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[Ni] The pain of Ni in a male INFJ

nzAShadow

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My closest friend, and INFJ, is going through a particularly rough time right now. Here is the story.

A girl that he has had strong feelings for since childhood breaks up with her boyfriend, three weeks later she starts sleeping with another good friend of his. It should also be noted that my friend also doesn't live in town, but in a city two and a half hours away, but was making the drive to town to visit us and hang out every week, only to go home for maybe three or four days of the week to go to work.

Well, he was upset over this, saying he was wanting to break TV's (those who watch How I Met Your Mother may know this reference.) While he's in town one week, the girl teasingly asks him if he would date her (it should also be noted that she's had feelings for him since childhood.) So my friend, being the honest person he is, says yes he would.

The discuss it, the girl pushing a relationship, but he didn't want to rush into a relationship because she had just gotten out of a long relationship, and he has bad experiences with being a rebound from another girl, suffice it to say a very long chapter of pain in his life. So, no relationship is developed, however, the girl decides to take a week off work the next week, so she and him could spend the whole week together.

So they go through with this, he comes to town and spends the week with her, listening to her problems from the past relationship and how that guy won't let go of her, but generally hanging out playing rockband most of the week, all the while she basically was trying to seduce him into some sort of physical relationship, though him and his intimacy issues would even let him indulge in that.

Well, week ends, he comes to stay at my house the last night in town so that I can take him to the train the next morning so he could head back to town. So whilst on my computer, was logged on to his preferred IM messaging program, sees his friend that was sleeping with her log on, then go idle 5 minutes later, another 5 minutes later the girl logs off. (It should be known that it is confirmed practically a couple days later that she is sleeping with his friend again)

Here starts the dreaded downward spiral of his Ni+Fe that I've seen so many times before, and again I don't know what to do to help other than listen to him with my occasional input or let it pass, which I know doesn't end well. In the past this has even led to a suicide attempt, so I am afraid to just let this pass.

Any advice for healing a wounded INFJ would be immensely helpful. While I can relate to his pain I don't know how to articulate any sound advice that would apply to him instead of myself, as I've found suggesting my own coping methods simply would not benefit him, and that he would need effective ways to cope or deal with it that would apply more specifically to himself.
 

Tikka

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World is not a friggin idealistic place. Get him out to social events that he likes, get him to talk to other girls, let him know she's not the only girl out there.

Also, let him know that if he wanted to f*ck her, he should have, and not whine afterwards. ;)

In another topic: women :rolleyes:
 

nzAShadow

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Though I agree that if he could indulge into any of these, it'd help him out. The problem is, these have been brought up on several occasions, but he is too caught up in his Ni to do any of it.

How would you go about motivating him into actually doing these things?
 

Billy

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Tell him to move on, the nice guy act is ridiculous.
 

Tikka

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Though I agree that if he could indulge into any of these, it'd help him out. The problem is, these have been brought up on several occasions, but he is too caught up in his Ni to do any of it.

How would you go about motivating him into actually doing these things?

Intrinsic motivation won't help. I suggest you drag him by his hair to any of these places. :cheese:

Seriously, he won't get there by himself. That's why you, as a friend, should make some external effort to drag him there. You know what makes him happy, so get him to these happy places. He's just too busy with sulking to have any motivation to go there himself.

And oh yeah, big time Nice Guy he is. :smile:
 

nzAShadow

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oh man, it's not like you can tell someone to do something and they'll do it, though there's got to be a way to get through to him.
 

Oaky

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This would be one of the best solutions:
[YOUTUBE="8PKndk7vu-E"]Cheating girlfriend[/YOUTUBE]
Tell him to do this.
 

nzAShadow

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Intrinsic motivation won't help. I suggest you drag him by his hair to any of these places. :cheese:

Seriously, he won't get there by himself. That's why you, as a friend, should make some external effort to drag him there. You know what makes him happy, so get him to these happy places. He's just too busy with sulking to have any motivation to go there himself.

And oh yeah, big time Nice Guy he is. :smile:

Ok, this makes sense. Also happens to be my weak point, but I think I can do it.
 

Tikka

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oh man, it's not like you can tell someone to do something and they'll do it, though there's got to be a way to get through to him.

That's why I said you should drag him physically to another place. You won't get through to him.

Him interacting with lotsa other nice girls and doing nice things will.

