[ENFP] Helping an ENFP female get past rape...

[Dali]

Six weeks ago, my very close 20-something yr-old ENFP pal was verbally abused and then brutally raped by her bastard boyfriend. I found out through a close mutual friend, called her and insisted on her coming to my city for a while so she could mentally de-stress. She adamantly refuses to go to the authorities because she believes it was a one-time thing spawned by too much drink and "doesnt want to ruin his life".

She's a teacher but also writes quite a bit. Here's some of her recent writing (below):

"For the past few weeks, I have felt a strange absence of feeling. Each day resembles the next and no momentous rage, not even pain. Just cold cold night and day. I even forgot which day it was and the name of some characters. Somewhere under layers of soft chocolate, I know that something happened but somewhere on the surface there’s this imperious voice of reason digging the drill: ‘Keep going. Turn left, right, now stop the engine. Chase away the thoughts before they catch up with you. Face check: passed. Voice check: passed. Everything in order, now go out there and be your usual. I’m watching you.’

You’d think that everything would be turned upside down. Well no. There is only the most vast and glaring nothingness. Dreams are heavy, dark trances that diffuse through the night without leaving a trace"

She's all smiles and refuses to let me see her pain but, once in a while, she would let her guard down and I'd see the maelstrom of hurt and fear lying underneath and it hurts, it really hurts to see that. What should I do? How can I show her I'm there for her? How does one help a friend get over that most heinous violation? (Especially now that she's gone back to her city where the now ex-BF also lives.)

 

[INTP]

No idea other than confort her, maybe you could get her to brake down the barrier by showing how bad you feel for her and the facts that she doesent show her feelings and does nothing about the situation. Enyway you should go fuck that bastard in the ass with a knife.

 

[Dali]

No idea other than confort her, maybe you could get her to brake down the barrier by showing how bad you feel for her and the facts that she doesent show her feelings and does nothing about the situation.

I've tried to convince her in every way possible but she refuses to budge.

I've never felt so helpless.

I'm now concentrating on her well-being rather than making him pay.

Enyway you should go fuck that bastard in the ass with a knife.

I had a flight booked (really) but my ExFJ sister talked me out of it and tore the ticket up. That's when I called my pal and asked her to come over to the city where I live.

 

[Amargith]

Make her feel safe. Show her men aren't all scumbags. Hold her, if she lets you. Don't force her to talk but make sure you offer the option once a while. Watch a movie with her on the couch and cuddle, if she'll let you. Otherwise, a simple hand on the shoulder and a look says more than a thousand words. And give her time. A lot of time.

She's in defense/avoidance mode right now. You have to get her to drop the wall and stop running. The only way to do that is to offer a safe haven, security, a non-judging environment with no pressure where she can rest, can lick her wounds..where no one will expect anything from her. Even if you feel you aint getting anywhere with this approach, don't give up. You are helping her, she just needs time to break down the barrier. Don't expect a reaction. Just be patient.

 

[INTP]

I've tried to convince her in every way possible but she refuses to budge.

I've never felt so helpless.

I'm now concentrating on her well-being rather than making him pay.



I had a flight booked (really) but my ExFJ sister talked me out of it and tore the ticket up. That's when I called my pal and asked her to come over to the city where I live.

Did she really see clearly how you feel or did you just tell it to her? I think it makes a huge difference

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

It sounds a bit like she is in the denial stage of a grieving process, or something similar. Especially for people who are trying to be strong and get past something, I think it is important to let them open up on their timetable which could take a while. The best thing to do is stay in communication with her so you are available at whatever point she wants to open up, if that times comes. I think that sense of connection with zero pressure as a friend is a pretty good combination for someone who has faced something violating and painful.

 

[Dali]

Make her feel safe. Show her men aren't all scumbags. Hold her, if she lets you. Don't force her to talk but make sure you offer the option once a while. Watch a movie with her on the couch and cuddle, if she'll let you. Otherwise, a simple hand on the shoulder and a look says more than a thousand words. And give her time. A lot of time.

She's in defense/avoidance mode right now. You have to get her to drop the wall and stop running. The only way to do that is to offer a safe haven, security, a non-judging environment with no pressure where she can rest, can lick her wounds..where no one will expect anything from her. Even if you feel you aint getting anywhere with this approach, don't give up. You are helping her, she just needs time to break down the barrier. Don't expect a reaction. Just be patient.

The best thing to do is stay in communication with her so you are available at whatever point she wants to open up, if that times comes. I think that sense of connection with zero pressure as a friend is a pretty good combination for someone who has faced something violating and painful.

This is what I've been doing.

In the beginning, I'd try to cajole, convince and persuade her to bring him to account for what he'd done. I let her know I'd be there for her every step of the legal process and I was certain that this step would help the healing process. I stopped pushing it on her after a few days and I've been there for her in the way you mentioned.

