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[NF] Mothers of NF's

P

Phantonym

Guest
Thread idea stolen from tinkerbell :hi: Thanks! :)

NF's, what is your mother like? And how do you feel, how has a mother of certain type influenced you during your childhood or still influences you in your adulthood?


My mother is an ISFJ, the "salt of the earth", very caring and family oriented, mostly overdoing it. We've never been that close and there are traits in her as a mother that I will definitely try to avoid when I become a mother myself. But her calmness, strength and easy-going nature are traits I appreciate very much. However, she is supportive mostly in theory, emotionally detached, not very open-minded to new ideas and she can be passive-aggressive at times. She wasn't very openly controlling during my childhood, more like a quiet guiding force that wants you to do things her way. Something I gladly rebelled against when growing up. We get along great now that I'm an adult but we're not really on the same level and it's not only because of the different generations. Still, she's the only mother I have and I love her dearly. :)

Please share your stories. :)
 

BlueSprout

/X\(:: :: )/X\
Joined
Oct 26, 2008
Messages
571
MBTI Type
pfni
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4
Wow, Sib. Your mom certainly sounds ISFJ. ;)

I have an INTJ mom who worked and traveled extensively during most of my childhood. We weren't particularly close. We see more of each other and have a better relationship now. She's a very Te INTJ to the point where nearly all her complaints center around how stupid, incompetent and lazy someone, some group or the world at large is. :D We don't have similar philosophies, politics, approaches to people or interests, but these don't seem to cause as many problems as you might expect. We respect each others' differences and value each others' strengths. :blush: Often, we make a crack team when we put our two very different minds to a matter.

Edited to address the influence issue: I looked up to and even idolized her when I was a child. I thought she was what I should want to be: a very independent, hardworking and successful professional. When I was an adolescent, I hated how functional, contained and removed she seemed. I know now that she was just trying to appear in control to create a sense of stability for us and to be a good role model by not letting us see her self-doubt or failings. But her facade made me feel inadequate when I couldn't be the perfect daughter/student/person or when I acted out of emotion. I didn't feel I measured up to her expectations and I didn't see why I had to. Now we're kind of both in the same place - learning to accept our imperfections.
 

vince

New member
Joined
Oct 8, 2007
Messages
320
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
6w
My mom's an ISFJ too. She's very similar to Sib's description. Although a bit more controlling, so that inevitably I rebelled much worse than average. We get along very well too since I kind of grew up ;) but we're also not entirely on the same level. My mom is a very authentic person but she also likes to keep up appearances. There are lots of subjects she doesn't want to hear about cause it does not fit her frame.
Luv you mom :)
 

sculpting

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Jan 28, 2009
Messages
4,148
my mom was an enfp. My grandmom was also.

My mom was abused as a child and is extremely emotional needy and cannot exist without a man in her life-perhaps in love with love? She drives others away by emotional dumping. She cares for others but is exceptional self-centric. If you can get her to stop focusing on her complaints and Fi needs, she actually can have some very clever conversation and is quite intelligent. She also has a lot of chronic health problems, thus the endless complaints.

As a child very early I learned to block all of this out. Peacebaby once had a nice term for it-cant remember what it was. As a child I was very reclusive, hid from my family, read, and was described as snobby, cold, and callous. I felt little emotion as a child.

She taught me by example not to trust men, not to ever want to be married, to finish my education as to be financial independent and to never let someone else push me around or tell me what to do. She also taught me never to vocalize unhappiness-haha, like teaching a bit of Fe inside out, as vocalization of your pain makes others shun you.
 

BlueScreen

Fail 2.0
Joined
Nov 8, 2008
Messages
2,668
MBTI Type
YMCA
Mine is INFJ. We get on great, but the understanding gap means she backed off rather than pushed me or encouraged me sometimes (I felt trapped by her support playing too much of a part, she saw me as annoyed with it or less interested (I can be stubborn as all hell anyway)). Overall I give a big plus to INFJ mums. She's supportive, we have great discussions, and we have a very good understanding of each other and situations, except in some areas like interests and approach.

For any type who mother's an ENFP, you don't really need to help much with the problem solving or learning part, just keep up morale, expose them to things, and be a sounding board when they need to sort their thoughts.
 

