[ENFJ] ENFJ relations

[bronson]

Hey guys,

I'm an ENFJ guy who found myself frustrated in highschool at times when surrounded by artisans, my best mate was an ISTP - exact opposite to me, and that presented some interesting differences, that have kind of gradually seen us drift; not that he'd notice coz he's not particularly socially attuned.

All my girlfriends bar one have been ESFP's, who i was originally attracted to for their confidence, and they enjoyed my sickening romanticism to an extent. But I've recognised a pattern in which I soon found them overbearing outwardly and yet really insecure underneath, particularly about their physical appearance.

Just wondering if anyone else has had similar social experiences? In highschool it was particularly hard to be the 'real me' simply because the more abstract concepts I was ready to explore weren't really socially acceptable, as in - no one cared. So I've long played the social chameleon, pretending to be, what I recognise now, as all sorts of personality types!

 

[TopherRed]

For starters, stick to dating INxx, and it'll be an autoimprovement over the ESFPs, and the ISFPs (which, btw, are our Sensor-bait--the ones we gravitate most towards). INFPs are the best...don't let anyone tell you differently, and if you find a bad one, don't think the whole gaggle of them are like that.

As far as nobody caring, the key I found was to look for things that others cared about that I enjoyed. Find a hobby and a community that suits you and build from there. It's every ENFJs secret dream to be social trendsetters, but this isn't acheived until much later in life, when we figure out how to bring people to us (and not the other way around).

Hope That Helps,
--Fuzzy

 

[OrangeAppled]

Well, you sound like all the ENFJ guys I know. Particularly the last paragraph. My advice is to find yourself an INFP girl (not that I have any bias towards them).

 

[bronson]

Yeh, its not like I didn't like those days, and without sounding arrogant, I think I was fairly socially adept and enjoyed having people all around, although I used to secretly believe myself to be a bit of a social el capitano, controlling everyone - probably true to some extent. But yeh the main problem was having to partially abandone that 'deeper' side of myself.

I had this one friend all the way through school, and she's an INFP, and we used to have the most awesome late night convo's online... but she is now engaged. And actually, now I think of it, the 3 girls who I was closest to in school, the 'sister' types, were all idealists, which is funny to reflect on now. However, sadly all the INFP's I know are already taken! But it's good advice, I've finally realised I need an INFP or J but they all just seem a little out of reach. Maybe one day I'll find her, haha.

But in regards to my best mates, all of them artisans... I seem to have been unable to find any other dudes who are idealists - an only one rational mate, who's good for a chat but bonding isnt on the agenda if you get me. And this has been a bit problematic for me coz I've been that guy whose always got heaps of girl--friends. Where are all the idealist lads?!

 

[OrangeAppled]

^ Most of my ENFJ guy friends have more close female friends than male friends...I wonder if that's why. NF men are quite rare in the population. What about NTs? Too geeky?

A lot of intuitives feel this way, by the way. I have some great SP friends, but there's something missing for me, intellectually.

 

[SpottingTrains]

You need to immerse yourself in an environment where the things you find interesting are discussed. Ex. University, Workshops, Clubs ect..

I was pretty much exactly how you describe yourself: being able to blend in and function but not express your your true form.

I will also echo Orange's advice about finding an INFP

 

[MmmCrazy]

Hey guys,

I'm an ENFJ guy who found myself frustrated in highschool at times when surrounded by artisans, my best mate was an ISTP - exact opposite to me, and that presented some interesting differences, that have kind of gradually seen us drift; not that he'd notice coz he's not particularly socially attuned.

All my girlfriends bar one have been ESFP's, who i was originally attracted to for their confidence, and they enjoyed my sickening romanticism to an extent. But I've recognised a pattern in which I soon found them overbearing outwardly and yet really insecure underneath, particularly about their physical appearance.

Just wondering if anyone else has had similar social experiences? In highschool it was particularly hard to be the 'real me' simply because the more abstract concepts I was ready to explore weren't really socially acceptable, as in - no one cared. So I've long played the social chameleon, pretending to be, what I recognise now, as all sorts of personality types!

