[INFJ] How does an INFJ get to this sad point? :(

[SilkRoad]

I’m going to keep this fairly short…I have a friend who has tested INFJ, though I sometimes think she may be INFP/INFx. Certainly one of those.

She has had a rather difficult life all told, but I feel like she is making things so much more difficult for herself. She is very sensitive – I always thought I was, but she definitely trumps me (actually, for me a lot of things are water of a duck's back, with the occasional thing that hurts me out of all measure - other things don't bother me, or I keep them inside) – and it’s like most people just can’t win with her. I am more or less ok, because I am a trusted friend of a few years’ standing, but with most of our mutual friends and acquaintances at the moment, no such luck. If they leave her alone, they’re cold and uncaring and she’s all alone in the world. If they ask her how she’s doing, they’re prying into her life and she just wants to be left alone. I mean, seriously!!! :steam:

She sometimes tells me I can’t really understand because I haven’t gone through what she’s gone through in her life. Which is kind of true, but at least I try to understand. I think in my case she does appreciate that. But most people just can’t win with her… The fact that she is suffering from depression and bad health is not helping.

How does an INFJ get to this point? And how can I help her? Can I?

 

[ilovelurking]

Hi!

I was once that person. Frankly, it wasn't long ago.

What affected me the most was that the things I cherish the most went wrong. It's like...something I can't live without felt like it's being taken away from me.

I only told a few people about my challenges and I did tell the people who went to me and asked me what was bothering me to let me be.

I'm afraid your friend would only allow herself to pull her out of her own situation. That's what I did. But then again, there are many variations to an INFJ type so I don't know. The best thing you can do is just to be there and listen if she feels like ranting etc.

 

[Wyst]

How does an INFJ get to this point? And how can I help her? Can I?

Each INFJ will get to that point differently since each INFJ and their own circumstances are different. So there's no easy answer for how she got to that point.

Chances are it's been a lot of rejection, some kind of abuse, perhaps abandonment. Whatever the case is, it sounds like she doesn't trust those other friends you mentioned.

You absolutely CAN help her. Just be there for her. Many INFJs appreciate their close ones to be just that for them. Be close to her. You don't have to do anything or say anything. A quiet comforter is often a very healing presence and a salvific balm.

In time your friend might open up and talk. You mentioned your friends prying. Don't do that. I find one thing that helps me be more talkative or open (vulnerable) with others is when they are vulnerable with me - it's very much an enabling (in a good way) gesture.

I don't think you need to go on and on about stuff that's hard for you. Just communicate that you don't have all the answers to your own problems either and that on some level you can relate. I would be careful of saying anything like, 'I know how you feel' because no matter how similar your circumstances might actually be, you can't know how she feels so try not to minimize it by saying she's not the only one - it'll come across as 'normal, no big deal'.

 

[ilovelurking]

^ I agree with, Wyst!

 

[SilkRoad]

She is doing a bit better at the moment. It is kind of day by day, she is quite up and down. She has told me quite a lot about how she got to this point, actually. I think in a way I posted this thread out of frustration...I just hate to see her suffering.

I do try to be careful to not say "I know how you feel" or whatever because in a way I know I never quite will. I try instead to say "I think I understand up to a point, but I know your experience has been quite different/harder than mine" or something like that. And I know she does appreciate me being there for her. I just think she makes it harder on herself than she needs to sometimes. But it appears we're both INFJs and at least I have some understanding of how painful rejection, betrayal, letdowns etc have been. She has just reached a cumulative point where she is willing to trust very few people, I think.

I just wish I had the magic wand/pill/bullet to take away all her problems. She's a lovely person even when she is going through hard times so it's tough to see her like this.