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[INFJ] When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

Billy

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I love my INFJ friends. But I've noticed that some of them have a tendency to overly rely on doorslamming people when things get a bit uncomfortable.

For example, one of my INFJ friends unfriended me and blocked me on facebook when I sent her a note asking if she was OK because she had posted a profile picture of a bleeding wrist. (Then out of the blue, eight months later, she sends me a friend request.)

I don't get it. Maybe I'm too extraverted, too perceiving, or too Te (I'm only barely F so my extraverted thinking is pretty darn strong), but this seems like an unproductive, and in the extreme, self-sabotaging behavior. It's also hurt my feelings more than once. The INFJ seems to just need to shut me out while they sort through things on their own.

I was wondering if anyone else had experienced this dynamic with INFJs and if they'd share their perspectives. Also, for those INFJs out there, I'd appreciate you helping me understand what might be going on. I read people very well. I understand where INFJs are coming from intuitively without even trying... except for the doorslamming. I just don't get it. It completely baffles me. :shock:

Also, I'd appreciate suggestions on the best way to be a good friend to the doorslamming INFJ, while also taking care of my own needs to not feel abandoned by my INFJ friends.

you may be able to understand a lot, but I am beginning to think that INFJs are not understandable. I have door slammed lots of people, im doing it to 3 people right now. It basically boils down to how much tolerance I have and am able to muster to pretend I am anything but annoyed by the relationship. I usually only doorslam people when they hurt me, i go out of my way to live a life where I am not a threatening person and I am super easy to talk to, so people dont usually have an ability to hurt me, when they do, they get door slammed. I typically only door slam out of betrayal of some type.

How to talk to an INFJ who is doorslamming you? I dont know... usually you cant. My guess would be to use a 3rd person who is not in the middle of being shut out to act as an emissary. I have been in this situation before and the 3rd person really helped me to see that i was acting stupid and made me feel like i was overacting with the doorslam.
 

entropie

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I had countless arguements and fights with my infj and we dorrslammed each other every time. She's very hardcore when it comes to such things, she changed her telephone number, one time she even moved to a new appartment. Then again she's hardcore in everything she does, it's a gift sometimes but most times its more a curse to her.

I tho unintentionally did a thing, none of the countless friends who came before me ever did, after we argued. I never stalked her. I am more of the intentional drama queen and I am very proud and once I made up my mind in anger, I hardly deviate from my decision.

The only thing that helps then is, when the other party comes back on her own and starts to seek the conversation with me to clear things out, then I'll dumb my decision in an instant. So I am very stubborn.

And thats basically how it worked, we are together for 5 years now and the longest relationships we had before that were 3 months for her and 8 months for me. And in the first 2 years we disbanded more than 10 times in heavy arguements. And every time it was she who came back, tho it wasnt necessary all the time cause I was in the wrong with many arguements I had too.

But that way we got to know each other in a deep way in which I have never known a person before. Her sensitive streak and emotional nature enable her to see the world in such a different way than I do and its a relief, a point of refuge for my own soul to join in with her. I on the other hand serve as a stabilizer to her, as a point of refuge she can turn to too, if she feels left alone in the real world.

I have no real advice on how to deal with all INFJs, but in my special case the most important thing is not to try to change her in any way. She'll change herself, cause she will notice what you noticed, INFJs can be very wise people and have tho being sometimes stubborn Js the ability to see thru other peoples eyes.

And infjs are ultimatively sensitive, like I am too tho. They can get pissed at things you never knew that this would piss her off and they dont tell you. Therefore getting to know them by listening to them or in dialogue is imperative. They dont really need someone to tell them anything or to always be nice and fluffy to them, you actually can get very far, if not the farthest by just being there for them in all times.

And in case of failure send back to company for your 12 month warranty to be fulfilled :)
 
P

Phantonym

Guest
I have no real advice on how to deal with all INFJs, but in my special case the most important thing is not to try to change her in any way. She'll change herself, cause she will notice what you noticed, INFJs can be very wise people and have tho being sometimes stubborn Js the ability to see thru other peoples eyes.

And infjs are ultimatively sensitive, like I am too tho. They can get pissed at things you never knew that this would piss her off and they dont tell you. Therefore getting to know them by listening to them or in dialogue is imperative. They dont really need someone to tell them anything or to always be nice and fluffy to them, you actually can get very far, if not the farthest by just being there for them in all times.

