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[MBTI General] Do INFx's really want to be approached?

INTPness

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Jan 22, 2009
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5w4
It's a famous Twilight Zone episode with William Shatner. I'm sure the episode did give plenty of people nightmares, my dad for one.

Is that the episode where that monster looking guy is on the wing of the airplane? I still haven't seen that episode. Jim Carrey did a parody of that episode in Ace Ventura 2.
 

Sarcasticus

Circus Maximus
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May 3, 2008
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1,037
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5w4
Visa's How To Approach A Girl 101

After you've done all the subtle flirting and eye-contact stuff, stare at your phone for a while and pretend to be doing some important messaging. (If you really want this to be especially effective, actually get into a heated, opinionated text-argument with a friend- you can show her the messages yourself, which gives you some opportunity to get physically close to her as well) At some point in time, give an especially exasperated sigh, roll your eyes- something that'll make her notice that you're annoyed with something on your phone. Give her a "tired" i-don't-know-why-i-go-through-this sort of smile, and she'll most probably smile back.

Ask for her opinion on something. You can't go wrong there. Don't ask for the time, because that's close-ended. Go over, give your most friendly and charming smile (again) and say something along the lines of "sorry to bother you, but i'm in a heated argument and I really need an opinion..." Nobody's going to turn down giving someone an opinion- not even the hottest of girls. If you seem like you genuinely want their opinion, they will most certainly give it to you- it's a small and simple favour that takes no effort to do. Try to ask a question that's complex and needs some thinking. Observe her in advance and try to make it relevant- is she reading a book? is she wearing glasses? is she wearing shoes? you could be pretending to argue with your friend who claims that the girl he likes is going to think he's a creep if he buys her lingerie, but you think it's kinda sweet. Whatever. Do guys cheat on girls more, or vice versa? Who lies more in relationships? Something subjective. Asking a funny but interesting and effective question is an art form in itself. (Pickup artists call this the opener, and often have many different ones at their fingertips.)

Along the way you end up progressing into a normal conversation, with an escape clause if there isn't any chemistry. Have your body language directed away initially so that she doesn't get uncomfortable with your sudden invasion of her personal space- sit at the side of the seat opposite her, for example, and be on your toes as if you're about to leave any second. If she gives you more attention, slowly and casually move more fully into the seat- and before you know it you're on an impromptu date. Say, have you ever tried the donuts down the street? They're awesome!...

You're welcome!

Not bad, but lose the "sorry to bother you, but . . . ".

You're bothering her? Why are you sorry? Just say, "hey I need a female opinion on something" or whatever feels right to you.
 

Grace

New member
Joined
Aug 13, 2009
Messages
426
MBTI Type
INTJ
Is that the episode where that monster looking guy is on the wing of the airplane? I still haven't seen that episode. Jim Carrey did a parody of that episode in Ace Ventura 2.

That's the one. It's quite ridiculous but it did give a lot of people a scare when it first came out.
 

visaisahero

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557
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ENTP
Not bad, but lose the "sorry to bother you, but . . . ".

You're bothering her? Why are you sorry? Just say, "hey I need a female opinion on something" or whatever feels right to you.

Both styles can work, it depends on the context. I personally do the slightly-apologetic thing because I'm a performer and I normally come across as naturally charismatic- so in this situation I try not to come across as too polished because it can be misread to be a little bit smarmy and overly rehearsed. Rehearsed is the last thing you would expect from an ENTP, but perception is reality and impressions count.

I think we would both agree that the most important thing is to be comfortable, but not too much so. Letting her see a little bit of shyness or nervousness can endear you to her; but then and again it really depends on the individual girl. Trial and error is the only real way to figure out the best approach for the individual- your subconscious will help you out.

EDIT: Besides, if you say sorry-to-bother-you with a big charming smile, she'll know you're not sorry at all. ;) It's polite, chivalrous, flirtatious, confident-without-being-cocky and all the nice things that girls want in their boys. I guess that's why I subconsciously left it in.
 

SilkRoad

Lay the coin on my tongue
Joined
May 26, 2009
Messages
3,932
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INFJ
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6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I’d looked at this thread before and remembered it last night.

