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[INFJ] When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

Raffaella

bon vivant
Joined
Jan 25, 2014
Messages
945
That's a laugh. How is avoiding others dealing with people?


No, I was just kidding and being self-deprecating.

I know that I'm awful at dealing with people so I just shut them out - which is the easiest thing for me to do. I used to do it heaps, these days I try and deal with it objectively (well as objectively as I can be, damn infantile Te). What I actually meant is that it's funny they made a phrase for it to explain the end of a friendship for INFJs when for the young and immature IxFPs, it's quite common and something that helps us "deal" with people (it obviously doesn't but it maintains our sanity).
 

Ivy

Strongly Ambivalent
Joined
Apr 18, 2007
Messages
23,989
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6
That's a laugh. How is avoiding others dealing with people?

In all seriousness, how is it not? I'm friends with people voluntarily, not out of obligation. I hope the people who call me friends do so because they want to, not because they feel obligated to me. If a relationship is not working, is draining my energy, and is causing me grief- sometimes the best way to deal with that is to end it. There is no rule that says we have to be friends with everyone.
 

Thessaly

I drink your milkshake.
Joined
Jun 5, 2009
Messages
1,363
MBTI Type
xNFP
Enneagram
3w4
I refuse to engage in arguments on the internet over semantics.
 
S

Society

Guest
There is no rule that says we have to be friends with everyone.

frankly that's a gross misunderstanding of the argument. no, nobody's claiming that you need to become friends with everyone and nobody's claiming you need to maintain being their friend or pretend to like them or being around them when you don't. the act of doorslamming is the total break of communication & accountability, the complete shutting out of their perspective. i have people for whom my sentiments can range from simply not enjoying their company to outright hate, there are people i don't care about at all and people who i enjoy but don't have a bond with. but the matter of their mental existence isn't an open question to be answered by whatever suited my needs, their existence is never on trial in the first place, regardless if they are my friends.


eta: for that matter i wouldn't call myself a friend of anyone who's existence was on trial in my head to began with.
 

Feline

New member
Joined
Jul 15, 2014
Messages
57
The infj doorslam. I've seen it executed by infjs both in very appropriate ways as well as unfairly harshly.

What amazes me most about the doorslam is that it really feels like a doorslam. It is a perfect metaphor. I have to believe in psychic connection, or in this case, disconnection, to make sense of it.
 

Feline

New member
Joined
Jul 15, 2014
Messages
57
I'm also guilty of not sharing with them why I choose not to associate myself with them anymore. If I don't want to let them back in then I don't see a reason to discuss with them why I am angry.

I think we all do this to some extent. Even without explanation. I guess what feels very unique to the infj doorslam is that it has a ring to it. Even if the infj disappears without word, you hear the doorslam. You know it and it's "FINAL". It's very interesting to me why that is. Haven't found the explanation yet.
 

Avocado

Permabanned
Joined
Jun 28, 2013
Messages
3,794
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
I think we all do this to some extent. Even without explanation. I guess what feels very unique to the infj doorslam is that it has a ring to it. Even if the infj disappears without word, you hear the doorslam. You know it and it's "FINAL". It's very interesting to me why that is. Haven't found the explanation yet.

Ni-Ti doorslam
Ne-Te hammer

Aren't they opposite?
 

Feline

New member
Joined
Jul 15, 2014
Messages
57
Ni-Ti doorslam
Ne-Te hammer

Aren't they opposite?

They sure sound different. They sound like different ways to deal with a problematic situation. What I meant is that many of us non-infjs will also close the door to certain people. In any case, I have done that. Over time, sometimes, you just make a decision to no longer seek someone out. Or sometimes, you simply protect yourself. One case I can think of self-protection was that I was afraid to respond to an ex-boyfriend. I was afraid to have feelings for him, even though I was the one that broke up the relationship. And my ex-boyfriend is a sweetie pie. So it was so sad to do it.

But I think that an infj door slam feels more "damming". And I think it has to do with the deeper connection that exists before it happens. Even when the doorslam is the result of a gradual process.
 

Feline

New member
Joined
Jul 15, 2014
Messages
57
I think we all do this to some extent. Even without explanation. I guess what feels very unique to the infj doorslam is that it has a ring to it. Even if the infj disappears without word, you hear the doorslam. You know it and it's "FINAL". It's very interesting to me why that is. Haven't found the explanation yet.

Actually no, it's not really a "ring". It's more like a sealed vault. But there is some kind of memo from the universe that accompanies it, so that you WILL know what happened. Maybe someone can expand on this metaphor better than I can.
 

Avocado

Permabanned
Joined
Jun 28, 2013
Messages
3,794
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ENFP
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sp/so
They sure sound different. They sound like different ways to deal with a problematic situation. What I meant is that many of us non-infjs will also close the door to certain people. In any case, I have done that. Over time, sometimes, you just make a decision to no longer seek someone out. Or sometimes, you simply protect yourself. One case I can think of self-protection was that I was afraid to respond to an ex-boyfriend. I was afraid to have feelings for him, even though I was the one that broke up the relationship. And my ex-boyfriend is a sweetie pie. So it was so sad to do it.

But I think that an infj door slam feels more "damming". And I think it has to do with the deeper connection that exists before it happens. Even when the doorslam is the result of a gradual process.

