[INFJ] How does an INFJ show interest in someone?

[AutumnReverie]

Personally, I like things very subtle. I'd wait until you're somewhere very private, preferably at home. You can be watching a DVD or something together. Make sure you sit on the same sofa, or on the floor with blankets around you. If he likes you he will try to sit very close, and you can encourage him to do this by, well, not moving away or shifting too much (because he might take that as a sign that you are not comfortable). Cold weather is the perfect excuse for this . Then, when he's right next to you, stay like that for a while, and then you can lean softly on his shoulder. This will be taken as a sign that you're physically comfortable with him. And... well, let him make the next move...

That sounds perfect! He keeps mentioning movies that we need to rent and watch together, so another movie night definitely wouldn't be out of the question (I'm assuming). But, would it be bad for me to suggest the same activity twice in a row, since we just did the "rent a movie" thing this weekend? I don't want him to think that I'm a boring person who can't think of new activities to do every week.

Or maybe I can couple it with something else? Like go do something downtown (like grab dessert or something) then go back to my place afterwards and watch a movie?

Haha, if he's waiting for the 'right' moment to tell me then he's definitely taking his sweet time Or maybe, I'm just impatient

I'm really nervous. I'll do the hand hold thing, but as far as telling him that I like him...I wouldn't even know where to start. Knowing me, it'd probably go something like this:

Me: It's freezing outside. Is the temp. okay in here?
INFJ: Yeah, it's fine. Do you want more popcorn?
Me: Sure
[pause]
Me: So...um, I like you. I just thought I'd throw that out there...
INFJ: Uh huh...wait...what!?

Haha, I don't know how to not be abrupt and blunt about it. How do you go about integrating that into the conversation? Like what subject should I bring up to talk about that would naturally (non-awkwardly) lead to some sort of declaration of feelings? I have no experience with those kind of subjects, since I usually try to avoid talking about my feelings.

I'm suddenly feel a lot of respect for any guy who has ever told me that they liked me. It's definitely a lot harder than it looks .

When I'm with other people, especially with a group of people, I feel the need to keep them happy. He might have felt the same way. Since he's the one organizing the get-together, he might have felt it was his responsibility to make sure everyone was having a good time. This often results in INFJs appearing more extraverted (e.g. playful, joking, more energetic) than usual.

Also, he was probably trying to get to know you better and deeper by asking you questions about psychology. This is a very good sign! It means he really wants to understand who you are inside

[Re: the bolded part] That's exactly how he was! Which is why I was taken back at first because usually, when he's with me, he doesn't appear to be as uninhibited/energetic/extraverted.

 

[sgtmac_46]

One INFJ I dated, I remember how it started. She had locked herself out of her apartment and came down to see if she could use the phone. I had never met her before, but it was instant chemistry.

It was the eye contact that let me know. She smiled and looked me in the eye, while she talked nervously. I smiled back and she looked down for just moment and immediately made eye contact again. I remember after she used the phone, I walked her back out front and she walked back to her apartment, and almost fell over something trying to talk to me while walking away.

Later I found out she was a friend of a friend........I saw her at a friends house and told her she should take me out to dinner and a movie. I told her I liked Italian. Just let me know when she was picking me up.

We dated for a while.

 

[d@v3]

Okay well.. I just said it to a girl (ISFJ), literally 2 minutes ago...

I said to her "So I guess I was just trying to invite you somewhere because I think you are a really nice girl and I would like to get to know you a bit more. "

It sounds all innocent, but it should be enough of a hint to him to understand your true intentions.

 

[21%]

Or maybe I can couple it with something else? Like go do something downtown (like grab dessert or something) then go back to my place afterwards and watch a movie?

That sounds great! Cookies and cuddles!

Haha, I don't know how to not be abrupt and blunt about it. How do you go about integrating that into the conversation? Like what subject should I bring up to talk about that would naturally (non-awkwardly) lead to some sort of declaration of feelings? I have no experience with those kind of subjects, since I usually try to avoid talking about my feelings.

