• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[NF] Emotional Detachment of a parent.

Nonsensical

New member
Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
4,006
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7
I'm 17, and I'm getting out into the world. I spend a little less time at home each month. The demands of school, sports, music, a job, and friends, and I'm always busy. I've got one parent, and as I soar, he sinks.

He's been really distant lately and I just brought it up, out anger more or less, and he told me straight up what he thought. He told me I was, in one way or another, already moving out, and that I'm already gone. He told me I don't care about what happens to the family, and that I'm only focusing on myself. And he surrendered and said he needs to just let go...and that broke my heart.

So here I am, after walking silently up the stairs after our "talk", posting a very emotional thread on TypoCentral.

Is it me? Am I being selfish? Should I focus less on the stuff I'm doing and drop back to support the emotional and physical needs of my family?

I feel like he's emotionally detaching himself from me. We've always had the closest bond in the world, and I feel like apart of my soul is broken when I know I don't have his support anymore.

edit:

I know this sounds wicked corny to say, but I really kind of wish he would be proud of me. Proud of me that I do my homework every night, maintain good grades, have a passion for music, sports, and work a very demanding job. I feel like the only way he'd be truly happy was if I didn't to these things. But I love doing them, and I love my friends, and I love having freedom, and responsibility, but they don't seem to fit in the same box.
 

neptunesnet

man-made
Joined
Sep 5, 2009
Messages
1,228
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
5&4
Instinctual Variant
sx
No, I don't think you're being selfish at all.

I believe he's trying to come to terms with the fact that his son is almost a man. He probably realizes that he needs to let go so that you can grow and mature and be independent of him, but he doesn't know how. I don't think he's writing you off or anything (or maybe I misinterpreted the OP?), but he's basically trying to cope with your being an individual who will in a year be an adult and legally separate from him.
 

Nonsensical

New member
Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
4,006
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7
No, I don't think you're being selfish at all.

I believe he's trying to come to terms with the fact that his son is almost a man. He probably realizes that he needs to let go so that you can grow and mature and be independent of him, but he doesn't know how. I don't think he's writing you off or anything (or maybe I misinterpreted the OP?), but he's basically trying to cope with your being an individual who will in a year be an adult and legally separate from him.

I don't see why it has to be so difficult. It tears me apart..we've always been brothers from the beginning. It's like letting apart of yourself die. I wouldn't like to think this is the end of our bond as father and son. But in reality, it is.
 

Night

Boring old fossil
Joined
Nov 2, 2007
Messages
4,755
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5/8
Doesn't have anything to do with you being a normal teenager.

It's about him redefining his identity, with you as a developing adult.

Not at all about you as an individual. It's about him as a single parent. Take heart, Soul.

Life is change. This too shall pass.
 

Nonsensical

New member
Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
4,006
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7
What makes it hard is that he seems so distant and reserved from me. Just me..like he's trying to avoid me. I just know this is really bothering him, and I feel like he is putting it on my shoulders..like it's my fault and that it is a bad thing.
 

Night

Boring old fossil
Joined
Nov 2, 2007
Messages
4,755
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5/8
It's part of life.

It's how he copes with existential anxiety. His role in life is shifting; he's going to need some time to put things back together.

It might make things awkward for awhile. I promise you that his transition is impermanent. It's a big deal because he cares for you. If he didn't, you wouldn't notice.

Be patient with him. Life can be confusing.
 

Nonsensical

New member
Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
4,006
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7
That's what makes this so hard..he's just like me. He takes to the core, and it hurts for a while. I know it.

I agree, Night.
 

neptunesnet

man-made
Joined
Sep 5, 2009
Messages
1,228
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
5&4
Instinctual Variant
sx
Well, OneWithSoul, I don't think I'll be able to give any definite answers here because my mom and I are still trying to reconcile the differences we had with this same problem, but I'd say for now just give him time.

I would make more of an effort if I were you to be with my family while keeping in mind that I can only spread myself so thin and that I still need to do what's best for me.



If you don't mind my asking, what type is your dad?

That may help in understanding how he thinks.
 

Nonsensical

New member
Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
4,006
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7
That's what makes this so hard..he's just like me. He takes to the core, and it hurts for a while. I know it.

I agree, Night.
 

Nonsensical

New member
Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
4,006
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7
Well, OneWithSoul, I don't think I'll be able to give any definite answers because my mom and I are still trying to reconcile the differences we had with this same problem, but I'd say for now just give him time.

I would make more of an effort to be with your family, but remember that you can only spread yourself so thin.



If you don't mind my asking, what type is your dad?

That may help in understanding how he thinks.

He's an INFP.
 

King sns

New member
Joined
Nov 4, 2008
Messages
6,714
MBTI Type
enfp
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I'm 17, and I'm getting out into the world. I spend a little less time at home each month. The demands of school, sports, music, a job, and friends, and I'm always busy. I've got one parent, and as I soar, he sinks.

He's been really distant lately and I just brought it up, out anger more or less, and he told me straight up what he thought. He told me I was, in one way or another, already moving out, and that I'm already gone. He told me I don't care about what happens to the family, and that I'm only focusing on myself. And he surrendered and said he needs to just let go...and that broke my heart.

So here I am, after walking silently up the stairs after our "talk", posting a very emotional thread on TypoCentral.

Is it me? Am I being selfish? Should I focus less on the stuff I'm doing and drop back to support the emotional and physical needs of my family?

