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[Jungian Cognitive Functions] Do INFPs Hold Grudges... Really bad ones?

fill

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I've got a friend that I'm 98% sure is INFP (unhealthy in some aspects; uses language like, "I hate myself" and is constantly comparing herself to other people, wanting to be more like them- something I noticed my ENFP friend does also). She and my ENFJ buddy hooked up, but the ENFJ guy's a bit of a man-whore, so he ditched the INFP for other girls, and she still had feelings for him- even as they weren't dating.

So, this was... over a month ago; she's still angry. She saw another girl given the same treatment by the ENFJ, and she took empathy to a new level (slow down, Fi!) by taking some- what I find unjustified- actions.

And this is just one guy. She's ranted about exes and how they've mistreated here, while I (whether two months ago being very INFJ or now being very xNTP) let situations like that go and have even befriended those who've caused me harm.

What gives?
 

Amargith

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FiSi :)

Fi can get really vengeful and raging when it's been exposed and abused (in its own perception). Fi tends to show itself completely vulnerable to those it trusts..and trusts that that trust will not be abused. It's like a rite of passage, and the ultimate gift a Fi-user hands to another person. When it is abused...well, it feels like a knife was put in your back and turned around three times.

That depth of feeling goes both ways. Deep intense love is awesome..but the other side of the coin is intense hate. And they are really really close. Bliss cannot exist without rockbottom. Fi experiences the entire rainbow of human emotion in all its intensity. And it's hard to control.

It's scary actually, I can relate. My ENFJ-ex did the same (and worse to me). We had a pretty long relationship, but after we broke up, I actually kept going by intensely hating him and, yes, I did get back at him. The thing that pissed me off the most was that I knew many more girls would follow after me as he was that charming. And I had no way of undoing that. He'd get away with it, the smug bastard. That just pissed me off beyond all reason. Mind you, I was 16 years old at the time.

Fi takes time to master, to channel, to...tame, you could say :D
She'll get the hang of it ;)

As for the Si..that's what makes us remember like an elephant. Especially those moments that are connected to intense emotion. Love tends to be a very...memorable journey for FiSi users, for that very reason. She basically relives emotionally what happened every time she's reminded of her past.
 

fill

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The thing that pissed me off the most was that I knew many more girls would follow after me as he was that charming. And I had no way of undoing that. He'd get away with it, the smug bastard.

I think you just paraphrased her. :tongue:

Doesn't holding on to the bad results of situations like these only make one's condition worse?

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."
-Buddha

?

She basically relives emotionally what happened every time she's reminded of her past.

Interesting. So- is it processing these things in an extremely subjective state?
 

Amargith

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Well it's meant to teach you what to avoid. But yeah, holding onto it is..toxic, in the long run. Still, it can be a survival mechanism as well. I think I would've comitted suicide (yes, it was that intense) if it wouldn't have been for this all-consuming hate I had for him, for several months. After that, it took years to get enough distance to gain perspective and appreciate what he'd actually also given me (though at a high price).

That's what I mean with it takes time to learn how to handle Fi properly. Those intense emotions don't let themselves be leashed easily...

What you can try, is try and show her what she gained from the relationship, what lifelessons it bestowed on her. Mind you, this is rather dangerous, as you could get the full Fi-load over you if she's not *there yet* emotionally.
 

Amargith

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Interesting. So- is it processing these things in an extremely subjective state?

It's kinda like being transported back into that emotional state you were in back then. I guess it is meant to digest those intense emotions. And some experiences take a lot of trips to the past to get over them. The pain you relive gets duller and duller and eventually you no longer truly relive it, but it's more that you remember what the pain was like. It's...not a fun process when done with negative emotions. And it can go wrong if you try to evade the pain (which is a natural reflex), and fight the process. It gets you stuck in that pain as you focus on that, instead of the lessons you need to learn.

Compare it to some spiritual teachings. You'll keep having that recurring nightmare till you look past the pain and stop running from it and learn what the dream is desperately trying to teach you. The same can be said for vision quests. Till you crack the code, it will keep bugging ya.. ;)

It's an awesome process when done with blissfull emotions though :D :D :D
 

bcvcdc

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Fi can get really vengeful and raging when it's been exposed and abused (in its own perception). Fi tends to show itself completely vulnerable to those it trusts..and trusts that that trust will not be abused. It's like a rite of passage, and the ultimate gift a Fi-user hands to another person. When it is abused...well, it feels like a knife was put in your back and turned around five times.
minor correction. i really don't understand at all what your post actually said but yeah, i do hold grudges very intensely and deeply. And I will say that it seems quite strange to me that in this very forum, there are certain people who sort of extend their hand in a friendly way, asking if maybe there's a small chance of meeting up somewhere and those very same people turn around and insult, and i mean deeply insult - using really derogatory remarks about this person who, just two seconds, they ago asked to meet up with. Really, I don't get it. What do they expect? Do they really think that the insultee is going to greet them with open arms, just forget about the "knife in the back" and go on? No! And I do mean NO!

