[MBTI General] Bloody INFPs and their capacity to turn INTJs into fuzzy hug addicts.

[Cranky]

If you're an icy bitch, he probably did what I do. I use my cuddly sex charms to lure in icy bitches and give them what they deserve. because I'm satan or something.

Ok, heart broken, but the hormones are working just fine.

REALLY???

Treat me like a VERY BAD ANGEL

Please?

 

[Biaxident]

 

[Cranky]

Is there ANY way to know what I did wrong? If I knew that, I would feel so much better. Now, I'm just scared that I'm going to make the same mistakes over and over again.

All I really need to know is that I just wasn't the person for him. I could accept that. Instead, I keep wondering what mistakes I made or how I could have changed my actions to not scare him, or whatever.

Sad and tired. I suppose this sort of thing is supposed to go in cycles, right?

 

[nonsequitur]

Is there ANY way to know what I did wrong? If I knew that, I would feel so much better. Now, I'm just scared that I'm going to make the same mistakes over and over again.

All I really need to know is that I just wasn't the person for him. I could accept that. Instead, I keep wondering what mistakes I made or how I could have changed my actions to not scare him, or whatever.

Sad and tired. I suppose this sort of thing is supposed to go in cycles, right?

Nope. Chances are that you were being yourself, you didn't do anything wrong. If you were to change the way that you reacted, you wouldn't have been being yourself, which is dishonest. Also, different people react in different ways. You can't assume that someone else won't do the same thing even if you act differently, and the only way to get something worth having is through honesty.

The thing about life is that you don't know that you're not the right person for someone else till you've already moved on. So you can only know that in hindsight, not while you're grieving for the loss of possibility right now. You're still too close to what's happened.

It does. I still hold by what I said earlier - find a distraction to help you through the extreme lows.

 

[Bubbles]

INFPs belong with ISxJs, not INTJs, IMO. The Si keeps them on the straight and narrow, and the Ne helps the SJ open up.

SJs, I love you all, but...after my ISFJ friend and mom...and imagining that interaction romantically...and the arguments that just FRIENDSHIP spawned...

Hell to the no for me, Athenian. Try again.

 

[Two Point Two]

Is there ANY way to know what I did wrong? If I knew that, I would feel so much better. Now, I'm just scared that I'm going to make the same mistakes over and over again.

All I really need to know is that I just wasn't the person for him. I could accept that. Instead, I keep wondering what mistakes I made or how I could have changed my actions to not scare him, or whatever.

Sad and tired. I suppose this sort of thing is supposed to go in cycles, right?

I haven't read the whole thread, but this is generally not a very helpful way to think about things. Unless you have a track record of every relationship going south in the same way, it's probably ok to assume at this stage that this was just a matter of people and things not working out, and that there's no underlying mistake that you made to cause it.

And, sympathy. Have some.

 

[Biaxident]

Is there ANY way to know what I did wrong? If I knew that, I would feel so much better. Now, I'm just scared that I'm going to make the same mistakes over and over again.

All I really need to know is that I just wasn't the person for him. I could accept that. Instead, I keep wondering what mistakes I made or how I could have changed my actions to not scare him, or whatever.

Sad and tired. I suppose this sort of thing is supposed to go in cycles, right?

You know, it's possible you didn't do anything wrong. You were just being yourself, and he wasn't communicating any issues he may have had.

Also, from what I have read, you tried anything and everything to make him happy, at your own expense. Despite what some people think. you don't need to be slavishly obedient to every whim, and errant thought, that runs through your significant others head. I know it would drive me nuts to have someone falling all over themselves trying to make me happy. Sometimes you need to do what you want, at the expense of not being there when he gets a desire to do something he is perfectly capable of taking care of himself.

 

[JivinJeffJones]

I hesitate to ask this of an INTJ, but is it possible you came across as clingy and/or needy? INFPs can feel very easily suffocated, and run a mile. If you chase them, they'll run 4. If you corner them, they'll give you both barrels. I guess that's a pretty typical guy thing, but I don't think people expect it of INFPs. But an INFP with unrealistic spousal dreams and a pathological desire to keep options open is at least as likely to have commitment issues as anyone else. If your manifested personality changed dramatically from what he was initially attracted to then that could've started the rot.

Not excusing him at all.

 

[The Outsider]

You were discussing mother issues a few pages back. I am a male infp and I've never had mother issues. She's a healthy, lovely ISFJ.

 

[Cranky]

You know, it's possible you didn't do anything wrong. You were just being yourself, and he wasn't communicating any issues he may have had.

Also, from what I have read, you tried anything and everything to make him happy, at your own expense. Despite what some people think. you don't need to be slavishly obedient to every whim, and errant thought, that runs through your significant others head. I know it would drive me nuts to have someone falling all over themselves trying to make me happy. Sometimes you need to do what you want, at the expense of not being there when he gets a desire to do something he is perfectly capable of taking care of himself.

Hmm. I think it's possible that my visible personality shifted. I wasn't so much slavishly attempting to fulfill his every whim, as I was desperately trying to figure out what WORKED to make him smile.

