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[INFJ] When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

BalanceFind

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I still don't believe in the door slam, even in extreme self protective circumstances. Far fetched example of escaping abuse or something, I still believe in getting a clear, direct message somehow to the other person of what you are doing, what you want and why. I think there is value in that.

If there was no extremely large sums of money and a house involved, I would have let it go long ago. There would have been an initial shock, then possibly trying to communicate, but after it was clear that the other person was okay and simply choosing to disappear, I'd have move forward on my own rather quickly. And, to me, that is all about self-esteem. If you believe in yourself, and do the things daily that you need to do in life, you will do fine.

I also never say never. If someone door slammed me and later came back out of the blue, I would listen. I would have my guard up, and that person would have to re-earn and re-establish trust with me over time, but, it's possible that person could then have some new place in my life again.

Feelings aren't facts. Feelings have value. But, they don't have value without facts.
 

Starry

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:yes: We should make a list of everything that's funny, and everything that isn't. Because I'm sick of being surprised by things that I think will be funny, only to find out they're not.

You totally think getting into the slowest moving line is going to be funny and it never is.
 

Z Buck McFate

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That's why I'm saying, we should really make some kind of list. As definitive a list as possible.
 

SilkRoad

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now, this is going to seem a bit ugly - picking a case to disect - but fidelia's example is the most easy to demonstrate:
i don't know her well enough to know if it applies to her fully, but the chances are very good that it does - because generally INFJs tend to be very private with the information they will let themselves divulge about themselves and as people who often take the social role of providing council, it is nearly unavoidable that they will find themselves in situations where they will avoid giving away information that other people would find important. in other words, lying-by-omission. yet in her doorslamming story, the reason she doorslammed her ex was him doing something that she probably does herself often - lying by omission. now, i'm sure she score a lot on those to get an INFJ, but where was the Ni-Fe then at that moment? where was the room for reasons, circumstances and justifications from his perspective that in all probably she lends herself? my answer is simple - it wasn't there.

You know, this is really pretty damn presumptuous of you. You're correct that you don't know her at all and you just read a bunch of crap into what she said. Her ex was not one of the (two?) people she described as having "doorslammed". Those of us who have been on the forum a little longer have read a little more about her experiences and what led to the breakup and any subsequent interactions they had.

You've just put a bizarre spin on a story you know virtually nothing about to support your own agenda. What you've said indicates that you're not even reading what most of us are writing here properly...
 

SD45T-2

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You know, this is really pretty damn presumptuous of you. You're correct that you don't know her at all and you just read a bunch of crap into what she said. Her ex was not one of the (two?) people she described as having "doorslammed". Those of us who have been on the forum a little longer have read a little more about her experiences and what led to the breakup and any subsequent interactions they had.

You've just put a bizarre spin on a story you know virtually nothing about to support your own agenda. What you've said indicates that you're not even reading what most of us are writing here properly...
He's sort of like a shopping cart with a faulty wheel. Instead of going straight down the aisle he keeps wanting to swerve and crash into the pastry display case.
 
S

Society

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You know, this is really pretty damn presumptuous of you. You're correct that you don't know her at all and you just read a bunch of crap into what she said. Her ex was not one of the (two?) people she described as having "doorslammed".

i was working with the information i had:
I can only think of two people where this has been the case. In one case, it was a former summer boyfriend whom I had written to throughout university with the understanding that neither of us were interested in pursuing a relationship. However, as he continued writing, something seemed a little off and I found out that he had been dating someone for quite some time and chose not to mention it because he didn't feel good about the choices he was making and didn't want anyone to call him on them. To me, I felt it was disrespectful to his girlfriend and so told him when I chose to discontinue contact that 1) friendships are built on honesty 2) if I were his girlfriend, I wouldn't like him communicating daily with someone he used to date, even if for a short time.
did i misinterpret something?

