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[INFJ] INFJ Rage?

SS17

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What's the typical way that INFJs show their anger?

My mom's an INFJ, and I noticed that for weeks she won't get mad at anything--and then she'll just burst one day over something minor. She'll spend around five to seven hours extremely angry; at first not talking to anyone, then yelling about things in the past, and then not talking again. After someone apologizes, she'll just be back to normal again. It's really confusing to me.

Is this typical of an angry INFJ? And what makes them forgive someone?
 

Billy

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I think its differnt for everyone. An INFJ who hasnt learned how to be angry when they have been wronged will probably bottle up a LOT of anger and frustration which can explode with much more ferocity later on.

I figured this out when I repressed years and years of misery and hatred from shit that happened to me as a boy and it exploded in one horrible drunken night with a massive panic attack followed by me utterly destroying all the furniture in my house and my laptop in an uncontrollable fit of drunken rage.

Thats a bit on the extreme side though. I find INFJs can also be passive aggressive, because they are always keeping score in their head with the people they know. Which is what confuses people when we blow up and bring up 50 things they did to us in the past that we "let slide" until we couldnt let anything else slide any more.
 
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Phantonym

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I can't speak for other INFJ's but that's exactly what I do as well. Things accumulate and then...kaboom...everything explodes. It fades pretty fast, though. The silent treatment, maybe you can even call it the martyr thing, is what I do the "best".

Thats a bit on the extreme side though. I find INFJs can also be passive aggressive, because they are always keeping score in their head with the people they know. Which is what confuses people when we blow up and bring up 50 things they did to us in the past that we "let slide" until we couldnt let anything else slide any more.

Oh, yes. The "List", as I call it. :blush: It's not a conscious score-keeping, though. These are just small instances that stay at the back of the mind and in time things just accumulate to the point where it boils over. I can let go of so many things but I guess the residue remains to some extent. And it's not like rubbing in someone's past mistakes to hurt them. It's more about clearing the air, but it happens to be all at once, so it will come as a surprise to people, that's for sure.



Forgiving somebody depends on the offense, of course. How serious it was. But I think that the most important part in forgiving people is seeing that they truly are able to admit their mistakes if they have been wrong. They should be able to recognize their own part in it and genuinely want to amend things. Seeing somebody fake it is not going to make things better.
 

SS17

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I think its differnt for everyone. An INFJ who hasnt learned how to be angry when they have been wronged will probably bottle up a LOT of anger and frustration which can explode with much more ferocity later on.

I figured this out when I repressed years and years of misery and hatred from shit that happened to me as a boy and it exploded in one horrible drunken night with a massive panic attack followed by me utterly destroying all the furniture in my house and my laptop in an uncontrollable fit of drunken rage.

Thats a bit on the extreme side though. I find INFJs can also be passive aggressive, because they are always keeping score in their head with the people they know. Which is what confuses people when we blow up and bring up 50 things they did to us in the past that we "let slide" until we couldnt let anything else slide any more.

Oh, I guess the whole 'keeping score' thing makes sense. I just thought that if she was really upset about something, she'd talk it out right away so she can forget about it and move on faster. I don't know, I just thought that tackling problems one at a time right away would usually cause less pain/drama.


I can't speak for other INFJ's but that's exactly what I do as well. Things accumulate and then...kaboom...everything explodes. It fades pretty fast, though. The silent treatment, maybe you can even call it the martyr thing, is what I do the "best".

Forgiving somebody depends on the offense, of course. How serious it was. But I think that the most important part in forgiving people is seeing that they truly are able to admit their mistakes if they have been wrong. They should be able to recognize their own part in it and genuinely want to amend things. Seeing somebody fake it is not going to make things better.

Hm...I guess I just accept that then....and stay off of that "List." >.>
Apparently, I apologize correctly though, so that's good.



Thanks a lot for the input guys, it really helps.
 