But before that, you need to get him physically there, and when he's there, others will get through to him.
 

Billy

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oh man, it's not like you can tell someone to do something and they'll do it, though there's got to be a way to get through to him.

The sad fact is that for an INFJ male who is sort of like an awkward mix, trust me I know from experience,he must want to change or be the change. There is truly nothing you can do until he decides he is ready to move on. You cannot help someone who cannot help themself.
 

Billy

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This would be one of the best solutions:
[YOUTUBE="8PKndk7vu-E"]Cheating girlfriend[/YOUTUBE]
Tell him to do this.

hahaha I remember this video! He must be an INFJ only an INFJ or an INTJ could be so evil and pull this off hahaha
 

Keps Mnemnosyne

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Remember he isn't an extrovert. Nonetheless I would take Tikka's suggestion with the phrase "some social events" even if he feels crappy at least get him to hang out with friends, and after he feels better, some strangers.

People do make mistakes (for him, the Nice Guy Syndrome), but he should have seen this coming. Perhaps he did, which makes it all the worse for him.
 

nzAShadow

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That's why I said you should drag him physically to another place. You won't get through to him.

Him interacting with lotsa other nice girls and doing nice things will.

But before that, you need to get him physically there, and when he's there, others will get through to him.

Sorry I typed that before I saw your post.

Yeah he does want change, he just can't stop thinking about the issue. Hell the other night, he suddenly wakes up and says "they moved in together..." and freaked out for a bit.
 
P

Phantonym

Guest
This would be one of the best solutions:

Tell him to do this.

:doh: Not this thing again. No, of course, do not tell him to do THIS! Leave that to the movies.

As to the OP. You know what, other than listening and talking to him and trying to get his mind off of it, there isn't much you can do.

However, as he has a history of taking things too far, as you suggested by the suicide attempt, you shouldn't just let things stay as they are. Talking to him about it is the best way to go. I know INFJ's have the tendency to just block everybody out even if they want help, so you shouldn't let that discourage you. It can be very frustrating but if things get bad, it might be best to push it a bit further and not let him sink into withdrawal mode. Try to make him face the cold, hard facts. Talk, talk and talk some more, even if it is difficult for the both of you. It might shake him up and make him to start thinking about things more clearly.

What Tikka suggested about dragging him to go out can also be helpful along with talking. The idea is to get him out of his comfort zone.

If you see that things are getting really bad even if you have tried talking to him about it extensively, you might think about suggesting some professional help to him. Talking to someone who is not involved in it personally can be very helpful.

Good luck. :)
 

Tikka

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Sorry I typed that before I saw your post.

Yeah he does want change, he just can't stop thinking about the issue. Hell the other night, he suddenly wakes up and says "they moved in together..." and freaked out for a bit.

You guys are sleeping in the same bed? :wubbie: :newwink:

But yeah, I can relate to him. The thing is, his condition is amplified when he's alone or alonish with you. That's the crux. He will only be able to set his mind somewhere else when other people (preferably nice girls) are around him, so he sees more opportunity (for the future) instead of looking back in his head.
 

Tikka

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And yeah, it's (almost) funny how often this happens!!

Girl breaks up with boyfriend, Nice Guy listens to girl's whinings, girl fucks mr. rebound, Nice Guy in tears.
 

Billy

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And yeah, it's (almost) funny how often this happens!!

Girl breaks up with boyfriend, Nice Guy listens to girl's whinings, girl fucks mr. rebound, Nice Guy in tears.

Totally, I tell all my friends, if you want the girl, being a nice guy is a sure way to not getting her because women don't respect nice guy agendas.
 

Tikka

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I'm a recovering Nice Guy, and I agree: nothing is more of a turn off to women than a guy without a spine, aka Nice Guys.

Guys! It's possible to be respectful to girls *AND* to have a spine!! :jew:
 

nzAShadow

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So my job is talking him through and forcing him to social events... social events are not my specialty, I have trouble trying to get out of my own cave, lol. hm
 

nzAShadow

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I'm a recovering Nice Guy, and I agree: nothing is more of a turn off to women than a guy without a spine, aka Nice Guys.

Guys! It's possible to be respectful to girls *AND* to have a spine!! :jew:

oh but the trouble is differentiating the "Nice Guy" attitude from actual respect when you're stuck in the nice guy complex.
 
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