Well said. :)
 

Lux

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I have no real advice on how to deal with all INFJs, but in my special case the most important thing is not to try to change her in any way. She'll change herself, cause she will notice what you noticed, INFJs can be very wise people and have tho being sometimes stubborn Js the ability to see thru other peoples eyes.

And infjs are ultimatively sensitive, like I am too tho. They can get pissed at things you never knew that this would piss her off and they dont tell you. Therefore getting to know them by listening to them or in dialogue is imperative. They dont really need someone to tell them anything or to always be nice and fluffy to them, you actually can get very far, if not the farthest by just being there for them in all times.

+ 2
Very well said, entropie.
 

Z Buck McFate

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^I really like the parts of entropie's post that Lux bolded.

If I understand cascadeco and Buck right, it seems that I too think the same way. From time to time, I will withdraw from some friend / bunch of people because I feel that the boundaries need to be well-defined. I'll constantly think, 'who am I FOR you?' or is it 'Who am I TO you?'

Am I just a convenient Big Listening Ear? Am I "just a weekend friend"? Am I just someone you pull along when you need company?

I need to know what is expected of me and whether I am willing to deliver that on my own terms and not have it squeezed/weaselled out of me.

Hope I make sense.

I can’t speak for casc., but yeah- I find it too distracting if I can’t figure out where I stand with someone. I can’t stand feeling like the balance of respect might be off. That’s why I need to feel on the same page.

Ni feels kind of like echolocution: I need all the little signals that come back to match what I think of the friendship (or whatever the relationship is). If they don’t, then dealing with the person regularly is too much of a distraction because I instinctively pay more attention to the signals until something makes sense. And invariably- for me- a doorslam is because too many contradictory signals have begun to surface and I can’t handle the distraction. It’s hard to explain, it’s just kind of like having so much white noise going on in my head that it interferes with other aspects of my life. Or like a computer that’s gotten really slow because the memory is being hogged up; doorslamming someone is like freeing up a big chunk of ram.

It isn't that it's the 'comfortable' or easiest way for me to deal with it. In fact, I'm seriously uncomfortable with doorslamming. It's a matter of needing to be able to think clearly again, and knowing that I won't be able to until the white-noisy distraction has been removed.

And like what entropie said about his girlfriend- I'm actually really good at owning when I was wrong about something (and figuring out on my own that I was wrong). Sometimes I just need to get away from someone for a while to process the stuff in my head. People who can give me that space- without criticizing me for it- don't get doorslammed.
 

Z Buck McFate

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A more succinct and clear way of stating it has occurred to me. INFJ types doorslam when the amount of contradictory signals picked by Ni surpasses the rate at which we can process the information; it builds up like white noise and congests our ability to think clearly. Asking an INFJ to hurry up and process it- so they can tell you what the problem is- is akin to asking the average person to do long division in their head. We do the best we can.

If you get doorslammed, and the person is important to you, the best move you can make is to calmly state that you’d like to know what the problem is when the INFJ type is able to tell you. Pressuring the INFJ to tell you- as if they know, but aren’t willing to say- is likely to give the INFJ the impression that you don’t begin to understand and it’ll probably make the doorslam permanent. Simply stating that it’s important to you and that you’d like to know when the insight becomes available shows you believe we are doing the best we can- it’s a more respectful approach to take- and it’s far more likely we’ll respond positively to it.
 
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I usually just save myself the trouble by making friends with a nearby wall.

An infj and I were in the same general area when she called with her unknown number, so I didn't answer, and by the time she left her number with the 2nd call, I was 5 miles in the other direction. Ended up calling me a third time. Then I called her back to say that I was already too far and with another friend.

When I returned home, she'd left an email that told me she wasn't sure she wanted to hang out again and that I shouldn't bother to call back because she doesn't like phonecalls (?). I asked her why over aim. She said I did not pick up, so I told her that it had nothing to do with how I felt about our friendship. She must've had something really important to tell me. Oh well. I told her that if she didn't say hi to me again, then I'll assume that this is the end of the road. Any ideas what was going on here?

I didn't tell her that I don't appreciate being treated like an on-call servant, but did mention that it would have been cool if she'd given me proper notice that she wanted to do something before I left the house. Or at least had let me know what it was about over the phone.

And then I fell asleep with a book on the couch.
 

the state i am in

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I usually just save myself the trouble by making friends with a nearby wall.

An infj and I were in the same general area when she called with her unknown number, so I didn't answer, and by the time she left her number with the 2nd call, I was 5 miles in the other direction. Ended up calling me a third time. Then I called her back to say that I was already too far and with another friend.