I don't think I was clingy; I probably came off as confused, though. I hadn't ever experienced this set of feelings, and I certainly am capable of doing TOO much when I don't know what to do.

In the end, though, there's plenty of blame to go around. HE should have had the character to do what is right, and to tell me that it wasn't going to work. I think I treated him with courtesy and respect, and I don't believe I got the same back from him. While I would have forgiven him and worked with him to find a way for us to get along with both parties feeling respected and free, I think he simply didn't have the feelings necessary to make him want to try.

If there is any quality I need in a man, it is the capacity to do what's right, regardless of the cost to oneself in inconvenience or personal lack of desire to see conflict. I need to see that, and I believed he possessed it; I just didn't see any of that character when I needed him to display it.

 

[Biaxident]

Hmm. I think it's possible that my visible personality shifted. I wasn't so much slavishly attempting to fulfill his every whim, as I was desperately trying to figure out what WORKED to make him smile.

I don't think I was clingy; I probably came off as confused, though. I hadn't ever experienced this set of feelings, and I certainly am capable of doing TOO much when I don't know what to do.

In the end, though, there's plenty of blame to go around. HE should have had the character to do what is right, and to tell me that it wasn't going to work. I think I treated him with courtesy and respect, and I don't believe I got the same back from him. While I would have forgiven him and worked with him to find a way for us to get along with both parties feeling respected and free, I think he simply didn't have the feelings necessary to make him want to try.

If there is any quality I need in a man, it is the capacity to do what's right, regardless of the cost to oneself in inconvenience or personal lack of desire to see conflict. I need to see that, and I believed he possessed it; I just didn't see any of that character when I needed him to display it.

I understand.

Off to the coal mines for me.

 

[Uytuun]

If your manifested personality changed dramatically from what he was initially attracted to then that could've started the rot.

Yeah, the contrast is huge (it necessarily is for any INT in LOVE) and apparently frightens off a lot of people. The only time this dynamic wasn't in play for me was with a fellow INTJ. A lot of the others were indeed NFP.

I've done the experiment (without realising it at first), they like your (standoffish) personality, you spend some romantic time together

a) --> you don't initiate contact...they do after a while and seem to fall harder...until...
b) --> you show them how you feel, initiate contact and are enthusiastic...then it fizzles out...they're done with you

If you go straight to b), it just doesn't take as long. I suppose it's somehow logical, but it's also very frustrating and I really don't want anyone that only wants me when I pretend not to want them and rather deals with the superficial stereotype they have in their head than with the whole of me. Almost every time I show attachment, affection and interest, they lose attachment, affection and interest. WTF. It's not exactly encouraging.

Playing hard to get and all the powerpolitics. :thumbsdown:

 

[runvardh]

Mine was more lack of maturity and understanding. I'd very nearly kill to get that chance again and hold on, this time, when the roller coster starts instead of jumping off (and hitting a very heavy beam on the way out ).

 

[Edgar]

Playing hard to get and all the powerpolitics. :thumbsdown:

I understand the value of the "dating games" in a sense of using it as a social filter.
But a lot of people take that shit to a whole different level and waste everyone's time in the process.

(Did that sound a bit too INTJ?)

 

[runvardh]

I understand the value of the "dating games" in a sense of using it as a social filter.
But a lot of people take that shit to a whole different level and waste everyone's time in the process.

(Did that sound a bit too INTJ?)

No, just reasonable. Then again, I'm a freak...

 

[JivinJeffJones]

Yeah, the contrast is huge (it necessarily is for any INT in LOVE) and apparently frightens off a lot of people. The only time this dynamic wasn't in play for me was with a fellow INTJ. A lot of the others were indeed NFP.

I've done the experiment (without realising it at first), they like your (standoffish) personality, you spend some romantic time together

a) --> you don't initiate contact...they do after a while and seem to fall harder...until...
b) --> you show them how you feel, initiate contact and are enthusiastic...then it fizzles out...they're done with you

If you go straight to b), it just doesn't take as long. I suppose it's somehow logical, but it's also very frustrating and I really don't want anyone that only wants me when I pretend not to want them and rather deals with the superficial stereotype they have in their head than with the whole of me. Almost every time I show attachment, affection and interest, they lose attachment, affection and interest. WTF. It's not exactly encouraging.

Playing hard to get and all the powerpolitics. :thumbsdown:

If it's any consolation, when robotic companions become widely available and reasonably inconspicuous all evidence points to INFPs ceasing to reproduce.

 

[LEGERdeMAIN]

Ok, heart broken, but the hormones are working just fine.

REALLY???

Treat me like a VERY BAD ANGEL

Please?

bad angel? do you have the costume?

 

[Cranky]

bad angel? do you have the costume?

I do costuming, so I'm thinking it would be pretty easy.

 

[Cranky]

I understand.

Off to the coal mines for me.

What do you mean, coal mines?

 

[Biaxident]

What do you mean, coal mines?

I was waxing lyrical...

It sounds much better than "I'm going to work now".

Of course I could have said, "I'm going to work to get the evil eye and nasty comments from policy holder's". But that was too long, and not very mysterious.

Possibly, I could have said "I'm going to go earn some money so I can buy a case of beer, and chips, for the weekend..."