[INFP] Shutting myself off ... and becoming a jerk

[monocycle]

Lately, I have become something I'm QUITE sure I don't want to be: a jerk.

I have a very small group of friends (a group of 5) and lately, I've limited myself to hanging out with only two of those friends. I don't return calls to my other friends. They're getting frustrated with me. I have no desire to hang out with them anymore. I just feel like we move in different circles now. I don't relate with them anymore. Even when I have forced myself to hang out with them (which I have done), I'm not truly there. I'm usually spacing out. Not to mention, one of them has a habit of making me feel like shit because she, too, is an INFP, and she's hyper-sensitive about EVERYTHING. For instance, she asked if I wanted to split a milkshake with her once and got offended that I said no thanks. Of course I felt bad and consented to splitting the milkshake only to get an upset stomach later.

Furthermore, I've become impatient. I was always impatient to some extent, but here lately I have become a monster with it. I get annoyed. I've become snappy. I'm jealous a lot. I'm more cynical than ever. I want to RAM into the tailgate of vehicles going the speed limit! :steam:

For example, the friend that I have been hanging out with and myself were searching something on Google. He misspelled it, and instead of going to the little auto-correction link Google provides, he went an re-typed the whole thing in the search bar. I pretty much became a volcano and erupted with a little acidic remark about it.

This is NOT me, but I have no idea what to do about it. I don't know if me being a jerk has any correlation with me shutting myself off from some of my friends. I haven't a clue. Maybe I'm becoming a T.

I don't know what it is. Most people would describe me as passive, friendly, caring, and supportive. I don't feel like that at all anymore.

This whole thing was very convoluted. Sorry about that.

 

[Stanton Moore]

Do you feel rejected by the 3 friends you are avoiding?
Being a jerk can be a reaction to feeling isolated or abandoned in some way.

 

[monocycle]

Do you feel rejected by the 3 friends you are avoiding?
Being a jerk can be a reaction to feeling isolated or abandoned in some way.

Not really. I feel out-of-place when I'm around them. It's not a rejected feeling. I'm not engaged in conversations or in their activities. Like I said, I just sort of zone out because I have no desire to be there with them.

 

[SilkRoad]

Lately, I have become something I'm QUITE sure I don't want to be: a jerk.

I have a very small group of friends (a group of 5) and lately, I've limited myself to hanging out with only two of those friends. I don't return calls to my other friends. They're getting frustrated with me. I have no desire to hang out with them anymore. I just feel like we move in different circles now. I don't relate with them anymore. Even when I have forced myself to hang out with them (which I have done), I'm not truly there. I'm usually spacing out. Not to mention, one of them has a habit of making me feel like shit because she, too, is an INFP, and she's hyper-sensitive about EVERYTHING. For instance, she asked if I wanted to split a milkshake with her once and got offended that I said no thanks. Of course I felt bad and consented to splitting the milkshake only to get an upset stomach later.

Furthermore, I've become impatient. I was always impatient to some extent, but here lately I have become a monster with it. I get annoyed. I've become snappy. I'm jealous a lot. I'm more cynical than ever. I want to RAM into the tailgate of vehicles going the speed limit! :steam:

Are you experiencing a lot of stress in other areas of your life? I think that could account for a lot of the above...I really relate to you about the impatience/anger thing, although perhaps not so much to your friend issues.

 

[monocycle]

Are you experiencing a lot of stress in other areas of your life? I think that could account for a lot of the above...I really relate to you about the impatience/anger thing, although perhaps not so much to your friend issues.

All of the stress is pretty much gone now that I am out of class for the holidays. I am at a loss. back @ you.

 

[Stanton Moore]

I'm tired of 20 questions...

I vote for demonic possession.

 

[monocycle]

I'm tired of 20 questions...

I vote for demonic possession.

 

[jcloudz]

so are you looking tips to break old ties? or tired of being emotionally blackmailed into going out, when you would rather stay in and are looking for ways to address this issue, without further being emotionally blackmailed and feeling like crap?

 

[illume]

I always tell my close friends that when I shut myself away and cut off communication, to please not take it personally.... It means things are not going well with me and I need to assimilate my thoughts and/or feelings on my own.

 

[monocycle]

so are you looking tips to break old ties? or tired of being emotionally blackmailed into going out, when you would rather stay in and are looking for ways to address this issue, without further being emotionally blackmailed and feeling like crap?

