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[INFJ] To Other Types: How does it feel when an INFJ gives you the (super) cold shoulder?

fill

"Everything in its place"
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Jun 28, 2009
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In many cases, I'll stumble across problems in my relations with people, and I'm usually the one to find it in me to let go of 'bad' things that have happened.

However, I've found that I'll simply let go of people I deem as harmful to my being and completely avoid/ignore them and everything/everyone associated with them.

So, I guess my question to those who have had an INFJ do this to them (if it's an INFJ thing at all): What does it feel like when somebody completely removes themselves from your life?
 

Matthew_Z

That chalkboard guy
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From my experience, they're really bad at the approach. INFJs can't pretend to not care.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
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But Matthew Z, there is a point when at the very end of our string, having exhausted all possibilities and all hope and when the other person has acted in a particular way that the door slams on them. Not even in an angry, emotion filled way. Just a click and a forever locked door.

However, it takes a considerable time to get to that point (or severity of bad behaviour). We aren't that great at tough love because we often look for reasons why people may have behaved as they did, underlying messages, or are looking to confirm that our perceptions are indeed accurate before just quitting on a person. I think we are aware of it when we are being taken advantage of and do allow it if we feel there is something still to be figured out, but it's not because we don't know the difference.
 

Kyi

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I'm pretty sure my ex boyfriend is an INFJ. When we broke up, all he told me that he felt that our relationship was unhealthy, without ever giving me much of a reason why. He had also NEVER told me how he felt during our relationship, so there was no way of me ever being able to know what was wrong and try to fix it, because I would have been more than willing to do so. We had such a keen understanding of each other, but at the same time, I guess I mistook that understanding for sensitivity, because this bastard was completely insensitive to me and my feelings.

When we broke up, he pretty much unfriended me on Myspace/Facebook, blocked me, and deleted every single post and picture of us. I just thought it was the coldest thing ever. He shut me out with no warning, and didn't even give me a chance to do anything. It was completely unexpected. I'm still trying to recover from that, but I'll tell you now, that it feels pretty awful. I so desperately wanted to please him and make sure everything was okay, and had I known everything was not, I would have tried to fix it. You just feel crushed and unprepared and totally baffled, because you're not sure what the hell happened.

So you INJFs... try to be more sensitive!! You don't realize how badly you can hurt someone, especially someone as sensitive as an ENFP.
 

firstjudge

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I'm definitely guilty of doing this. I do it mostly out of self-defense - people can be so aggressive and controlling at times without even realizing it. I have a tendency to get overwhelmed by people who keep expecting and wanting something from you, something you can't or no longer wish to offer. The harder they try, the more I pull away. If someone is having negative effects on my state of mind, or is trying to take away my independence (whether intentionally or not), then I have to put an end to it.

It's nothing personal, though I understand it's often taken that way.
 

Kyi

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That makes so much sense. Thats pretty much the way he put it when I finally got a chance to speak to him. But to me, I still found it difficult to accept. I didn't see how I was being a burden to him because he never told me. But he did say he felt that he felt like we were bringing each other down. He didn't seem at all affected by the break up, and left it really easily, probably the opposite of how an ENFP would feel. I wonder why it is that they're the ideal mates. I mean, if I dated another INFJ, and he pulls something like this, I swear I'm going to go ballistic.
 

Skyward

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That makes so much sense. Thats pretty much the way he put it when I finally got a chance to speak to him. But to me, I still found it difficult to accept. I didn't see how I was being a burden to him because he never told me. But he did say he felt that he felt like we were bringing each other down. He didn't seem at all affected by the break up, and left it really easily, probably the opposite of how an ENFP would feel. I wonder why it is that they're the ideal mates. I mean, if I dated another INFJ, and he pulls something like this, I swear I'm going to go ballistic.

We INFJs are great at making it seem like it doesnt faze us, even if its a kidneyshot to the emotions. But anyways, communication is a major thing in relationships. All you need to do is find a less I INFJ (And the fact he wasn't communicating the problems was also a red flag in the relationship)
 

Requeim

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I'm pretty sure my ex boyfriend is an INFJ. When we broke up, all he told me that he felt that our relationship was unhealthy, without ever giving me much of a reason why. He had also NEVER told me how he felt during our relationship, so there was no way of me ever being able to know what was wrong and try to fix it, because I would have been more than willing to do so. We had such a keen understanding of each other, but at the same time, I guess I mistook that understanding for sensitivity, because this bastard was completely insensitive to me and my feelings.

