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[MBTI General] being told "I need alone time"

Kyi

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Sep 27, 2009
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47
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ENFP
So I've been in a relationship with an INTJ male for the past 2 months. Our relationship is wonderful, we haven't really had a fight, and our time together is always a lot of fun. I have my own place, but I am usually at his place 4 nights out of the week. He's told me he'd like me to move in sometime, but in the future when his lease is up because his current place is pretty small. He's always working during the day so its not like we're really together all the time.

We had planned a weekend road trip this upcoming weekend, and decided to leave Saturday afternoon. My usual pattern is going over to his place on Friday and leaving on Monday or Tuesday, but this time, he told me he would prefer if I came on Saturday instead, because he wanted some alone time on Friday. He wanted to spend his alone time at his favorite local bar.

Of course, I am offended by this and immediately started asking him why he suddenly needed alone time and if there was something in 'particular' happening that night that he wanted me to be away for. He sighed and said he knew that I was going to react this way and just said "Is it crazy to be want to be alone for a little bit?" But it's not really being alone if you're going to go out?

In my head, I knew that he probably just really wanted to be by himself for a little and not have to tend to my needs, but part of me keeps wanting to think the worst. A feeling of "oh, it's finally gotten to the point where he needs to be away from me, and CAN be away from me." A feeling of the love that we has reached its fieriest point and is now starting to cool off. A feeling of not being wanted or needed as much. I knew deep down, this simple gesture of wanting to be alone should not have triggered all these thoughts into me. But a part of me really did kind of shrivel and I feel like I have to like him less, or hold back a part of myself from him. It's really stupid I admit, and I wish I did not take this so personally, but I just can't help it.

It's not that I don't trust him. I don't really have a reason not to distrust him, but him doing that triggered a lot of negative, paranoid thoughts and I can't help that I have lost a bit of trust. I know that if he knew that ALL this went through my mind just because he requested some time off is probably really silly. But I just start thinking about other random crap, like how he likes to get gets extra drunk when I'm not around. I did get mad at him in the past because it seemed like everytime we went out together, he never really drank a lot, but when he goes out alone, he gets inebriated. When I asked him about this (for some reason, slightly offended), he said it was because he can actually tolerate being around me enough that he doesn't have to be drunk. Which was a nice snappy response that was flattering, but is that the truth? In a way, I see it as that he feels uncomfortable showing that side of him to me, but he doesn't mind being drunk and silly around his friends?

Anyways, is my train of thought normal for this situation (well for my type anyways) and does he really just want a night off or do my paranoid delusions have some truth to them?
 

BlackCat

Shaman
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It sounds like typical enneagram 6 worrying. 7w2 is impossible, you're 7w6.

Anyways, he probably wanted to be alone because you are going on a road trip Saturday. The constant interaction with the world would be tiring for any introvert, especially an IN_J.

Maybe he likes getting drunk with his friends.

If you wanted some alone time for something like that, how would he react?
 

Amargith

Hotel California
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Give him his freedom. Did he potentially smile at you when you got offended? That's him being amused at your reaction. Mine can tolerate a lot of time with me, but only if I don't constantly demand his focus. And we know that on the 7th day, we're going to fight, so we decide to go do other stuff ourselves. That way, we don't get there. There's nothing wrong with having some space apart sometimes. It does make the heart grow fonder. As for the drunk-thing...I'd say he's speaking the truth, though I don't know him as well as you. That's another thing...you know him, you know his character. Is this something that would fit into his personality? If it is..then why worry about it? :)
What types are his friends? Are they the kind that like to hang out and have a drink? Then it would be normal that he does that with them. He'll also not go mushy on them and be mushy only with you. It's called compartmentalizing :D

Also, you've only been dating for 2 months..give him a little bit more time before he starts belching and drinking and god knows what else in front of ya. Enjoy it for that matter, it'll soon be over :rolli: :D
 

Rachelinpa

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Aug 4, 2008
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878
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ENFP
I'm familiar with feeling like this...

I think he just wants a night off. I don't blame you for feeling how you do though! I would definitely hate that too--it breaks up what you had assumed to be a consistent phenomenon. And thus, enters all the questioning and freaking out! I guess maybe if you can convince yourself to see it as a good thing (seriously, what ENFP likes monotony?! unpredictable, for the win!), not react to him emotionally and let him do what he wants, he'll see how you are fine without him for a night and appreciate you for giving him his space. Which, I mean, it sounds like he doesn't really ever ask for.

What helps me, also being an ENFP, is to see these occurences as a fluke and not take it to heart until it becomes a pattern. If I can tell myself it is a one time thing and see it as simply one request for one day and not a theme of the relationship, I don't tend to freak out as much.

I'm not saying don't ask for what you need in the relationship or to listen to your intuition, but when we take all this "rejection" stuff personally from the introverts, then it just makes things worse, especially if we become too vocal about it too early.
 

Kyi

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ENFP
BlackCat: You're right, I am probably a 7w6, only reason I put 2 was because when I took the test, I scored equally for like 3 things on my 2nd type, and I didn't know what to put down and the 2 description seemed to fit better (being loved or whatever).

