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[ENFJ] ENFJ shuts down?

Malkavia

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The guy who I would consider my best friend is an ENFJ (hes actually tested).

He is charming, attractive, and very intelligent. We are both in college, rooming together, and are probably going to the same graduate school. He's a pretty bad ass guy and I'm lucky to have such a good friend. He's very in tune with people..

...except when it comes to relationships. We are juniors in college and he has never dated a girl even though he has plenty of opportunities. There are so many smart, attractive women who cant keep their hands off of him and he doesnt even notice. For a guy who is so intelligent, he is completely stupid when it comes to women and noticing their moves...or is he?

About a week ago one of our really good friends admitted to me she liked this guy a lot, and has for a long time. I told her to be more aggressive but she just simply wasnt getting it done. Sure she was spending a lot more time with him and it was obvious to everyone around them what was going on, but not to this ENFJ.

A couple nights later I decide to just let him know. He gets very upset that she likes him and says he didn't put himself in this situation and it shouldnt be awkward and it was her fault this is happening. On top of that he sent me (am I a messenger?) to tell her he didn't like her. This (in my opinion) goes against the value system that I have known him to have. Normally he would talk to her himself, but apparently when we talk about relationships he shuts down. He has an emotional wall like the great wall of China, is this normal for ENFJs? For someone who has been my friend for such a long time, we talk about everything, but for some reason we never talk about having relationships. It's very odd to me.

Thanks for listening to me rant guys, hopefully you can help me have a better understand of my friend.
 

nynesneg

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Perhaps alot of this is due to his not having any relationships before and being uncomfortable with the topic in general?

For a guy who is so intelligent, he is completely stupid when it comes to women and noticing their moves...or is he?
I can relate to this to some degree... In that I'm naturally friendly with people so if they are extra friendly with me often I don't take it as automatically flirting. Flirting to me is if they make a move and I say no, or something. BUT the above people are generally those I'm not interested in anyway, so it would be different if I were trying to get them.
 

Heinel

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Hmm, sounds familiar, but I probably shouldn't start assuming things.

Anyway, many ENFJs I met tend to have very idealistic standards when it comes to relationships, maybe he just haven't found someone worthy.
 

Atomic Fiend

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That sounds less type related and more personal. This looks like it could be a number of things that don't have to do with type. Ask him about it. It could very well be a sexuality issue.
 

Tallulah

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My guess is, he doesn't have a lot of relationship experience, so it's awkward for him to be put in a situation like that. It becomes a situation where he can't be his usual charming self, and it makes him uncomfortable. He doesn't understand why he has to be responsible for the feelings of someone he's not interested in and has given no outright encouragement to. I was very much like that when I was younger.
 

Malkavia

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My guess is, he doesn't have a lot of relationship experience, so it's awkward for him to be put in a situation like that. It becomes a situation where he can't be his usual charming self, and it makes him uncomfortable. He doesn't understand why he has to be responsible for the feelings of someone he's not interested in and has given no outright encouragement to. I was very much like that when I was younger.

This makes the most sense, or more honestly, I hope this is the situation.

Is he gay?

I hope not. ENFJs can be self-righteous, he knows what his moral code is and sticks to it. Most unfortunately his Christian moral code includes homosexuality being bad. I've thought about this, because it would make sense him having a hard time, I just hope this isnt the case.
 

Space_Oddity

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I also think it is rather a personal issue. There is certainly a reason for his behavior, but being an ENFJ is not a 'reason'. I used to know an INTP girl who was very uncomfortable with relationships and our friendship ended in a really weird way, and INTPs were able to give me dozens of reasons how 'type-related' it was, but actually, it wasn't. The reason was, she most likely did have sexuality issues and her parents would hate it. Perhaps your friend is 'only' very idealistic when it comes to relationships (which probably also has a reason, though), but if his behavior seems so strange to you, it will probably be a deeper issue.
 

toast

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Has he ever liked somebody? Said anything about it? If you've been good friends for a while & you haven't ever known him to be into someone, sounds weird. Doesn't sound like an ENFJ thing to me. Could be gay... or asexual... but even they have "crushes." Seriously, has he ever expressed attraction to anybody?
 

proteanmix

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The guy who I would consider my best friend is an ENFJ (hes actually tested).