Mondo

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From my experience, I'd say very passive aggressive...
Even though they are J's, at times, you can poke fun at every aspect of them and they won't care.. but another time.. one comment on makeup and you get a whole load of shit.
 

Charmed Justice

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My mother-in-law is an INFJ. She's usually manipulative and passive-aggressive when she's angry. She lays some serious guilt trips, and then tries to appear as though she really didn't, which she has perfected.:devil: When she's really ticked off, she pouts, slams doors(her favorite), cries, and sometimes threatens to leave the country, or maybe have a heart-attack or something else extremely drastic. She also does the silent treatment for extended periods of time. Thank gawd she's never really been angry with me, but she does these things to her sons quite effectively. Once she's over it though, she's over it. She's not a grudge holder. Joking with her works well when she's mad.
 

Billy

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My mother-in-law is an INFJ. She's usually manipulative and passive-aggressive when she's angry. She lays some serious guilt trips, and then tries to appear as though she really didn't, which she has perfected.:devil: When she's really ticked off, she pouts, slams doors(her favorite), cries, and sometimes threatens to leave the country, or maybe have a heart-attack or something else extremely drastic. She also does the silent treatment for extended periods of time. Thank gawd she's never really been angry with me, but she does these things to her sons quite effectively. Once she's over it though, she's over it. She's not a grudge holder. Joking with her works well when she's mad.

Some of that stuff doesnt sound INFJish to me, but I can see how it could be the tools an INFJ would use if they were immature. Specifically the emotional manipulation and guilt trip stuff. I would personally rather hold that stuff in as not to look like I am being needy in an argument. But if someone hits my buttons in just the right way there is no telling how I might react. I have only ever "exploded" in a fight with someone a few times in my life, when I did though I noticed they shut up and listened because I so rarely lose my composure like that and if I do its something big, even if the reasons I am tossing out aren't the main cause and are just side effects.

When someone angers me my initial reaction is usually to just hold it in and ignore them and make a point of not talking to them and cutting them out of my life for a bit until they come to know I am mad at them... since this usually doesnt occur until way after the initial event that sparked the cut off, they usually think its out of the blue when its anything but.
 

SS17

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I tend to work it out in my mind. Sometimes I get angry, imagine a way to resolve it, then step back and analyze it, etc. It is rare that it makes itself apparent in the outside world, but perhaps occasionally. The main incident I can think of within the last year involved me breaking down a lot of kindling in the forest with the occasional roaring, growly noises.

So you're saying you usually just solve the problem in your head? That's awesome.

My mother-in-law is an INFJ. She's usually manipulative and passive-aggressive when she's angry. She lays some serious guilt trips, and then tries to appear as though she really didn't, which she has perfected.:devil: When she's really ticked off, she pouts, slams doors(her favorite), cries, and sometimes threatens to leave the country, or maybe have a heart-attack or something else extremely drastic. She also does the silent treatment for extended periods of time. Thank gawd she's never really been angry with me, but she does these things to her sons quite effectively. Once she's over it though, she's over it. She's not a grudge holder. Joking with her works well when she's mad.

That sounds exactly like my mom. Especially the crying and threatening to leave thing. Oh, sometimes she throws stuff off the coffee table too. :mellow: Yeah, I noticed the joking thing too, but haven't been able to understand that. She actually laughs during some of her silent treatments.
 

Fidelia

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EnFpFer's MIL doesn't sound typical (or at least sounds immature).

In most cases, I can solve the problem in my head by looking at things from the other person's point of view, considering surrounding circumstances and reasons for certain behaviour etc. When it has been ongoing though and the other person isn't recognizing that I've already cut them a lot of slack, or if I have been unusually blunt and nothing's changing, or if I am at a low ebb physically (lack of sleep etc) or emotionally (other things using up my emotional energy), I will react similarly to the behaviour described in the OP. I think it comes from sucking things up, trying to see the situation from other sides, making huge efforts to avoid overreacting and then the dam finally bursting. Yet if there are signs of remorse, I hate being on bad terms with anyone, nor do I like feeling angry. I have learned over time to try to say something sooner before it gets to that point, because it is very confusing for others to deal with.