I' was hoping to get some NFP insight on this and thank you for your responses.

Did she really see clearly how you feel or did you just tell it to her?

She is very much aware of how I feel and feels I'm her rock at the moment.

 

[Lady_X]

yeah...i don't know if she's also enneagram 7 but there's a tendency to withdraw completely and go numb...almost like an observer...you see people passing by...hear noises but nothing registers....even if she wanted to she might not be able to feel it.

she's strong though...let her get through it knowing you're there if she needs you.

 

[kyuuei]

Speaking from experience.. People don't always want to tell people when people want to hear it. They want to tell people then they're ready to. It might be too hard to face right now, and until she can heal enough to confront the situation, she may just need to settle down and take days one step at a time.

Making yourself available, and checking up frequently and being there for her would suffice if this is the case.

 

[Fecal McAngry]

Six weeks ago, my very close 20-something yr-old ENFP pal was verbally abused and then brutally raped by her bastard boyfriend. I found out through a close mutual friend, called her and insisted on her coming to my city for a while so she could mentally de-stress. She adamantly refuses to go to the authorities because she believes it was a one-time thing spawned by too much drink and "doesnt want to ruin his life".

She's a teacher but also writes quite a bit. Here's some of her recent writing (below):

"For the past few weeks, I have felt a strange absence of feeling. Each day resembles the next and no momentous rage, not even pain. Just cold cold night and day. I even forgot which day it was and the name of some characters. Somewhere under layers of soft chocolate, I know that something happened but somewhere on the surface there’s this imperious voice of reason digging the drill: ‘Keep going. Turn left, right, now stop the engine. Chase away the thoughts before they catch up with you. Face check: passed. Voice check: passed. Everything in order, now go out there and be your usual. I’m watching you.’

You’d think that everything would be turned upside down. Well no. There is only the most vast and glaring nothingness. Dreams are heavy, dark trances that diffuse through the night without leaving a trace"

She's all smiles and refuses to let me see her pain but, once in a while, she would let her guard down and I'd see the maelstrom of hurt and fear lying underneath and it hurts, it really hurts to see that. What should I do? How can I show her I'm there for her? How does one help a friend get over that most heinous violation? (Especially now that she's gone back to her city where the now ex-BF also lives.)

Please google her city + "rape crisis center"...

 

[paperoceans]

She needs to see a psychologist.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

In the beginning, I'd try to cajole, convince and persuade her to bring him to account for what he'd done. I let her know I'd be there for her every step of the legal process and I was certain that this step would help the healing process. I stopped pushing it on her after a few days and I've been there for her in the way you mentioned.

I' was hoping to get some NFP insight on this and thank you for your responses.

I've been thinking about this thread and a thought occurred to me. The core violation of rape is that feeling of powerlessness over an intimate aspect of oneself. It struck me how natural her reaction is. It makes sense to desire control over a personal response to such a violation. Her pain is deeply intimate, and to be able to suppress it and control it could give a feeling of regaining one's personhood. I wouldn't pressure her into talking about it, but help her feel in control of when and how she opens up as well as letting her feel in control.

 

[SillySapienne]

She needed help before the incident, I can assure you, and she needs help now.

Every fiber in my body is telling me that this girl has been severely abused long before she was grotesquely violated by her, *shudders at the mere thought*, boy"friend". I assure you he was not the first person to abuse her in her life, no sir.

It seems like she's not ready, able or willing to come out of the closet yet.

You can't force an epiphany on her, it will come, eventually...hopefully.

 

[Charmed Justice]

^Completely agree with the above.
Being there for her is the best of what you can do. Listen to her. Just let her talk when she feels the need.

 

[Serendipity]

Six weeks ago, my very close 20-something yr-old ENFP pal was verbally abused and then brutally raped by her bastard boyfriend. I found out through a close mutual friend, called her and insisted on her coming to my city for a while so she could mentally de-stress. She adamantly refuses to go to the authorities because she believes it was a one-time thing spawned by too much drink and "doesnt want to ruin his life".

She's a teacher but also writes quite a bit. Here's some of her recent writing (below):

"For the past few weeks, I have felt a strange absence of feeling. Each day resembles the next and no momentous rage, not even pain. Just cold cold night and day. I even forgot which day it was and the name of some characters. Somewhere under layers of soft chocolate, I know that something happened but somewhere on the surface there’s this imperious voice of reason digging the drill: ‘Keep going. Turn left, right, now stop the engine. Chase away the thoughts before they catch up with you. Face check: passed. Voice check: passed. Everything in order, now go out there and be your usual. I’m watching you.’

You’d think that everything would be turned upside down. Well no. There is only the most vast and glaring nothingness. Dreams are heavy, dark trances that diffuse through the night without leaving a trace"

She's all smiles and refuses to let me see her pain but, once in a while, she would let her guard down and I'd see the maelstrom of hurt and fear lying underneath and it hurts, it really hurts to see that. What should I do? How can I show her I'm there for her? How does one help a friend get over that most heinous violation? (Especially now that she's gone back to her city where the now ex-BF also lives.)

