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[MBTI General] running out of stuff to talk about.

Rachelinpa

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2008
Messages
878
MBTI Type
ENFP
i was out with istp last night and we hit a wall. basically, we ran out of stuff to talk about. i verbalize this, of course, and he says something like he can just enjoy being in the presence of other people (he was not being specific to me) and that i need to relax. typical.

at any rate, i go into freak out mode when this happens. i don't know why exactly and maybe you all can help me sort through my jumble of feelings. i think there are a few things at work:

1) insecurity - i am subconsciously looking for reasons for us not to be compatible, so we have one tiny little lull and i am like AH-HA! i knew it! run!

2) restlessness - i need to be stimulated all the time and can't stand to sit there saying nothing at all.

then of course i start the cycle of being crazy and thinking that "oh no! now i've ruined it with my discontent attitude and my psycho rampant emotionalism!" istp is so freakin calm that it makes me feel ridiculous. it's not his fault... i know it's me... but i just hate that i feel so insane.

not sure what this is or how to get over it.

i'm thinking this is why i have short term relationships. it's all i can do not to pull the plug. TOTALLY not rational, but that's how i FEEEEEEL.

rarr.
 
D

Dali

Guest
Not to trivialise your issue but this makes me LOL because it reminds me of an ENFP one-time 'somewhat-GF' I had. Us ISPs are more of listeners than talkers... I mean, we'll talk your EAR off sometimes (as anyone with an ISP SO could tell you) but, most of the time, we're content just sitting there listening to what you have to say or just BE with you.

Anytime I was silently enjoying her company, my ENFP would ask me if there was anything wrong and, even when she didnt ask, I'd sense that she was a mass of nerves. Even now that we've stopped 'somewhat dating' (LONG story that has nothing to do with type) and remained close friends, I sense her discomfort and try and make the extra effort to be more chatty than usual when I hang out with her. It doesnt come naturally though.

So yeah, I'm not asking you to change who you are but, you know, just learn to go with the flow. Relax. His silence does not necessarily mean anything. Not every positive emotion needs to be verbalised.

Chill out. :) *hug*
 

Rachelinpa

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2008
Messages
878
MBTI Type
ENFP
Anytime I was silently enjoying her company, my ENFP would ask me if there was anything wrong and, even when she didnt ask, I'd sense that she was a mass of nerves.

i try not to ask that. i usually know nothing is wrong... but i do, i really do have a hard time sitting there silently. i like to bounce around... topics of discussion... and literally bounce around...

silence does not necessarily mean anything.

but... but... what if it does?! everything has meaning! ENFP! hahaha. when you're silent, i often can't read what is happening and then i end up questioning the whole relationship by default. so much of what stimulates me in a relationship is conversation, so i suddenly assume that the relationship must suck if we can't talk anymore (and by anymore i mean a one time occurence that i have generalized and attributed to why-we-are-no-longer-compatible). this is the crazy stuff i'm talking about!!

Chill out. *hug*

yeah, i know. thanks. i don't know how to do it. i try really hard, but then i can tell i'm trying, and then i think he can tell i'm trying, and then it's just this awful cycle of efforts, unhealthy pleasing, unnecessary stress and feeling something must be wrong with me.

i guess being relaxed is the better way to be, but it is frustrating how easy it seems to come to some people and how i have to work at it.

i have chill envy.
 

MagnifaSnail

New member
Joined
Jan 2, 2010
Messages
28
MBTI Type
INxP
Enneagram
5w4
I think I kind of get where you're coming from. I enjoy fun conversations with mad Ne tangents but I don't mind a lull, at least not for myself. Pauses bother me because I know they bother the person I'm talking to. I hate the idea that I'm boring them or making them feel awkward, especially with someone I'm interested in. I'm horrible at starting conversations or indeed initiating anything of any kind (extreme introvert here) and so I usually leave it to someone else to set the stage for chit-chat. I can probe, question, and evaluate from there and slide into a natural feeling mode of discourse. Although sometimes if I'm not in the right mood I can't say or do anything besides smile and nod and I hate that because I feel frustrated and stupid.

I'd say if you yourself somehow run out of things to talk about then enjoy just the presence of your ISTP. There's a certain Se pleasure of just sitting together with someone who's company you enjoy and just being with them. If you really want to talk try and pick out some observations about your setting (the building, food you might have, other people, anything) that might appeal to his Se and go from there.
 

Rachelinpa

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2008
Messages
878
MBTI Type
ENFP
There's a certain Se pleasure of just sitting together with someone who's company you enjoy and just being with them.

yeah, how do they get that anyway? i wish i had that.
 