Regarding being teased about something and it being sometimes okay and sometimes not - usually it is a matter of trying to not be oversensitive, but if it happens more than a couple times (particularly in public, about multiple incidents or about a particular sore spot), sometimes my emotional cup just overflows and I either feel angry or hurt. INFJs are very easily embarrassed, hard on themselves and also very self-conscious. Having others publicly draw attention to their foibles and laugh at them first feels like an intentional and real rejection of the INFJ, even when the INFJ understands intellectually that the person meant no malice. It is better to avoid this entirely!
 

Fidelia

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Joking does work quite effectively, but only for a certain amount of time. If it's an ongoing problem, the roots of it need to be resolved. If I just realize I'm being silly, I'll probably end up laughing.
 

Charmed Justice

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That sounds exactly like my mom. Especially the crying and threatening to leave thing. Oh, sometimes she throws stuff off the coffee table too. :mellow: Yeah, I noticed the joking thing too, but haven't been able to understand that. She actually laughs during some of her silent treatments.
My MIL used to literally throw things at my husband(ISTJ) when he was little: shoes, slippers, curtain bars, etc...:huh: I think that he's figured her out over the years, so he does outrageous stuff to make her laugh. He'll ruffle her hair(something I'd never do to my mother who's an EXTJ), wrestle her to the ground in jest, etc..Her other sons(ISFP and EXTJ) just sort of distance themselves from her when she's mad. Me too.;)

When your mom laughs, is that to say she's over it? Or is it the nervous laughter of a person who's exploding on the inside?
 
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Phantonym

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INFJs are very easily embarrassed and also very self-conscious, so having others publicly draw attention to their foibles and laugh at them first feels like an intentional and real rejection of the INFJ, even when the INFJ understands intellectual that the person meant no malice. It is better to avoid this entirely!

:eek: Oh, yes, that is the worst. The bad feeling you get from something like this just eats you up inside.
 

SS17

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EnFpFer's MIL doesn't sound typical. However the behaviour described in the OP sounds exactly like me. I think it comes from sucking things up, trying to see things from other sides, wondering if I am overreacting and then the dam finally bursting. Yet if there are signs of remorse, I hate being on bad terms with anyone, nor do I like feeling angry. I have learned over time to try to say something sooner before it gets to that point, because it is very confusing for others to deal with.

Regarding being teased about something and it being sometimes okay and sometimes not, usually it is a matter of trying to not be oversensitive but if it happens more than a couple times about a sore spot, sometimes my emotional cup just overflows and I either feel angry or hurt. INFJs are very easily embarrassed and also very self-conscious, so having others publicly draw attention to their foibles and laugh at them first feels like an intentional and real rejection of the INFJ, even when the INFJ understands intellectual that the person meant no malice. It is better to avoid this entirely!

Okay, so it sounds like INFJs don't say something early on because they're trying really hard not to create any tension. So they just forget about it. And when things start accumulating, they finally can't take it any more and decide to say something about it. But when they're talking about the recent mistake someone made, they also (accidentally?) mention the previous mistakes to reinforce their point?
It seems to me like most INFJs don't really want to resort to bringing up the past--but it just comes up somehow. Am I getting closer to understanding?

Oh yeah, I never try to provoke any Feelers about anything. Accidentally did that once and it was terrible.

When your mom laughs, is that to say she's over it? Or is it the nervous laughter of a person who's exploding on the inside?

Well, for a minute or two it's kind of like a shy laugh. It usually means she's getting over it, but then all of a sudden she'll snap back to the silent treatment.
 

Usehername

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@SS17:

Word to the wise regarding her not showing her anger for weeks at a time: there's a world inside each and every one of us, and though there's often a strong correlation, it is a mistake to presume that observable actions are reflective of someone's inner state.