I went out on my own to one of my favourite sushi bars (with one of those rolling conveyor belts). Usually when I eat out I go with a friend or friends, but in places I’ve been quite a few times and feel comfortable, I will occasionally go alone. I felt like getting out of the house (I live alone) and I felt like having sushi. :D They were having a cheap night too, though given that it’s sushi it’s still not that “cheap.”

The place was rammed because of the cheap night but I was squeezed into one of the stools by the rolling bar. I had a book that I flipped through a few times (Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, haha). Mainly I was just eyeing the sushi, looking around the place a bit, and staring off into space. I would kind of like to see a picture/video of myself when I am doing the thinking/staring into space thing (I wasn’t just zoning out, I was thinking about various things). I have a feeling I look like a bit of a fool but there must be something unusual about the look on my face, because I quite often get even total strangers (whether or not they’re hitting on me!) going “you look very serious” or “don’t look so sad” when I’m like that.

There was a guy across the bar who had made eye contact with me once when I happened to glance up in his direction but I thought nothing of it. About fifteen minutes after that, when I’d been there for a while, he appeared at my shoulder (and like I said, there were tons of people in this place, it was jammed) and said “Excuse me.” I turned and probably looked startled and said “yes?” He smiled and said “You look like you’re deep in thought” and I kind of smiled and said “yes, yes I guess I am.” He then said “Would you think about randomly going out for a drink with someone one day?”

There might be some version of reality where I would have said “yes” but for various reasons that is just not on the books at the moment (although I am single) and I’m not sure I am the type of person at all who would go out with someone who asked me in that kind of context. (I’m more comfortable with going out with someone I actually know at least a little bit!) So I said “I won’t, but thanks anyway” politely. He said (also politely) “ok, I’ll leave you to it then” and went back to his seat. I saw him reading his newspaper for a bit, then he paid his bill and left.

I felt a bit self-conscious particularly as there were loads of people around who would have seen/heard this but overall I felt rather flattered than otherwise. This kind of thing doesn’t happen to me that much – well, like many women I at least occasionally get hit on just on the street by sleazy guys who seem to think that if they proposition enough women they might get someone to have sex with them (seriously, what is that?). But it was kind of nice to know that this guy found me attractive although I had my serious/spaced-out look on my face. (I also appreciated the fact that he didn’t push it when I said no.) I think a lot of men would find this intimidating or off-putting rather than otherwise. I’ve been told enough times by people of either sex that I’m attractive that I think there must be some truth in it :D but at the same time I don’t get approached much. I think I must look a bit intimidating (I’m also six feet tall) or else a bit too serious/stand-offish.

Basically, for the purposes of this thread, what I’d say about all this is I might be flattered if you approach me in much the way this guy did (polite and non-pushy), but I’ll probably say no. :D
 

CzeCze

RETIRED
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Sep 11, 2007
Messages
8,975
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GONE
I think this question is cute and not in a patronizing way...at least not totally...I swear :laugh: I.E. - an introvert asking how best to approach another introvert (or really, whether they should approach the other introvert at all!)

I will say in my experience with INXPs, yes, definitely approach the girl in such a situation. And don't say that you'll get awkward if she's awkward...dood...no offense but if indeed you are *both* INXPs :huh: Just assume there *will* be some awkwardness but it can be copacetic awkwardness! I knew an INTP who could be a total pimp (she's also really cute) but some have accused her of awkwardness. How is possible to approach women and be awkward and still be considered a pimp? Don't ask how, just take reassurance in the fact that it *can* and does happen.

The eye contact cues you picked up are honestly some of the only cues you will pick up from any stranger in public that they may or may not want to talk to you. That and a smile.

So take the plunge!

I will say in the case of the INFPs I befriended or dated, they were all glad I approached them. And trust me, our relationships would NOT have happened if I had not approached them.

The INFPs who didn't want to be approached...well, I never spoke to them long enough to even confirm their type or even their names sometimes and consequently I do not remember them. ;) And I'm sure the 3-5 seconds I interacted with them did not scar them or offend them horribly either. I'm sure they forgot about me just as quickly if not more quickly.

So basically, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose. So in answer to your question - YES!

(Just assume all the above is true for INFJs as well as INFPs...)
 

heart

heart on fire
Joined
May 19, 2007
Messages
8,456
I'd prefer a person to just be calm and friendly.

