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[INFJ] INFJs and ENFJs: how do you behave when meeting a new group in which you know NO ONE?

Afkan

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INFJs, ENFJs, what do you do when interacting with a new group (none of the members you know in the least) in a long-term setting?

Additional [optional] questions

INFJs, what do you think about the "shield" idea? (see below, that section is bolded) When comparing yourself to enfjs you know (if you do) would this account for some differences? Or anything else that comes to mind...

infjs, can you relate to that vulnerable feeling that comes as a result of thin psychological boundaries?

I have noticed quite a bit on the forum about the differences and similarities between ENFJs and INFJs. I find the topic very compelling. I have a few questions that are more specific to understanding the delicate differences btwn ENFJs and INFJs, specifically in regard to the is the enfj shy? can infjs be outgoing? debate. But going further than the Xnfj differences... I'm looking at the intricacies, such as the impact of the ordering of function development.

New INFJ co-worker
My work has recently been blessed with an INFJ employee. I am fascinated by the difference between she and I, when comparing how we've introduced ourselves and settled in.

Her Behavior more E initially than mine
I've noticed that she seems more extroverted than I did in the group setting, when measuring my behavior in the first month of employment. I (as always when among a completely new group) was very quiet, observing individual's behavior as well as doing my best to pick up on group norms.

Usually in new groups if i know even just one person from the group already I feel comfortable to be outgoing. But it depends on how much info I've gathered about the group. Anything mentioned about ppl I tend to retain well and usually enter the situation with fairly accurate imagery.

ENFJs thinner boundaries, INFJs have a shield(?)
The "thin psychological boundaries" of the ENFJ translates into a hive mind feeling of awareness for me. Among the many disadvantages are: moods dependent upon others' emotions, extremely sensitive to others' reactions, however subtle I seem to feel what they feel... I remember always feeling this way but recently I'm becoming aware that others do not. I had an epiphany the other day, watching my new INFJ co-worker, that holy hell, she might not feel that way! Or maybe not as extremely as i do. Maybe her dominant Ni allows her somewhat of a shield from all that. I've noticed she is very well put together, but like a compressed version of me- meaning, when she does share in a group, its not all out on the table. Which I admire.

I've never had the opportunity to observe an INFJ in a setting that I could compare myself to... in which I possessed prior knowledge of myself in that setting. There was one other INFJ intern at my work, but that in no way paralleled bc she formed bonds with everyone so differently, due to the temporary nature of her length of stay.

I seem to craft a shield for myself, maybe to augment the kind of shield that im beginning to believe the INFJs have... their inner world is first, so they can kind of watch from inside, protected as everything happens in the external world.
 

PuddleRiver

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I use the shield for a while though I'm not as successful with that as I used to be (patience is wearing a little thin as I get older). Then...I run for my life as soon as I can.
 

Lemonade

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It really depends on the group setting, for me. In a work environment, I'll introduce myself as coworkers start to notice me, but other than that, I try to stay out of the way and focus on the job at hand. I don't speak for all INFJs, but its not that I do not pick up the moods and emotions in the atmosphere, its just that I do not allow them to effect me while I am in a setting where I am vulnerable. In private settings, these thoughts can occupy my mind.
 
P

Phantonym

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In a new group setting where I don't know anyone I mind my own business and let the time decide how things will go. I don't introduce myself individually unless prompted to do so. I mostly wait for others to approach me. I don't initiate personal conversations and try to keep things on professional level. I do keep everybody at an arm's length; however, I'm always open to people when they initiate conversation of personal nature.

I don't allow the emotions in the atmosphere influence me either. I keep my eyes and ears open, though. Everything seems to be on hold for a while until I've had time to observe the situation, the dynamics in the group and sort of "size up" the people around me. I feel that it gives me a solid footing to continue with the interaction on a more deeper level.
 

Afkan

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I use the shield for a while though I'm not as successful with that as I used to be (patience is wearing a little thin as I get older). Then...I run for my life as soon as I can.
Patience runs thin...what is your goal in social situations would you say? Are you saying you have lost patience with what is required for conserving energy while connecting in a group?