I think it works after a short semi-awkward moment of silence.

You: Good movie.
INFJ: Yeah.
(awkward silence)
You: You know...

Then you turn to him, look him in the eyes, smile, and say that you really enjoy spending time with him, and how you've come to realize that you like him more than just a friend. If he appears too shocked and stays quiet, you can keep rambling on about how you'd totally understand if he does not return your feeling, and that you'd still want to be friends because you appreciate him as a person, to which he will immediately deny not having feelings for you too. However, this most likely won't happen, because once you tell him how you feel, will be impossible for him, as an NF, not to share his

 

[AutumnReverie]

Okay, (emergency ) quick question!

So, the INFJ called me up on Monday night (he had missed my call on Sunday, then sent me an apologetic text on Monday afternoon about how he had his phone on silent while studying and how he was really sorry, then called me up that night).

Anyways, I told him that I had called because I saw that a movie that he (and his friends) had been mentioning, is finally in theaters nearby and I wanted to let him know. He excitedly said that he noticed that too and that he and his friends wanted to see it this week. He then asked if I would want to come too. I told him that it depended on the time...but sure, and told him to let me know when they decide to go. He said he would.

WELL...I was just thinking about possibly texting him or calling him tonight and asking about when they were going (since one date he proposed was Thursday). But, just now, I went onto Facebook and his status says that he's excited about going to see the movie tomorrow. And now I don't know whether I should even call/ask/mention it. He obviously made plans to see it and hasn't notified me about it yet (unless he's waiting to do it the day of -- tomorrow -- but that's a little last minute ). I don't want to indirectly invite myself if he actually doesn't want me to go...

What do you think I should do? Not ask him about it and possibly (probably) miss the movie. Or go ahead and ask him, like I was initially going to do before I went on FB, but possibly put myself in the awkward situation (i.e. inviting myself, when maybe he doesn't want me to go). Perhaps he just forgot about me, or about inviting me along, but if that's the case...then he probably doesn't really want me to go that badly anyways

I said to her "So I guess I was just trying to invite you somewhere because I think you are a really nice girl and I would like to get to know you a bit more. "

It sounds all innocent, but it should be enough of a hint to him to understand your true intentions.

Thanks, d@v3! By the way, I'm really proud of you. I know that it took a lot of courage for you to say that, especially after what happened last time.

 

[Wyst]

Okay, (emergency ) quick question!

So, the INFJ called me up on Monday night (he had missed my call on Sunday, then sent me an apologetic text on Monday afternoon about how he had his phone on silent while studying and how he was really sorry, then called me up that night).

Anyways, I told him that I had called because I saw that a movie that he (and his friends) had been mentioning, is finally in theaters nearby and I wanted to let him know. He excitedly said that he noticed that too and that he and his friends wanted to see it this week. He then asked if I would want to come too. I told him that it depended on the time...but sure, and told him to let me know when they decide to go. He said he would.

WELL...I was just thinking about possibly texting him or calling him tonight and asking about when they were going (since one date he proposed was Thursday). But, just now, I went onto Facebook and his status says that he's excited about going to see the movie tomorrow. And now I don't know whether I should even call/ask/mention it. He obviously made plans to see it and hasn't notified me about it yet (unless he's waiting to do it the day of -- tomorrow -- but that's a little last minute ). I don't want to indirectly invite myself if he actually doesn't want me to go...

What do you think I should do? Not ask him about it and possibly (probably) miss the movie. Or go ahead and ask him, like I was initially going to do before I went on FB, but possibly put myself in the awkward situation (i.e. inviting myself, when maybe he doesn't want me to go).


Thanks, d@v3! By the way, I'm really proud of you. I know that it took a lot of courage for you to say that, especially after what happened last time.

Hmmm he doesn't have a very strong J if he's missing details like that. Are you sure he's an INFJ?

 

[Synarch]

Ask him about it. Say, hey we talked about it. Is it still alright if I join you? If not, that's cool I just wanted to check in with you.

