[NF] NF after a broken relationship?

[quietgirl]

Can we list our approximate ages (even by decades people) and how many relationships we've been in? I love that people feel comfortable sharing and personally find it very illuminating -- but, without context it's not nearly as helpful.

For instance, some people say that haven't been in 'many' or 'any' relationships but if you are 21 or under I think that can be contributed to literally years of opportunity and experimenting versus if you are in your 50s which might be contributed to having married your highschool sweetheart and still being together or just being an incredibly private person who prefers being alone.

Also, are we defining "breakups" as only official dating partner relationships w/ physical intimacy, even if the physical intimacy is only holding hands? Do we only count break-ups past the age of 18? Is 'dating' considered different from being "in a relationship" and if so, do we count dating breakups to? Also, aren't people responses in 'breakups' really dependent on what the relationship and the person meant to them and if they are the kind fo person who 'sees the writing on the wall' for a while or is the person doing the dumping?

I think some people are just very casual about their relationships and aren't deeply invested usually so breakups ain't no thing. But some people are HARDCORE monogamists who take their relationships very seriously investing a lot of time and energy, so even if they weren't deeply in love with the person, breaking up is hard because it's such a loss or change for them.

Just my 2 cents.

I hate to be a stinker on this, but these things do matter!

And yes, I would personally love to hear more details from me people, because I like context.

To answer your questions...

I am in my late twenties. I'm a "hardcore monogamist" as you described, for the most part & I've had a couple serious relationships (one lasting 6 years!). Though, in between long term relationships, I tend to always be casually dating someone. However, I will not call it a relationship & ultimately give them my commitment & innermost self unless I am serious about them. As for break ups I'm describing, I mean only the real relationships - with a small exception of a close friendship that crossed the line & got way too complicated. That one felt like a break up. I will say that I've been described as the "girl who always has a boyfriend", though.

I agree with --> "Also, aren't people responses in 'breakups' really dependent on what the relationship and the person meant to them and if they are the kind fo person who 'sees the writing on the wall' for a while or is the person doing the dumping?"

I tend to cut off communication regardless of who did the dumping. I need to do it in order to get over the relationship and move on. However, if I am doing the dirty deed, then I don't always go into analytical/self help mode afterwards. I'm usually on the receiving end of the dumping, though, because I tend to stick around in relationships long after they should be over.

 

[hotmale]

One day she wanted to commit suicide after I nearly dumped her. Then she made plans to get back with her ex behind my back. All this in the matter of two weeks. When I did dump her, she got back with her ex 1 hour later and told me she always loved him anyway but couldn't face it because he wasn't right "socially".

If I contradict her she thinks I'm "attacking" her. She's been spreading gossip.

HAHAHAHA! We must have had the same ex at one point!

I'm not trying to speak badly of NFs- but their mentality is- "If I can't have you, then no one can!"

Most of the vicious gossip mongers at my workplace were NFs. NTs seem a little bored with trivialities and tend to observe decorum. Not so with NFs. All's fair in love and war.

 

[CzeCze]

OMG, that woman is NUTTY, she is NOT an NF. There is a difference. ANY personality type could act like that if they were appropriately NUTTY enough and an NF isn't going to necessarily act like that just because of type.

Now being WRONGED however, whoowee, yeah I can get nutty. But you know what they say about 'a woman scorned' and all that. Cause I get REAL nutty.

Rejection and being wronged are totally separate things however. It's a sign of immaturity not being able to distinguish the two. Just like you shouldn't engage in sex if you can't even talk about it, you shouldn't engage in relationships if you absolutely cannot handle rejection.

I take that back, lots of people refrain from relationships and get all weird out of fear. Instead, I recommend throwing yourself into whatever terrifies you --in this case other people -- with the goal of being rejected as often and as dramatically and painfully as possible so you can grow a pair and become better able to face the world.

This public service announcement brought to you by your neighborhood ENFP.

Now everybody --- DANCE!

 

[CzeCze]

To answer your questions...
I'm usually on the receiving end of the dumping, though, because I tend to stick around in relationships long after they should be over.