BrokenSequencer

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Joined
Jan 1, 2010
Messages
7
I actually had my parents take the Myers-Briggs yesterday. My mom came out as ISFJ. She is/was a very down to earth person, very caring and warm, she is a retired teacher who spent the majority of her time teaching elementary school, moved on to teach special ed. She is tough, but not in an overbearing way. She's very emotional in her reactions, was strict, but in a little old lady sort of way. She's sweet and considerate, but not aloof...she's quiet and her relationship with my dad seems to be one of a perfect fit, even after 40+ years of marriage. They get each other, they are comfortable with each other. I can't see one without the other.

Her influence on me is one of love and caring, but also discipline and standards. She was much more lienient than my dad (he's an INTJ), but still held me accountable. I think that my ability to see the good in people comes from her. My ability to love without question, my ability to hold people close to my heart, unconditionally. I also attribute my seeking of spirituality from her. She encouraged me to seek out my faith and to investigate it, to embrace it. She also taught me to not worry what other's think. She encouraged me to persue my education and tried to keep me practical in my dreams (that one didn't really work.)

All in all, I have a wonderful mother who has been an amazingly tough and loving woman and I am proud to have her as my mom. We have a great relationship now (of course during my teens and early twenties, I'm sure I pushed her a bit) and I couldn't ask for a better mother. I haven't seen her or my father more than twice in the past two years, and I miss them both, but my family has also always encouraged independence, so I took full advantage of that, moving out at 18. Despite the distance (600 miles) seperating us, I still speak with her (and my dad) about once a week.

So, to sum it up: I have a wonderful mom and she has been a very positive influence on my life.
 

Wild horses

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Oct 25, 2008
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1,916
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Yea my mother is E/ISFJ too... Very strong person... she suffered alot of physical and mental abuse when she was growing up and was starving etc... so it left her with more than a few hang ups and she is by her own admission a little crazy! Very loving though and nurturing esp as I have gotten older... It's kinda weird cos when I was little she treated me like an adult and was very strict with me... she had an incredibly short fuse but she has eased up and now she treats me like a baby! HAHAHA She talks to children as though they are grown up and can sort her problems etc. which is good in a way as she is never patronising and takes their contributions on board as valuable. I love my mother and admire her alot... she is a backbone and we have been through alot together which has made us a whole lot closer I suppose... Completely different way of viewing life and the world... and always demands that I 'take off my rose tinted glasses' HAHAHA but hey that kind of thing can only help develop tolerance right :D
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
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Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
My mum is ENFJ. While she can be a little outspoken on occasion, it is only when it is something that really matters and will affect the welfare of someone else. She's one of the most involved, sacrificing mothers I have met. She is energetic, creative, strong, unexpectedly funny, orderly and a great sounding board to discuss ideas with. Throughout my adult life we talk to each other pretty much every day and I would consider her my best friend. I think because my dad was less involved with us growing up, and even though he cares does not put himself in other's shoes emotionally sometimes my mum tried to overcompensate, particularly in my oldest brother's case.
 

cafe

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Apr 19, 2007
Messages
9,827
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9w1
My mom is an esFP, I think. She was pretty good at the parenting thing, but not so good at the marriage/romantic relationship thing. We moved a lot, the men in her life change fairly frequently, and sometimes money was pretty tight, but she wasn't abusive or physically neglectful and we never went hungry.

I was pretty much just expected to be pleasant company and I also frequently felt that I needed to be the voice of reason. She hasn't ever been very good at predicting outcomes, which to me, was like watching an oncoming train wreck I could do nothing to stop. OTOH, nothing much was expected of me. She was still doing my laundry and making my lunch for work when I was twenty. :blush:

She was good about disciplining and supervising me without being overprotective or too controlling for me to learn things (other than domestic chores, lol). She is kind and thoughtful and generous and fun unless she's on some kind of crazy mission. Then she's well on wheels.

I learned a lot of helpful things from her example, good at bad.

Edit:
It influenced me by making me very careful about who I got romantically involved with. It sharpened my ability to be a calming presence and a voice of reason/comfort. I have always expected to be treated with dignity and respect, and usually as an equal as my mother normally treated me.
 

revolve

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Jan 13, 2009
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243
my mom is an intp

my mom is an INTP . . . so now that i'm older everything finally makes sense . . . seeing how most everyones moms are xSFJs . . . when i was a teen i was embarrassed for having a mom that wears her hair very short, no makeup & wears very bland clothing - i was terrified that i would grow up to look like her (unfeminine) and was very mean to her for a bunch of years (and of course she wouldn't react to any of my meanness) she never gave her opinion about anything i did or would choose unless i pushed & pushed her to do so. now that i'm older i see my friends having a friendship with their mothers doing girly things like going out to lunch & getting pedicures together . . . nope we are not like that. growing up my mom always told me that she didn't understand me & when i was emoting, crying & being a hysterical teenager she always said she didn't know how to help me. she is a great person though & would do anything for me . . . i would just have sit her down & yell & scream in her face for an hour straight in order to get any reaction. that's the only thing that ever worked with her.
 