He is charming, attractive, and very intelligent. We are both in college, rooming together, and are probably going to the same graduate school. He's a pretty bad ass guy and I'm lucky to have such a good friend. He's very in tune with people..

...except when it comes to relationships. We are juniors in college and he has never dated a girl even though he has plenty of opportunities. There are so many smart, attractive women who cant keep their hands off of him and he doesnt even notice. For a guy who is so intelligent, he is completely stupid when it comes to women and noticing their moves...or is he?

About a week ago one of our really good friends admitted to me she liked this guy a lot, and has for a long time. I told her to be more aggressive but she just simply wasnt getting it done. Sure she was spending a lot more time with him and it was obvious to everyone around them what was going on, but not to this ENFJ.

A couple nights later I decide to just let him know. He gets very upset that she likes him and says he didn't put himself in this situation and it shouldnt be awkward and it was her fault this is happening. On top of that he sent me (am I a messenger?) to tell her he didn't like her. This (in my opinion) goes against the value system that I have known him to have. Normally he would talk to her himself, but apparently when we talk about relationships he shuts down. He has an emotional wall like the great wall of China, is this normal for ENFJs? For someone who has been my friend for such a long time, we talk about everything, but for some reason we never talk about having relationships. It's very odd to me.

Thanks for listening to me rant guys, hopefully you can help me have a better understand of my friend.

Maybe I'm just reading this situation differently but I would say that you overstepped your boundaries. I don't mean to sound harsh, but this is how I'm reading the situation: your friend's lack of romantic relationships seems to be bothering you more than it is him from what information you've given.

According to the bolded above you went and told him about someone that is crushing on him when he gave no encouragement to the person whatsoever and involved him in something that he either didn't want to be in or didn't realize he was in. Am I understanding that correctly? It seems to me that you created a problem where there wasn't one before and now he feels guilty that he doesn't like someone back who likes him. If he's a Fe-dom I can see him feeling like he's being forced to care for someone's feelings against his will and that can foster resentment. I can see why he'd be upset about this and rightfully ask you to fix something you essentially broke.

Maybe you could have considered throwing out some hints about this person, testing the waters to see if he was interested before telling him about this person's crush. If he wasn't interested, no harm no foul because nothing had been said yet.

Here's something I've noticed with ENFPs since about college. IME, some ENFPs find it hard to believe that not everyone is out there looking for the love of their life around every corner and under every rock. It seems like a cardinal sin in the ENFP playbook to not be constantly open to being in a relationship. Maybe your friend is concentrating on getting through school and feels like a relationship would be a distraction. Maybe he's more discerning about who he gets into relationships with, so even though he's had the opportunity nothing has really piqued his interest--which sounds highly likely in the college meat market. I don't deny they may be some insecurity but that's with damn near everyone and not at all unusual.

Basically, I guess I'm not seeing the problem. You say he's funny, charming, witty, et cetera and I assume he knows how to use that charisma for attracting a mate. Of course, you know him better so this is all really your call.
 

Claide

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In my experience, when it comes to flirting, ENFJs are very comfortable with themselves.

I'm currently in a two-year relationship with an ENFJ. The only time that his social dexterity is compromised is when he's in conflict. In these instances, he becomes very distant and moody. It's strange, really. Usually, when he has a little time to feel it through, he's back to being his loving, altruistic self.

It's impossible for me to make any plausible assumptions without knowing more about him... but is there a possibility that he's gay?

One of my best friends is straight, and I went a long time without telling him about my sexuality (I was too afraid of what he'd think; we were both raised in a religious environment). When I did tell him, he was blindsided (in other words, it's not always obvious).

There may be other factors that would make the whole ordeal conflicting for him. Maybe he just feels pressured? Maybe he had a bad relationship in the past? As others have (wisely) pointed out, some idiosyncrasies have more to do with background than with personality.
 