I don’t understand your point here. Does it seem to you like I am trying to make you look bad in effort to discredit your point? As if I’m not tackling the specific issues about what you’re saying that don’t add up to me…..but attacking you instead? Because I’m pretty sure I’m only attacking specifically the things that don’t add up. I’m being snarky, but I’m still only sticking directly to what I have a problem with.
if you would just be using it as a verbal tactics and doing so consciously that wouldn't be as bad, but based on what you and a couple of others have said here, your using the ad hominem much earlier, questioning the credibility of the source rather then the argument itself within the stage where your examining the argument in your head.

as for the rest of your post - yes, i am sorry for the misunderstanding, but i do in fact happen to know what i was thinking and what i meant, and no, i never meant that INFJs took delight in doorslamming but that INFJs are supportive of each other's doorslamming.

there's exactly one thing i am assuming or 'projecting' in the doorslamming stories - that you decided to block off communication so you can not listen or hear the other side once its done. otherwise i don't consider it a doorslam.
 

Esoteric Wench

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[Y]ou decided to block off communication so you can not listen or hear the other side once its done.

^^^^^^^^
I've gotta say that the way [MENTION=15291]Mane[/MENTION] worded this reminded me of what really bothers me about doorslamming. I understand that cutting off contact may be a natural and valid choice if you're an INFJ. And that for the doorslamming INFJ it always seems like there is a valid reason.

But doorslamming still seems so unilateral. It's inherently selfish. And frankly, it oftentimes seems shortsighted.

Maybe it's a P/J thing. But the idea of permanently cutting off one's options with another person (which is what doorslamming is all about) just feels offensive to me.
 

SilkRoad

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^^^^^^^^
I've gotta say that the way [MENTION=15291]Mane[/MENTION] worded this reminded me of what really bothers me about doorslamming. I understand that cutting off contact may be a natural and valid choice if you're an INFJ. And that for the doorslamming INFJ it always seems like there is a valid reason.

But doorslamming still seems so unilateral. It's inherently selfish. And frankly, it oftentimes seems shortsighted.

Maybe it's a P/J thing. But the idea of permanently cutting off one's options with another person (which is what doorslamming is all about) just feels offensive to me.

Why is there an assumption that it is always worthwhile to keep your options open with other people? I completely don't get that.

Realising that some people are not worth (to me) having in my life has been a good thing for me. These people are a waste of space in my life and I am better off without them taking up that room.

Ask someone like [MENTION=6109]Halla74[/MENTION]. He's an ESTP and he's told me several times on this forum to divest myself of human deadweight in my life!

Here's a question: do you think it's right to force a person to stay in a relationship (whatever its nature) that they no longer want to be in and that they may have put considerable effort into already - only to have things damaged beyond repair, or to receive confirmation that you and the other person will never agree on the parameters of the relationship?

Some people are users, emotional vampires, individuals who will never be satisfied until their unreasonable and violating demands are satisfied, people who assume that you will be happy with whatever spin THEY choose to put on the relationship...etc.

I've read nothing in this thread that has convinced me that keeping such people around indefinitely, and listening to their arguments indefinitely, is the right thing to do.
 

SilkRoad

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i was working with the information i had:

did i misinterpret something?

Right. I thought you were referring to a longer-term relationship Fidelia has discussed on this forum and also referred to in this thread (an ESTJ.) My mistake.

However, I would still contend that you read enormously into the information that she provided about the above "doorslam". Saying "well, INFJs tend to lie by omission, so obviously you did exactly that thing here"...with all due respect, what the hell kind of argument is that?
 

Esoteric Wench

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Why is there an assumption that it is always worthwhile to keep your options open with other people? I completely don't get that.

Realising that some people are not worth (to me) having in my life has been a good thing for me. These people are a waste of space in my life and I am better off without them taking up that room.

Ask someone like [MENTION=6109]Halla74[/MENTION]. He's an ESTP and he's told me several times on this forum to divest myself of human deadweight in my life!

Here's a question: do you think it's right to force a person to stay in a relationship (whatever its nature) that they no longer want to be in and that they may have put considerable effort into already - only to have things damaged beyond repair, or to receive confirmation that you and the other person will never agree on the parameters of the relationship?