When we broke up, he pretty much unfriended me on Myspace/Facebook, blocked me, and deleted every single post and picture of us. I just thought it was the coldest thing ever. He shut me out with no warning, and didn't even give me a chance to do anything. It was completely unexpected. I'm still trying to recover from that, but I'll tell you now, that it feels pretty awful. I so desperately wanted to please him and make sure everything was okay, and had I known everything was not, I would have tried to fix it. You just feel crushed and unprepared and totally baffled, because you're not sure what the hell happened.

So you INJFs... try to be more sensitive!! You don't realize how badly you can hurt someone, especially someone as sensitive as an ENFP.

doesn't seem like an infj
 

notsweetynice

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Hmmm, I just had a terrible nightmare last night regarding my ex bestfriend and ex boyfriend who both gave me the 'super cold' shoulder years ago...So why is this stuff still in my subconscious? Probably because it is so traumatizing, that's why.

Anyhow, she was probably an INFP and he was probably an ENTP...I also had an ENFP boyfriend do the same thing...So I haven't seen much of a type correlation to this behavior in my personal experience. I do think it is a very callous way to act that shows that a person is very immature and selfish.

I really dislike it when people seem to think it is a sign of strength or coolness that they are able to just give people the cold shoulder to protect their sensitivity. The fact of the matter is that they are actually the insensitive ones. It's one thing if the person that they are giving the cold shoulder to is really and truly terrible. In that case it is justifiable. Otherwise it's just not cool just as lying and abusing is uncool.
 

BerberElla

12 and a half weeks
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Sep 25, 2008
Messages
2,725
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But Matthew Z, there is a point when at the very end of our string, having exhausted all possibilities and all hope and when the other person has acted in a particular way that the door slams on them. Not even in an angry, emotion filled way. Just a click and a forever locked door.

However, it takes a considerable time to get to that point (or severity of bad behaviour). We aren't that great at tough love because we often look for reasons why people may have behaved as they did, underlying messages, or are looking to confirm that our perceptions are indeed accurate before just quitting on a person. I think we are aware of it when we are being taken advantage of and do allow it if we feel there is something still to be figured out, but it's not because we don't know the difference.

As an INFJ, do you find it harder to give the super cold shoulder to family members?

I know an INFJ who would benefit massively from excluding his brothers from his life, but at the age of 50 he still hasn't done it and it is still a source of great distress for him.
 

Kasper

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*shrug* I'd move on pretty quickly, I gotta be honest here, I really doubt I'd notice in the first place unless the door slammer explained they were slamming the door, at that time I'd usually stop caring. If they wanted to unslam later that's cool too, do your thang.
 

Neutralpov

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Jun 29, 2009
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Ditto!

I'm definitely guilty of doing this. I do it mostly out of self-defense - people can be so aggressive and controlling at times without even realizing it. I have a tendency to get overwhelmed by people who keep expecting and wanting something from you, something you can't or no longer wish to offer. The harder they try, the more I pull away. If someone is having negative effects on my state of mind, or is trying to take away my independence (whether intentionally or not), then I have to put an end to it.

It's nothing personal, though I understand it's often taken that way.

Oh my gosh yes I am giulty of this too. I am an ENFJ so I have the same top two functions as INFJ so maybe that is the similarity.

I do it because the person was a drain and I can't be sucked dry by them. I also resent them and pull away because in conflicting situations is my weak point and I become emotional/reactive. That means if you hit the hot point or act in the way that is the problem I will not be the composed and appropriate loving person and I cannot have that happen. Self-preservation and I don't like the me I become when I have had bad boundaries or unreturned relationships. I cut them off because I want to like myself and I don't trust the other person anymore.

And for me it was with an INFP where this was worst. They can't handle the shut off, maybe it is the FP?

Feedback please? Cause this is something that I think I need to work on but when I get to the end I put myself first = (after always putting others first all the time) and it is too late so I am trying to be aware sooner but I cannot seem to make myself aware somehow?
 

firstjudge

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Oh my gosh yes I am giulty of this too. I am an ENFJ so I have the same top two functions as INFJ so maybe that is the similarity.

I do it because the person was a drain and I can't be sucked dry by them. I also resent them and pull away because in conflicting situations is my weak point and I become emotional/reactive. That means if you hit the hot point or act in the way that is the problem I will not be the composed and appropriate loving person and I cannot have that happen. Self-preservation and I don't like the me I become when I have had bad boundaries or unreturned relationships. I cut them off because I want to like myself and I don't trust the other person anymore.

And for me it was with an INFP where this was worst. They can't handle the shut off, maybe it is the FP?

Feedback please? Cause this is something that I think I need to work on but when I get to the end I put myself first = (after always putting others first all the time) and it is too late so I am trying to be aware sooner but I cannot seem to make myself aware somehow?

