[INFJ] INFJs and ENFJs: how do you behave when meeting a new group in which you know NO ONE?

[Domino]

I live off my nerves. The more I'm smiling and cracking jokes the more I'm crapping my pants (not literally, that would be awfully embarassing).

LOL! Me too. (not the poo though... *glances about nervously*)

I freeze up when a bunch of people are staring at me. This was unfortunate when I was a mechanic and every guy in the garage made it their business to collect around my bay and stare at what I was doing when I had to do something really hard and they wanted to see if I would fail or come through. I can't handle having an audience like that. I feel like I'm surrounded by hyenas.

I hate large gatherings of people, even people I know.
The curse of being an overly self conscious introvert... =(

Hmm. If that's your curse, I wonder what the heck is wrong with *me*. My ENFP sister spent her life dragging me places and trying to get me to try new things. Without her (and my ESFP and ENTJ best friends), I would still be a wallflower, I think.

 

[proteanmix]

Since my need for making contact with others is greater than any social anxieties I may have I don't really have a problem being comfortable with people I don't know. It's something I've had to do since leaving for college at 18, it was either get over it or stand there awkwardly and defensively with some social shield.

I meet people through social networking events or through my personal interests. I'm active in a movie group so I meet strangers on a monthly basis. Most people are also there knowing no one so they tend to make an effort to reach out and be friendly. I went swing dancing around Labor Day and a friend was supposed to meet me but ended up being nearly two hours late. People came up to me and asked me if I wanted to dance (men and women ) and when we weren't dancing we made friendly conversation. I've gone to a couple of free gallery events (free wine and food!) and you just kinda start talking about what's in front of your face and go from there. I went to a few holiday parties and at one of them although I knew the person who invited me, I didn't know any of the other guests. Once again, I felt like most people were friendly. I don't know, I'm unusually optimistic about meeting new people in that I've experience more good things than bad things.

And a lot of this is reading body language, if someone's standing there alone and you make eye contact and they smile it's usually a sign they welcome any friendliness. Behaviorally, I tend to look around for friendly and open faces, I go to people who are having animated conversations, listen for awhile and when an opportunity presents itself I insert myself into the conversation.

When looking at groups to join in with, (usually only 2-5 people) I look for the ones who literally have a looser configuration, meaning the people have a the social distance of about 5 ft or so around them. That indicates they don't know each other very well either and are welcome to more people joining in. If they're literally standing very close to each other, I don't try to join in because they're a closed group not looking for anyone else to come in.

When looking for individuals to talk to, I look for people who have open body language and expressions on their faces. Some people have their arms crossed and look tense, are holding their drink defensively, with uninviting expressions on their faces, I don't try to engage. Honestly one of the negative consequences of being on this forum is that whereas in the past I'd approach people like that, now I'm like eff 'em. I know it's raunchy but I have a perception in my mind that I did not have previously about them silently and superiorally judging the other people at the event and how banal they are. Some of the quieter individuals perk up when you smile and make eye contact with them and I don't have a problem with those people.

RE feeback: I completely agree with that, I'm a very high feedback person but for me that doesn't necessarily mean approval-seeking. I'm not particularly approval-seeking or a people-pleaser (too much egoism for that!), but I do need to know where and how I stand, positive or negative. In my personal life this isn't so much an issue but professionally it is very much an issue.

 

[JoSunshine]

INFJs, ENFJs, what do you do when interacting with a new group (none of the members you know in the least) in a long-term setting?

Terrified! My fear only applies if the people in the group already know each other. I worry that I may be imposing or upsetting the established group dynamic. It takes me a while to "find my place" in the group.

Now on the other hand, if none of us know each other, I am usually very chatty and gregarious. I kind of take on the role of breaking the ice and getting everyone to feel comfy with each other

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I smile at people when they look at me, and then look for an available seat away from people. I'm comfortable sitting alone in a group. If someone talks to me, I'll make an effort to ask them at least one question about whatever they are talking about, and I will usually find a way to say something positive about whatever they are talking about. (I sincerely mean whatever it is I figured out to say.) Then I usually leave early.

 

[wedekit]

Integrating myself into a group where I do not know anyone is a tricky matter for me on many levels. Generally, it all really depends on the environment. For example, if I don't feel particularly welcome by the group I don't mind doing my own thing and not being very social. Of course, that usually always results in the group assuming I'm a snob and make me feel even more unwelcome.

However, at this point in my life I usually put myself out there to break the ice in order to get it over with. I have been stand-offish in awkward/unfamiliar social situations my entire life and it honestly has rarely worked in my favor. Occasionally a "leader" of the group is somewhat aware of introverted tendencies in others and goes out of their way to help me integrate/mingle with everyone. Actually, ExFJs are usually those beautiful people.

