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[ENFP] ENFP self-sabotage in relationships

sunshinEnfp

New member
Joined
Sep 30, 2009
Messages
48
MBTI Type
ENFP
So... I am currently dating a male ENFJ and I am an ENFP... (but I was very close to getting INFP). Anyway, everything's going REALLY well... we've been seeing each other for a few weeks and... it's really, really great.

But I guess I had a question of some of the ENFPs (and maybe INFPs, too) out there... do you self-sabotage your relationship if it's going too well?

I guess I'm asking this because (1) I'm curious and (2) I think part of me is starting to get super uncomfortable in a way because I'm not in control, because the thing between us is really good, but... I guess it's hard for me to be vulnerable; I have a few close friends and I let them in and they know me well, but it's taken a long time for them to know me as more than just the "happy-go-lucky ENFP" that everyone else sees. With this guy, right from the start, I have been so comfortable and have shared a lot and we just seem to get each other. But part of me also is ready to just shut off my feelings and just... self-sabotage in a way because I think I am afraid of getting hurt (even though there's been nothing to indicate that I will).

This is more of a curiosity thing than anything else and it's probably not limited to being an ENFP/INFP or anything. But... I was just wondering your thoughts!
 

LEGERdeMAIN

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Aug 16, 2009
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2,516
I'm not really in to committed relationships but, the few I have been in were great and then disastrous later on because I always felt trapped and I don't like other people trying to dictate my life. Also, I have a hard time being with only one person because most people are so incomplete that I can't really drain them of their lifejuice for any length of time.
 

nomadic

mountain surfing
Joined
Jul 15, 2008
Messages
1,709
MBTI Type
enfp
no

i don't really do that, but i guess its cus im not really scared of getting hurt

i just forget past relationships. like most of the time, completely

but i've gotten backups because of some girls recurring behaviors... but thats directly from what they did to me. not because of what someone did in the past.

but sometimes, i get backups just because im so used to getting backups... its weird.
 

allie bug

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Joined
Dec 30, 2007
Messages
37
MBTI Type
ENFP
no

but i've gotten backups because of some girls recurring behaviors... but thats directly from what they did to me. not because of what someone did in the past.

but sometimes, i get backups just because im so used to getting backups... its weird.
what do you mean by backups?
 

nomadic

mountain surfing
Joined
Jul 15, 2008
Messages
1,709
MBTI Type
enfp
what do you mean by backups?

the exact same way girls think of backups when looking for a new relationship to fall back on when you think the one you are in might end...
 

Lady_X

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Oct 27, 2008
Messages
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784
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sx/sp
if you're talking about the hard shell thing...i think i know what ya mean
 

Rachelinpa

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Aug 4, 2008
Messages
878
MBTI Type
ENFP
mmm yeah, definitely. my brain says run baby, run! i get backups too -- just to cushion the blow that i assume will come when the great relationship ends.
 

sunshinEnfp

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Sep 30, 2009
Messages
48
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ENFP
mmm yeah, definitely. my brain says run baby, run! i get backups too -- just to cushion the blow that i assume will come when the great relationship ends.

That's so interesting about the backups thing... because I kind of have a backup in my mind... I don't want to and I am really into this guy, but it's like... ahhhh... just in case, I need to be able (and ready) to move on...
 

Hazle Weatherfield

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Mar 5, 2009
Messages
62
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w4
I self-sabotage ALWAYS, but I think it is more based on attachment style than MBTI type, but I definitely see INFPs maybe being specifically susceptible to the various attachment styles in much stronger ways.

But to also counter the argument, I tend to fall deeply, not shy and distant like some wish to believe of INFPs, and that is a huge contributor towards me sabotaging a given relationship-if I feel I am falling too much, gaining too much insecure attachment, and I TRY and RUN, but my Fi works so god damn much that I feel way too guilty to just ditch someone like that. So I end up talking talking talking talking and figuring it out. Maybe that's why I ended up with a partner that really wasn't compatible for four and a half years. Sheesh. Need. Stop. Talking. Wine. Okay. Bed. Maybe.
 

ed111

New member
Joined
Sep 9, 2008
Messages
426
MBTI Type
INTJ
no

i don't really do that, but i guess its cus im not really scared of getting hurt

i just forget past relationships. like most of the time, completely

but i've gotten backups because of some girls recurring behaviors... but thats directly from what they did to me. not because of what someone did in the past.

but sometimes, i get backups just because im so used to getting backups... its weird.

Urghh.

Do enfps really need to be with someone that much that you have to have a BACK UP relationship in case the one you're in is in danger of ending?

Why not just focus on trying to fix the current relationship, and if it doesn't work out then become single.

Having a 'back up' means you're either not committed to the current relationship or stringing along another guy/girl.
 

sunshinEnfp

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Sep 30, 2009
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48
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ENFP
Okay, so I kind of just came to a revelation about this relationship and I thought I would share.