Welcome to the forum, and can I just say you're my new favorite person? I'm planning to study abroad in Melbourne and I can't WAIT to get there! Australians are the coolest, fact.

That aside, I've never been attracted to xSFPs because I guess they're just not deep enough for me. I find myself meeting more and more ISTPs because they seem to like my sociability and "LET'S GO DO SOMETHING FUN!" attitude, and I like them because they're little zen masters. But I agree, it's hard to get close to them and stay close because they only really reveal themselves to one or two people and they like to move on.

I noticed as I entered my teen years that I play social chameleon and I was actually surprised when I recognized it in other people. It's a very ENFJ thing to do. It doesn't mean you have no identity, it just means you like to communicate with people on their level. It works very well for me and I've gotten a lot of friends because of it.

 

[Domino]

For the guys, an INFP girl seems to be one of the most optimal matches. I know a married ENFJ-INFP couple that have been together a long time (since high school) and deeply love each other even when the road is rocky. I like how she brings him back down to earth and admires his Fe-ness while having a cooling power over him. Having said that, I've had the odd INFP guy turn my head pretty hard on occasion.

I had an ISTP best friend and we were inseparable. I think ENFJ *girl* makes a really big difference in the ENFJ-ISTP dynamic. This gender-based reason attracts me toward T-functions because I need the cutting effect through my magma.

I've historically paired with ENTPs ridiculously well and I consider it to be an optimal one for me as I'm a minimal E at best and like a moderate E or I in men. IRL, we pull hard toward each other - it's a "power" pairing, but it tames me in a weird way and draws out a lot of physical affection from me when I'm normally reserved and contained. Too bad I don't know any ENTP girls. That would rock my face off.

Only one INTP pelt under my belt, so beyond friends and MARRIED guys, no further experience there. I don't know any INTP girls in real life either which really sucks as all the INTP girls I've met online are being primed for my harem as we speak. Tasty!

I've also had experience with ISTPs with high Ni, and that's not at all a bad pairing. They're the least afraid of me and seem to accept my eruptions as a part of nature without blinking.

There's pros and cons to each pairing.

BTW, Welcome to the ENFJ enclave.

 

[Thursday]

Well, you sound like all the ENFJ guys I know. Particularly the last paragraph. My advice is to find yourself an INFP girl (not that I have any bias towards them).

she has a very valid point

 

[bronson]

I'm too anal retentive for a P type... I'd drive her crazy haha. Nah, you guys are right though, and an INFP would be lovely! - now I just have to find her, right.

And in regards to this comment

I think ENFJ *girl* makes a really big difference in the ENFJ-ISTP dynamic. This gender-based reason attracts me toward T-functions because I need the cutting effect through my magma.

Definitely agree, because in my ENFJ-ISTP experience was with my best mate, a dude, and therefore it kind of positioned him as the carefree, wild risk-taker; the cliche Aussie macho. Whilst I guess I was the more sensative, thoughtful one, always thinking about the consequences etc. But we still got on great. Similar to what MmmCrazy said -

I find myself meeting more and more ISTPs because they seem to like my sociability and "LET'S GO DO SOMETHING FUN!" attitude, and I like them because they're little zen masters.

He clearly enjoyed my more extroverted social function, passively expanding his social circle hugely through me. And also my willingness to, yeah, get out and 'do something.' And he could always come up with the craziest, funnest (I know thats not a word) things for us to do.

 

[sunshinEnfp]

Hmm... don't count out the ENFPs, either!

I'm dating an ENFJ and my closest friends happen to be ENFJs and we get along so well! (I happen to be a SLIGHTLY extroverted ENFP, so maybe that helps?) But yes... maybe instead of ESFP, try the ENFP... for friendships and relationships. That might help...

 

[Southern Kross]

It can be tough when you don't click with a lot of people.

But hey, there's nothing wrong with friendships with people that are very different to you. It can be a great way to open up other sides of your personality. Have fun with it, you just have to acknowledge and accept that the relationship won't be a close one (as close friendships require a lot more common ground). Sometimes you just have to stop trying to make every friend into your best mate - you can enjoy a friendship even if its a more casual and shallow one. When I realized this, it really freed up my approach to friendship and I had a lot more fun socializing.