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[INFJ] How easy is it to hurt an INFJ guy's feelings?

INTJMom

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I like INFJs and would love a male INFJ companion, but I'm worried that I would hurt his feelings all the time because of my T-ness, and he wouldn't be happy in the relationship... either that or he would smother me and I would end up walking around on eggshells trying not to offend him.

Should I steer clear of INFJ guys, or do you think an INFJ male in his 50's could handle the abruptness of an INTJ... namely... me?
 

Gin-raine

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More than likely yes, but it's going to depend more on how that particular person has lived and been raised then by the fact that he's and INFJ. I'm and ENFP and have an INTJ for a best friend and I'll admit that they have hurt my feelings a time or two but amazingly enough the T helps to balance us Fs out quite well, in my experience.
 

prplchknz

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i think it would depend on if he's healthy or not. I would think by 50 he should be able to be ok with insensitivity as long as you weren't too insensitive but I've known an unhealthy ixfj and even for me walking on egg shells was exhausting. of course with most people I say what comes into my mind and most people go why would you say that and I'm like because it's the truth or that's rude and i'm like well i didn't mean it in a malicious way. I tend be too honest for my own good at times.
 

MmmCrazy

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It's going to take a lot of love on your part (which will be returned a thousandfold!) and developing a sense of empathy for your partner when you do hurt his feelings. Just be very patient and loving with him and he'll appreciate it very much.
 

Gin-raine

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Oh I agree with you prplchknz, I have been known to be evtremely blunt but hey... I always figure it's helpful... maybe not huh?
 

MonkeyGrass

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I could see lots of potential for a great relationship there, especially since female INTJs and male INTJs tend to be typically more well-rounded than their opposite sex, same type counterparts.

I'm married to an INTJ, and I actually rarely get my feelings hurt by him. He drives me bananas on occasion, but he rarely hurts my feelings. :) A display of willingness to learn/understand how he'd like to be treated goes a long way, and you'll likely find that if you do that, he'll be likely to assume positive intent on your part. INFJs actually appreciate reason a great deal, as well as (appropriately timed) honest input.
 

INTJMom

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I could see lots of potential for a great relationship there, especially since female INTJs and male INTJs tend to be typically more well-rounded than their opposite sex, same type counterparts.

I'm married to an INTJ, and I actually rarely get my feelings hurt by him. He drives me bananas on occasion, but he rarely hurts my feelings. :) A display of willingness to learn/understand how he'd like to be treated goes a long way, and you'll likely find that if you do that, he'll be likely to assume positive intent on your part. INFJs actually appreciate reason a great deal, as well as (appropriately timed) honest input.
Thanks. :hug:
You give me hope.
I was afraid I was going to have to be stuck with an INTP or INTJ...
and I don't really think I could bear either one long-term.

I've met a couple of female INFJs recently, and I really like them a lot.
I'm not sure I know any INFJ men though.

The ISTxs in my life don't seem to respect me because all they see is my lack of what they call "common sense". And I don't care care to finish out the rest of my life being disrespected. I'm not doing another 25 years of that. I'd rather be alone.
 

INTJMom

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It's going to take a lot of love on your part (which will be returned a thousandfold!) and developing a sense of empathy for your partner when you do hurt his feelings. Just be very patient and loving with him and he'll appreciate it very much.
Thank you.
You make me wish I knew one.

Also, your avatar makes me want to get a yellow-dog. :wubbie:
 

cascadeco

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I like INFJs and would love a male INFJ companion, but I'm worried that I would hurt his feelings all the time because of my T-ness, and he wouldn't be happy in the relationship... either that or he would smother me and I would end up walking around on eggshells trying not to offend him.

Should I steer clear of INFJ guys, or do you think an INFJ male in his 50's could handle the abruptness of an INTJ... namely... me?

I don't think you should be concerned about this at all!