I can't deal well with new people who try to be super funny or super coming on strong or trying to be too impressive. Also any wiff of fake and I am ready to bolt.

When I am new to a person, it can be hard for me to extrovert with a lot of energy with them, esepcially if they start pushing me to go faster than I can. I think people often mistake this for me not being interested in being friends. I tend to warm up slow at first.

Lots of foced eye contact or overdone playfulness could make a young INFP shy and give them the urge to run.

Awkwardness better any day than fake coolness or overdone charm.

Visa's How To Approach A Girl 101

After you've done all the subtle flirting and eye-contact stuff, stare at your phone for a while and pretend to be doing some important messaging. (If you really want this to be especially effective, actually get into a heated, opinionated text-argument with a friend- you can show her the messages yourself, which gives you some opportunity to get physically close to her as well) At some point in time, give an especially exasperated sigh, roll your eyes- something that'll make her notice that you're annoyed with something on your phone. Give her a "tired" i-don't-know-why-i-go-through-this sort of smile, and she'll most probably smile back.

Ask for her opinion on something. You can't go wrong there. Don't ask for the time, because that's close-ended. Go over, give your most friendly and charming smile (again) and say something along the lines of "sorry to bother you, but i'm in a heated argument and I really need an opinion..." Nobody's going to turn down giving someone an opinion- not even the hottest of girls. If you seem like you genuinely want their opinion, they will most certainly give it to you- it's a small and simple favour that takes no effort to do. Try to ask a question that's complex and needs some thinking. Observe her in advance and try to make it relevant- is she reading a book? is she wearing glasses? is she wearing shoes? you could be pretending to argue with your friend who claims that the girl he likes is going to think he's a creep if he buys her lingerie, but you think it's kinda sweet. Whatever. Do guys cheat on girls more, or vice versa? Who lies more in relationships? Something subjective. Asking a funny but interesting and effective question is an art form in itself. (Pickup artists call this the opener, and often have many different ones at their fingertips.)



...

When I was younger, this type of thing would have set my BS meter off so loud, I would have just been very nice and very keen to get the hell away from the guy. I am sorry to have to say it, but that's the truth.

I'd probably have a better since of humor today but still it would be irksome to deal with.

I'd just say act as natural as possible. Ask her something straightforward about her book or something like that, even if it sounds dumb if it is sincere, it will sing true and that's what will matter most and see where things go from there.
 

visaisahero

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Nov 13, 2009
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When I was younger, this type of thing would have set my BS meter off so loud, I would have just been very nice and very keen to get the hell away from the guy. I am sorry to have to say it, but that's the truth. I'd probably have a better since of humor today but still it would be irksome to deal with.

I'd just say act as natural as possible. Ask her something straightforward about her book or something like that, even if it sounds dumb if it is sincere, it will sing true and that's what will matter most and see where things go from there.

Hey! :)

I want you to know that our two perspectives are not mutually exclusive. I agree completely that fake charm stinks from a mile away. Sincerity is the most important thing, and I'm sure we can both agree on that.

I'm not suggesting that guys should develop a cold, rehearsed routine- in fact I believe it should be as natural as possible. But you must also remember that for some guys, "as natural as possible" means being shifty, awkward, shy, defeatist and weak-willed around attractive women- and that won't get them very far.

So there is an almost paradoxical situation where we want a man to be as natural as possible, while being at his best at the same time. Good posture, a clear, deep voice, a shapely body, a comfortable smile- few of these come naturally to the average guy, but surely if they did, they would increase his odds of success! So it is the individual's responsibility to make being charismatic, desirable and fun "as natural as possible".
 

heart

heart on fire
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May 19, 2007
Messages
8,456
Hey! :)

I want you to know that our two perspectives are not mutually exclusive. I agree completely that fake charm stinks from a mile away. Sincerity is the most important thing, and I'm sure we can both agree on that.

I'm not suggesting that guys should develop a cold, rehearsed routine- in fact I believe it should be as natural as possible. But you must also remember that for some guys, "as natural as possible" means being shifty, awkward, shy, defeatist and weak-willed around attractive women- and that won't get them very far.