This would be helpful, yes. Is that even possible to do? Wishful thinking, maybe?

 

[jcloudz]

you can say you are exhausted and don`t feel like going out tonight and stick to your guns. nothing wrong with that. you have other plans, this is grounds for choosing to stay behind, oh well. it happens, with people having their own lives and all. eventually as you are more consistent in saying no and sticking, they will get the into the habit of you not changing your mind when you opt to not go out. if you are feeling like things are getting old with your friends, maybe you can pick something that you would like to do and they would not mind doing as well. overall there is nothing wrong with deciding to stay in and nothing wrong with asserting it either.

 

[scortia]

Not really. I feel out-of-place when I'm around them. It's not a rejected feeling. I'm not engaged in conversations or in their activities. Like I said, I just sort of zone out because I have no desire to be there with them.

I'm having this exact same issue with my friends (most of over 10 years).

I think it's just an NF thing, the older we get, the more we feel like we don't really fit in with other people. They seem so "foreign" and become hard to relate with. I just go through the motions now, but I feel very little connection with my friends anymore who are likely all SFs and STs.

 

[Snuggletron]

who gets upset over someone not wanting to split a milkshake with you?

.....that's more milkshake for you!

 

[BlueSprout]

I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch in life. Hopefully now that the term's over, you can relax and regroup a little.

I can't think of much that hasn't been said. I've learned the hard way that sometimes being "left out" is people responding to the vibes you send out. If you are more irritable and feel more detached from the things that go on around you, you might be shutting yourself out from your friends. People pick up on negativity like that. That said, you might not be acting like that much of a jerk; sometimes when I'm being oversensitive to life in general, I'm also oversensitive to what I do/say and how others react to it. Personally, I constantly think I offend people when it's likely that they aren't even bothered by what I have said. I'm not saying that you shouldn't trust your observations or that you never bug anyone, just be aware of how your perceptions of yourself can cause you to overestimate or contribute to your isolation. This is all specifically related to my subjective experiences, so none of it may be relevant. Just things to think about.

Just don't be too hard on yourself. It's not likely to make you any better company if you are.

 

[milkyway2]

Maybe there is an underlying problem you need to address...........

 

[jcloudz]

I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch in life. Hopefully now that the term's over, you can relax and regroup a little.

I can't think of much that hasn't been said. I've learned the hard way that sometimes being "left out" is people responding to the vibes you send out. If you are more irritable and feel more detached from the things that go on around you, you might be shutting yourself out from your friends. People pick up on negativity like that. That said, you might not be acting like that much of a jerk; sometimes when I'm being oversensitive to life in general, I'm also oversensitive to what I do/say and how others react to it. Personally, I constantly think I offend people when it's likely that they aren't even bothered by what I have said. I'm not saying that you shouldn't trust your observations or that you never bug anyone, just be aware of how your perceptions of yourself can cause you to overestimate or contribute to your isolation. This is all specifically related to my subjective experiences, so none of it may be relevant. Just things to think about.

Just don't be too hard on yourself. It's not likely to make you any better company if you are.

 

[speculative]

Hmm... reminds me of this thread: http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/nf-private-forum/13664-so-there-infp-doorslam.html but it looks like you're already been there...

 

[SilkRoad]

Comments here about feeling detached/different from other people are very valid. Again somewhat from my own experience, I would wonder if you have had past frustrations with these friends that have sort of mounted up on you even in a delayed reaction kind of way? Just speculating. For example, I have a friend (definitely INTx) who I care about, we have similar interests, etc, but I've known her for four years and the friendship somehow seems like more and more work. Because she is very passive, doesn't initiate with me or seldom, doesn't often contact me if she doesn't see/hear from me in ages (whereas I would contact her if I didn't see/hear from her) etc. Sometimes it's a cumulative thing if people have been somewhat inconsiderate or you're not getting what you need from the friendship (as selfish as that may sound.)

Just thoughts/possibilities!

 

[monocycle]

I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch in life. Hopefully now that the term's over, you can relax and regroup a little.

I can't think of much that hasn't been said. I've learned the hard way that sometimes being "left out" is people responding to the vibes you send out. If you are more irritable and feel more detached from the things that go on around you, you might be shutting yourself out from your friends. People pick up on negativity like that. That said, you might not be acting like that much of a jerk; sometimes when I'm being oversensitive to life in general, I'm also oversensitive to what I do/say and how others react to it. Personally, I constantly think I offend people when it's likely that they aren't even bothered by what I have said. I'm not saying that you shouldn't trust your observations or that you never bug anyone, just be aware of how your perceptions of yourself can cause you to overestimate or contribute to your isolation. This is all specifically related to my subjective experiences, so none of it may be relevant. Just things to think about.