I was trying to figure out why I was being so negative about this when things are going so well! Like, really, really well... and I was also wondering why I wasn't doing the normal ENFP thing (or NF/idealist thing) to run away with the possibilities in my mind... and then I realized... I was doing the opposite! I was trying to stay grounded, trying to stay "realistic" and present to the relationship. I didn't want to daydream or idealize this guy, so I tried "grounding" techniques--but in trying to stay "grounded," I just started to do the opposite--meaning, I was running away with all the negative possibilities. "Well, it's possible that he doesn't feel this way about me because of this..." or "it's possible that it won't work out because of this, this, and this." I was really starting to get down and I was thinking, "Why am I doing this? Why do I feel like I am sabotaging this relationship? Why do I feel like it isn't going well even when it is?" And then I realized, in trying NOT to be an ENFP, I still was being an ENFP!!! Crazy!!!
 

LEGERdeMAIN

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Aug 16, 2009
Messages
2,516
Okay, so I kind of just came to a revelation about this relationship and I thought I would share.

I was trying to figure out why I was being so negative about this when things are going so well! Like, really, really well... and I was also wondering why I wasn't doing the normal ENFP thing (or NF/idealist thing) to run away with the possibilities in my mind... and then I realized... I was doing the opposite! I was trying to stay grounded, trying to stay "realistic" and present to the relationship. I didn't want to daydream or idealize this guy, so I tried "grounding" techniques--but in trying to stay "grounded," I just started to do the opposite--meaning, I was running away with all the negative possibilities. "Well, it's possible that he doesn't feel this way about me because of this..." or "it's possible that it won't work out because of this, this, and this." I was really starting to get down and I was thinking, "Why am I doing this? Why do I feel like I am sabotaging this relationship? Why do I feel like it isn't going well even when it is?" And then I realized, in trying NOT to be an ENFP, I still was being an ENFP!!! Crazy!!!

RELAX. You probably just need to learn how to take life one day at a time. or something. i don't know.
 

Lady_X

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Oct 27, 2008
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Okay, so I kind of just came to a revelation about this relationship and I thought I would share.

I was trying to figure out why I was being so negative about this when things are going so well! Like, really, really well... and I was also wondering why I wasn't doing the normal ENFP thing (or NF/idealist thing) to run away with the possibilities in my mind... and then I realized... I was doing the opposite! I was trying to stay grounded, trying to stay "realistic" and present to the relationship. I didn't want to daydream or idealize this guy, so I tried "grounding" techniques--but in trying to stay "grounded," I just started to do the opposite--meaning, I was running away with all the negative possibilities. "Well, it's possible that he doesn't feel this way about me because of this..." or "it's possible that it won't work out because of this, this, and this." I was really starting to get down and I was thinking, "Why am I doing this? Why do I feel like I am sabotaging this relationship? Why do I feel like it isn't going well even when it is?" And then I realized, in trying NOT to be an ENFP, I still was being an ENFP!!! Crazy!!!

yeah...ughh...bizarre right? you must be crazy about her and just trying to protect yourself in case...just let go... :hug:
 

sunshinEnfp

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Joined
Sep 30, 2009
Messages
48
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ENFP
yeah...ughh...bizarre right? you must be crazy about her and just trying to protect yourself in case...just let go... :hug:

(Just a little FYU, the ENFJ is male and I--the ENFP--am female. :))

Anyway, thanks... I think that's what it is... I think I am just starting to fall pretty hard for this guy. I think I like him so much that I was trying not to do the ENFP-typical thing of living in all of the idealistic possibilities with him (resulting in me eventually being bored--possibly--with the real thing, you know?). I was trying to live in concrete information and be more present in the moment, rather than being so future-oriented. But I think I went so far to the other extreme that instead of being "rational" or "realistic" (which is what I thought I was being), I was actually starting to live in the negative possibilities, assuming that these were more likely to happen, and ultimately think it wasn't going to work out (even though everything's been going so well)!

Whew, that's a lot of stuff going on in my head. Basically, I am going to follow your advice and just let go... and stop trying to protect myself from getting hurt because I'll just end up sabotaging myself that way. I'm just going to let this happen and hope for the best!

But anyway, I'm glad I figured out why I felt so pessimistic about this blossoming relationship and not as excited... I was almost sad, in a way... and I didn't get it. Not sure if any of you watch "Sex and the City," but there's an episode called "Drama Queens" where Carrie is dating Aidan. She can't figure out what's wrong, but she feels like something is. Then she realizes: what's wrong is that there's nothing wrong, she's just looking for something to be wrong. Story of my life. :)
 

Lady_X

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Oct 27, 2008
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ENFP
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sx/sp
yeah...ne gets bored with things that are perfect... with nothing to improve on... so you imagine all the possible issues and how to fix those...or how you'll get over it when it doesn't work....ne needs to sthu...be happy :hug:
 
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