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[NF] Self-worth and your relationships with others

thescientist

New member
Joined
Jul 23, 2009
Messages
254
MBTI Type
INTJ
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5w4
I’ve been told a few times now by mature people, whose insight I respect, that I must not let my self-worth/self-esteem be affected by how another person behaves or feels towards me. This has always followed on the heels of a conversation about a friend being angry with me, a breakup, someone who I’ve made friendship efforts with not giving me the time of day…etc.

A few people seem to have picked up on this from me, and from self-examination I am getting the impression it is a problem for me, too. When people treat me unkindly, or if I fall out with a friend, or if a guy I like doesn’t like me, etc, it just seems to flatten me out of all measure. Besides having physical symptoms like nausea and exhaustion, I start questioning everything about myself. If there is blame on both sides, I blow my side of it out of all proportion. If it’s clearly the other person’s fault (I mean, it might even be clear to others), I still start questioning everything about myself and the part I may have played. I shouldn’t have said things that way, I pick my friends badly, if he doesn’t like me it’s because I’m not worth much, blah blah blah. I may be exaggerating slightly here, but only slightly. It is definitely sometimes I need to work on.

I should add that generally my relationships with others seem to run quite smoothly. So part of it may be the shock on the relatively rare occasions when things don’t go well. But that doesn’t really explain it… Maybe I also take too much of my self-worth from generally having good relationships with others!

Is this very much an NF thing, or am I just a bit messed up? :(


I dont think it's an NF thing. I JUST went through this exactly as you describe. Rejected by a guy. You know how I got out of the horrible self-doubt and insecurities? Self-talk. Literally. I would repeat to myself time after time: "I'm so friggin awesome!". If I had a moment of doubt, I would get those positive thoughts back in my head.

I would walk around work with my head held so high, purposely, even if I WASNT feeling all that great, but it made me exude positivity and confidence. Then I went around complimenting everyone, including the guy that rejected me. I compliment him like I'm friggin Penelope Cruz doing him the favor of a compliment! THAT's how confident you have to be. Making people feel good makes you in turn feel good. And trust me...it takes practice at first.

I didnt think it was possible, but I have shocked myself. I never knew it could be so simple.

Something a friend brought to my attention is that I'm apologetic even when I dont need to be. So now I'm more careful about apologizing. Make yourself feel worthy, even if you have to literally tell yourself that you are! Only apologize if ABSOLUTELY necessary.

Now repeat after me: I'M AWESOME. I'M AWESOME. I'M AWESOME. I'M SO FRIGGIN AWESOME!!!!

And dont just say it! BELIEVE IT! Because you are!
 

Tiltyred

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Dec 1, 2008
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Misc thoughts

It's hard to work from the outside in, as in reframing and cognitive therapy/self-talk, when you're INFJ. Or at least that's my experience. The gut has to align first. If my self-talk is not aligned with my gut, my gut calls bullshit.

INFJ has a strong tendency to introject, so when you are forced to reject what you've incorporated into yourself, it's like sawing off your own arm.

I don't know if this will help you, but it helped me stop -- it's a form of arrogance to think that you can control everything. I know you don't want to be arrogant. That thinking that if you'd just done or not done something, it would have made all the difference is most often just not true and it does you a disservice because you accept responsibility for things that are not yours. It's a boundary issue.

Make sure you get enough sleep.
 

toast

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Oct 22, 2009
Messages
239
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ENFJ
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2w3
I get this soooo bad but only when I really truly care about someone. Its as if I have decided that if they are worth caring for they are special to the extent that they can't be completely wrong about how they feel about me / treat me. It can be terrible in romantic relationships. If they don't treat me how I would treat them, there must be something wrong with me, or rather, there must be something I can do to change it. I get the nausea & exhaustion too. Though, once I disconnect from those people I can be extremely resilient. When it comes to people I don't count on, I'm pretty good at ignoring the kind of criticism or treatment that would normally hurt me.
 

Charmed Justice

Nickle Iron Silicone
Joined
Jul 22, 2009
Messages
2,805
MBTI Type
INFJ
I get easily crushed by people I have placed in high regard, but I don't usually show it. I just move on, and die a little bit on the inside. :)
 

mwv6r

New member
Joined
Nov 22, 2008
Messages
208
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Wow SilkRoad this is totally me to a T! It's nice to know I'm not the only one ;)

I've been afflicted with this heightened sensitivity my whole life. I believe it's a gift and a curse--it gives me a special knack for understanding and connecting with others, yet sometimes I feel so hurt by others' rudeness that I get physically ill and feel hurt and upset for days. My boss was in a bad mood and lashed out at me last week, and the next day I felt so down in the dumps that it was hard to get out of bed. One of the hardest things is that when people mistreat me I obsess over whether I deserved it and become extremely hard on myself. Anyway, I would like to develop a thicker skin because I know sometimes people are going to be assholes and it'd be best for me to learn how to let it roll off my back.... Suggestions, anyone? lol



I’ve been told a few times now by mature people, whose insight I respect, that I must not let my self-worth/self-esteem be affected by how another person behaves or feels towards me. This has always followed on the heels of a conversation about a friend being angry with me, a breakup, someone who I’ve made friendship efforts with not giving me the time of day…etc.