They talk here about being psychologically healthy, but I have to say that they seem to be a few of the sickest people in here. Do ya know who you are? Yeah, they know who I'm talking about, but I could name names...
 

The Outsider

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In fact, I don't relate to the OP at all. I do consider myself unhealthy, but I do not hate myself, being more similar to others is something I do not want. And I don't hold grudges, I really don't. Any kind of prolonged anger is just entirely alien to me.
 

Kastor

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I only really hold onto grudges if I felt that someone had done something terrible to someone I love. I've only held on to two grudges for that reason.
 
A

A window to the soul

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INFP's Don't Hold Grudges (typically)

I don't hold grudges. Matter of fact, no matter how much I don't like you or you annoy me, that can change by the day. Tomorrow, I might decide I love you. :wubbie:

'Grudges' sounds more like INFJ. :yes:
 

sunshinebrighter

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I hold grudges a lot. When people do something fucked up to me, it's hard to get over. I'm working on it.
 

William K

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It's an awesome process when done with blissfull emotions though :D :D :D

Oh yeah, I can still picture and 'hear' my high school Maths teacher grudgingly giving me a 100% score on a test because try as she might she couldn't find any mistakes. Ok, so I'm an INFP nerd :p
 

fill

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Oh. This is good. I'm liking the harsh contrast between INFPs. Enneagram types everyone?

I'd like to see what causes this rift.
 

Amargith

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4w5!

Also, I'd like to add that you have those that will boil like lava and go pissed, and you've got those that skip that stage and go straight to Ice Queen status and detach, coz it's not worth their effort.

Fusing the two is imo the ideal combo to deal with life..but that's my own little pet theory ;)
 

OrangeAppled

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In fact, I don't relate to the OP at all. I do consider myself unhealthy, but I do not hate myself, being more similar to others is something I do not want. And I don't hold grudges, I really don't. Any kind of prolonged anger is just entirely alien to me.

Yeah, I don't really relate to the OP either.... I'm 4w5.

I can hold a grudge, but not a revengeful one that continues to produce emotion. I have an ex best friend whose wedding I attended, but internally I know I could never be friends with her again. So I kind of have a grudge, in that the bridge is forever burned, but I don't feel any active anger towards her at all. It's more of a wariness and decision to keep this person at a distance; I forgave, but I didn't forget. I think trust is the issue there...my trust can be irrevocably lost, but it takes a lot to do that.

Now, immediately after something has happened, I will be angry and maybe even seek some retribution. I will rant to family or friends about it, but only to the very closest of them, and they usually have to prompt me first. Depending on the severity of the grievance, any anger will start to lessen pretty quickly and turn into wariness or total forgiveness.
 

Bubbles

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4w3. I both do and don't hold grudges.

I won't forget when people hurt me, and I am unwilling to trust that person again unless they give me reason to suspect they've changed their ways. At the same time, I don't relive the anger unless someone says something to remind me of it. Usually I just have my meltdown, cry a bit, deep breaths, and smile again. Takes days at most. When I was younger this process was much slower though...year-long, really. :doh:

EDIT: OrangeAppled said what I did way more eloquently. :laugh:
 

fill

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Interesting. Maybe this comes with functional development? I'm thoroughly intrigued. :D
 

SillySapienne

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No, but if I find you to be a horrible, wretched, mean-spirited, asshole of a person, I'll despise you for life.

:)
 
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Definitely agree with Orange especially.

I had a friend from ms and hs that simply at one point
I had enough and just slowly broke away from doing things
with her. Also today I am very weary of doing anything
with her as she has drama where ever she goes and
I don't have the patience for it anymore.

I can still be civil, like forgive but never forget.
Told myself I will never do anything with just her
or a group smaller then four or five thus keeping her
at arms length. Also never longer then an hour or two.

One time *in 8th gr* I didn't hug this
previous boyfriend till the day of my High school graduation
cause after what he did to me, he was not going to be getting
a hug from me anytime soon. I'd be civil and say hi, how are you,
what's up etc. But hug, no he lost that priviledge.

That especially screams Fi-Si so thought i'd add that in there.
:)
 
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