I'm also in my late 20s and was hard-wired for serial monagamy. And OOH GIRL, I feel ya. I was once in a 3 year relationship that looking back should have lastd 6 months tops and if I had any sense (which unfortunately I did not have much of at that age) 2 weeks.

That relationship and the aftermath really made me switch gears and I am NOT a serial monagamist anymore.

It's also a challenge not to hold onto negative feelings after putting myself unecessarily through a bad relationship and negative person, but the way I temper any negative feelings is to be really thankful that I learned so much and I totally clocked my 'bad relationship' card, ensuring that all future relationships for the rest of my life will be MUCH BETTER.

 

[Eternue-MDL]

Contextually, I am almost 30. I've been in what I have called a soulmate relationship for only a month but felt like a lifetime. My longest relationship was from early 2002 to about mid to late 2006. It was live-in for two years then LTR for another 2. I had no desire to move to NYC, nor do I now.

I am a serial monogamist. Though, I could probably deal with a closed polyamorous relationship provided there was genuine affection, complete honesty (which is next to impossible with humans), and a 'group' loyalty. Oh, and to clear the air, I have never been in a heterosexual or bisexual relationship. I could try to forgive cheating, but something about it lingers. It's a scar like a battle wound.

Scantilyclad, I am glad you've found some happiness in your current relationship. Chronic cheating must be an awful thing to deal with. It sounds like he may have some form of sexual addiction (which is not all that uncommon, though it would be nice if it were).

 

[Maverick]

My God Maverick. Cut this woman out of your life or else get her professinoal help. She's toxic and will turn into a lifesucking boil on your butt.

I want to treat her as I treat everyone in spite of the situation.

HAHAHAHA! We must have had the same ex at one point!

I'm not trying to speak badly of NFs- but their mentality is- "If I can't have you, then no one can!"

Most of the vicious gossip mongers at my workplace were NFs. NTs seem a little bored with trivialities and tend to observe decorum. Not so with NFs. All's fair in love and war.

Heh Definitely true here.

Now being WRONGED however, whoowee, yeah I can get nutty. But you know what they say about 'a woman scorned' and all that. Cause I get REAL nutty.

Could you please expand on this comment?

Rejection and being wronged are totally separate things however. It's a sign of immaturity not being able to distinguish the two. Just like you shouldn't engage in sex if you can't even talk about it, you shouldn't engage in relationships if you absolutely cannot handle rejection.

I take that back, lots of people refrain from relationships and get all weird out of fear.

The line between being wronged and rejected is blurry.

 

[CzeCze]

Heh Definitely true heh. With this girl, if you don't love her, then she hates you.

She told me once when we were together in a really strange voice: "You better not leave me or you'll see what happens to you!".

[deletia]

Does any NF have any idea of the logic behind this behavior?

Danger Will Robinson! Danger Will Robinson! Abort! Abort!

OMG. If that is not straight up Fatal Attraction, I don't know what is.

Seriously Maverick, maybe your interaction with her is slowly turning her away and making her stop fixating on you (which is a good thing) but making your own boundaries and demanding and giving respect is not lowering yourself to her level. If someone is that nutty, unless you get really nasty or mean or equally nutty, you cannot go down to their level.

And thinking about her -- honestly it does her no good at all to continue to have you in her life. Your presence in her life is giving her an excuse to be nutty. One day, when she is no longer nutty, she I swear to god she will THANK YOU for your tough love and being firm and consistent with her.

In fact, I think being able to gracefully handle toxic and annoying personality types is quite smooth and a rare skill.

But enough of my mini lecture which I only share with you because I care and I am aware.

In answer to your NF question -- I really hope to god this woman's freaky behavior is not related to any kind of NF thing. She tested MBTI? What is her type?

As for being wronged vs. being rejected. My best friend and I started dating. Then a mutual friend told me that she and my best friend had been secretly dating for 2 years. Which mean it was during the same time I was briefly dating the same friend.