A few people seem to have picked up on this from me, and from self-examination I am getting the impression it is a problem for me, too. When people treat me unkindly, or if I fall out with a friend, or if a guy I like doesn’t like me, etc, it just seems to flatten me out of all measure. Besides having physical symptoms like nausea and exhaustion, I start questioning everything about myself. If there is blame on both sides, I blow my side of it out of all proportion. If it’s clearly the other person’s fault (I mean, it might even be clear to others), I still start questioning everything about myself and the part I may have played. I shouldn’t have said things that way, I pick my friends badly, if he doesn’t like me it’s because I’m not worth much, blah blah blah. I may be exaggerating slightly here, but only slightly. It is definitely sometimes I need to work on.

I should add that generally my relationships with others seem to run quite smoothly. So part of it may be the shock on the relatively rare occasions when things don’t go well. But that doesn’t really explain it… Maybe I also take too much of my self-worth from generally having good relationships with others!

Is this very much an NF thing, or am I just a bit messed up? :(
 

KLessard

Aspiring Troens Ridder
Joined
Apr 25, 2008
Messages
595
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
1w2
I’ve been told a few times now by mature people, whose insight I respect, that I must not let my self-worth/self-esteem be affected by how another person behaves or feels towards me. This has always followed on the heels of a conversation about a friend being angry with me, a breakup, someone who I’ve made friendship efforts with not giving me the time of day…etc.

A few people seem to have picked up on this from me, and from self-examination I am getting the impression it is a problem for me, too. When people treat me unkindly, or if I fall out with a friend, or if a guy I like doesn’t like me, etc, it just seems to flatten me out of all measure. Besides having physical symptoms like nausea and exhaustion, I start questioning everything about myself. If there is blame on both sides, I blow my side of it out of all proportion. If it’s clearly the other person’s fault (I mean, it might even be clear to others), I still start questioning everything about myself and the part I may have played. I shouldn’t have said things that way, I pick my friends badly, if he doesn’t like me it’s because I’m not worth much, blah blah blah. I may be exaggerating slightly here, but only slightly. It is definitely sometimes I need to work on.

I should add that generally my relationships with others seem to run quite smoothly. So part of it may be the shock on the relatively rare occasions when things don’t go well. But that doesn’t really explain it… Maybe I also take too much of my self-worth from generally having good relationships with others!

Is this very much an NF thing, or am I just a bit messed up? :(

Me too, me too !!!! I feel exactly the same. I actually feel it right now. I will give you a big virtual hug :hug: because you must feel awful.

I don't know if there is any sense in the impression I have, but being 1% of the population (INFJ), we have spent our lives being misunderstood. I know I ended up believing deep down that I am a defective human being.
 

Yloh

New member
Joined
Jul 31, 2009
Messages
183
MBTI Type
ENFJ
I can suffer from this as well. I had let it get to the point of me having a bad self esteem.

I've learned to get over this by telling myself that I have nothing to prove to others, I can't make everybody happy, and just be myself.

When I get down like this it helps to be around a positive environment. It is amazing how much this helps me.
 

DiscoBiscuit

Meat Tornado
Joined
Apr 13, 2009
Messages
14,794
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I’ve been told a few times now by mature people, whose insight I respect, that I must not let my self-worth/self-esteem be affected by how another person behaves or feels towards me. This has always followed on the heels of a conversation about a friend being angry with me, a breakup, someone who I’ve made friendship efforts with not giving me the time of day…etc.

A few people seem to have picked up on this from me, and from self-examination I am getting the impression it is a problem for me, too. When people treat me unkindly, or if I fall out with a friend, or if a guy I like doesn’t like me, etc, it just seems to flatten me out of all measure. Besides having physical symptoms like nausea and exhaustion, I start questioning everything about myself. If there is blame on both sides, I blow my side of it out of all proportion. If it’s clearly the other person’s fault (I mean, it might even be clear to others), I still start questioning everything about myself and the part I may have played. I shouldn’t have said things that way, I pick my friends badly, if he doesn’t like me it’s because I’m not worth much, blah blah blah. I may be exaggerating slightly here, but only slightly. It is definitely sometimes I need to work on.

I should add that generally my relationships with others seem to run quite smoothly. So part of it may be the shock on the relatively rare occasions when things don’t go well. But that doesn’t really explain it… Maybe I also take too much of my self-worth from generally having good relationships with others!

Is this very much an NF thing, or am I just a bit messed up? :(

You wanna know what?

I used to do this too.

I think this problem usually works itself out as you gain confidence in who you are, and stopping looking to external sources to define you.:hug:
 

Totenkindly

@.~*virinaĉo*~.@
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Apr 19, 2007
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50,221
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sx/sp
...I think this problem usually works itself out as you gain confidence in who you are, and stopping looking to external sources to define you.:hug:
That's definitely the gist of it.

More a matter of teaching people how to gain confidence in who they are and not using external standards to judge oneself, though.

People don't know exactly how to do that, it seems.