No. Of course not. I guess what I'm saying is that even when I do cut the human deadweight out of my life (which I sometimes do) my own actions feel offensive to me on some level. I really think it's a P/J thing. I just can't stand cutting off my options. Even if I decide to not talk to someone anymore, I know in my head that I have the option to change my mind later. That flexibility gives me peace. I think it's just the opposite for an INFJ who needs to feel a sense of closure and permanency in their relationships. Perhaps the idea of keeping a little window open for future interaction with a doorslammed person seems equally as uncomfortable.
 

SilkRoad

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No. Of course not. I guess what I'm saying is that even when I do cut the human deadweight out of my life (which I sometimes do) my own actions feel offensive to me on some level. I really think it's a P/J thing. I just can't stand cutting off my options. Even if I decide to not talk to someone anymore, I know in my head that I have the option to change my mind later. That flexibility gives me peace. I think it's just the opposite for an INFJ who needs to feel a sense of closure and permanency in their relationships. Perhaps the idea of keeping a little window open for future interaction with a doorslammed person seems equally as uncomfortable.

I suppose that is partly a P/J thing. I am not a huge fan of keeping my options open, or at least it's not something I prioritize.

I move on from people with enormous difficulty and pain, even if all indications are that it's the right thing to do. But when I have finally moved on it's unusual for me to "want them back". It is then over, in general.

I really don't like the assumption that comes and goes through this thread that INFJs do this easily or with pleasure. When I've "doorslammed" or even gradually quietly phased someone out, I've had extreme painful sadness and anger (generally, both at myself and them), episodes of depression, physical nausea and inability to eat for days on end, recurring dreams about the person (sometimes for years), and lingering sadness and feelings of loss, often for years. That sound like something we do for fun, to you?
 
S

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I really don't like the assumption that comes and goes through this thread that INFJs do this easily or with pleasure.
nobody's assuming that.

Realising that some people are not worth (to me) having in my life has been a good thing for me. These people are a waste of space in my life and I am better off without them taking up that room.

except the moment you decided to block off the other person's side, your "realization" is not only based on limited information but is based on your choice to limit your own information. the reality is that it may be the truth - that they may really not be worthwhile - but whatever the truth is you decided - by the very nature of the doorslam - that your not willing to let yourself ever find out.

and no, i don't believe its fine to "force it", just like i don't believe it's ok to force the growing minority (at least in the 90's) in south africa who believe HIV is a white man's conspirecy to limit their population to wear condoms or get themselves checked for HIV. it's not ok to force it, but having the understanding that they are hurting themselves and their loved ones i'm sure as hell going to speak up against it.


However, I would still contend that you read enormously into the information that she provided about the above "doorslam". Saying "well, INFJs tend to lie by omission, so obviously you did exactly that thing here"...with all due respect, what the hell kind of argument is that?
one against hypocritical judgement?
 

SilkRoad

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except the moment you decided to block off the other person's side, your "realization" is not only based on limited information but is based on your choice to limit your own information. the reality is that it may be the truth - that they may really not be worthwhile - but whatever the truth is you decided - by the very nature of the doorslam - that your not willing to let yourself ever find out.

I don't think you're ever going to acknowledge that up until the time of the doorslam, the INFJ (or whoever) may have put in enormous effort already to see the other person's side and to work with them. And that the failure of such efforts will have contributed to the eventual end of the relationship.

I'm really starting to see why your INFJ doorslammed you. Cheers.
 
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I don't think you're ever going to acknowledge that up until the time of the doorslam, the INFJ (or whoever) may have put in enormous effort already to see the other person's side and to work with them. And that the failure of such efforts will have contributed to the eventual end of the relationship.
i do, i also see it as ireleavent - there are many factors that limit the thoughts one can have or express within a relationship, not the least of which is the wiggling of the door and the eggshells one has to walk on. the moment you decided to block post-mortem insight into what happened into the relationship, you are still making a choice to function on limited information.

basically, this is what a doorslam is:
the-three-monkeys.jpg


and there's never any wisdom in doing that.
 

SilkRoad

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i do, i also see it as ireleavent - there are many factors that limit the thoughts one can have or express within a relationship, not the least of which is the wiggling of the door and the eggshells one has to walk on. the moment you decided to block post-mortem insight into what happened into the relationship, you are still making a choice to function on limited information.

