Malkavia, you seem like you care about your friend very much. Has he made comments about feeling misunderstood or that he doesn't have anyone he can fully express himself to? Has he indicated in some way that he is unhappy or unhealthy?
The reason why I asked some of the questions above is because I'm wondering if his sees his presumed lack of disclosure as a problem.
No hard feelings if Im not the right person for him to talk to, I just want him to be happy and healthy.
I mean no personal offense to you when I say this, but in my experience when a person who considers themselves a close friend finds out exactly where they rank on the list of close friends there very much tends to be hard feelings.
If someone has the feeling that they've given more of themselves to another and they become aware of the imbalance in the relationship it's very jarring. You feel like you've been fooled because the feelings aren't reciprocated in the way the person wanted them to be.
I had an experience with this earlier this year and it didn't end well. My mother was hospitalized for nearly five months and during that time I was in essential personnel only mode. I lost a couple of friends because besides my immediate family, I only sought support from the three people who I
knew could support me in the way I needed to be supported. I'll be explicit about what I needed during that time and why I knew the people I went to could supply it.
- Hours-long single session conversations about my emotional status and allowing me to vent all of my feelings thoroughly
- Caring and thoughtful inquiries into my emotional states questions...more than just calling me and asking how I was doing. These people were actually putting thought into my situation and helping me come up with coping mechanisms
- Willingness to handle and accommodate several highly emotional text messages and emails per day
- Calls in the middle of the night with me crying and melting down during the worse of it
- More than just Hallmark card sympathy...these people truly understood being in a situation when a loved one is dying because they had experienced it themselves...they were able to help my navigate through a difficult time and they still are
These people were able to provide a extremely high level of support without judgment and without me feeling like I was being too much of a burden on them or overwhelming them. I knew these people were emotional soldiers from the get go and that they could handle
me.
The other two people I considered very good friends, but I knew their limitations. I knew because over the years I've seen how they've responded to happenings and situations in their own lives and from this information I basically knew how they would respond to me. Both of them told me that they felt I wasn't including them and that I was separating myself from them. They were right...they knew me well enough to notice that I wasn't relating to them as before and I certainly couldn't tell them why that was so.
Do you tell a person, you're not emotional strong enough to support me? In my case, why create the drama and tension especially when I'm already in a crisis situation? That's something I kept to myself, but with one of the two people I actually told them exactly that. I haven't spoken to that person in over nine months because as I already knew, they couldn't really cut it when it came down to it. But I was OK with that and still considered them a good friend but they effectively ended the friendship.
I don't know what the situation is between you and your friend. I know that's it's very important to me and I put full confidence in my ability to accurately assess the character of people I'm close to. I've thankfully had minimal drama with friends, nowhere near the amount other people have with their so-called friends because I'm extremely careful and guarded about who I let close to me, almost excessively so.
If your friend's very own twin brother says he doesn't open up to him, what else can you do? To me, it basically comes down to:
- Is there anything to reveal?
- Does he feel a need to reveal it?
- If so, who does he reveal it to? If it's not you can you truly accept that? Will it cause damage to a friendship that otherwise is solid and genuine?
- If not, what are the consequences of him not revealing?