Did I go a little crazy on my now ex-best friend? Oh you bet your non ENFP ass I did. And they say we're all about warm fuzzies. I didnt' get violent, but I did cause her a lot of embarassment in public by calling her out. I did NOT however gossip about her because the whole disgusting affair was very much a 'private' thing and she couldn't stand anyone else knowing. Which just made me more frustrated and vent more crazy at her.

 

[Maverick]

Seriously Maverick, maybe your interaction with her is slowly turning her away and making her stop fixating on you (which is a good thing) but making your own boundaries and demanding and giving respect is not lowering yourself to her level.

Did that already. Then she stopped, but continued later until the next time I did it.

It's a cycle and the only way out is to forget about it.

 

[Sandy]

for me, life is about monogamy...

I hate dating. Okay, let me rephrase that... I hate dating around. I am a 42-year old divorcee (of 16-years - I chose to raise my kids to adulthood before I marry again). The few dates that I had in between my long-term relationships were yucky. The whole dating scene just made me feel more lonelier than I already was. I'd rather be alone than date around.

I live for one person and one person only. I dream of the day when I can marry the one that I am currently dating. We have been long-distance dating for 3-years now, and he (INTP system analyst/preacher) is a real gem, and I am totally devoted to him!

The relationship that I had prior to this relationship lasted 9-years, and we stayed together way longer than we should have; I am glad that we didn't get married (btw, we didn't live together). I had some major trust issues with him (ISTJ police officer), and I wished that I could have forgive him fully, but I just couldn't. I used these trust issues against him, and it was a dance that was played out way too long. When I finally couldn't deal with him anymore , I cut the ties and never looked back. That's typical for me, though. I do hope that he found someone more like him, though.

I typically have long-term relationships, and when it ends, I usually wait a year before I date again. However I quickly decided to jump to an online dating forum, and after 6-weeks, I found someone who changed my whole life. (conservativematch.com - when you are looking for someone in particular, this site helps narrow your religious and political preferences right off the bat!)

When I end a relationship, I end up being unbelievably melancholy and relieved at the same time. I end up listening to sad music and choosing the saddest movie to cry to. In between that time, I am always analyzing what went wrong and what type of person I need to look for that would be good for me. (hence MBTI!)

 

[cascadeco]

Most of the vicious gossip mongers at my workplace were NFs. NTs seem a little bored with trivialities and tend to observe decorum. Not so with NFs. All's fair in love and war.

Seriously??? I must be hanging around the wrong NF's (or rather, the right ones. , because none of the NF's I know are gossip-mongers at all...far from it. Are you sure they aren't SF's??

Anyway, late 20's (almost 30...eek), only monogamous. I've been in only three serious relationships, although I've done a fair amount of dating. Once I go beyond a few dates, it's serious in my mind -- if I don't see the potential for something serious, I'll end it after a few dates, because I don't see the 'point' of continuing if I don't see anything longterm. It goes against my grain.

When they have ended, I usually spend a while going into self-analysis. When I was broken up with, I was kicking myself and beating myself up because I 'should have seen' that it wouldn't work out, right from the start. And when I instigated the breakup the other two times, I did it because I knew I was in far deeper than them, and we were on two different pages, and I knew we weren't going to line up - so even though I loved/cared for them, and the relationships were going great otherwise, I couldn't stand that we were on different pages, going in different directions in life, so I ended them because of that. So those were painful for me, because I broke up with them even while I still loved them.

I haven't been in an actual relationship for 3 yrs, although have dated since then, maybe going out with maybe 6 or 7 people since -- but only 4 dates max with each of them, because none of them have led to anything else. I suck at dating. It's hard for me to actually meet people, and then I'm picky too.

 

[findthejake]

Once I go beyond a few dates, it's serious in my mind -- if I don't see the potential for something serious, I'll end it after a few dates, because I don't see the 'point' of continuing if I don't see anything longterm. It goes against my grain.

Same here. I need to find some new friends though or figure out a new place to meet girls, this part of the city I live in seems to be barren of early 20-somethings...