MagnifaSnail

New member
Joined
Jan 2, 2010
Messages
28
MBTI Type
INxP
Enneagram
5w4
yeah, how do they get that anyway? i wish i had that.
I don't really know. Sometimes just knowing that my attention is on her and hers on me is enough. To hell with everything else. 'To love and to be loved.' sort of thing. That's starting to sound all whiny and F-ish though.... so, again, I'm far from certain. Also, to be fair, indulging in those feelings never seems to do anything but hurt me in the end.

But to get back to your original question about making talk. Try and pick out an observation as I mentioned earlier and let your Ne run with it. I find it tricksy that an ENFP would have a difficult time starting a conversation. If he's being unresponsive, though, I'm not really sure how to tell whether he's uninterested/put off or just feeling a little extra pensive. I imagine ISTP's can get caught in their heads a lot so try and draw them out. Gently (at least at first ;) ).
 

ajblaise

Minister of Propagandhi
Joined
Aug 3, 2008
Messages
7,914
MBTI Type
INTP
There definitely seems to be an S-N communication gap. If you want him to converse more, maybe try bringing out his Ti, and bring up things that call upon Ti skillz. Problem solving, complicated systems, theories, stuff that requires analysis...
 

runvardh

にゃん
Joined
Jun 23, 2007
Messages
8,541
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
If one told me it was fine being quiet I would relax. It would be a relief.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I personally find that the moment I can just relax and sit back quietly in someone's presence, it means I feel utterly comfortable with them and free to be myself. And that's a special moment to me. So I tend to just sit quietly smiling, or tossing them a glance occasionally and even more fun is just snuggling up with them without saying a word and even while doing something else, watching tv, reading a book, even playing on the pc. Physical touch is incredibly reassuring to me, but even their presence will quiet me and make me content.

You however sound like you feel nervous if you don't entertain him 24/7. Relax..he likes you, otherwise he wouldn't be there. Let him enjoy your presence, you don't have to be on stage constantly :)
 

King sns

New member
Joined
Nov 4, 2008
Messages
6,714
MBTI Type
enfp
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
i was out with istp last night and we hit a wall. basically, we ran out of stuff to talk about. i verbalize this, of course, and he says something like he can just enjoy being in the presence of other people (he was not being specific to me) and that i need to relax. typical.

at any rate, i go into freak out mode when this happens. i don't know why exactly and maybe you all can help me sort through my jumble of feelings. i think there are a few things at work:

1) insecurity - i am subconsciously looking for reasons for us not to be compatible, so we have one tiny little lull and i am like AH-HA! i knew it! run!

2) restlessness - i need to be stimulated all the time and can't stand to sit there saying nothing at all.

then of course i start the cycle of being crazy and thinking that "oh no! now i've ruined it with my discontent attitude and my psycho rampant emotionalism!" istp is so freakin calm that it makes me feel ridiculous. it's not his fault... i know it's me... but i just hate that i feel so insane.

not sure what this is or how to get over it.

i'm thinking this is why i have short term relationships. it's all i can do not to pull the plug. TOTALLY not rational, but that's how i FEEEEEEL.

rarr.

My dear, I mean this in the most loving way possible, but you seem wayy anxious and neurotic. Just take deep breaths and enjoy your istp. He's probably not thinking about any of this at all!! How to deal with it? Just, take an ativan or something. :hug:
 

BlackCat

Shaman
Joined
Nov 19, 2008
Messages
7,038
MBTI Type
ESFP
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I think you might be bored.

Yeah go out and do something. Then you can talk about that, then that will lead to other conversations.
 

sLiPpY

New member
Joined
Oct 14, 2009
Messages
2,003
MBTI Type
ISTP
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I personally find that the moment I can just relax and sit back quietly in someone's presence, it means I feel utterly comfortable with them and free to be myself. And that's a special moment to me. So I tend to just sit quietly smiling, or tossing them a glance occasionally and even more fun is just snuggling up with them without saying a word and even while doing something else, watching tv, reading a book, even playing on the pc. Physical touch is incredibly reassuring to me, but even their presence will quiet me and make me content.

You however sound like you feel nervous if you don't entertain him 24/7. Relax..he likes you, otherwise he wouldn't be there. Let him enjoy your presence, you don't have to be on stage constantly :)

Spoken like a wise one..

ISTP's are funny creatures. I can remember hiking with a person I hadn't known very long. A few weeks before they'd asked me to serve as a groomsman at their wedding.