I'm pretty socially adept (Fe and whatnot), but I don't feel an irresistible desire to be social. I honestly don't mind not being part of the group. Sure, it's nice and all... but I can honestly entertain myself. The only thing that ever really gets to me is when the group maintains a "you're either with us or against us" attitude. That usually just results in ridiculous drama that I don't care being part of.

Hopefully this reply is actually related to the thread...

 

[mangosandpies]

as an enfj, i personally have one person who i become close with, civil with most, and then one person whos personality type really clashes with mine. i tend to bind closely with one person and talk to the rest as if they are my friends. i usually am the one to initiate conversation.

 

[HollyGolightly]

LOL! Me too. (not the poo though... *glances about nervously*)

I freeze up when a bunch of people are staring at me. This was unfortunate when I was a mechanic and every guy in the garage made it their business to collect around my bay and stare at what I was doing when I had to do something really hard and they wanted to see if I would fail or come through. I can't handle having an audience like that. I feel like I'm surrounded by hyenas.



Hmm. If that's your curse, I wonder what the heck is wrong with *me*. My ENFP sister spent her life dragging me places and trying to get me to try new things. Without her (and my ESFP and ENTJ best friends), I would still be a wallflower, I think.

Well you don't have to be an introvert to be self-concious or not have much self belief. My mother is ENFJ and she doesn't like learning things in front of people or doing something particularly difficult as she feels that everyone is waiting for her to fail. She is also self concious about her appearance, she thinks she's unnattractive so she often feels inadequate when she's in a room full of people, especially females. But she hides behind her charm to cover these insecurities, plus she is stimulated by social interaction. I feel exactly the same way as she does but I'm so introverted that I can't hide it for very long.
Maybe you just have low confidence?

 

[nynesneg]

Terrified! My fear only applies if the people in the group already know each other. I worry that I may be imposing or upsetting the established group dynamic. It takes me a while to "find my place" in the group.

Now on the other hand, if none of us know each other, I am usually very chatty and gregarious. I kind of take on the role of breaking the ice and getting everyone to feel comfy with each other

This is exactly how I am, although I would describe it only as uncomfortable. If I walk into a room of pre-existing friends from when I was young (church or highschool), I feel the same uncomfortableness of when I was that age - odd man out... even though we've all grown up and gone our own ways. Sometimes it's the same with more closed pre-existing groups.


However I have the greatest time striking up conversations with complete strangers. Was at a grocery store magazine rack the other day, started talking to the florist about how she wants to start her own business.

At parties it can be akward at first, but generally alot of people don't know each other so it works. If I'm in a group of 5-6 friendly open people, and know one, I have a blast getting to know the rest right off the bat. I can easily find something in common with anybody to talk about.

 

[proteanmix]

Am I the only Fe-dom who isn't particularly nervous about this?

Some anxiety is natural, but I get over it rather quickly. It seems to me that most of the ENFJs who've responded in this thread are especially anxious. Am I understanding correctly?

ETA: I went to a job interview in October and while I was nervous I was also really exhilarated. I felt like it was an opportunity to perform and test my skills in a really important way. When I lead a meeting at work, I feel the same way...my excitement overrides my nervousness. I guess, I just view these instances as an opportunity to "test" my Fe.

 

[nynesneg]

I have an interesting observational question for everyone, particularly you Protean...

My lack of ease at work, is probably alot attributable to how I'm obsessive about my career in the first place. So my quality of work greatly matters to me. Simplified, my primary motivation in life in general is succeeding, and making a difference out there.

In a relationship though, I really don't care about approval. I totally call the shots. Also in my circles of friends, I'm not particularly close to anyone locally, but I don't need their approval.

Are you this same way?

ETA: I went to a job interview in October and while I was nervous I was also really exhilarated. I felt like it was an opportunity to perform and test my skills in a really important way. I guess, I just view these instances as an opportunity to "test" my Fe.

Interesting example. Yeah, I had five job interviews this past fall and was very excited before each one of them. (the giddy enfj happiness ) But it was more based on the satisfaction that all my effort in sending out letters and phone calls had gotten enough attention and that they liked my skills.

The weird thing is, generally speaking I thrive on challenges... Guess it's just more when I'm feeling confident, not doubting my ability. Have become jaded the last couple years.

 

[Afkan]

.....RE feeback: I completely agree with that, I'm a very high feedback person but for me that doesn't necessarily mean approval-seeking. I'm not particularly approval-seeking or a people-pleaser (too much egoism for that!), but I do need to know where and how I stand, positive or negative. In my personal life this isn't so much an issue but professionally it is very much an issue.

I seek approval, but usually only from my superiors. And most often not even from them enough...I need to work on being more respectful to authority I see myself as the approval giver (thus MY egoism!)

Am I the only Fe-dom who isn't particularly nervous about this?