Amargith: He already farts and belches in front of me. I don't really mind that much though. I guess I'm sort of glad he's comfortable enough around me to do that? Either that or he doesn't give a crap.

Rachelinpa: lol @ the monotony/unpredictable statement, but it's only fun when its happy and exciting, not a crappy unexpected surprise, on top of something that you were looking forward to.
 

Amargith

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Lol, I guess he is really comfy around you. I think he just prefers other ways of 'enjoyment' around you ;)
 

Totenkindly

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My intuition is simply that he does just now want some time alone, to keep his space.

It's hard for an IxTx sometimes, feeling absorbed by the needs of an F partner, and just needing to reassert boundaries around the ego sometimes. When I have been with an F, this has usually been one thing in play -- I need more space if we're together too often, while they just want to be with me more. It's not that I don't love them, but honestly my skin begins to crawl, I feel suffocated, and I really need to get some distance for a bit.

There's an autonomy need there, there's a good chance he really just does want the space... and you could lose some trust if you don't agree sometimes at least to give it to him. (If you smother an INTx for too long, maybe even IxTx, and they can't get space IN the relationship, they'll eventually leave the relationship altogether.)
 

Thalassa

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He needs alone time if you're going to be spending all weekend together. I totally understand that. Why are you offended? Let him have some freedom.
 

Billy

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ENFPs can overpower INTJs and INFJs I woud imagine even more so for INTJs since they arent quite as adept at dealing with feelings as an INFJ might be.

But he probably wants the weekend to go off great, so he is recharging his emotional battery.

Introverts dont work the same way as extroverts do, we cant do the constant together thing, we need space to process what we think and feel. I wouldnt worry too much about it, just give him his space otherwise he will start to feel smothered. Normally we dont feel things in quite the same fashion, i wouldn't say the love is at its fiercest and now its cooling off, introverts usually take time to figure out the love, and that's when it becomes fierce for them, not right off the bat like an extrovert.
 

Thalassa

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I feel smothered by being overly together, too. Being together too much starts fights. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. The realistic part of a long-term relationship cannot remain as intense as the initial courting phase. I would be honestly frightened to be with someone who couldn't be away from me.
 

Billy

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he said it was because he can actually tolerate being around me enough that he doesn't have to be drunk. Which was a nice snappy response that was flattering, but is that the truth? In a way, I see it as that he feels uncomfortable showing that side of him to me, but he doesn't mind being drunk and silly around his friends?

This makes sense to me, I will get far more drunk when I am alone then when I am with my girl, its not that we are hiding anything or whatever, its just that when we are with you, we like to give you our focus and our attention and being too drunk will hinder that process. Getting wasted with his buddies is a different thing all together, he probably doesn't have a capacity of love for his buddies like he would for his woman. So he can get wasted and ignore them or act a fool. With you he probably wants to be clear and able to express himself appropriately. I think you are just way over thinking this. Introverts need time alone to recharge and process everything, don't feel offended by this, instead see it as a positive, take that time to go out with your girlfriends and maintain your own social life. When you get together the day after you will have much more to talk about.
 

Billy

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I feel smothered by being overly together, too. Being together too much starts fights. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. The realistic part of a long-term relationship cannot remain as intense as the initial courting phase. I would be honestly frightened to be with someone who couldn't be away from me.

Bingo, if I spend too much time with someone I feel like I begin to lose my identity to them. Sometimes I need to pull back and be myself a bit on my own, so I can figure out things, sort of like getting out of the forest so you can see the trees. If someone needed to be with me every day It would set off major alarms and make me feel smothered.
 

Bamboo

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I'd just give him some space and not think it over that much.

Couples that don't do everything together can still be happy and functional.
 

Kyi

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Thank you all for your replies. I think in the end, it really just comes down to my insecurity. I have had a lot of unhealthy relationships in the past where I felt neglected, unappreciated, and uninspired, and ultimately knew it was going down the poop hole. I knew deep down (in those relationships) that it just wasn't going to work and I should move on, but part of me wants to believe it could change... it could become better. Better than it ever could be. And I want to keep trying.. if they are worthy.

I should be happy though, this current guy has addressed everything that upsets me and tries to talk to me about it, reassures me that nothing that happened in my past relationships is occurring now, and that it would take a lot more than me silly insecurities to scare him away. He assured me that I feel feel more secure and the longer I am with him. When I told him how upset I was about what he told me, he said to me that if I wasn't comfortable enough spending time away from him, he would wait until I was.

However, he's only being nice to me because his previous girlfriends were crazy, raging, bitches who he never really had a good conversation with. And he also said to me "You're the first girlfriend I had that I can pick up. Thats a compliment." I feel in a way, he's just like me. We've been so damaged by our past relationships that we both try extra hard because we know the other person is trying too.
 

Amargith

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He sounds like a keeper ;)
 

Tiltyred

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Just make sure you stay skinny.
 
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