I feel like he's emotionally detaching himself from me. We've always had the closest bond in the world, and I feel like apart of my soul is broken when I know I don't have his support anymore.

edit:

I know this sounds wicked corny to say, but I really kind of wish he would be proud of me. Proud of me that I do my homework every night, maintain good grades, have a passion for music, sports, and work a very demanding job. I feel like the only way he'd be truly happy was if I didn't to these things. But I love doing them, and I love my friends, and I love having freedom, and responsibility, but they don't seem to fit in the same box.

No, you're not being selfish at all. It sounds like he's missing you, mostly. The detachment has unfortunate effects on your current relationship. He probably feels as though he needs you in some way. Just let him know that this is what you need right now and try to be attentive to his emotional needs as well. I'm sure that the reason he doesn't feel pride right now is because he's just sad that he doesn't get to spend as much time with you. People say mean things when they are hurt, to the ones they love the most. That is a fact. Let him know that you love him and try to set aside a night every week for the family.

I think that it is very normal and healthy for someone your age to want to get out and do all the things that you are doing, and you shouldn't have to worry about your family right now, you should be worried about finding your place in the world and still at the same time, being a kid! And of course you can still love your family at the same time!
 

neptunesnet

man-made
Joined
Sep 5, 2009
Messages
1,228
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
5&4
Instinctual Variant
sx
Oh yeah. That makes perfect sense.

I'd say regard Night's first post. It really hits the nail on the head:

It's about him redefining his identity, with you as a developing adult.

Not at all about you as an individual. It's about him as a single parent. Take heart, Soul.

Life is change. This too shall pass.
 

King sns

New member
Joined
Nov 4, 2008
Messages
6,714
MBTI Type
enfp
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
It's part of life.

It's how he copes with existential anxiety. His role in life is shifting; he's going to need some time to put things back together.

It might make things awkward for awhile. I promise you that his transition is impermanent. It's a big deal because he cares for you. If he didn't, you wouldn't notice.

Be patient with him. Life can be confusing.

This is good advice, too. It's not your responsibility to make your father happy with your new, (and normal) lifestyle. He will work through it in time on his own and adjust.
 

ergophobe

Allergic to Mornings
Joined
Apr 26, 2009
Messages
1,210
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
Continue to follow your passions and soar! You owe that to yourself and your dad who has likely worked hard to provide you with many opportunities, even if he can't see that right now. Parents are human too - sometimes selfish and sometimes selfless. You can't take responsibility for your father's feelings. As Night said, your dad will get through this transition and he needs to do that for himself. As he redefines his identity and finds other passions to pursue, he'll be more comfortable appreciating yours. Don't let that take away from your achievements. Be your own best cheerleader!

Be patient with him, involve him or inform him of as much as you can so he feels like he's a part of your new and ever growing life. In time, he'll understand that he'll always be a part of it.

Did your dad have some concrete things that he wished you would do? More chores around the house or an activity you both shared? Could you incorporate some of this into your weekly or monthly routine?
 

Totenkindly

@.~*virinaĉo*~.@
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
50,187
MBTI Type
BELF
Enneagram
594
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Yep Night and Neptune summed it up.

I'm feeling like T parents have a little easier time -- we detach naturally anyway and see the reality of our children become adults and so we just accept it no matter how we feel. It's a natural process apart from our identity as individuals.

I can only imagine what an FP parent might go through... and your dad is single .There's a story there, I'm sure, and it plays a part in things.

i would say to remember two things:

1. Your leaving home is NATURAL and should involve no guilt, you're about ready to enter the real world. That is your task right now, to individuate and become independent. Do what you need to do, to become an adult. It's not your job to be a second parent.

2. Your dad is human too. He loves you, you're like him, and he's dying inside because you're leaving. Just respect that he is experiencing pain, even if he is making some mistakes. Detachment is a typical reaction to unwanted but inevitable change, and partly it's to protect YOU ... not just him... because otherwise it might go in the direction of anger, and he doesn't want to say things that hurt you or burden you.

Just as it's unfair for him to expect you to stay home and not change and grow up, it's unfair for you to expect him to take everything in stride and remain just as close to you without any struggle. He's only human. Both of you need to flex. He needs to hear that you love him as much as you want to hear that he loves you.

ergophobe said:
Be patient with him, involve him or inform him of as much as you can so he feels like he's a part of your new and ever growing life. In time, he'll understand that he'll always be a part of it.

yes. Stuff like that. Reaffirm you still love him, even while refusing to inhibit yourself. If you were close, he'll figure it out.
 

sweavo

New member
Joined
Dec 22, 2009
Messages
14
MBTI Type
INFP
OK I'm no expert but I'll share my perspective on this.

If it had been me in your dad's place saying those things, it would have not been meant to hurt you, or even to criticise you. Those things would have tumbled out of my mouth as I tried to make sense of my conflicting emotions.

I personally have had a lot of tough times in relationships because I would say things that hurt another person without realising it hurt them, then, with my emotions said, I would feel like everything's better now. But the recipient would be hurt and would take what I had said more seriously than I ever meant them to.

You say that you confronted your dad "out of anger more or less" so I imagine it was an emotionally charged exchange that he handled badly.

There's no way around this situation being tough. It's just a painful part of nature's cycle, like childbirth, to experience this separation from your parents, and it must be hard for both. But as you grow and become fully an adult you will more and more realize that adults are pretty much as vulnerable and fallible as anyone else.

Try to read between your dad's actual words to the emotional motivation for them. He feels pain, which comes from his love. His expression of his pain might have come out in an accusatory way, but it's not down to you to fix it.

Let him know from time to time what you appreciate about him, that will be one step towards relating to him as a peer.

Hope this is some help.
 
Top