When I returned home, she'd left an email that told me she wasn't sure she wanted to hang out again and that I shouldn't bother to call back because she doesn't like phonecalls (?). I asked her why over aim. She said I did not pick up, so I told her that it had nothing to do with how I felt about our friendship. She must've had something really important to tell me. Oh well. I told her that if she didn't say hi to me again, then I'll assume that this is the end of the road. Any ideas what was going on here?

I didn't tell her that I don't appreciate being treated like an on-call servant, but did mention that it would have been cool if she'd given me proper notice that she wanted to do something before I left the house. Or at least had let me know what it was about over the phone.

And then I fell asleep with a book on the couch.

an example of piss-poor infj communication combined with too much j and a bit of emotionally demanding i want what i want when i want it. i'm not proud to admit that sometimes i can do this, and that i need to talk some sense into myself at times. later i feel really embarrassed bc i realize how selfish i was being at the time, and that my judgments and rationalizations of the situation were really based on the imaginary rather than the real.
 
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an example of piss-poor infj communication combined with too much j and a bit of emotionally demanding i want what i want when i want it. i'm not proud to admit that sometimes i can do this, and that i need to talk some sense into myself at times. later i feel really embarrassed bc i realize how selfish i was being at the time, and that my judgments and rationalizations of the situation were really based on the imaginary rather than the real.

Is it common for infjs to act in such a way?

It definitely felt like out of balance friendship in a way, but also strangely comforting in its unusualness, as neither of us really knew what we were doing. We would ask each other if we were crazy or paranoid or above all pretty frequently. To me, walking around with her made me feel like I was the only guy in town and her the only girl, like everyone else partying around us were the dead ones just there for us like we were walking through a museum of the future. I felt like we had a shared understanding of basic philosophical principals, that life isn't just about living but taking in experiences, dissecting them to their basic atoms, taking that knowledge to make a impact without seeking anything in return, a step beyond simple compromise.
 

Z Buck McFate

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an example of piss-poor infj communication combined with too much j and a bit of emotionally demanding i want what i want when i want it. i'm not proud to admit that sometimes i can do this, and that i need to talk some sense into myself at times. later i feel really embarrassed bc i realize how selfish i was being at the time, and that my judgments and rationalizations of the situation were really based on the imaginary rather than the real.

Oh snap. But yeah. Sometimes this is my immediate reaction to not getting what I want. And I don’t know how common it is for the type, but I know my irl INFJ friends do it as well. It’s always embarrassing when I realize it. state’s being about as honest as it gets in describing it.

When I returned home, she'd left an email that told me she wasn't sure she wanted to hang out again and that I shouldn't bother to call back because she doesn't like phonecalls (?).

This does kinda sound like an example of it. For what it’s worth, there was just a thread where a bunch of us point out that we only spew the embarrassing raw, unfinished emotional crap at people we trust.

edit: It's also worth pointing out that the stuff we say while immediately upset isn't anywhere as reliable as the stuff we say after we've had some time to reflect on it.
 

the state i am in

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Is it common for infjs to act in such a way?

It definitely felt like out of balance friendship in a way, but also strangely comforting in its unusualness, as neither of us really knew what we were doing. We would ask each other if we were crazy or paranoid or above all pretty frequently. To me, walking around with her made me feel like I was the only guy in town and her the only girl, like everyone else partying around us were the dead ones just there for us like we were walking through a museum of the future. I felt like we had a shared understanding of basic philosophical principals, that life isn't just about living but taking in experiences, dissecting them to their basic atoms, taking that knowledge to make a impact without seeking anything in return, a step beyond simple compromise.

i wouldn't say common, but it happens. i'm guessing she's an sx/sp. our attention can be very complete and engrossing. but we're not that good at hearing the whole social wavelength, so we might misread situations very badly. sx people--we're much more used to hearing what we want rather than listening to what others are saying to us. this is especially true of sx/sp, which is either wanting or withdrawing.

in other words, something can feel like a violation to us (because we are so focused on what we want/need/deserve) when in reality we are just making unreasonable demands and need to fucking grow up and take responsibility for ourselves. i know i've needed very sensitive guidance to help me see this, because the feedback doesn't mean that much/can be rejected as hostile or wrong unless the person has won your trust.
 

