Less about actively opposing things, you mean? I can understand that. As I grow older, it seems quicker to just go around obstructions in my path. I guess it could be called "Loosing the will to give a shit." Don't know if it's good or bad...don't care much what the rest of the planet is going to do. I only know that the more I'm forced to participate, the less endurance I have between common sense and the urge to say "Fuck off''.
In fourth grade I unwittingly discovered that passive rebellion can be far more effective (and far less painful!) than direct confrontation.
At my school, every morning students and staff would assemble in the central playground to recite the pledge of allegiance and sing...the title escapes me...'bombs bursting in air' was one of the lines.
For reasons that are difficult to explain, I could not bring myself to join in this flag-worshiping ritual. The idea of putting my hand on my heart and reciting these words made me feel embarrassed...stupid even. Even standing there watching made me feel foolish and awkward. See, somewhere or other (probably TV) I'd come to associate the flag with nuclear war. Understand, this was back in 1979, when Russians were called Soviets (among other things) and massive ICBM first strikes from them were a matter of 'when', not 'if'. I realize now what a troubled child I was, but at the time all I knew was laying awake at night in fear, imagining what the incoming missiles were going to sound like.
Anyway, I couldn't join the ritual, so I opted to stand quietly while the pledge and song commenced. Eventually a friend noticed and asked why I wasn't participating. Regrettably, I did NOT tell him about my ICBM nightmares, but instead used a BS excuse approximating "Because it's stupid."
The next thing I know, a quarter of the school is standing in silence during the morning pledge. Sure enough, these kids were questioned and their actions deservedly dumped into my lap. So now I'm in the principal's office being asked to explain my actions. I tend to doubt that at age 9 I had the awareness to articulate a truthful response...not that I would have admitted to the principal, my mom, or anybody that I was scared of being nuked...
But it was obvious to me that the principal was extremely upset. I wasn't sure why, since I hadn't done anything terrible and was in fact doing nothing at all but standing quietly.
So I said what any other dyed in the wool conscious objector would have said..."Because I don't believe in it." Technically it wasn't a lie, and if I'd known the reaction it was going to provoke, I'd have lied instead....
But I didn't understand the intertwined political and religious aspects. My family's lack of concern for those issues left me in the dark. I now believe the principal had been expecting me to say it...whatever. When I told him what he wanted to hear, he became very upset and briefly yelled some things at me that I now wish I could recall. I never heard the words, because I didn't see them coming at me so loudly. I only recall being shouted at. Then he left me alone in his office for some time. Eventually he returned and informed me that I was suspended and my mother was on her way to pick me up.
At the time, I had no idea that I had a legal right to decline participation. However, both my mother and the principal did. Apparently this, my mother later explained, was why he became so angry. I'm actually thankful to him for expressing his outrage...without it I'd have never become so determined to successfully oppose the next fucker who tried to ram those words or any others down my throat.
The official charge: Causing a major disruption to the education process with intent. Verdict: Guilty as charged. Appeal: None. Sentence: One week suspension...recommendation for expulsion (never pursued). Time served.
Ironic, how this rebellious stripe was seared upon me by fear I could never admit to. I believe there are things that exceed predisposed personality traits...nurture over nature. This is one such case...it convinced me to question everything, especially what lies behind seemingly innocuous acts...like pledging allegiances to squares of dyed fabric.
A teacher beat her up?