(It took me years to figure it out.)
 

mcmartinez84

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Oct 25, 2007
Messages
650
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ISTP
I get this soooo bad but only when I really truly care about someone. Its as if I have decided that if they are worth caring for they are special to the extent that they can't be completely wrong about how they feel about me / treat me. It can be terrible in romantic relationships. If they don't treat me how I would treat them, there must be something wrong with me, or rather, there must be something I can do to change it. I get the nausea & exhaustion too. Though, once I disconnect from those people I can be extremely resilient. When it comes to people I don't count on, I'm pretty good at ignoring the kind of criticism or treatment that would normally hurt me.

I get easily crushed by people I have placed in high regard, but I don't usually show it. I just move on, and die a little bit on the inside. :)

idk why, but it happens to me too. And it's pretty much just people I really, really care a lot for. I figure if they care for me as much as I care for them, then we should be able to be open about what's wrong with a relationship (romantic or otherwise). It really turns my world upside down. I guess it's when the opposite personality comes out of me. It confuses the hell out of me. For the most part, this doesn't last terribly long. There are times when I have trouble with it.
 

SilkRoad

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Thanks to all for your comments on this, btw. A lot of them were really helpful. And I trust that most of you who suffer from a similar problem will be able to improve on it too. :) I am really trying to work on this right now, it is very difficult as I have recently landed in one of these situations but I am trying hard. I've heard it said that negative thinking can be as hard to break away from as many addictions - so I can't just sit tight and hope that my feelings will change without doing anything about it!

Here's to not letting other people's view of us govern how we perceive ourselves. Not too much, anyway. :)
 

KLessard

Aspiring Troens Ridder
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Apr 25, 2008
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Thanks to all for your comments on this, btw. A lot of them were really helpful. And I trust that most of you who suffer from a similar problem will be able to improve on it too. :) I am really trying to work on this right now, it is very difficult as I have recently landed in one of these situations but I am trying hard. I've heard it said that negative thinking can be as hard to break away from as many addictions - so I can't just sit tight and hope that my feelings will change without doing anything about it!

Here's to not letting other people's view of us govern how we perceive ourselves. Not too much, anyway. :)

:hug:
I think it's not just a question of choosing not to let other people govern us (it is in part), but for me at least, it's a question of being honest about my own intentions and needs and admitting my errors without exaggeration or being able to look at myself and others objectively. Then to learn to forgive myself and not take myself so seriously. Learning to laugh at myself has been salutary to a certain extent.
I am also coming out of such a situation, but thank God, I am walking uphill now (I don't know what I would do without his grace).
 

SilkRoad

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:hug:
I think it's not just a question of choosing not to let other people govern us (it is in part), but for me at least, it's a question of being honest about my own intentions and needs and admitting my errors without exaggeration or being able to look at myself and others objectively. Then to learn to forgive myself and not take myself so seriously. Learning to laugh at myself has been salutary to a certain extent.
I am also coming out of such a situation, but thank God, I am walking uphill now (I don't know what I would do without his grace).

:hug:
Absolutely, you know something I find hard though? You mentioned "admitting my own errors", etc...I am far from perfect, but something I am generally able to do is admit my own errors. It's really hard when you're in a situation with someone where there is fault on both sides (as is usually the case), but you've been honest with the other person, admitted where you've gone wrong, apologised for it, etc...and they don't admit their own mistakes, they don't see the bigger picture, and make you feel like you're the big sinner in the situation (this was a situation where other people were indirectly involved too, and in a way it would be most fair to blame those people for precipitating the situation by their bad behaviour. The blame should have been shared out, in any case!).

One of my problem is that even if I've cleared my conscience, seen where I've gone wrong, tried to repair the damage, etc...if someone else is still blaming it on me and not admitting their own blame, I tend to take that on board, and think that I must in some way be really blameworthy, or they wouldn't be reacting to me that way. :cry: Even if part of me is aware that their reaction says more about them and their own issues than it does about me.

I'm working on that too, I guess...
 

KLessard

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:hug:
Absolutely, you know something I find hard though? You mentioned "admitting my own errors", etc...I am far from perfect, but something I am generally able to do is admit my own errors. It's really hard when you're in a situation with someone where there is fault on both sides (as is usually the case), but you've been honest with the other person, admitted where you've gone wrong, apologised for it, etc...and they don't admit their own mistakes, they don't see the bigger picture, and make you feel like you're the big sinner in the situation (this was a situation where other people were indirectly involved too, and in a way it would be most fair to blame those people for precipitating the situation by their bad behaviour. The blame should have been shared out, in any case!).

One of my problem is that even if I've cleared my conscience, seen where I've gone wrong, tried to repair the damage, etc...if someone else is still blaming it on me and not admitting their own blame, I tend to take that on board, and think that I must in some way be really blameworthy, or they wouldn't be reacting to me that way. :cry: Even if part of me is aware that their reaction says more about them and their own issues than it does about me.

I'm working on that too, I guess...

I know what you mean. Notice that I wrote "admit my errors without exaggeration" -exaggeration is often the problem, I do see myself as the BIG sinner and I'm not realistic about what it's really all about.

I am very compassionnate with you, I know it's hard, and I will pray things get sorted out for you. :hug:
 
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