...its not that I do not pick up the moods and emotions in the atmosphere, its just that I do not allow them to effect me while I am in a setting where I am vulnerable. In private settings, these thoughts can occupy my mind.
K, so more compartmentalization can help. I can do that sometimes, increase that, but that is what requires patience on my part...I need a lot of stimuli and tend to lose focus without staying engaged. :/

In a new group setting where I don't know anyone I mind my own business and let the time decide how things will go. I don't introduce myself individually unless prompted to do so. I mostly wait for others to approach me. I don't initiate personal conversations and try to keep things on professional level. I do keep everybody at an arm's length; however, I'm always open to people when they initiate conversation of personal nature.
Here I read energy conservation, energy conservation, energy conservation... then hmmm....interesting how you are opened when others initiate personal conversation. Getting to know people on a deeper level, you are up for that, but realize you cannot do that with everyone...and me, I am the classic E, wanting to keep things more superficial ( :( ..... but its true) so I can interact w/more ppl.

Everything seems to be on hold for a while until I've had time to observe the situation, the dynamics in the group and sort of "size up" the people around me. I feel that it gives me a solid footing to continue with the interaction on a more deeper level.
I do the same, take time to observe, but usually its out of fear instead of to get a solid footing...bc once I plunge in, I REALLY plunge in, and there is NO going back...to observing. That's when people get hurt by my silence.

Well thank you, this is good understanding on a very detailed level of the "general" E/I differences that we all know but this stuff is so much better. I think there are things that couldn't be discovered without such detail. This is getting me thinking about the advantages to energy conservation, a reminder of incentive for those super stimulating moments to stop wringing the life out of things for ME, not just for other people. There are CONSEQUENCES.

I'd love to hear more from anyone else if you've got it.

Added to my knowledge of the differences of INFJs and ENFJs: ENFJs must appear way more impulsive.
 

LavaLucy

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For me if it's a work setting I am a lot more laid back. I'll talk to people as I meet them and while I am eager to get to know them I know that I'll see them tomorrow so I'll just go slowly and concentrate on my job.
If it's a social gathering where the 'work' is to socialise I have a bit more trouble. Social anxiety is responsible for some weird behaviour in me so I'm not sure it's the answer you're looking for! I tend to be too extraverted and question asking and keen because I am nervous so I start out very energetically and sometimes say things I don't want to be saying just to be saying something. Then I get tired or bored if it's all people I don't know and just want to be not there.
The ENFJ at my work introduced herself with: When are you leaving? What, I only just got this job, I said. Why? Won't you bother making friends me if I'm not going to stay for long? And she said Exactly, I'm glad you understand :p
 

HollyGolightly

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When I know nobody I just smile a lot and hope someone will smile back and maybe approach me. I used to be the one to approach others but I can't do that anymore. I have a habit of getting too involved with people and trying to seek their approval too much so I'm trying to distance myself. Yet I'm still very open and friendly....almost to the point where I can appear to be an extravert when meeting someone for the first time. :huh:
 

Afkan

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The ENFJ at my work introduced herself with: When are you leaving? What, I only just got this job, I said. Why? Won't you bother making friends me if I'm not going to stay for long? And she said Exactly, I'm glad you understand :p

Lol...
That's so funny. While its so wrong, it is very important to me too I have to admit. Depends on others stuff too but... well, an investment is an investment!