Malkavia

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Has he ever liked somebody? Said anything about it? If you've been good friends for a while & you haven't ever known him to be into someone, sounds weird. Doesn't sound like an ENFJ thing to me. Could be gay... or asexual... but even they have "crushes." Seriously, has he ever expressed attraction to anybody?

He "kind of" dated a girl for a couple of weeks, but I got the feeling it wasnt real. Once again, maybe he's gay and was trying to make it go away by dating this girl.

On the other hand, I know her and was relieved when they decided it wasnt going to happen. She wasnt a good match for him at all.

To give him some credit, both of us major in Middle Eastern studies and plan to live abroad in the Middle East for at least a big portion of our lives. That cuts down the amount of girls willing to get into a serious relationship by a lot. But still, we dont really talk about girls. Me and his INTJ brother have talked about it and he told me that his brother is just completely unaware of girls and that it was like that even in high school.

It's impossible for me to make any plausible assumptions without knowing more about him... but is there a possibility that he's gay?

One of my best friends is straight, and I went a long time without telling him about my sexuality (I was too afraid of what he'd think; we were both raised in a religious environment). When I did tell him, he was blindsided (in other words, it's not always obvious).

There always a possibility for anyone to be gay and in the closet.

If he is, he wouldnt say. Like I said, we both live in a culture where it is unacceptable. I've tried to convince him that homosexuality is not immoral but with no luck (this was when our friendship first started).

Eventually I just let it go, then I learned he was an ENFJ and it is quite hard to get them to reconsider their values.

I'm afraid to bring it up again, especially if he isnt gay. I havent brought up the relationship thing at all after that night because I have no idea how to approach it, or even if it is my business to talk about it in the first place.
 
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proteanmix

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Hmmm, this is interesting.

Because he's not interested in a romantic relationship there's a strong possibility he's gay.

Very evolved ideas we got goin on here.
 

Claide

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Because he's not interested in a romantic relationship there's a strong possibility he's gay.

Very evolved ideas we got goin on here.

It isn't the fact that he's not interested that made me think the question was worth asking; it's the fact that he seems so bothered by his best friend cluing him in on someone who's interested. I don't understand why it would be such a big deal. Why not just say, "Nah, I'm just not into the idea of a relationship with her" or "I'm too busy for a relationship right now." ENFJs are usually hard to irritate. I don't know. It does seem strange.

That is, unless he feels like people are constantly pressuring him about relationships. In that case, relationship-oriented conversations might be becoming touchy for him.
 

Keps Mnemnosyne

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That is, unless he feels like people are constantly pressuring him about relationships. In that case, relationship-oriented conversations might be becoming touchy for him.

I've had a best friend do this to me. Telling me about a crush and then getting mad when I said I didn't want to do anything about it. This went on for a day, before I snapped back at him that I wasn't attracted to the girl and then asked him if he thought she was a good fit for me. To which he answered no and realized my point of wanting a working relationship.

Um, if you are wondering about him, why not just ask him? Does he talk about wanting a relationship? If so, then ask him who he is attracted to. If not, ask him what his plans are in the future. Ask how many kids he wants, or what his wife will be like. If he gets huffy and puffy then say that you care about him because he is such a cool guy and you just want to see him happy whatever he will do in life.

If you ask bluntly the question of what sexuality type he is; do not ask again even if you do not believe the answer. If he is lying he will lie again; if he was truthful he will be pissed off; take it from my personal experience. :steam: If he lied to you, and you didn't ask again, he may then tell you the truth later since you showed trust in him that he betrayed.

Last, if you wish to be a sneaky bastard, go to him and bring up your relationship problems, and then ask about his and mention that since he is so helpful to you, you want to be a little bit helpful back. Even if that last part isn't true, it may crack him....

You seem interested in helping him, but may be overzealous, nonetheless, I wish you good luck in your endeavor.
 

Malkavia

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You seem interested in helping him, but may be overzealous, nonetheless, I wish you good luck in your endeavor.

I think you made a good point. Being overzealous is something that I don't want to happen. I don't think I've done anything crazy yet, I have simply asked the forum what they thought.

It was mostly just odd because it seemed out of character to me.
 
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