Just don't be too hard on yourself. It's not likely to make you any better company if you are.

I can definitely work on this as it could be a problem that I'm not seeing. Thank you!

Comments here about feeling detached/different from other people are very valid. Again somewhat from my own experience, I would wonder if you have had past frustrations with these friends that have sort of mounted up on you even in a delayed reaction kind of way? Just speculating. For example, I have a friend (definitely INTx) who I care about, we have similar interests, etc, but I've known her for four years and the friendship somehow seems like more and more work. Because she is very passive, doesn't initiate with me or seldom, doesn't often contact me if she doesn't see/hear from me in ages (whereas I would contact her if I didn't see/hear from her) etc. Sometimes it's a cumulative thing if people have been somewhat inconsiderate or you're not getting what you need from the friendship (as selfish as that may sound.)

Just thoughts/possibilities!

I agree. My INFP friend constantly makes me feel like crap. It's not the whole "you suck and I hate you" type things. It's just I am constantly offending her by doing the dumbest, most miniscule things. The milkshake example is but one of the numerous examples. My other friend who is an ISFP (I believe) is also her friend, too. We'd always go to IHOP as it was our ritual when I hung out with them. We would always sit in the back corner booth. One night we sat down and where I had always sat (next to her) the springs or something in the seat had messed up. It was extremely uncomfortable to sit there, but I always had to sit there because if I didn't, she'd immediately get offended and act depressed/moody all night. You can only hear "I am so alone over here" so many times before you just throw in the flag.

My other friend is an ENFP. He's probably my oldest friend, but I just don't get engaged with him anymore. He's not a bad person. He's actually a really awesome guy. I just find hanging out with him now feels more like an obligation rather than doing it for fun, and I just can't do that. I just don't think it's fair, but I also don't think it's fair for me to completely shut off from him either.

Arrrrgghhh, so much rigmarole.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I agree. My INFP friend constantly makes me feel like crap. It's not the whole "you suck and I hate you" type things. It's just I am constantly offending her by doing the dumbest, most miniscule things. The milkshake example is but one of the numerous examples. My other friend who is an ISFP (I believe) is also her friend, too. We'd always go to IHOP as it was our ritual when I hung out with them. We would always sit in the back corner booth. One night we sat down and where I had always sat (next to her) the springs or something in the seat had messed up. It was extremely uncomfortable to sit there, but I always had to sit there because if I didn't, she'd immediately get offended and act depressed/moody all night. You can only hear "I am so alone over here" so many times before you just throw in the flag.

My other friend is an ENFP. He's probably my oldest friend, but I just don't get engaged with him anymore. He's not a bad person. He's actually a really awesome guy. I just find hanging out with him now feels more like an obligation rather than doing it for fun, and I just can't do that. I just don't think it's fair, but I also don't think it's fair for me to completely shut off from him either.

Arrrrgghhh, so much rigmarole.

I think it is rather difficult to be around people who take offense and always conclude the worst somehow- implying the other person is a jerk for making them feel badly. This is especially hard on types who hold themselves to a rather high standard of being thoughtful to others. In order for interactions to work, someone has to care less about those details - either the person getting offended or the person caring about others feeling offended. Sometimes there is a way to see someone's baseline for communicating as over-reactive and to be able to dismiss aspects of it that are not reasonable. That can be difficult for some people and impossible for others. In the end it is a big world with an endless supply of people who could benefit from your friendship. People who have the capacity to think the best and not assume minuscule actions are being done to hurt them have a greater capacity to appreciate friendships. Maturity helps, so perhaps overtime some of the friends will settle down with their own interpretations of the actions of others.

There is also a way to become more distant without cutting people out completely. Spending less time together, but still getting together occasionally can be a first step. I've never had a tight-knit group of friends and so do not know if that is an option. I sometimes focus on sending ecards, occasional gifts or messages to people I care about, but don't have the energy to deal with because of emotional complexities. I can say meaningful, truthful things in those messages that help them feel appreciated, but still keep it more on my terms rather than falling into a trap of trying to please someone who has made up their mind that I'm going to fall short.