For me if it's a work setting I am a lot more laid back. I'll talk to people as I meet them and while I am eager to get to know them I know that I'll see them tomorrow so I'll just go slowly and concentrate on my job.
If it's a social gathering where the 'work' is to socialise I have a bit more trouble. Social anxiety is responsible for some weird behaviour in me so I'm not sure it's the answer you're looking for! I tend to be too extraverted and question asking and keen because I am nervous so I start out very energetically and sometimes say things I don't want to be saying just to be saying something. Then I get tired or bored if it's all people I don't know and just want to be not there.
Well sure its what i'm looking for... I would love to get this across all settings. I was specific in case anyone would want details to decide whether they want to answer... but really I want to understand everything[one] in the world, so... :p
 

Afkan

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Yet I'm still very open and friendly....almost to the point where I can appear to be an extravert when meeting someone for the first time. :huh:
heheheh.... :blush:

Yes, I definitely struggle with approval seeking. My dilemma regarding this subject is understanding past mere perceptions of what is "E" and what is "I". I don't really care what people think I am, E or I. I do care about self-preservation, finding ways to... cuz I'm so intense, I kinda explode, and then there are pieces of me all over the room. Yet initially I can be very slow to warm up to ppl.

Its just a piece of the puzzle in my never ending path of personal growth. Its like the song that never ends.
 

CuriousFeeling

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INFJ here:
I tend to confidently introduce myself to people I get a vibe that they will connect with me in some sort of way. Others that I feel that I have nothing in common with them, or are trying to make a big impression on, I tend to be a bit more reserved and very polite. I tend to be less emotionally gushy at first and don't impose myself upon others. At first, some people might find me a bit intellectual and removed from the rest of the world. I tend to speak about things based off of logical and rational value systems first. It takes a while for the emotional side to let loose. I tend to be much more guarded about revealing too much about myself. I'll let people know the basics about what I like and dislike, but I'm choosy about what I tell people, you never know who will use information about you and turn it against you.

I tend to keep to myself in a group setting. I don't mind talking for a little bit, but after a while, I just lose steam and my mind goes off into daydreaming mode. It's what happens when Ni takes over. :D I find it difficult to concentrate when there's a lot of people around me when I'm doing work. I prefer to work quietly and alone, excepting when it's a lab setting and I would like to get things done efficiently.

With having Te as my third dominant function, I tend to rationalize emotional stuff. At first, people might think I'm really serious and studious and logical. I'll come up with a scientific explanation for almost anything. Most times I'll default to the INTJ at first, but then warm up a little to INFJ mode.

Depending on who I'm with, I might come across as either cold and distant, or warm but removed. It depends on the vibe I get from the group. I tend to sit on the fence about which function to use, Te or Fe, when I first approach people.
 

Afkan

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INFJ here:
I tend to confidently introduce myself to people I get a vibe that they will connect with me in some sort of way. Others that I feel that I have nothing in common with them, or are trying to make a big impression on, I tend to be a bit more reserved and very polite. I tend to be less emotionally gushy at first and don't impose myself upon others. At first, some people might find me a bit intellectual and removed from the rest of the world. I tend to speak about things based off of logical and rational value systems first. It takes a while for the emotional side to let loose. I tend to be much more guarded about revealing too much about myself. I'll let people know the basics about what I like and dislike, but I'm choosy about what I tell people, you never know who will use information about you and turn it against you.

I tend to keep to myself in a group setting. I don't mind talking for a little bit, but after a while, I just lose steam and my mind goes off into daydreaming mode. It's what happens when Ni takes over. :D I find it difficult to concentrate when there's a lot of people around me when I'm doing work. I prefer to work quietly and alone, excepting when it's a lab setting and I would like to get things done efficiently.

With having Te as my third dominant function, I tend to rationalize emotional stuff. At first, people might think I'm really serious and studious and logical. I'll come up with a scientific explanation for almost anything. Most times I'll default to the INTJ at first, but then warm up a little to INFJ mode.

Depending on who I'm with, I might come across as either cold and distant, or warm but removed. It depends on the vibe I get from the group. I tend to sit on the fence about which function to use, Te or Fe, when I first approach people.
Very interesting, especially about your third function.
 

scortia

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My way of coping with a new crowd is simple. My shield is up and I'm relatively quiet at first. I will never instigate conversation with people, only continue conversation that's been brought to me.

Now, this changes when I find someone discussing something of interest to me: philosophy, certain books or movies, etc... In those cases I can spring to life and talk to someone like we've been friends for years.