 

[Wyst]

Ask him about it. Say, hey we talked about it. Is it still alright if I join you? If not, that's cool I just wanted to check in with you.

Stop stalking me in all the threads I post in.

 

[AutumnReverie]

Hmmm he doesn't have a very strong J if he's missing details like that. Are you sure he's an INFJ?

I think so. When I first started talking to him, I typed him as a IxFJ (I'm really bad at typing N vs. S based on an initial meeting). But then, this past August he took the test and got INFJ. Based on his results though, he's borderline with the J/P (but tested on the side of J).

Ask him about it. Say, hey we talked about it. Is it still alright if I join you? If not, that's cool I just wanted to check in with you.

Thanks for responding! I think I'll say that. But I just honestly don't see him saying "no" if I ask about it, because he's a really nice guy and he obviously likes me in some capacity (friendship or otherwise). So I don't want to essentially invite myself like that. I only want to go if he wants me too. If not, then I'll just go see the movie some other time with my own friends.

 

[Wyst]

I'm really bad at typing N vs. S based on an initial meeting)

ME TOO!!! I suck at N vs. S.

You know, I can't speak for all INFJ guys out there but I, for one, am constantly worried about losing something I care about. If that's the case for your INFJ, he may be afraid to just go out and invite you. Even though you already talked about it. Even though he may want to.

INFJs are a roiling storm under a the very calm surface they try so hard to project and maintain.

 

[AutumnReverie]

So I called him, but he didn't answer. So I left a message asking him to call be back later, if he can.

Although, now that I think about it now...I'm still unsure as to whether or not I want to ask him about it. Mostly because my car is not with me right now (which he knows) so if I went, he'd have to pick me up (which is what he's been doing the last two weekends). It's one thing to kind of "invite yourself" but it's another to do that and ask for the person to pick you up. So yeah... I don't know if I can do that.

ME TOO!!! I suck at N vs. S.

Haha, yeah N vs. S is quite difficult (for me, at least). So usually just have people take the test rather than rely on my typing.

You know, I can't speak for all INFJ guys out there but I, for one, am constantly worried about losing something I care about. If that's the case for your INFJ, he may be afraid to just go out and invite you. Even though you already talked about it. Even though he may want to.

INFJs are a roiling storm under a the very calm surface they try so hard to project and maintain.

I hope that's the case! I'm not sure why he would still be afraid though, since I feel like I've been pretty clear that I like his company.

Now that I think about it, something similar to this happened last weekend too. He told me that him and some friends were going to a musical performance thing on Friday and asked if I wanted to go. I said that I'd think about it and let him know the next day. The next day, I called him and said I would go and he seemed very (happily) surprised that I even remembered. And I thought to myself, "Why wouldn't I remember? You just recently asked me if I wanted to go...and my memory is fantastic (see: ISTJ)" Now I'm think that if I wouldn't have called him up, he probably wouldn't have called me to ask if I was still interested since he assumed that I would forget about him or something.

WARNING: Frustrated ranting ahead. Proceed with caution or ignore.
EDIT: Ugh, I feel very frustrated right now. Not just about this situation since it's not that big of a deal (I recognize this), but about everything thus far. I just feel like I'm putting in all this effort and initiate things the majority of the time (once I do something, he'll be very attentive and start initiating things himself...but still, I have to start always) and I'm not getting any results. I still have no idea if he's interested in me (one day I think I know then the next I don't) and, at this point, I'm tired of trying to find out. So if he calls me back, I'm not even going to mention the movie. If he actually remembers that he invited me and wants to actually inform me of when they're going, then fine. If not, that's fine too. Then the next time I see him/we go out, I'm just going to flat-out ask him if he's interested in me and that will be that. I'm just so tired of all of this - I'm sorry, I guess I'm not used to these "feelings" and the stress that results from the uncertainty of everything.