Starry

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Hello All,‎

It’s strange. I’ve been reading here for so long (attempting to understand an INFJ friend’s ‎behavior) that I feel I know some of you. This is, however, my first post.‎
And I’m quite sure I’m doing this incorrectly. I’m sure I should be introducing myself first ‎somewhere – in some other part of the forum. But I feel a little pressed for time.‎

In other words, this thread became active again and I should quickly ask about my situation ‎while others may still be interested in responding.‎

I’ve experienced a ‘different kind’ of INFJ doorslam. Or at least a version that I haven’t found ‎an example of anywhere.‎

My INFJ doorslammed me for something he thought I did (but didn’t do). And since I knew the ‎truth would eventually come out I just waited. Yet when I could tell from his behavior that he ‎finally ‘got’ that I was innocent…nothing really changed.‎

In other words, I’m still shut-out…it is now in just a ‘less aggressive way’. I actually don’t ‎know how to describe what I’m experiencing…and it is late in my little corner of the world.‎

I understand he is embarrassed and ashamed…and believe me…I was pissed. But I’m ENFP. I ‎honestly can’t be pissed for all that long. And we are all humans…we are going to screw up and ‎hurt the ones we love.‎

I’ve tried to reach out to him…and nothing – no response. I just keep wondering…am I going to ‎lose one of individuals I treasure most in this world because he is embarrassed about his ‎behavior?‎
Should I be doing something else to get him to ‘let go’ of all of this pain and get back to being ‎friends? I would be so grateful for any advice. Thank you all so much.‎


‎ ‎
 
Last edited:

Quiet

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I think some young INFJs tend to doorslam as a way of avoiding actually dealing with conflict or dealing with something painful (in this case the bleeding wrist thing and what it might mean). This is terribly unproductive. The friends request several months later probably is a result of her continuing to mull over her behaviour and decide that you actually cared and had her best interests at heart.

I think all you can do is make sure that someone like that knows that you care very much for them and that you will be there without judgement. I think one of the biggest fears of some INFJs is that people will judge them based on insufficient information and they cannot deal with being unfairly rejected. You may have noticed that INFJs often have different levels of disclosure depending on who they are dealing with (and therefore they may appear very differently to people). If they feel they've let someone in too far and the person has either displayed signs of untrustworthiness (or in this case the INFJ is scared that they know too much and it is uncomfortable), they may move them back a couple of notches. I think this is what she did in a much more tangible level, until she could bear to talk about it more with you. If you are able to see right into her emotions and thoughts before she is ready to talk about them, it's possible that she only will want you around in fits and starts. That's not particularly conducive to a friendship, but I think over time as you prove your trustworthiness, that will happen less. Just be there, don't get too upset and make sure she knows you care for her. Then go on with life till she's ready to come back and talk.

That's my 2 cents anyway!

This is totally true.

In some cases, it's just a question of too much stress going on in life, and we need absolute peace and quiet to manage our difficult times. Even friendly interractions might not be possible, and we INFJ's feel guilty and uncomfortable even more so, if we have to put on faulse pretenses just to touch base. We would rather just get our stuff over with, then get back to friendships when we're able. But, usually we will drop you little "hello's" along the way (Fe) is possible.
 

Vasilisa

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Hi StarryKnights. Sorry about this sad series of events that have happened to you. I think it is beautiful that you forgive your friend and think he is special enough to let back into your life. As a doorslammin' prone INFJ, that is remarkable to me.

If your INFJ friend is like me, I see a possibility that he feels burdened, not only by what he allowed to transpire, but the prospect of your expectations (or what he perceives them to be). This is difficult for me to explain, but sometimes I feel so burdened by what I think I ought to be providing to people and my own failure to do it right that I freeze and just withdraw. Its strange and it happens over things that are quite small. Thought process: "Oh, I neglected to send someone that correspondence that I meant to send, well, now its too late, I've screwed up and its so shameful and rather than make some pathetic excuse which they will reject, I won't write them, they probably don't think of me anyway" Sadly, I think it is my perfectionist tendency manifesting in a unhealthy way. :( So, if your INFJ friend is coming from this same frame of mind, I think you have the right idea on how to reach him. I'm not sure how you have reached out thus far, but the "let bygones be bygones" approach might do the trick. I would let him know how much he means to you. Not sure why, but sometimes we have a weak concept of how much we mean to others. If you could let him know that and then carry on as things were before, without any heavy melodrama or drawn out confrontation, he might come around. Then maybe in time he will be able to give you the apology you deserve. In a way it is a bit like coaxing a shy animal. If you have the patience and love to do all this, bless you, you are an amazing friend.
 