I just totally suck at small talk and despise it. But if I have a common thread with someone I get enthusiastic over finding someone I can really talk to. I don't have much in common with people so it happens rarely and it makes me incredibly happy.
 

cascadeco

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Hmm, it has been a while since I have been in this situation, but I'll see what I can come up with. This is all gonna be related to being new on the job, though.

In general I'm one to lay low for a while, initially. Lots of observation, getting the lay of the land, getting the feel of the dynamics, the interactions between people, the 'hierarchy', individuals' behaviors and work styles, etc, and just the overall departmental structure. Once I feel I have a good handle on how everything and everyone works, then I'm a lot more confident and comfortable knowing what I can do and how I can go about doing it in an effective way...and how I can contribute most effectively and positively.

I'm not one to introduce myself to others, but like others have mentioned already if someone comes up to me I'll be personable. Tend to stick to work-related stuff, though, unless I really feel I can connect with someone on a non-professional basis and we have a lot in common; then in those instances I'll be more open and will talk about my personal life. But in general I'm pretty quiet and keep to myself, just doing my work.

I'm not really one to take part in office gossip/groups huddling around cubicles chit-chatting, though. I might take part for 5 minutes, but will then mosey away.

In group meetings I'm quiet for much of it, but I also have no problem stating my opinion on something and if I think there's a problem I'll bring it up, and over time I think everyone starts seeking my feedback out. I somehow end up being placed in more of a leadership role once I've been on the job for a while, even though I don't really want to be in charge of anything and would rather be doing my own thing, not having to monitor or instruct anyone else on tasks they should be doing.
 

Afkan

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My way of coping with a new crowd is simple. My shield is up and I'm relatively quiet at first. I will never instigate conversation with people, only continue conversation that's been brought to me.

Now, this changes when I find someone discussing something of interest to me: philosophy, certain books or movies, etc... In those cases I can spring to life and talk to someone like we've been friends for years.

I just totally suck at small talk and despise it. But if I have a common thread with someone I get enthusiastic over finding someone I can really talk to. I don't have much in common with people so it happens rarely and it makes me incredibly happy.

yes well... I do my best at small talk, but only bc its expected of me, being surrounded by ppl who think its extremely important (SJs, no offense to you, but I refer to SJs in my life). I honestly would rather poke my eye out, its pointless dribble.
 
G

Glycerine

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I'm a borderline ENFJ. It all depends on my mood and the mood of the environment. I might talk a lot and introduce myself but if I can't relate to much of what people are talking about, I keep quiet.

I relate a lot to the "thin psychological border" thing. This might sound really arrogant and selfish but when I am picking up on someone's discomfort, I sometimes pretend nothing's happening and purposefully zone out as an act of self-preservation. I have learned how to hide behind Ni when I NEED to get away.
 
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Afkan

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I relate a lot to the "thin psychological border" thing. This might sound really arrogant and selfish but when I am picking up on someone's discomfort, I sometimes pretend nothing's happening and purposefully zone out as an act of self-preservation. I have learned how to hide behind Ni when I NEED to get away.

I think that's smart, not selfish.
 

nynesneg

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Haven't been on these forums much recently, but I couldn't resist replying in this one! :cheese:

I completely relate to the original post, and this one below.

heheheh.... :blush:

Yes, I definitely struggle with approval seeking. My dilemma regarding this subject is understanding past mere perceptions of what is "E" and what is "I". I don't really care what people think I am, E or I. I do care about self-preservation, finding ways to... cuz I'm so intense, I kinda explode, and then there are pieces of me all over the room. Yet initially I can be very slow to warm up to ppl.

Its just a piece of the puzzle in my never ending path of personal growth. Its like the song that never ends.


Examples.

I just got a new job finally, and started on Monday! But initially it has kinda scared the hell out of my usual self confident self. There are some other factors, I've been unsucessfully trying to get a job for several months, and frustrated at the pay cut I'm taking, to some extent feels like I'm digressing in my path to personal success --> (read, self esteem is a bit on edge at the moment), and first time this type of work I'm doing is critiqued by professionals. I was suprised when I realized how much internal fear I was experiencing.