If he likes me then I don't think it's too much to ask for him to "chase" me a little bit. Maybe he's secretly sitting in his room analyzing and over-analyzing and feeling frustrated as well, but I can't see that. In front of me he appears perfectly fine, like he probably wouldn't even notice if I didn't contact him for a week...but when I finally did he would probably be really happy about it. I don't understand. Everyone's been saying that he's been giving 'good signs' but what good are 'signs' with no result? This whole "trying to figure out someone else's feelings" thing is emotionally draining. Now I remember why I didn't do this in the past. =(

Actually I don't know if I'll even wait until we hang out again. Perhaps I should do it over the phone? Would that be the best way?

 

[souffle]

WARNING: Frustrated ranting ahead. Proceed with caution or ignore.
EDIT: Ugh, I feel very frustrated right now. Not just about this situation since it's not that big of a deal (I recognize this), but about everything thus far. I just feel like I'm putting in all this effort and initiate things the majority of the time (once I do something, he'll be very attentive and start initiating things himself...but still, I have to start always) and I'm not getting any results. I still have no idea if he's interested in me (one day I think I know then the next I don't) and, at this point, I'm tired of trying to find out. So if he calls me back, I'm not even going to mention the movie. If he actually remembers that he invited me and wants to actually inform me of when they're going, then fine. If not, that's fine too. Then the next time I see him/we go out, I'm just going to flat-out ask him if he's interested in me and that will be that. I'm just so tired of all of this - I'm sorry, I guess I'm not used to these "feelings" and the stress that results from the uncertainty of everything.

If he likes me then I don't think it's too much to ask for him to "chase" me a little bit. Maybe he's secretly sitting in his room analyzing and over-analyzing and feeling frustrated as well, but I can't see that. In front of me he appears perfectly fine, like he probably wouldn't even notice if I didn't contact him for a week...but when I finally did he would probably be really happy about it. I don't understand. Everyone's been saying that he's been giving 'good signs' but what good are 'signs' with no result? This whole "trying to figure out someone else's feelings" thing is emotionally draining. Now I remember why I didn't do this in the past. =(

Actually I don't know if I'll even wait until we hang out again. Perhaps I should do it over the phone? Would that be the best way?

Hmmm... well if you are so absolutely desperate and bursting to ask him when you're on the phone, then take advantage of your desperate feelings and do it, before you have time to start thinking straight and questioning yourself again! You'll have to do it some time, after all!

But seriously, do whatever you want. If you wake up the next day feeling not so bad, and decide to go ahead with your other plan (a casual remark suggesting you hold hands or kiss, wasn't it?), or something else, that's cool too!

 

[AutumnReverie]

Update: So he ended up calling (twice) last night, but I ignored the calls at first because I was really tired/sleepy and a bit frustrated so I didn't feel like talking. Then he texted me right afterwards, saying that he was wondering if I still wanted to go to the movie and asked that I call him. I did right after that, and I didn't "blurt out" anything nor was I angry. The conversation was pleasant but right to the point as well because I was tired/frustrated. He indirectly but playfully noted that I didn't sound too enthusiastic when saying "yes", probably because I was more like "ehh...sure...okay, I guess". But my hesitance had more to do with the fact that it'll be a group of people I don't know and I'll feel awkward, not really anything to do with him. Perhaps I should have told him that.

Hmmm... well if you are so absolutely desperate and bursting to ask him when you're on the phone, then take advantage of your desperate feelings and do it, before you have time to start thinking straight and questioning yourself again! You'll have to do it some time, after all!

But seriously, do whatever you want. If you wake up the next day feeling not so bad, and decide to go ahead with your other plan (a casual remark suggesting you hold hands or kiss, wasn't it?), or something else, that's cool too!

Well, I'm perfectly calm and thinking straight again. But I still think the "stop waiting. just ask" thing is a good way to go for me. I always thought that I was a fan of the the "slow build" in regards to relationships (and I still am ) but this is just too slow for me, haha. So I'm just going to go ahead and ask him. Then, if he does like me, I'll initiate a hand hold or something. Tonight, I'm going with him and his friends to the movie, so I won't say anything there since it won't be private and it will already be uncomfortable for me (since I don't know any of them) But I'll be sure to ask the next time we're one-on-one.