So there is an almost paradoxical situation where we want a man to be as natural as possible, while being at his best at the same time. Good posture, a clear, deep voice, a shapely body, a comfortable smile- few of these come naturally to the average guy, but surely if they did, they would increase his odds of success! So it is the individual's responsibility to make being charismatic, desirable and fun "as natural as possible".


A guy's smile doesn't have to be "comfortable" for me to like him nor does he have to have ramrod posture, his voice could quaver on the first meeting and first date. So for me, it's different.

Some awkwardness is fine, can even be quite endearing and I'd sure rather have that than some made up nonsense about 'Hey my buddy is cheating on his girl, what do you think?"

And God help me, nothing is worse than having to deal with some guy who is trying extra hard to be charismatic, desirable and "fun".

If an awkward, shy, socially unsure INTP wants an INFP, good grief, just be yourself and go for it. There's probably no other type who is going to be more likely overlook and even be appreciative of your sincere, awkward, nerdy self. Honestly.

INTP dude, you like what? Philosophy, science? Just make convo about that.
 

odetoio

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Feb 15, 2010
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In a potential mutual attraction situation, if you’ve got the mustard for it do it and stay out of the analytical side of your thought process. Cupid doesn’t treat people who think too much very well, besides even if you get shot down the experience is still so exciting. Adrenalin pumping, heart racing, get all flushed in the cheeks, can be quite exhilarating.

“Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
-Ferris Bueller
 

Mempy

Mamma said knock you out
Joined
Jul 29, 2007
Messages
2,227
So, a priest walks into a bar. OK, let me start over. So, the other night I walk into a large bookstore and I immediately see this girl at a table in the coffeehouse section. She's by herself, sipping a coffee and reading a book. She looks up at me, we make brief eye contact, and then we both look away quickly. I browse for several minutes in the "Biography" section and then walk back her way - kind of hoping there might be more eye contact, but kind of dreading it too (afterall, I'm an INTP in public). Sure enough, she looks up and has that sweet but sly NF look.

All I could think was, "I bet she's an INFx. If only I were an ENTP right now." It struck me funny that MBTI was where my mind went first. Anyhow, I wanted to go strike up an interesting conversation with her, but I didn't want to intrude and also it just seems a bit awkward.

Anyhow, this raises the question - do INFx's want to be approached? In a situation like this, where I like what I see in terms of looks and style and some fairly positive eye-contact has been made, should I just walk out the door and go home or should I approach you and at least make some conversation? I guarantee that I can make you laugh at least once, but I don't want to make you uncomfortable at your little corner table in the bookstore coffeehouse. If I know it's awkward for you, then I'm going to get awkward and it's going to get strange for both of us real fast.

Advice, INFx's?

I think just go for it. I mean, at least eight times out of ten, I bet, you'll be successful. No guy who has ever tried to start a conversation with me has been unsuccessful, unless I've only been aware of the attempts of those who have been successful.

I think that eye contact is, if not an invitation to a conversation, at least a good signal that, should you approach them to strike one, they won't be startled. They know you exist now. Their first awareness of your existence won't be when you're breathing down their neck.

What I'd probably do, is try to find a seat somewhere close to her--maybe a table away, so she still has plenty of body space, but you're close enough for sociable interaction. (I know this situation is done and over, but this is for next time.) Then, from your strategic position, interrupt her absorption with her book using your voice. I wouldn't know what to say, but guys have used this approach on me before, at the library, and it's always worked to get my attention in a clear and genial way. One guy, strange enough, had this little--I think teapot--of coffee, and two tiny teacups, on the table where he was sitting. He got my attention by clearly saying, "Would you like some coffee?" I refused at first, laughing, and not believing that some stranger was offering me coffee out of the blue, but he must have been a good salesman, because he got me to drink his coffee, and I liked the chat we had.

It's almost like he had two teacups for exactly the purpose of inviting people to try his coffee. (And yes, I know, women shouldn't accept drinks from strangers, but there were an array of factors that ensured I was totally safe.) It achieved one thing that was probably helpful in starting a conversation, namely, that it got me to get up and walk over to his table.

I think, most of the time, everyone really likes being approached. If you're an amiable guy and just want to have a little conversation, I think that can't help but come across. I really doubt it would make her that uncomfortable, you approaching her. She might be surprised, but surprise quickly gives way to interest. In my case, anyway.
 
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