Anyway.

I was pretty quiet to start with, trying to figure out what my boss wants. She is so difficult to read, as an ENFJ usually I can pick up on people right off. She rarely smiles or compliments, and I can't tell if she likes/dislikes/is pleased/wants things much of the time. It's a bit unnerving, but my other two office mates (the rest of our department is located elsewhere), are nice and easy to read. One is particularly friendly so I like her.

I've noticed how unusually quiet I've been and how much I want some sign of her approval/satisfaction of my work. With her personality it's alot more difficult for me to know what she expects of me. Yes, it feels silly to think you need to have approval from other people, BUT perhaps it's not so forward with us ENFJs because most of the time we pick up intuitively on if people are pleased or not and that satisfies the need. :coffee:

Friday we had an event so I spent several hours sitting around with my co-worker. After talking with her I was MUCH more comfortable. Then later my boss commented something I was working on "looked really nice", so that made my day. I was back to my chipper self.

Intriguing...
 
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Afkan

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Haven't been on these forums much recently, but I couldn't resist replying in this one! :cheese:

I completely relate to the original post, and this one below.
Examples.
I just got a new job finally, and started on Monday! But initially it has kinda scared the hell out of my usual self confident self. There are some other factors, I've been unsucessfully trying to get a job for several months, and frustrated at the pay cut I'm taking, to some extent feels like I'm digressing in my path to personal success --> (read, self esteem is a bit on edge at the moment), and first time this type of work I'm doing is critiqued by professionals.
Anyway.
I was pretty quiet to start with, trying to figure out what my boss wants. She is so difficult to read, as an ENFJ usually I can pick up on people right off. She rarely smiles or compliments, and I can't tell if she likes/dislikes/is pleased/wants things much of the time. It's a bit unnerving, but my other two office mates (the rest of our department is located elsewhere), are nice and easy to read. One is particularly friendly so I like her.

I've noticed how unusually quiet I've been and how much I want some sign of her approval/satisfaction of my work. With her personality it's alot more difficult for me to know what she expects of me. Yes, it feels silly to think you need to have approval from other people, BUT perhaps it's not so forward with us ENFJs because most of the time we pick up intuitively on if people are pleased or not and that satisfies the need. :coffee:

Friday we had an event so I spent several hours sitting around with my co-worker. After talking with her I was MUCH more comfortable. Then later my boss commented something I was working on "looked really nice", so that made my day. I was back to my chipper self.

Intriguing...

Interesting. It sounds like you experience a lot of uneasiness at your knew job and believe it relates to not knowing where you stand. Maybe ENFJs would be more comfortable in a setting that gives more feedback.
I think enfjs are used to a LOT of feedback, and we listen to it usually. Implied or otherwise. I NEED feedback. I loved school, mainly bc of grades. Just tell me how I am doing and I'm good!
So yeah, you make a real good pt, nynes. Maybe that's a remedy to the internal DRAMA/trauma that occurs in a new job setting [for an enfj].

I wonder, do infjs feel so uneasy at a new job? Are infjs constantly self-critiquing? Looking frantically for signs in the environment that pt to how well they perform when in reality there aren't any?
 

Domino

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When I know nobody I just smile a lot and hope someone will smile back and maybe approach me. I used to be the one to approach others but I can't do that anymore.

This is me too. But I've always had trouble. I tend to get very anxious, to the point of breaking out in a cold sweat and wanting to run away. I have trouble entering rooms full of people I already know much less strangers.
 

HollyGolightly

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This is me too. But I've always had trouble. I tend to get very anxious, to the point of breaking out in a cold sweat and wanting to run away. I have trouble entering rooms full of people I already know much less strangers.

I live off my nerves. The more I'm smiling and cracking jokes the more I'm crapping my pants (not literally, that would be awfully embarassing). :D
I hate large gatherings of people, even people I know.
The curse of being an overly self conscious introvert... =(
 
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