All the other guys had years of more time and history...

We rambled on all the way up and down that mountain, on the ride back it got quiet and it stayed that way for miles and miles. Just the wind coming in through the windows and music playing. Eventually the music went off...just the sound of the wind.

Wasn't until that moment I decide that this person is someone that I trust.

Wasn't until those moments that the other ISTP decided that he wanted for me to plan his bachelor party.

Both cases an unspoken after thought, wasn't listening to anything but the wind and one's state of just being in the physical realm.

There's a lot to be said for being comfortable with another human being in silence. Wasn't until years later we had a conversation where we'd individually identified those silent moments as being key to ten years of good will.

For me, feeling comfortable in silence with another human being and sensing that they are also comfortable. Tells me more about a person, than they could do or say.
 

little.bad.apple

New member
Joined
Apr 11, 2009
Messages
44
MBTI Type
INFP
Hey I can totally relate :yes: I've had this happen and I'm glad someone out there understands. Especially this part..

1) insecurity - i am subconsciously looking for reasons for us not to be compatible, so we have one tiny little lull and i am like AH-HA! i knew it! run!

I think the problem is taking a moment of silence WAY too seriously. Maybe it'd be weird even to never have quiet times. Well hah, your view on this might differ, as you're an E. But still, I think it's pretty natural and shouldn't cause doubts about the relationship as a whole. Actually I think worrying about it makes it worse because it can make you tense and self-conscious.
 

the state i am in

Active member
Joined
Feb 12, 2009
Messages
2,475
MBTI Type
infj
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
i've never known how to deal with this either. it just seems sad to me. depressing. the only word worse than uninspired is callous. i want to be learning something new! with Ne-Ni it's easy to go on forever and feel like you're always getting somewhere worth going. i think for me, tho, being an sx/sp, it's also that i have no interest in being around others unless we are communicating deeply. otherwise, it just starts to feel distracting/intrusive.
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
I had a long term relationship with a guy I had really great conversations with. He also talked my ear off at horrible times, like when I first woke up in the morning or just got home from work. We'd talk on the phone for hours until we argued. It became very tiring.

It would be nice to be with someone who I could talk to, but who also could just sit in a comfortable silence with me. That's like my fucking dream come true. *stalks introverts* ;)

If the guy you're with reassures you nothing is wrong, just go with it. I know what it feels like to be paranoid something is wrong, I'm ENFP like that too, but sometimes you just need to breathe.
 

bluebell

New member
Joined
Apr 30, 2007
Messages
1,485
MBTI Type
INTP
Not being able to tolerate silence and pauses in conversations was the main way that severe social anxiety used to manifest itself for me. I dealt with this irrational fear by focusing my attention outwards and noticing that other people were just fine to be quiet and sit there, so therefore it was fine for me too. Now I'm pretty much comfortable with it, regardless of who I'm with - SO, friends, acquaintances, strangers.


I personally find that the moment I can just relax and sit back quietly in someone's presence, it means I feel utterly comfortable with them and free to be myself. And that's a special moment to me. So I tend to just sit quietly smiling, or tossing them a glance occasionally and even more fun is just snuggling up with them without saying a word and even while doing something else, watching tv, reading a book, even playing on the pc. Physical touch is incredibly reassuring to me, but even their presence will quiet me and make me content.

:) Indeed. Getting to the point where you actively enjoy just being together without talking is pretty awesome, regardless of whether it's a friend or SO.

Yeah go out and do something. Then you can talk about that, then that will lead to other conversations.

That can help too. Also, if you go out and do stuff together then it could help to make her realise that silence is fine, because if you're being active, it makes it more obvious that talking continuously is so unnecessary.

For me, feeling comfortable in silence with another human being and sensing that they are also comfortable. Tells me more about a person, than they could do or say.

Yep.
 

Kalach

Filthy Apes!
Joined
Dec 3, 2008
Messages
4,310
MBTI Type
INTJ
I have a theory.

The tertiary function, along with being the temptation, is also the "Gee, what do we do now?!" function. ("Do" is defined very broadly.) So, for an ISTP, when other stuff has expired, "do" is private noodling along, considering possibilities in depth and interior views on the symbols and connections of all things. For ENFP, it's decisions about processes and what's true around them.

That's to say, what revitalises one's interest in keeping on going forward? A shot from the tertiary hip flask, and then everything's okay again.

The anxiety associated with not being able to resort to the tertiary from time to time ends up being dissatisfaction and an eventual claim of "We're just not connecting anymore."

Or maybe that's just a tertiary F thing. Dunno
 
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