I'm ready for the uncertainty of this to go away and I think I'll actually be relieved to just find out, despite what his answer is.

 

[Faine]

I doubt it'll be much help to you, but as an INFJ female I can tell you it took quite a long time of dancing around before I finally got with my INTJ. We tended to flirt and joke around a lot but it was a gradual thing that slowly built up over the course of about a year. Finally when I couldn't take it anymore I cracked and asked him out right, but it was only when I was nearly 100% sure he had an interest in me despite the fact our lovey behaviour prior to that would be evidence enough for anyone else. Initially he persued me and not vice versa until I felt secure enough to respond and initiate things myself. Ultimately he didn't have the courage to bring facts we were both aware of out into the open though, so it was me that went crazy enough to take the plunge and do that in the end.

At any rate, good luck with your INFJ. I think we're a hard bunch to figure out when it comes to these sort of things. We're not usually very open about it until we feel safe, so if he has an interest in you or not I cannot say. From what I've read it sounds quite likely though.

 

[21%]

Could it be that he might actually be an INFP after all? Because, at least in my experience, INFPs are really bad at initiating things.

 

[Wyst]

Then, if he does like me, I'll initiate a hand hold or something. Tonight, I'm going with him and his friends to the movie, so I won't say anything there since it won't be private and it will already be uncomfortable for me (since I don't know any of them) But I'll be sure to ask the next time we're one-on-one.

Wow. You know, every single girl I've dated (I say it like it's a lot... only 2 actually) has never been transparent with me. It's always been this, "Oh God... what's going on in that head of hers...", and I've always had to drag it out through a long process, it's like chewing thumbtacks.

I think it's awesome that you like the infj so much. I think he's a pretty lucky guy. At least you've got your confidence to keep you strong when you ask him! I'd probably chicken out at some point and pretend everything was fine (or that there was nothing to pretend about) like a good infj.

 

[qwertsquirt]

Im a male INFJ and honestly dating is a bit hard and scary because sometimes I make bad choices or the person i meet isnt who i thought.

Here are some patterns I have noticed that I do

-I have no problem speaking, its just starting small talk, flirting, etc. sometimes and once thats broken things start to go faster.
-I rarely start flirting, I just flirt back with someone who is interested in me
-I like writing, texting, and sometimes body language.

I don't like dating, I'm in my teens but someone really hurt me multiple times and the reality of it is awful. I'm over it but I miss someone like her being artistic and creative and kind. Unfortunately she tried to ruin me.

 

[Synarch]

Wow. You know, every single girl I've dated (I say it like it's a lot... only 2 actually) has never been transparent with me. It's always been this, "Oh God... what's going on in that head of hers...", and I've always had to drag it out through a long process, it's like chewing thumbtacks.

I think it's awesome that you like the infj so much. I think he's a pretty lucky guy. At least you've got your confidence to keep you strong when you ask him! I'd probably chicken out at some point and pretend everything was fine (or that there was nothing to pretend about) like a good infj.

Have you ever dated an ENTP?

 

[simulatedworld]

How does an INFJ show interest in someone?

Very subtly.

 

[lost verses]

Im a male INFJ and honestly dating is a bit hard and scary because sometimes I make bad choices or the person i meet isnt who i thought.

Here are some patterns I have noticed that I do

-I have no problem speaking, its just starting small talk, flirting, etc. sometimes and once thats broken things start to go faster.
-I rarely start flirting, I just flirt back with someone who is interested in me
-I like writing, texting, and sometimes body language.

I don't like dating, I'm in my teens but someone really hurt me multiple times and the reality of it is awful. I'm over it but I miss someone like her being artistic and creative and kind. Unfortunately she tried to ruin me.

What do you mean she tried to "ruin you"?