I don't believe I get my feelings hurt easily, and I would imagine (maybe wrongly?) that a male INFJ, given gender expectations/roles, would have built up that much more of a thicker skin over the years. Anyway, the male INFJ I know...you'd never guess he was INFJ. He comes across as rather crusty and quite cynical - rough around the edges but also really sensitive and good with people. Dark/sarcastic sense of humor.

I think INFJ's are pretty good about taking other peoples' dispositions into account. So they're able to know when someone isn't intentionally being hurtful, or won't take particularly blunt language badly, because they tie it to the person himself and what they know about him. It's all about intentions, and even if his feelings would be hurt at some point, all it would take would be an explanation/clarification of what you were really intending or trying to say, and then it would all be good. In my opinion.

Anyway, I've never had issues with NTP's or NTJ's as friends.
 

INTJMom

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I don't think you should be concerned about this at all!

I don't believe I get my feelings hurt easily, and I would imagine (maybe wrongly?) that a male INFJ, given gender expectations/roles, would have built up that much more of a thicker skin over the years. Anyway, the male INFJ I know...you'd never guess he was INFJ. He comes across as rather crusty and quite cynical - rough around the edges but also really sensitive and good with people. Dark/sarcastic sense of humor.

I think INFJ's are pretty good about taking other peoples' dispositions into account. So they're able to know when someone isn't intentionally being hurtful, or won't take particularly blunt language badly, because they tie it to the person himself and what they know about him. It's all about intentions, and even if his feelings would be hurt at some point, all it would take would be an explanation/clarification of what you were really intending or trying to say, and then it would all be good. In my opinion.

Anyway, I've never had issues with NTP's or NTJ's as friends.
Thank you.
That is quite encouraging. :hug:
 

Athenian200

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It's very easy to hurt an INFJ if you try to hurt their feelings, but very hard if you're trying to be nice (even if you're very emotionally clumsy). Intent is a big deal, especially when INFJs are dealing with INTJs, because we can sense it. You guys are more transparent (at least to INFJs) than you think, believe me.

It's not so much whether you're blunt, so much as why you're blunt that matters to INFJs. If it's for their own good, they'll appreciate it, and if it's just because you disagree with them and want to be right, then they won't so much.

But wait... I thought you were already married and everything! What happened?
 

the state i am in

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my s.o. is an intj female. she's a 6w7 sp/so so she's a bit sunnier in disposition than some intjs. she is great at recognizing problems, altho she is terrible at predicting emotional responses. so she is sometimes very cautious. more direct communication than is sometimes immediately comfortable eases all concerns so far.

we predict and structure our communications based on the other person's emotional mood, needs, etc. when we can't read it, we lose touch and feel like we're not communicating. this is an obstacle, which is why written speech can be very important to give concrete grounded discussion.

her ability to revise, set objectives/goals and sub-goals, etc, is fucking GREAT for me! i love it. plus we do lots of classically introverted things, cook, play abstract strategy games, read, etc. lots of quality time together where we are using our imaginations and our great and enormously powerful brains! :D

i can be sooo sensitive tho and my feelings do get hurt. but less with her than any other previous relationship. she cares and wants to solve problems!
 

bighairything

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I'm not sure how much of a good idea it is to take MBTI too seriously when considering who you're going to hook up with. I've been going out with an INFP for a short while, and went through a period of looking out for the ENFP/INFP flashpoints (specifically: clash of values and hyper sensitivity) to the point where I realised there was a real danger that I was going to turn it into a self-fulfilling prophesy. If you meet someone you like, best to just run with it and see what happens.
 

INTJMom

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I'm not sure how much of a good idea it is to take MBTI too seriously when considering who you're going to hook up with. I've been going out with an INFP for a short while, and went through a period of looking out for the ENFP/INFP flashpoints (specifically: clash of values and hyper sensitivity) to the point where I realised there was a real danger that I was going to turn it into a self-fulfilling prophesy. If you meet someone you like, best to just run with it and see what happens.
I agree.
 