I don't think there is anything wrong with acts of self-preservation. All living creatures switch to survival mode in the face of danger - we're no different. The tough part is, of course, hurting those affected by this behavior. It may seem sudden to them, but for me it never is. The decision to door slam is usually the result of careful consideration. I do it because I need to, not because I want to. I believe, at least I hope, that the decision is for the best for all parties, even if some hurt feelings may result from it. Sometimes people just need to move on with their life and start anew.

With that said, however, I think doorslamming too often is definitely unhealthy. I used to do a lot when I was younger as a way to avoid confronting people to work things out. I've lost many friends this way. My depression and anxiety - both of which have been with me for as long as I can remember - also contributed to my tendency to shrink away. Sometimes I still think about the people I've cut off in the past and feel a sense of longing and unresolve...
 

Silent Stars

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I've only done this to people who never want to talk to me again anyways, so I'm sure they didn't care one bit.
 

SerengetiBetty

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*shrug* I'd move on pretty quickly, I gotta be honest here, I really doubt I'd notice in the first place unless the door slammer explained they were slamming the door, at that time I'd usually stop caring. If they wanted to unslam later that's cool too, do your thang.

this. depending on how much time has passed between the slam/unslam i might not be on the other side
 

OrangeAppled

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Yeah, I do the INFP door slam on the rare occasion when it's necessary to extract harmful people from my life. Not sure if I've ever been on the receiving end of it. Generally, friendships have ended more gradually for me (died a natural death), or I was the one who cut contact.

My childhood best friend (ENFP) kind of cut me off when we got to our teens, but we had been slowly growing apart, and I was fed up with her also (she was engaging in drug use and other things I was not into). I don't remember going into any denial, but I felt a bit abandoned and resentful. I remember being more sad that I didn't find a close friend to replace her; it was less about losing her as an individual, since I had grown to dislike things about her anyway.

Funny thing is, she invited me to her wedding years later and I went because my mom was friends with her mom and was going. It turned out that it meant a lot to her that I showed up, and yet, I showed up because she means nothing to me now.
 

entropie

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Only met one so far in my life. Maybe two if I include the people on this forum.

Besides that, how you think it feels ? Good ?
 

Z Buck McFate

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I do this myself. It gets to a certain point with someone where my patience runs out (like fidelia said, it takes a lot for that to happen). This part of Lenore Thompson’s INFJ description has always resonated with me, in regard to this tendency (though I’m not entirely certain it’s exactly what Thompson meant when she wrote it):

“Some INFJs work to develop their Extroverted Thinking function, attempting to bring order to their Intuitions, but they usually end up using their Judgment defensively- to assert their right to feel exactly what they’re feeling as they’re feeling it. Such types are quite articulate in their resistance to others’ analysis of them, but they’re also wounded by the criticism and may hesitate to reveal themselves again”

When I think about it, every time I have ‘shut the door’ on someone it’s invariably because it seems like I’m not allowed to feel what I’m actually feeling. I’m a reasonable person, and I’m careful about the extent to which my feelings might be an imposition on other people (which is something I think a lot of INFxs do without voicing the extent to which they do it, but anyway); when someone consistently takes that for granted and gets critical of the little bit of feeling that actually makes it through that screening process- I eventually lose patience with them. It’s too much work to spend effort justifying my feelings to someone who’s demonstrated an unwillingness to listen or to give me credit for only saying things I’ve thought about first.

I realize part of the problem is that anyone who doesn’t put their own feelings through that same screening process isn’t going to recognize it happening in someone else, because it isn’t familiar to them. I don’t think many people realize that if I’m actually saying something it means I’ve already reached my boiling point; whereas the other person is accustomed to saying something right away, when the ‘boiling point’ is a long way off. And if I’m close to someone, I’ll try explaining this- that I can’t stand saying something over and over, I need to be listened to the first couple times I complain. But there have been a couple of times that the other person just wasn’t willing or able to hear it.

The one aspect of this tendency that I really don’t like is: when that door shuts, it shuts for good. I haven’t been able to figure out how to open it again, to give the person another chance- even when I honestly want to.

As an INFJ, do you find it harder to give the super cold shoulder to family members?

I have no problem giving the super cold shoulder to family members, but I do have a really hard time writing off people who have been really good to me in the past. I'll put up with a lot of shit, probably too much, with someone who has made it to my A-list.
 

BlahBlahNounBlah

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*shrug* I'd move on pretty quickly, I gotta be honest here, I really doubt I'd notice in the first place unless the door slammer explained they were slamming the door, at that time I'd usually stop caring. If they wanted to unslam later that's cool too, do your thang.


This sums up my opinion well.


I'd rather have a doorslam than months of being put through the wringer. :coffee:
 
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