Afkan

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Jan 3, 2009
Messages
324
My Mom, INFP. Know now for sure, gave her the test and discussed with her.

I'm still realizing what amazing things my mom taught me, that I've taken for granted but are definitely not "commonplace."

-Accept everyone. We are all the same. Those less fortunate need more care, not less.
-Self-esteem is so important. Self-Respect too. Basing decisions on what other people think will make all of that come tumbling down.
-Know what you believe. (she really instilled Fi in me)
-Its okay to let the schedule go and just enjoy life...veer from the daily routine.
Theres plenty more too.

Some things like not allowing people to take advantage of your kindness and caring I had to learn on my own. But my mom's absence of that had nothing to do with type.
 

Lightyear

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Messages
899
I have an INTJ mum. We always got along great, I can't remember ever fighting with her and just a few days ago she told me on the phone that we get along well because we complement each other (while she has broken off contact with my brother, an INTP, long story) She gets along well with people but she can be extremely harsh if someone has crossed her a few times too often but since I am a peacemaker by nature (and her daughter) that tough side of hers has never been directed at me.

Because of her and my brother I developed a strong logical side as a child and teenager so that people would consider me to be very rational, I had to live away from my family to realise that I am actually a strong feeler.

My mum is very independent-minded and because her mum (ESTJ) always tried to control her my mum gave me as much freedom as possible (which I never really abused, I was never the one to go all crazy) She always gave me a sense of security, stability is very important to her; she encouraged me to read from a young age and bought me a lot of books so that I could discover the world through reading (she was feeding my Ni :)) and she was never that involved in anything that had to do with homework, school etc (she just assumed I would be able to handle things by myself which I did). I think I was kind of happy being left to myself a lot, since we are both introverted we understood each others need for alone time.

Looking back I am very thankful to her for not trying to control me (which wouldn't have worked anyway, I am independent but normally in such a subversive, subtle way that people often don't even realise that I am doing my own thing), for her nurturing my intellectual leanings, for her being understanding (she is the kind of mum where I could have turned up pregnant and instead of shouting at me she would have immediately thought: "How do we deal with this situation?") and always giving me a sense of stability despite her being a single mum.
 

mr.awesome

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Jan 2, 2010
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368
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not sure what type my mother is, im going to take a stab and say shes a istp. could be completley wrong.

but she is extremely passive in her way of controlling her children. she is very accepting yet very questioning, [always concerned about my happiness, amount of friends i have, etc] she doesnt try to stop me from anything i want, i mean she does, but shes so passive its like she doesnt care sometimes. haha. blessing and curse at once.
 

Snuggletron

Reptilian
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Sep 25, 2009
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INFP
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my mom is an ESFJ, the opposite of me when it comes to pretty much everything. We get along well though.

- free rent
- tuition is paid (I'm saving money for transfer/car/velociraptor)
- she washes everyone's clothes
- she cleans too much and overworks herself
- she gives me candy
 

cascadeco

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Oct 7, 2007
Messages
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sp/sx
My mom is an ISTJ. She, combined with my father (ISFJ), resulted in my having a very stable, traditional, family-oriented environment growing up. Externally everything was very organized, efficient, and as I say, stable. She tended to be a very anxious person, however...so was tense much of the time. She also was not very emotionally demonstrative. She was prone to being critical of me and she questioned me a lot (questions about very minute details), so I came to learn not to share much with her just because I didn't want the questions/critique, and it was just easier not to even 'go there'. I also think she repressed the majority of her emotions (that was a theme, sort of, of my family dynamics in general...very little emotional expression, and everyone kind of kept to themselves), but she definitely had her moments when I think she realized she needed to let go more, and occasionally her more playful, silly side came out.

She definitely excelled at tangible things - home-cooked meals every day, always on top of my school events or extracurriculars, shuttling me from place to place, always on time, very dependable and giving in that sense.