I understand.
 

Bizynastya

New member
Joined
Jul 19, 2016
Messages
2
Nuh-uh...I'm an ENFJ cousin and I have disassociated with people at a few points in time. Only once with someone I was good friends with at that moment...because of a whole bunch of reasons, but the easiest one to explain is that I caught her in a bunch of lies...so I basically told her I needed to distance myself from her...I was very honest and we still talk sometimes.

I despise door-slamming without explanation. It has happened to me once and I was all WTF? I find that door-slammers expect you to read their minds, "You should have known I would be mad if..." Which is not reasonable. You can slam the door on me once. The second time, I will not be comming back in. I know it is hard to express negative feelings at times (I am the queen of licking my wounds when I am hurt, but I eventually know I have to talk about things becuase NO ONE CAN READ MY MIND). I always remind myself that I have to give people a chance to succeed and the opportunity to give me what I need. If I don't express what that is, then me not getting what I need from a person is no one's fault but my own.

I am an INfJ and my best friend is an ENFJ. I struggle with this problem. It's difficult to confront when I can't grasp the whole situation(when there's tension in relationship). I need to make sense of the problem that I'm feeling. **She makes me feel so and so and it makes me angry when she so and so*** Am I wrong for feeling this way. Is there a lack of boundaries on my part and my inability to say no that permit certain behavior. Or am being difficult. So I start to set boundaries in ways I know how. Which honestly backfires because she knows something is wrong. She asks me because I am being weird and not myself and tell her that I'm just dealing with things. I can tell it's not making anything better , just like you said in this comment that she's not a mind reader. It's hard to find the right words to know how to confront. And what is it I confront.
It's funny because we've gone through this before. Many times she has told me that she can't read my mind haha. And I've told her what I've needed from her. But somehow, both of us are in the same place we were before. It might be that I've been too flexible and inconsistent with what I've needed. I don't know.
 

Bizynastya

New member
Joined
Jul 19, 2016
Messages
2
In all seriousness, how is it not? I'm friends with people voluntarily, not out of obligation. I hope the people who call me friends do so because they want to, not because they feel obligated to me. If a relationship is not working, is draining my energy, and is causing me grief- sometimes the best way to deal with that is to end it. There is no rule that says we have to be friends with everyone.

I agree you need to end relationships if they are draining you rather being an addition to your life. In some instances though,(depending on situation) it can also mean you just are avoiding confrontation, you are afraid of dealing with an issue(being conflict adverse), finding out that you have actually been hurting them in some way(which means you have to swallow your pride and be teachable), you have to get vulnerable. Just walking away is the easy way out . But confrontations also keeps your relationships from being SURFACE RELATIONSHIPS. Real relationships are birthed under pressure Tested friendships. Nothing is easy. No relationship is easy 100% of the time.
 

highlander

Administrator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 23, 2009
Messages
26,559
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INTJ
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sx/sp
I am an INfJ and my best friend is an ENFJ. I struggle with this problem. It's difficult to confront when I can't grasp the whole situation(when there's tension in relationship). I need to make sense of the problem that I'm feeling. **She makes me feel so and so and it makes me angry when she so and so*** Am I wrong for feeling this way. Is there a lack of boundaries on my part and my inability to say no that permit certain behavior. Or am being difficult. So I start to set boundaries in ways I know how. Which honestly backfires because she knows something is wrong. She asks me because I am being weird and not myself and tell her that I'm just dealing with things. I can tell it's not making anything better , just like you said in this comment that she's not a mind reader. It's hard to find the right words to know how to confront. And what is it I confront.
It's funny because we've gone through this before. Many times she has told me that she can't read my mind haha. And I've told her what I've needed from her. But somehow, both of us are in the same place we were before. It might be that I've been too flexible and inconsistent with what I've needed. I don't know.

I think it's helpful for people to get feedback in the moment. It's sort of like when you discipline a dog, you need to do it right away. They don't remember they ate up the carpet or pooped on the floor three hours ago. People are sort of the same in a way. I think what makes it harder for INFJs is they take longer to process their emotions and responses to things so it might be harder for them to give that kind of quick feedback and as a result, people don't adjust their responses.
 

ktk1995

New member
Joined
Sep 19, 2018
Messages
5
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INFJ
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2w1
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sp
This behavior wasn't fair for you. You were only trying to show her love and support, which she must have been looking for by posting the picture in the first place. I hope that your friend is doing better and feeling better. This behavior was clearly not from a healthy standpoint.
This is my own perspective, but I have fully door slammed maybe once or twice in my life. This occurred after years of struggle, dishonestly, unreliability, etc. Door slamming is typically pretty final for most INFJs. They may seem cold and disconnected, but this is because they have been completely diminished. They grieved the loss and are trying to move on.
 

j.c.t.

New member
Joined
Jul 6, 2018
Messages
387
MBTI Type
INFJ
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451
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sp/sx
Why is the INFJ doorslam so famous? I've doorslammed many times.
 

Herwig

New member
Joined
Sep 14, 2018
Messages
28
MBTI Type
INTJ
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548
Instinctual Variant
so
I only doorslam as mistake. When angry I never do it. I prefer when people are more direct.
 
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