(Speaking as someone who has made this mistake a time or two herself--for example, for a while I presumed ESFPs were oblivious to a lot of the problems going on around them, but after many conversations with my ESFP sister I've learned that some of them are just exceptionally great at maintaining a good attitude and keeping up their spirits in the face of stuff that would drag most people down.)
 

Tiltyred

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SS17, what part confuses you?
 

Fidelia

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Okay, so it sounds like INFJs don't say something early on because they're trying really hard not to create any tension. So they just forget about it. And when things start accumulating, they finally can't take it any more and decide to say something about it. But when they're talking about the recent mistake someone made, they also (accidentally?) mention the previous mistakes to reinforce their point?
It seems to me like most INFJs don't really want to resort to bringing up the past--but it just comes up somehow. Am I getting closer to understanding?

Well, for a minute or two it's kind of like a shy laugh. It usually means she's getting over it, but then all of a sudden she'll snap back to the silent treatment.

You are close in that first paragraph. The INFJ doesn't just forget about the other incidents. They are frustrated at the time, but don't want to be hasty and overreact. They are trying to explain when they finally do explode that they have done everything they can to deal with this problem on their own and that the other person has overloaded them with enough things this is no longer possible. It is not just about one seemingly tiny incident. They hate being seen as oversensitive or wimpy. They are usually able to handle quite a lot and they also don't prefer to become emotional and cry in front of other people. This is usually the point at which some well-meaning T explains that they are being oversensitive and making a big deal out of something that isn't. (Which adds gasoline to the fire, even while they are frantically shovelling dirt and beating wet towels over it internally in efforts to quell it as soon as possible). The incident they snap about is just the straw that broke the camel's back. They actually hate this feeling and are doing their best to bleed off enough emotion that they can once again be as objective as possible and return to a calm way of dealing with things. Because of not wanting to be seen as difficult or wimpy, often INFJs don't completely finish expressing all of what has been rankling, which is why the topic gets revisited several days after you thought you got it all worked out with them.
The description of the shy laugh later in your quote is her trying desperately to get back to normal, but then thinking about the things that are still not fixed that are bothering her. She's doing her best not to be that way and the silence certainly isn't for dramatic effect.
 

SS17

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@SS17:

Word to the wise regarding her not showing her anger for weeks at a time: there's a world inside each and every one of us, and though there's often a strong correlation, it is a mistake to presume that observable actions are reflective of someone's inner state.

(Speaking as someone who has made this mistake a time or two herself--for example, for a while I presumed ESFPs were oblivious to a lot of the problems going on around them, but after many conversations with my ESFP sister I've learned that some of them are just exceptionally great at maintaining a good attitude and keeping up their spirits in the face of stuff that would drag most people down.)

Yeah, you're right. It was pretty wrong of me to think that; I think that others are going to react to something the same way that I would. I'm getting better at understanding other people now though. =]

Thank you for sharing your insight everyone, you all have really helped me a lot!
 

Fidelia

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That's one of the most useful things about this forum. What seems like the most likely thing to be thinking/feeling is totally mystifying to another type at times. I wish I had had access to these people's brains a couple of years ago!
 

Tiltyred

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The bad thing is that once the can of worms is opened, you may be talking about it for weeks. Because if the INFJ says everything, ev er y thing, usually it comes as a revelation to the other person, and they end up taking a couple of days to process all that themselves, bits and pieces of it will keep coming back to them, etc., and they'll want to talk it out. It's not always petty stuff, you know? Sometimes I don't say anything because I know that if I do, it will upset the other person profoundly, like shake their foundations. Ditto for slamming or throwing things. Better if I do that than say what I'm thinking, sometimes. Better for the other person.
 

Fidelia

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INFJs also like to have things neatly tucked away in their heads with everything in its proper place. It's kind of like having a junk drawer that needs sorting. What may seem like harping on something is really only their need to find a proper place to put that item, and sometimes they need your help in being able to do so. If you can see it in that way, you realize that it is not a personal attack, but rather that you are performing a valuable service that will benefit you both.
 
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