ElizaJane

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Hi StarryKnights, hope to be some sort of help on this one. Once I make a decision, I don't like to go back on it. I feel like it's weak and fickle. Of course, it doesn't make sense to feel that way if you're wrong to begin with, but those feelings happen anyway. And it takes some sort of wall-breaking event to get things back to normal, like having a several beers together or something... but it sounds like your INFJ's wall is still there. Once it comes down, I think things will be so much better. Getting it to come down really does need some sort of "event" though.

I've shut a few people out permanently in the past, and I still feel guilty. Once it was unjust, and once it was well deserved.:devil: But I wouldn't be able to make things "normal" with either person very easily. Not impossible though under the right circumstances.
 

Quiet

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Hello All,‎

It’s strange. I’ve been reading here for so long (attempting to understand an INFJ friend’s ‎behavior) that I feel I know some of you. This is, however, my first post.‎
And I’m quite sure I’m doing this incorrectly. I’m sure I should be introducing myself first ‎somewhere – in some other part of the forum. But I feel a little pressed for time.‎

In other words, this thread became active again and I should quickly ask about my situation ‎while others may still be interested in responding.‎

I’ve experienced a ‘different kind’ of INFJ doorslam. Or at least a version that I haven’t found ‎an example of anywhere.‎

My INFJ doorslammed me for something he thought I did (but didn’t do). And since I knew the ‎truth would eventually come out I just waited. Yet when I could tell from his behavior that he ‎finally ‘got’ that I was innocent…nothing really changed.‎

In other words, I’m still shut-out…it is now in just a ‘less aggressive way’. I actually don’t ‎know how to describe what I’m experiencing…and it is late in my little corner of the world.‎

I understand he is embarrassed and ashamed…and believe me…I was pissed. But I’m ENFP. I ‎honestly can’t be pissed for all that long. And we are all humans…we are going to screw up and ‎hurt the ones we love.‎

I’ve tried to reach out to him…and nothing – no response. I just keep wondering…am I going to ‎lose one of individuals I treasure most in this world because he is embarrassed about his ‎behavior?‎
Should I be doing something else to get him to ‘let go’ of all of this pain and get back to being ‎friends? I would be so grateful for any advice. Thank you all so much.‎


‎ ‎

Give your friend some time to reflect. A couple of days maybe would be ok, then do a gentle check in without any pressure. Test the waters of his reaction, and let him know that he's still important and special to you. Don't display anything that will have him feeling fresh guilt, as it will overwealm him and despite it not sounding very fair, let things be on his terms and have this concept known without words, if that makes any sense.
 

Starry

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Hi StarryKnights. Sorry about this sad series of events that have happened to you. I think it is beautiful that you forgive your friend and think he is special enough to let back into your life. As a doorslammin' prone INFJ, that is remarkable to me.

If your INFJ friend is like me, I see a possibility that he feels burdened, not only by what he allowed to transpire, but the prospect of your expectations (or what he perceives them to be). This is difficult for me to explain, but sometimes I feel so burdened by what I think I ought to be providing to people and my own failure to do it right that I freeze and just withdraw. Its strange and it happens over things that are quite small. Thought process: "Oh, I neglected to send someone that correspondence that I meant to send, well, now its too late, I've screwed up and its so shameful and rather than make some pathetic excuse which they will reject, I won't write them, they probably don't think of me anyway" Sadly, I think it is my perfectionist tendency manifesting in a unhealthy way. :( So, if your INFJ friend is coming from this same frame of mind, I think you have the right idea on how to reach him. I'm not sure how you have reached out thus far, but the "let bygones be bygones" approach might do the trick. I would let him know how much he means to you. Not sure why, but sometimes we have a weak concept of how much we mean to others. If you could let him know that and then carry on as things were before, without any heavy melodrama or drawn out confrontation, he might come around. Then maybe in time he will be able to give you the apology you deserve. In a way it is a bit like coaxing a shy animal. If you have the patience and love to do all this, bless you, you are an amazing friend.

