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[MBTI General] Do INFx's really want to be approached?

INTPness

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Lots of good input. Generally speaking, do you INFx's even want a significant other? If you're like me - sometimes you do and sometimes you'd rather just be left to be alone. It's fun to be fairly independent - and obviously it comes natural to us introverts, but then there are times you really do want to be in a relationship with someone who is compatible (key word).

Does whether or not you want to be in a relationship change depending upon the circumstances in your life? Or would you say that generally you couldn't care less if you were in a long-term relationship?
 

cascadeco

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Lots of good input. Generally speaking, do you INFx's even want a significant other?

This seems funny to me...I would think it would be more rare for an INFx to NOT want a significant other!!

For myself, yes. But I'll elaborate below.

If you're like me - sometimes you do and sometimes you'd rather just be left to be alone. It's fun to be fairly independent - and obviously it comes natural to us introverts, but then there are times you really do want to be in a relationship with someone who is compatible (key word).

Does whether or not you want to be in a relationship change depending upon the circumstances in your life? Or would you say that generally you couldn't care less if you were in a long-term relationship?

There have certainly been a handful of periods in my life when I have withdrawn myself from the dating scene, and convinced myself that I didn't desire any of it. With this came a boosting of 'independence', such that I started to scorn the notion of relationships. But ultimately this was just a protective maneuver, trying to shield myself from potential hurt/complication/etc. And, it also coincided with lower esteem, lack of trust in others, or a belief that I wasn't suitable for anyone, I was 'too x' or 'too y' or 'too z', so why bother...the likelihood of my mutually hitting it off with someone was so unlikely that the whole notion seemed depressing and a setup for disappointment.

But the fact that I still thought about relationships and all of that throughout my times of withdrawal really just pointed to the fact that I DID want to be in one, I was just afraid, distrustful, too low in confidence, or (tied to low confidence) didn't believe I was healthy enough to even be in one or be good for anybody.
 

Thursday

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yes - i like the other person to have more initiative than I
 

INTPness

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This seems funny to me...I would think it would be more rare for an INFx to NOT want a significant other!!

You guys are just so fiercely independent. Almost like you can't be bothered with a relationship. I know you care about people and all, but the girl by herself at the farmer's market who gets her stuff and rushes out of there to get home hardly screams "Come talk to me!" And plus, introverts naturally turn away from people and interaction, while extroverts turn towards people. Not saying that introverts don't ever want to interact, just saying that I know for myself my high degree of introversion makes my independence enjoyable.

There have certainly been a handful of periods in my life when I have withdrawn myself from the dating scene, and convinced myself that I didn't desire any of it. With this came a boosting of 'independence', such that I started to scorn the notion of relationships. But ultimately this was just a protective maneuver, trying to shield myself from potential hurt/complication/etc. And, it also coincided with lower esteem, lack of trust in others, or a belief that I wasn't suitable for anyone, I was 'too x' or 'too y' or 'too z', so why bother...the likelihood of my mutually hitting it off with someone was so unlikely that the whole notion seemed depressing and a setup for disappointment.

But the fact that I still thought about relationships and all of that throughout my times of withdrawal really just pointed to the fact that I DID want to be in one, I was just afraid, distrustful, too low in confidence, or (tied to low confidence) didn't believe I was healthy enough to even be in one or be good for anybody.

Yeah, I could see a lot of myself in what you wrote. I definitely desire a relationship, but I don't look forward to the maintenance and complications that come with it, so half the time I just think, "Eh, I'm fine by myself right now."
 

BlackCat

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I'm pretty sure every introvert prefers to be approached.
 

Snuggletron

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I'm pretty sure every introvert prefers to be approached.

I wouldn't say that, although I would say that it would take an introvert longer to approach someone than it would an extrovert. Especially an extrovert with Se dom or aux.
 

BlackCat

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I wouldn't say that, although I would say that it would take an introvert longer to approach someone than it would an extrovert. Especially an extrovert with Se dom or aux.

Well, when I said prefer I didn't mean that introverts refuse to approach people. Prefer! :p
 

LotsOfHeart

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I personally like it, in most cases. Then again I'm a guy, so like other posters mentioned gender differences might play a role. Keep in mind though, that I believe if you're in a random public place, and someone approaches you, you should be wary because you don't know who that person is. If it's someone I know, even if I just barely know them, I feel much more comfortable. Better safe than sorry. Like I said though, most women aren't gonna approach random guys (although some do), and if a random guy approached me and was just trying to make conversation, I might have to end up telling him I'm straight.