So I guess in the end, despite my never 'connecting' with her or really feeling she understood me or I could talk to her (feeling 'safe' in doing so) without being judged or misunderstood, there were so many other aspects of what she brought to the table as a parent, and in how I was raised, that were really beneficial and positive. My parents definitely wanted my brother and I to 'excel' at life and be prepared for being adults, and providing for us in that way by funding our education and also prioritizing family stuff - family vacations, visiting relatives, etc, of which I have great memories. I think I was really lucky/fortunate in terms of my family environment growing up, despite my feeling like I didn't connect with either of my parents and there was a notable lack of deep conversations or talking about anything, really. I think the stability was the biggest thing, as well as learning at a young age the more practical tasks one has to deal with in life. And although like I said earlier she isn't terribly expressive or affectionate, I know she loves me and I can always depend on her and my father if I would need them.

We've gotten closer the past 5-8 yrs, which has been nice. She has a good heart, she's just really different from me and it has taken time to accept the nature of the relationship and to really embrace her for all of the positives she brings, and for who she is.
 

Requeim

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Apr 15, 2009
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My mother is an ESFJ and while i feel i can speak with her much more than my ISTJ father, she still annoys me sometimes

mostly because she doesn't understand me (i also think she would have liked it, if i grew up to be(come) an extravert)
 

Lacey

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Joined
Jan 3, 2009
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INFP
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6w5
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sp/sx
Man. I don't know my mother's type, really. I think I've posted maybe 3 different types in the past. I've had her take the tests, and she seems to get a different result every time. I think I'm getting more and more settled on ENFP, though. (She doesn't seem to care about MBTI too much, so she won't ever decide. haha)

My mom is usually pretty awesome. We butt heads a lot though too. We usually agree on most things, but when we don't it's pretty brutal. I've become wise as I've gotten older and learned to skirt those issues. Because my mom is always right. :D

My mom is also my friend. I enjoy hanging out with her. (I've actually chose her over my friends a few times, haha.) I can talk to her about pretty much anything.

She will always support me in whatever I do. That's one really cool thing about my mom: whatever our interests are become her interests. She's interested in dance because I dance, she knows a ton about horses because my sister rides horses, and my mom is a video game nerd because my brother is too.

My mom's not so good when it comes to certain things...finances/official business-type things being the major ones. That gets pretty stressful at times. She has a problem getting anything done in a timely fashion. :dont: (Although she's really good about keeping the house clean and organized.) She's ruled by her emotions a little bit more than I am, so I find myself having to be the voice of reason sometimes. It's always an adventure for sure, and at least it's fun...most of the time. ;)

From my teens onward I sometimes ended up being my mom's counselor...but she's been mine too so I suppose it's a fair trade.

She's one of the wisest people I know, in terms of how to deal with people. She's really charismatic, and people trust in her almost instantly. It's nuts. She's also hysterically funny.

She's also one of the most resilient people I've ever known. She had a pretty rough childhood, and her marriage sucks, and 3 of my siblings have disabilities. My mom has some anxiety issues, but other than that, is one of the most stable and strong people that I know. I don't know how she deals with all that and is still the amazing person that she is. I want her optimism.

All of these things to say...I have a great role model. There are a lot of ways where I want to be like her. And I can even learn from her mistakes, since we're similar in so many ways. She'll be there for me, no matter what, and it's always comforting to know you have someone like that. It's also great that she's always accepted me for who I am. I think I can count on one hand the number of people who truly "get" me, and my mom is one of them.
 

enfp1091

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Aug 9, 2009
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ENFP
My mother is an ESFJ. She is a nice person, she would help you if you need something anytime, but for me she is extremely annoying. She always wants everthing her way and wants to know everything about us, but she won't understand me. She always wants us to do what she wants at the time she tell us to do it, and if you try to deal with her she insult you.

When I was young, when she got mad at me and my dad and he left the house for some time, she told me that it was all my fault, that I was the one who made him leave, and now when she gets mad, she tells me that I'm double faced, that I'm the worst person in the planet and that I get friends because I buy them (I would never do that).
 

Billy

Crazy Diamond
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
1,192
MBTI Type
INFJ
my mother is an ESFJ, I have great love for her and even though we dont always operate on the same level intuitively, she has been a great mom despite her shortfalls and faults as a person I can say without a doubt, being a mother to me and my brothers has always been her top priority. She is one of the best people I know, I will not deal well with her death I know that already, thankfully we still have time left.
 
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