Hello Vasilisa – thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my concerns.‎
You are actually one of the individuals I referred to in my original message as I have turned to ‎the wisdom and insights you have provided in these threads many times in order to better ‎understand the INFJ in my life. There is elegance in the way you communicate that helps me ‎absorb ‘the message’ with great ease. I truly appreciate it as I’m sure so many others do.‎

Forgiving my INFJ is actually easy in the sense that he is good to the core. I am having to ‎‎‘learn him’. I am having tap into my intuition more than I ever have in order to understand ‎all of what he doesn’t say (and when that fails I come here). Alright… sometimes he has ‎me wanting to pull my hair out. But in a strange way I can’t take credit for possessing an ‎ability to forgive him – that goes to him. I’m not sure if that makes any real sense - yet at ‎the same time I believe many others may feel the same way about their INFJ friends, ‎lovers, children, etc. It is not easy being so gentle in such a harsh world. And on occasion ‎there will be a behavior that reflects how seriously painful it can be (I’ve done my fair share ‎of doorslammin too). It is a relief to be friends with someone that I know would never ‎intentionally and/or consciously try to hurt me.‎

I understood the first doorslam as need to protect himself from the pain of a perceived ‎disappointment. But no reason I could come up with myself, via the reading of countless ‎threads, ‘felt right’ when attempting to understand why he continues to keep me shut-‎out…until what you wrote. He really thinks he failed me and in that way feels he has failed ‎himself too. Which I am not making light of…but with regards to me it is crazy thinking. He ‎has not failed me in any way. Now if only I can find a way to express that without using the ‎word ‘crazy’ ;)‎

I just wanted to say that I shut people out all the time merely because I am overwhelmed ‎with life and feel I’m starting to ‘slip-up and slide with regards to my friendship duties’. In ‎my past I didn’t make excuses…but rather outright lies (tall tales) to explain my ‎distance…as I was always so embarrassed and thought it would seem disgustingly self-‎absorbed and thus extremely hurtful to say ‘oh no, I just forgot to call you on your birthday ‎because I often cannot manage my feelings in this world.’ Huh? Anyway, I don’t have such ‎a pronounced perfectionist streak but I can completely relate to what you are saying in my ‎own way. I really feel this may be the missing link for me.‎

Thank you so very much for writing. Thank you, thank you, thank you.‎
 

Starry

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Hi StarryKnights, hope to be some sort of help on this one. Once I make a decision, I don't like to go back on it. I feel like it's weak and fickle. Of course, it doesn't make sense to feel that way if you're wrong to begin with, but those feelings happen anyway. And it takes some sort of wall-breaking event to get things back to normal, like having a several beers together or something... but it sounds like your INFJ's wall is still there. Once it comes down, I think things will be so much better. Getting it to come down really does need some sort of "event" though.

I've shut a few people out permanently in the past, and I still feel guilty. Once it was unjust, and once it was well deserved.:devil: But I wouldn't be able to make things "normal" with either person very easily. Not impossible though under the right circumstances.

Hello ElizaJane! I love what you wrote. And I truly understand what you are saying and ‎feel it to be brilliant on your part to bring up the need to ‘clear the air’ with an event rather ‎than a long, boring, sometimes counterproductive discussion about ‘feelings’ (while ‎remaining mindful to use only ‘I’ language of course).‎

I have to admit, though, I’m laughing to myself - which is actually really great! (please play along ‎with me). Eliza…do you know any ENFPs in real life?‎

When I think of ‘wall-breaking’ event I think how beautiful that would work with an ‎INFJ…and say ISFJ, ISFP, INTJ, etc. possibly even ENFJ.‎

As an ENFP…I often worry that every event my INFJ experiences with me is ‘wall-‎breaking’. ‎
‎(I usually don’t drink a bunch either as I am then not only prone to breaking walls ‎figuratively…but literally as well).‎

Thank you so much for this response. I really needed to be uplifted and this made me very ‎happy. But it also gives me a lot to think about. As an ENFP, how can I gently take down a ‎wall (which will probably be experienced as wall breaking to him). ‎
 

Starry

Active member
Joined
May 22, 2010
Messages
6,103
Give your friend some time to reflect. A couple of days maybe would be ok, then do a gentle check in without any pressure. Test the waters of his reaction, and let him know that he's still important and special to you. Don't display anything that will have him feeling fresh guilt, as it will overwealm him and despite it not sounding very fair, let things be on his terms and have this concept known without words, if that makes any sense.

Thank you so much Quiet for this bit. It is scary having the feeling that one slight mistake and the relationship can take another terrible turn. I feel like a surgeon. Well, as ENFP, a surgeon that has had too much caffiene.

I am just going to have to trust that he will surprise me :hug:

I will remain very mindful of what you have written. I appreciate it so much.
 

Lady_X

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
18,235
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
784
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
yeah that was a really insightful post vasilisa. :)

i relate to that perfectionism and being ashamed when i fail myself...like not get that gift i wanted to get because i couldn't find the absolute perfect thing. i have well intended thoughts all the time about sweet things i want to do and don't even do half of them because i can't do it perfect....and then they just never know i even wanted to.
 
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