stand with the INFJ. I know Peguy mentioned being it basically being the consequence of being overwhelmed and absorbing too much undesirable energy from someone, which I can understand, especially if the INFJ is trying to reevaluate where the best use of their time would be. I've even doorslammed people, but in my case it's more like nobody's home in the first place. Once you put the foot in my door, it's hard to get you out of my system, which means that I have to be vigilant about who romps around in my inner-life in the first place. I guess my point is that, in my experience, INFJ doorslams can be utterly unpredictable and mysterious in how they were caused, depending on the INFJ. INFJs can be pretty mild but it seems like their paths in life, and how their paths converge with the paths of others, can change radically and subtly. The discreteness can make it seem even more radical and bewildering.

It's not up to me how anyone else lives their life, but if I were to doorslam someone, I would make it clear that I was going to doorslam them. Yeah, explanations can dissolve the significance of the act itself. Nobody needs to know "Why" you do anything, and rationalizing it to someone else only makes you more vulnerable to scrutiny, putting an INFJ in a difficult situation if they are sympathetically invested in an individual they want to divorce themselves from. But vanishing off the face of the Earth's crust without sending a memo doesn't seem quite appropriate imo.

The potato has spokeneth.
PotatoMan-JP-Anime-GX-NC.png

:worthy:
 

cascadeco

New member
Joined
Oct 7, 2007
Messages
9,083
MBTI Type
INFJ
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9w1
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sp/sx
Do people think that generally speaking, this is extreme when it comes to door slamming? Do people think it is more common for a door slammer to solve major loose ends first, or just continue to irrationally disappear permanently leaving many open ended problems?

As I was trying to say earlier on to you, I've felt all along your example was a very extreme case and in many respects falls outside of pure mbti talk. And for me, it would be unheard of to not tie off any logistical loose ends. I can't comprehend leaving someone totally hanging, without having at the very least a formal 'this is why I'm saying goodbye, let's get logistics tied off but then see ya' talk.

Although it hasn't happened to me, theoretically, if through the course of that closure process THEY refused to let me go, despite my communicating to them and trying to wrap up loose ends, then I could see just ceasing altogether and shutting them out.
 

Z Buck McFate

Pepperidge Farm remembers.
Joined
Aug 25, 2009
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sx/sp
I have one question for mane. Do you believe it’s possible to completely exhaust someone’s resources and cause them a tremendous amount of distress by talking too much? Because I’ve noticed some extraverts- sometimes it’s a foreign experience to them, they never get so exhausted from talking that they will feel completely depleted and absolutely distressed as a result- so they don’t begin to understand how it’s even possible. And because it’s not possible for them to experience it, they don’t believe it’s possible for other people to experience it. So will you allow that it’s entirely possible for it to be another person’s experience- that talking about something too much can cause so much distress that it becomes unbearable?

Because until you allow that this distress is a very real existential condition that you can cause in others- that it is possible for you to cause suffering by doing this- you won’t be able to take responsibility for it.

Let me ask you this Fidelia, or anyone else. Do you think there is ever a time where it is possible where the basic laws and rules of society are not applicable to you?

BalanceFind, again, the situation you’ve described is extraordinary and I really don’t think it falls under the normal parameters of ‘doorslam’. I have never felt like I am exempt for the same responsibilities and obligations in a relationship as anyone else, and I have only ever written people off when THEY are the ones who are not willing to stop and consider how they are taking far more than they are willing to give in the relationship.
 

DisneyFanGirl

New member
Joined
Mar 1, 2012
Messages
89
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ENFP
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7w6
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sx
My best friend tried this on me. I wouldn't let her. We got over our problems and are best friends again. It's not always a hopeless case.
 

Esoteric Wench

Professional Trickster
Joined
Dec 20, 2009
Messages
945
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w8
[MENTION=7063]SilkRoad[/MENTION], your signature is completely cracking me up. You bad girl you.

It says: "I :heart: DOORSLAMMING" (Check it out here.)

:rofl1:
 
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