She needed help before the incident, I can assure you, and she needs help now.

Every fiber in my body is telling me that this girl has been severely abused long before she was grotesquely violated by her, *shudders at the mere thought*, boy"friend". I assure you he was not the first person to abuse her in her life, no sir.

It seems like she's not ready, able or willing to come out of the closet yet.

You can't force an epiphany on her, it will come, eventually...hopefully.

1+
Not much to add other than that is what I did. Waited for my own insight and rediscovery of the world. Can't force and shouldn't be forceful about it either.
But at the same time, don't forget it and don't ignore it. I know it's a thin line but some manage to walk it anyhow.

 

[Southern Kross]

That's really horrible. The poor thing.

From what I understand, the nothingness feeling is due to holding back the floodgates. Its difficult to hold back one emotional side (ie. the negative emotions) without holding back everything else. The only example I can think of is like a soldier coming back from war. A soldier is expected to hold back his emotions during battle situations, but does it for so long that when he get home he can't release them again. He doesn't feel sadness or fear but he also doesn't feel joy.

Like others said, its denial she can't escape from. She needs therapy, even if she chooses to do nothing about pressing charges.

Its difficult to give advice because I don't know if there's much you can do (and it seems like you've certainly tried). I guess its important to try to discourage her from belittling the problem and brushing it off. If you show her how seriously you take it, it might rub off on her. Maybe treat it matter of factly; like a physical wound that needs to be healed. This may help her to realize its something that can't be ignored or dismissed. It makes it logical: if you are injured, you go to the doctor, and just in the same sense, if you experience a traumatic event, you get councilling. There may be rape support foundations or groups nearby. Look into it and offer to go with her - I imagine its quite a hard thing to deal with alone. Be open about it with her because talking around the issue makes it seem like a taboo/embarassing/shameful subject - she's probably blaming herself already.

Like the others said, you may just have to wait until she's ready and be supportive in the mean time. Its tough to walk that thin line (as Gtzk said) between nagging her and ignoring the whole situation. Hang in there.

 

[Athenian200]

Get past it?!

People don't "get past" rape. She's scarred for life. She'll never forget this, never quite look at people the same way or trust them ever again. A part of her has died.

She'll survive as a shell of her former self, but that's all you can expect. There's a REASON why it's considered such a heinous crime. The psychological effects are PERMANENT.

Get past RAPE?! Seriously? Do you even know what you're saying?

I'm sorry, I know it's not your fault... but I really don't think you understand. This is like watching your parents die at someone else's hand while hearing them laugh and your parents scream would be, only 100x worse. In fact, it's probably worse than anything I can imagine... and I can imagine a whole lot.

 

[Serendipity]

Get past it?!

People don't "get past" rape. She's scarred for life. She'll never forget this, never quite look at people the same way or trust them ever again. A part of her has died.

She'll survive as a shell of her former self, but that's all you can expect. There's a REASON why it's considered such a heinous crime. The psychological effects are PERMANENT.

Get past RAPE?! Seriously? Do you even know what you're saying?

I'm sorry, I know it's not your fault... but I really don't think you understand. This is like watching your parents die at someone else's hand while hearing them laugh and your parents scream would be, only 100x worse. In fact, it's probably worse than anything I can imagine... and I can imagine a whole lot.

She'll learn to trust people again if she wants to trust people.
I did and do. More or less.

Depends on how you value "get past/over".
In my terms that's understanding the others motive and what led him to those actions, why I couldn't do anything about it and accepting that I still have a life that I want to keep. I also needed to understand that I cannot be a victim my entire life and that I had to do things to be able to live.

You do know that the "sympathy" given by your reply is quite negative?
If you reacted that way in front of me the next day, I'd walk to another room without a word and possibly never speak to you again.
If you said something like that now, I would love to hit you but it wouldn't render anything useful from doing so. Violence doesn't, usually.

Those views are amongst the reasons that it is hard to get over it.

If you are going to speak about something that you do not know by experience, especially in a matter like this, then please do not narrow your thinking in terms of implausability.

 

[the state i am in]

Fe sometimes gets corrupted when it imagines these kind of things and gets stuck/sees no way out. infjs proclaiming these things helps get them out of us, but that doesn't make them at all true. just ask kafka.

i agree that a psychologist would be helpful (how Te), but the main thing is to provide overwhelmingly positive support. Fi takes a while to clean itself out, but it can be done. there's obviously no perfect solution but to show you care and do your best. and get as much help in the process as you possibly can. experts help, but it is still often very difficult to find the right expert.

the desire for vengeance is hard to get over. emotional violence, corruption, pollution is a horrid thing.