The problem a lot of women have is that they're being hit on all the time, often by guys who are creeps. So you have to distinguish yourself as different from all of those other guys if you want to get anywhere. This isn't as tough as it looks provided you can present a good self-image, without coming across as braggy. In other words, don't tell unless asked.

But people I know approaching me, even if I've just met them once, I'm always open for it, unless you're intruding on me when I don't want to be around people, i.e. you knock on my door without calling first. An example of how I like to be approached by women: one time a girl was chasing after me and I walked slower so she could catch me.

Well, to get to the point in my long-winded post...I think you should go for it, just make sure you don't freak her out. If she does "diss" you even if you approach her the right way, it probably has more to do with her than you, i.e. she has a boyfriend, has problems, or just wants privacy.

Lastly, be careful with typing people right off. It's not really possible a lot of the time to type someone just by looking at them once from far away. I confused a good friend of mine, an ISFP, for an ENFJ (I guess introverted/extroverted feeling mix up). So, be careful not to label someone immediately.
 

runvardh

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I'm a guy and would rather not require it, but sometimes a girl has to just go get me to notice... :doh:
 

Lacey

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Lots of good input. Generally speaking, do you INFx's even want a significant other?
I either want to be in a relationship, or I'm not thinking about it. :D
You guys are just so fiercely independent. Almost like you can't be bothered with a relationship. I know you care about people and all, but the girl by herself at the farmer's market who gets her stuff and rushes out of there to get home hardly screams "Come talk to me!" And plus, introverts naturally turn away from people and interaction, while extroverts turn towards people.
See...I've been realizing something lately. I'm an introvert, but I don't like being alone. I just like being with 1-3 other people (close friends). Any more than that and it starts to take a toll on me. But being all by myself? No way. I start to lose my mind after a few hours.

Of course, that could just be me...? I obviously can't speak for everyone else. (Also, maybe this is starting to go into the enneagram sx-so-sp variants, but I don't know a ton about those.)
Yeah, I could see a lot of myself in what you wrote. I definitely desire a relationship, but I don't look forward to the maintenance and complications that come with it, so half the time I just think, "Eh, I'm fine by myself right now."
...I definitely think family and friend relationships require a lot of maintenance too and come with their own complications. ;)
 

Lauren

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I'm fairly shy when it comes to initiating things. If someone makes eye contact with me and the vibe is a good one, then I feel more comfortable initiating. I feel much more comfortable with it than I used to simply because sometimes I want to know if the other person is interested or not. When I'm passive, I'm likely to never find out.

I appreciated someone's thoughts here that NO one is likely to know if an NF is interested. I've also felt that the vibes I'm giving off must be incredibly obvious, but I see that that may not be the case. With the man I'm interested in, we got along like a house on fire right from the start....but even then, I can seemingly be so casual appearing on the outside when on the inside I'm churning, that I'm not sure he knew how I felt. Only recently have I made my feelings more known to him by saying certain unmistakable things. I got a good piece of advice from someone about that discomfort I feel being direct and I try to remember it (I'm not always successful). That is: just do it and live with the discomfort. In other words, become friends with the uncomfortable feeling. Know you're going to get butterflies in your stomach, and sweaty palms, and take the step anyway. With my friend, I found it a relief to take even small steps to make it more clear because, honestly, though he's an NF, and we've been intensely flirting for a few months now, I don't think he knew for sure...
 

JocktheMotie

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Why would I approach an INFx? They're on enough anti-depressants as it is.
 

hokie912

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Yes, I like to be approached. Being shy, I am not likely to ever initiate with a guy.
The setting you described sounds mellow, not like she was in a hurry and couldn't be bothered. Even if I am not interested, being approached is usually flattering, unless a guy comes off as totally lecherous or bizarre in a bad way. If I am not interested, then I will make it clear as nicely as I can.

If I go alone to places like coffeehouses and bookstores and sit for awhile, then I am usually in a good state to be approached. I may have gone there to be alone and read, but I might actually welcome an interruption because a part of me may also want to be seen and to interact, which is why I left the house :D.

Precisely. I go to coffee places because, in addition to being a relaxing, quiet kind of thing to do, it allows you to see and be seen without necessarily being forced into mingling. I love it if someone approaches me and initiates conversation -- unfortunately, it doesn't happen enough! So my advice to the OP is to go for it next time. Speaking personally, I avoid sustained eye contact unless I'm at least a little interested in or curious about someone.
 