Some anxiety is natural, but I get over it rather quickly. It seems to me that most of the ENFJs who've responded in this thread are especially anxious. Am I understanding correctly?

If I remember correctly, aren't you closer to the s side of the continuum?
esfjs, all of em i know, are way comfy w/ brief interactions w/ ppl they've just met. Masters of small talk...and putting people at ease. Me, I have less motivation unless I know i will be getting to know the person better. I think for me the goal is getting to know ppl better, and the esfjs i know, their goal is to put ppl at ease... and ppl typically like the latter more I think maybe us enfjs, myself at least, we get nervous bc we sense others discomfort...but run of the mill discomfort is not enough to motivate me to put the average person's comfort as my #1 priority. I'm more likely to try boosting someone's self esteem or something "weird" like that jk.

ETA: I went to a job interview in October and while I was nervous I was also really exhilarated. I felt like it was an opportunity to perform and test my skills in a really important way. When I lead a meeting at work, I feel the same way...my excitement overrides my nervousness. I guess, I just view these instances as an opportunity to "test" my Fe.

ESFJs i know, all of them, are PROS at job interviews and LOVE them. My hubby is esfj, and every job interview he goes to ends up lasting for hours... he once said an interview "didn't go well" bc it lasted 45 minutes

 

[Afkan]

Integrating myself into a group where I do not know anyone is a tricky matter for me on many levels. Generally, it all really depends on the environment. For example, if I don't feel particularly welcome by the group I don't mind doing my own thing and not being very social. Of course, that usually always results in the group assuming I'm a snob and make me feel even more unwelcome.

However, at this point in my life I usually put myself out there to break the ice in order to get it over with. I have been stand-offish in awkward/unfamiliar social situations my entire life and it honestly has rarely worked in my favor. Occasionally a "leader" of the group is somewhat aware of introverted tendencies in others and goes out of their way to help me integrate/mingle with everyone. Actually, ExFJs are usually those beautiful people.

And We ExFJs LOVE doing this kinda thing, so its mutually beneficial, really!

I'm pretty socially adept (Fe and whatnot), but I don't feel an irresistible desire to be social. I honestly don't mind not being part of the group. Sure, it's nice and all... but I can honestly entertain myself. The only thing that ever really gets to me is when the group maintains a "you're either with us or against us" attitude. That usually just results in ridiculous drama that I don't care being part of.

Hopefully this reply is actually related to the thread...

Of course it is relevant. You give a honest & descriptive subjective account of anxieties/resistance to socializing an infj like yourself might have. If I understand correctly, you are saying that you don't have an inherent motivation or drive to socialize. The quality of the group has a heavy weigh in value regarding whether you want to put yourself out there.

 

[Afkan]

...In a relationship though, I really don't care about approval. I totally call the shots. Also in my circles of friends, I'm not particularly close to anyone locally, but I don't need their approval.
Are you this same way?

Absolutely.

 

[quietmusician]

I'm quiet as soon as I enter the room. But I have this determined appearance about myself, so I've heard. If someone says 'hello' I return the greeting and that's pretty much sums up my interaction for the time being. Of course as the weeks go by there's a chance I will express myself. I do become really nervous and have experienced panic attacks. But I do my best to focus on what needs to get done so I can flee the setting.

 

[Glycerine]

Oh, I just realized something today. It all depends on the group dynamics for me. For example, I am taking the same professor again this semester. I am a lot quieter and toned down compared to last semester. The difference seems to be that the vibe of the class this semester is calm and quiet while last semester, the vibe was high energy and social. I am a huge sponge...

 

[Afkan]

Oh, I just realized something today. It all depends on the group dynamics for me. For example, I am taking the same professor again this semester. I am a lot quieter and toned down compared to last semester. The difference seems to be that the vibe of the class this semester is calm and quiet while last semester, the vibe was high energy and social. I am a huge sponge...

Like Spongebob Squarepants!!!

 

[Glycerine]

Like Spongebob Squarepants!!!

Except for I'm not as square.

 

[Afkan]

 

[nynesneg]

Almost posted something here on Tuesday about that. After the thread on ENFJs manipulating environments, I've been curious about this topic of ENFJs+social settings.

I was so happy and excited on Tues, just for the start of the school semester, my new job, got to the gym, and some freelance marketing I'm going to be doing. I'm crazy, but have my schedule planned out for over 60 hours of my week and most of that I'll be doing what I love - marketing/design. Two jobs, full time school, a business competition, and the gym this semester. Haha!

Anyway, after class I spoke with this woman (whom I barely met) and she said my infectious happiness just sitting in her class made her feel happy and "hyper" too that day.

Makes me feel good to actually make others happy.

 

[Afkan]

Anyway, after class I spoke with this woman and she said my infectious happiness made her feel happy and "hyper" too that day.

Makes me feel good to actually make others happy.

Yay!