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[INFJ] INFJ Rage?

SolitaryWalker

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Yes, Solitary, we understand that you feel these threads have gotten ridiculous. I can agree with you on some of them. On the other hand, in this particular thread, I think it is helpful for the people dealing with INFJs that they don't understand to have a chance to ask some questions (just as I've found the Ask An ESTJ thread invaluable). There are enough people who have expressed similar experiences that while it may not describe every INFJ ever, it is a common enough thought pattern that it is of some value to those who don't instantly recognize and understand it. I think the more appropriate place for your response is in a place like, "INFJs, do you love cats?".

I am skeptical. I don't know how common enough the pattern is that can truly be attributed to type. Yes, I do see that you're onto something as people who type themselves as INFJs seem to be able to identify with one another on a lot of things, but I doubt that this is because of their type. It seems to me that the pattern should be attributed to how reserved and emotionally sensitive people behave. I don't think someone needs to be an INFJ to be able to identify with that, a lot of people who call themselves INFPs, ISFJs and even ENFPs may identify. Possibly even genuine Ts who had an upbringing that emphasized artistic pursuits and taking care of others could also identify with the traits that we equate with INFJs.

Anyhow, most people who think they are INFJs think so because they took a test which asked them if they are sensitive, perfectionistic and reserved. Since they answered yes to most of those, they figured they are INFJs. Yet if the truth be told, an ENTJ who was raised by artists and a church community could easily see himself as a sensitive, reserved and a perfectionist person in his early to mid 20s. It is not natural for him to develop those qualities, but nonetheless he could identify with them not because of his type or temperament but because of his extra-typological personal experiences.
 

Fidelia

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True, but if the thread is useful to sensitive, emotionally reserved people (who identify as INFJs) as well as any other folks who also are sensitive and emotionally reserved, why is a problem for people to discuss it? I'm just uncertain as to why it would matter. Is it the lack of precision and haphazard categorization of these traits as INFJ?
 

SolitaryWalker

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True, but if the thread is useful to sensitive, emotionally reserved people (who identify as INFJs) as well as any other folks who also are sensitive and emotionally reserved, why is a problem for people to discuss it? I'm just uncertain as to why it would matter. Is it the lack of precision and haphazard categorization of these traits as INFJ?

I don't think its a problem. Its one question whether a statement is true or false and whether its problematic or beneficial to our community is another. I have nothing to say about the second question, my remarks are exclusively about the first.
 

Arclight

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INFJ ='s Polar extreme..

So intelligent .. yet drowning in their own emotions..

So much narcissism.. yet so much empathy
So much warmth.. yet so much distance
So much Love .. but even more anger when things don't go their way..

INFJ rage??.. from where I stand.. I have never ever had a lover lose their manners in an argument or disagreement.. Until I dared love an INFJ..
Their rage at being disappointed by their lover is like nuclear fire..
It lays to waste all that most hold dear..
 

Antimony

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Okay, so most of my mom's arguments with me go:


Mom monologue: uhm, like, I like to pent up my anger, and then I say it is fine, but then I expect you to KNOW when I am mad, and then I YELL AND YELL AND YELL and even if you are quiet I YELL because YOU DON'T KNOW WHY I AM MAD even though I just told you!???!?!??!?!!


WHAT?!
YOU SHOULD KNOW WHY----

NO! I know YOU KNOW WHY I AM MAD! THAT ISN'T THE POINT!

The POINT is YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I AM MAD!

am I making myself clear?

DID I MENTION I WAS ANGRY!???

*smirks and acts all calm when really she is fuming on the inside*

*is happy that I am glaring*

*yells some more*

*calms down*

*leaves*

I say something under breath.

Repeat.


Repeat again.



hides



:peepwall:


Mom comes back

Repeat until out of breath


and then....


:party:


[Add]: The gist is, my INFJ mom expects me to know why she is mad, even though I already know. And I tell her why. And then she ignores what I say and continues to monologue. So that means either she is REALLY quiet and won't speak about her 'bad negative feelings' or she is attacking me with them, because I was supposed to know how she was feeling/thinking EVEN THOUGH I ask.

*glares at mother whose lap she is currently sitting in*


Double add: I just read the OP. My mom does the same thing. I should follow the advice in this thing.
 

Arclight

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Okay, so most of my mom's arguments with me go:


Mom monologue: uhm, like, I like to pent up my anger, and then I say it is fine, but then I expect you to KNOW when I am mad, and then I YELL AND YELL AND YELL and even if you are quiet I YELL because YOU DON'T KNOW WHY I AM MAD even though I just told you!???!?!??!?!!


WHAT?!
YOU SHOULD KNOW WHY----

NO! I know YOU KNOW WHY I AM MAD! THAT ISN'T THE POINT!

The POINT is YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I AM MAD!

am I making myself clear?

DID I MENTION I WAS ANGRY!???

*smirks and acts all calm when really she is fuming on the inside*

*is happy that I am glaring*

*yells some more*

*calms down*

*leaves*

I say something under breath.

Repeat.


Repeat again.



hides



:peepwall:


Mom comes back

Repeat until out of breath


and then....


:party:
:doh:....................
 

Mad Hatter

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Anyhow, most people who think they are INFJs think so because they took a test which asked them if they are sensitive, perfectionistic and reserved. Since they answered yes to most of those, they figured they are INFJs. Yet if the truth be told, an ENTJ who was raised by artists and a church community could easily see himself as a sensitive, reserved and a perfectionist person in his early to mid 20s. It is not natural for him to develop those qualities, but nonetheless he could identify with them not because of his type or temperament but because of his extra-typological personal experiences.