Twixt

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I think it would work. INFJs (well, the couple of male ones whom i'm close to) generally appreciate the T-ness. They recognise that they need that. They know that they tend to get idealistic and do appreciate pragmaticism from their friends; it can somewhat have a 'grounding effect'.

I'd say go for it -- the only problem now is finding one. Haha -- you gotta make sure you know what they look like first! And don't scare them with excessive business-y/bristling Te. You have to show that you're interested and genuinely care. I think thats the MAIN important thing. To show interest and genuine concern and appreciation for them.

It's very easy to hurt an INFJ if you try to hurt their feelings, but very hard if you're trying to be nice (even if you're very emotionally clumsy).

^ Agreed
 

ChocolateMoose123

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I'm by no means an expert on INFJ's but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night. :rolleyes: Honestly, I took him for a fellow SP when I first met mine. Kind of tricky to recognize.
 

INTJMom

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my s.o. is an intj female. she's a 6w7 sp/so so she's a bit sunnier in disposition than some intjs. she is great at recognizing problems, altho she is terrible at predicting emotional responses. so she is sometimes very cautious. more direct communication than is sometimes immediately comfortable eases all concerns so far.

we predict and structure our communications based on the other person's emotional mood, needs, etc. when we can't read it, we lose touch and feel like we're not communicating. this is an obstacle, which is why written speech can be very important to give concrete grounded discussion.

her ability to revise, set objectives/goals and sub-goals, etc, is fucking GREAT for me! i love it. plus we do lots of classically introverted things, cook, play abstract strategy games, read, etc. lots of quality time together where we are using our imaginations and our great and enormously powerful brains! :D

i can be sooo sensitive tho and my feelings do get hurt. but less with her than any other previous relationship. she cares and wants to solve problems!
Aww. That's awesome! :)
 

weakshadeofblue

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I'm a female INFJ with a female INTJ best friend.
Yes, her abruptness and direct (sometimes rude) statements can hurt my feelings, but as someone said in another thread (I think it was "You know you're an INFJ when..."), I have the tendency to -think- the SAME WAY she does.

The difference is: she actually says it, but I might not (at least, not to the person :D).

Also, at least for me, I'm just as capable of being brashly sarcastic and hurtful, so it should even out :p.

My best friend and I are very different. Sometimes I think had we not known each other since we were 11, we wouldn't have become such close friends. But I think it does balance out in a lot of ways. I would think that an INFJ/INTJ romantic relationship would be great as far as communication goes! My INTJ friend is able to see things in their simplest form and solve problems that way, which helps me a lot when I am bogged down by the symbolism or details :p.
 

INTJMom

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I'm a female INFJ with a female INTJ best friend.
Yes, her abruptness and direct (sometimes rude) statements can hurt my feelings, but as someone said in another thread (I think it was "You know you're an INFJ when..."), I have the tendency to -think- the SAME WAY she does.

The difference is: she actually says it, but I might not (at least, not to the person :D).

Also, at least for me, I'm just as capable of being brashly sarcastic and hurtful, so it should even out :p.

My best friend and I are very different. Sometimes I think had we not known each other since we were 11, we wouldn't have become such close friends. But I think it does balance out in a lot of ways. I would think that an INFJ/INTJ romantic relationship would be great as far as communication goes! My INTJ friend is able to see things in their simplest form and solve problems that way, which helps me a lot when I am bogged down by the symbolism or details :p.
Cool!
That gives me hope that maybe someday I might be able to find a relationship that is nurturing.
 

Skyward

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The one real thing I've found is that, due to being 'trained' by society, I need to feel like I can reliably 'win' in areas. I learned this from the two T-girls* I know here in Finland. It feels like if I say something it's probably going to be nitpicked or shot down. It really gets me down, thankfully conversations with them can be interesting and fun.


All you really gotta do is accept their potential for 'gender role frustration' and other oddities, such as obliviousness, but I guess as an MBTI-knowledgeable INTJ you're set for it.

*One might not be T, but she's likely E and has 'laserbeam eyes' I tend to associate with EJs. The other has got to be an ENTP.
 
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