INTPness

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Lastly, be careful with typing people right off. It's not really possible a lot of the time to type someone just by looking at them once from far away.....So, be careful not to label someone immediately.

Oh yeah, I've definitely mistyped people (and for relatively long periods of time). With this particular girl, I typed her (very, very loosely), based not just on looking at her, but on the fact that she was by herself and reading intently, with 2 books at her table while reading the third. I know she could have been any of the 16 types, but my intuition told me she most likely was not an ESTJ, so I felt like I could approach. (If I had to guess, I would have said she was INxx, but of course never with 100% certainty).

You know how you just see someone and you think, "I could talk to that person." Not only that, but I'd LIKE to talk to that person. And I don't mean that in the Se physical attraction way. That probably had *something* to do with why I wanted to approach her (she was a cutie), but it's more of an intuition thing. I was just thinking, "I KNOW that we could talk and have really stimulating conversation. I just KNOW it."

But, well, see, there's this other thing called Ti that gets in the way. Next thing I know I'm kicking myself on the drive home.............
The End
 

CrystalViolet

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If I made eye contact with you twice, I want you to come over. Especially if I smiled. If I wasn't interested, you wouldn't be able to make eye contact with me at all.
 

cafe

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I am really glad my INTP approached me. I wanted an S.O. but I'm kind of shy and it might have taken me awhile to get the nerve up to approach him. Asking about the book she was reading would have been a great opener and she made eye contact with you twice. Very good sign. You may approach.
 

OrangeAppled

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Lots of good input. Generally speaking, do you INFx's even want a significant other? If you're like me - sometimes you do and sometimes you'd rather just be left to be alone. It's fun to be fairly independent - and obviously it comes natural to us introverts, but then there are times you really do want to be in a relationship with someone who is compatible (key word).

Does whether or not you want to be in a relationship change depending upon the circumstances in your life? Or would you say that generally you couldn't care less if you were in a long-term relationship?

I kind of always want a SO, but whether I am actively thinking about it realistically is another story. I do enjoy my independence and have never felt desperate. I'm cool with being single and love my alone time. I've never understood people who cannot handle being alone.

I have had many periods where I just don't feel like dating. It's not about not wanting a relationship so much as all the hassle that goes into finding one. Meeting new people and casual dating gets tiring, and that's partly why I really cannot wait to just be in a serious, long term relationship. I'm sure I am idealizing it, but I feel like it would be a big sigh of relief; now I can relax.... (There is a part of me that fears commitment to the "wrong" person and losing independence, but that's another topic.)

In times when I cannot be bothered with dating, it's often because I am focusing my energy elsewhere and it's simply not a priority (ie. when I was in college). As far as that "you will meet someone when you're not looking for it" theory - not true for me. I have to put myself out there, because I can easily go through life pretty incognito and not sending any inviting vibes out.

Even in those times, I will still fantasize about love and finding it, but it's in the same way I fantasize about being, like, a rock star :cheese: - it's just something to think about to fill time. But I think that my mind and heart are always open to a relationship on some level - the right person makes more of a difference for me than timing. There's always time for someone when you really like them.

You guys are just so fiercely independent. Almost like you can't be bothered with a relationship. I know you care about people and all, but the girl by herself at the farmer's market who gets her stuff and rushes out of there to get home hardly screams "Come talk to me!" And plus, introverts naturally turn away from people and interaction, while extroverts turn towards people. Not saying that introverts don't ever want to interact, just saying that I know for myself my high degree of introversion makes my independence enjoyable.

Are you stalking me? :eek: :D

The contradiction has been noted - and I can't deny it. At least for me, I may long for some deep connection with people, yet I scurry away from them like a little woodland creature. INFPs are kind of like deer - they must be approached gently and quietly so as not to scare. :tongue:

I made some post about misconceptions of INFPs in dating (I think it was in the "INFPs turning INTJs into fuzzy hug addicts" thread), and some INFJs related also; basically, we can be suspicious of feelings formed too quickly. I don't think we get attached as easily to people as they'd expect, and while we may be very loyal, we need to keep a sense of ourselves as individuals and have some space in relationships.
 

Snuggletron

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I don't really relate to the deer thing. Being approached makes things easier.
 

OrangeAppled

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I don't really relate to the deer thing. Being approached makes things easier.

It does for me also, infinitely easier. But I didn't mean a literal approaching - I meant an approaching to a relationship. I personally get scared easily if pushed too fast. And in another sense I meant we may not come off as open to talking to strangers as we may feel internally.
 
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