Well, I guess you should just give up your INFJ obsession in that case...we're obviously a lost cause, as so many of us don't agree with your approach and your efforts to set yourself up as Messiah to the deluded INFJs are not working out too well.
 
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Well, I guess you should just give up your INFJ obsession in that case...we're obviously a lost cause, as so many of us don't agree with your approach and your efforts to set yourself up as Messiah to the deluded INFJs are not working out too well.
rofl, there's so many redicules presumptions in that post...

first, the goal - your trying to shut me up - as if me shutting up would make what i say any less reasonable.

second, your projecting your own attiude on the entire personality type. INFJs are capable of being reasonable people, as well as true indeviduals, and as such, it's perfectly understandable and even expected that INFJs and doorslammers of all types who are capable of questioning their own decisions might not feel comfortable saying it out loud when there's a mob defensive reaction in the name of "their own side".

third, your assuming i am expressing my thoughts and making my points in order to "save you"... really, where would that be coming from? does anything about me say "idealist" to you? i am not speaking my mind in order to "save you" any more then you are speaking your mind in order to "save me from the foolishness of listening to the other side after i have a conflict in a relationships".

also, i would be grateful if you can keep it civil and avoid snide remarks about my marriage unless they are backedup with actual insight. there's already a member of this little INFJ front who has degraded herself into trolling outside of this thread, if you want to stand in defense of INFJ doorslammers you might consider trying to do so with dignity.
 

SilkRoad

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Reasonable? I find your assumption that all INFJs are always wrong and acting abusively when they take this course of action pretty offensive, actually. Do you have some omniscient perspective that we're not aware of?

It's also extremely offensive that you assume we don't introspect and question our own decisions. How on earth can you assume this about me or anyone in this thread? You really see no signs of introspection and soul-searching here? Wow. I haven't heard that ENTPs are renowned for that.

and no, i don't believe its fine to "force it", just like i don't believe it's ok to force the growing minority (at least in the 90's) in south africa who believe HIV is a white man's conspirecy to limit their population to wear condoms or get themselves checked for HIV. it's not ok to force it, but having the understanding that they are hurting themselves and their loved ones i'm sure as hell going to speak up against it.

Trying to save us from ourselves, much? Do you not see this?
 
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Reasonable? I find your assumption that all INFJs are always wrong and acting abusively when they take this course of action pretty offensive, actually.
reasonable as in i have showed the lines of reason behind it, reasonable has nothing to do with how you feel when you hear it.

i would feel like crap if people told me something i've done to people i cared about was abusive too, and i might try to defend my actions, but if the line of reasoning is sound and all i have left is to attack the person's motive in saying it, then thankfully i have the capacity to question myself and recognize where i did mistakes even when it feels like crap.
 

SilkRoad

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reasonable as in i have showed the lines of reason behind it, reasonable has nothing to do with how you feel about it.

i would feel like crap if people told me something i've done to people i cared about was abusive too, and i might try to defend my actions, but if the line of reasoning is sound and all i have left is to attack the person's motive in saying it, then thankfully i have the capacity to question myself and recognize where i did mistakes even when it feels like crap.

On what basis are you saying that your line of reasoning is sound?

I haven't seen any evidence in you of self-examination in your issues with INFJs, any questioning of your own role and very little acknowledgement of mistakes that you made. Just a blanket attempt to tell us ALL (or almost all) where we're always going wrong in these situations.
 
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How on earth can you assume this about me or anyone in this thread?

because your making a decision to limit the amount of information you can work with, you might question yourself but when you say no to a direction of potential answers - the person you doorslammed - you are forcing yourself into a very short-sighted degree of self doubt.

I haven't seen any evidence in you of self-examination in your issues with INFJs, any questioning of your own role and very little acknowledgement of mistakes that you made. Just a blanket attempt to tell us ALL (or almost all) where we're always going wrong in these situations.

have you even read my first post here? 99% of it is a derivative of self-examination, acknowledging my mistakes and questioning the reasons i've done them...

On what basis are you saying that your line of reasoning is sound?
should i repeat all i've said here?
 
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