Self-conception is a crucial aspect, but I think it also works the other way round.
To give an example from Keirsey's book: "Are you typically more a person of a) clear reason b) strong feeling?" Now, it all depends on self-conception. A person could for example chose b) not only because decisions are in fact based on strong feeling, but also because he or she is usually more inclined to use reason - but less consciously, since it's the normal course of events, so deviations from such a pattern tend to be much more conscious. I think this applies to a lot of questions that require to assess one's 'typical' behavior in a certain way.
 

scortia

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Most of my raging doesn't come out unless it's with people I know well. I'm sure that assists in the build-up. I let bad things go for way too long before I speak up, then I don't tackle many things head on because... well... I have my dad's genes and that means punching things makes me let out aggression (not so good). So a few people get a lot of built up anger when they push me the wrong way.

For instance, my mother is practically my complete opposite. ESFP. She has a way of being anal and judgmental about every little insignificant thing. So, if I've been holding back a lot of anger, then I'm with her and just know she's going to be judgmental for no reason... I just wait for it. It happens and I blow up on her. Then this only escalates in that she has no idea why I'm upset. One of our last fights was when I took her with me to look at furniture. I was eager about one table and she automatically told me how it sucked and wouldn't work immediately upon walking in. She does that sort of thing all the time, and always has, and yet I still rage because she doesn't get how her negative attitude really brings me down and always has (she didn't help my self esteem). So in the end, most fights are 90% of me being upset over how EVERY fight never deals with the root of the problem. Mom thinks I'm still concerned over the stupid freaking table and I'm upset with how she still just "doesn't get" what I've been trying to tell her for years...

I wish I was still medicated so things like this wouldn't bother me anymore. X_x
 

Fidelia

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Ha ha! I identify! One of the biggest problems is if there is repeated conflict without the root of the problem being recognized and resolved!!!!!
 

4375

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My INFJ girl has never lost it with me. I have seen her go balistic on her ex-husband over something I thought was kinda minor. Then she let me know why she was upset. It wasn't the minor thing. It was the culmanation of minor things she kept bottled up inside and finally they blew. I notice she does not want to appear negative or the victim so she bottles it up and then bam it comes out all at once.
 

scortia

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Ha ha! I identify! One of the biggest problems is if there is repeated conflict without the root of the problem being recognized and resolved!!!!!

Exactly! I think it's the intuition part of an INFJ. We're typically so aware with what makes people tick, and it's so infuriating when others can't get what bothers us because it seems so obvious. No no, it's just something at surface value and that's all they'll accept.
 

SilkRoad

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Because of not wanting to be seen as difficult or wimpy, often INFJs don't completely finish expressing all of what has been rankling, which is why the topic gets revisited several days after you thought you got it all worked out with them.

Absolutely! The scary thing though is that in my case I would be capable of doing the revisiting months or even YEARS later. If I part from someone on bad or baddish terms, and never had the opportunity to "clear" all that stuff which had mounted up and resolve it in an at least somewhat amicable way, it can sit around in my system forever. I once had a situation like that where I fell out with a friend and we barely spoke (besides "hi how are you" in a strained way if our paths crossed at uni, etc) for three years. Eventually, a mutual friend fed back to me that he'd said to the mutual friend "whatever I did to upset SilkRoad so much, tell her I'm sorry" (so obviously it was at least slightly on his mind too), and after that I rang him up and we talked...and I aired all the grievances. Not in a "you jerk, you messed me up so much" kind of way, in a polite way, but I have to give him credit for taking it very well and apologising for any hurt he'd caused as I raised one thing after another... :D We're only really acquaintances now and haven't seen each other for years, but at least it's all amicable. I'm aware that some people would get completely weirded out/repelled if I did that to them though. Fortunately, these situations don't arise in my life too too often...
 

Fidelia

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In discussing this with other people, I also realized that one of the reasons we both get mad at seemingly odd times (as well as appreciative at other seemingly odd times) is the time that INFJs need to process events and feelings which creates a delayed reaction.

It takes time to process events, what was said, conversations and decide how it fits into our world. There may be an initial positive or negative feeling about it, but it takes some days or hours before the INFJ may have comfortably determined why they feel that way and then decided on a course of action to take.

They don't want to be hasty, oversensitive, or misunderstand the situation, particularly if their reaction is going to affect others around them. This can be very difficult for extroverted, take action, decisive T types to understand and to adjust to having things up in the air. It may look like tentative decision making, or arbitrary sensitivity, but it has to do more with wanting all the information to predict foreseeable consequences before taking action.
 

Asterion

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What's the typical way that INFJs show their anger?

My mom's an INFJ, and I noticed that for weeks she won't get mad at anything--and then she'll just burst one day over something minor. She'll spend around five to seven hours extremely angry; at first not talking to anyone, then yelling about things in the past, and then not talking again. After someone apologizes, she'll just be back to normal again. It's really confusing to me.

Is this typical of an angry INFJ? And what makes them forgive someone?

In my experience, most of the people that behave that way are on drugs... those people being my parents etal. Just have a look for red eyes when they're all calm. I know exactly what you mean by confusing too, I grew up with it and thought that I was the problem the whole time :blush:
 

Froody Blue Gem

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I tend to not really be entirely aware of my anger, until I've had time to process it. It gets more intense once I do have the time to admit it to myself, and I hold onto it for a long time if it's over something major. I can let go of little minor things though. I become more increasingly aware and resentment builds up if I am frequently around the person who made me angry in the first place.

Many people IRL have never seen me angry and say that they have trouble imagining my anger, and those who see it see another side to me. Sometimes I have exploded and yelled at people when it's been held in for too long.
 
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